Startingover2

Exah sent me a text earlier saying he was going out of town for awhile and would let me know when he was back. No explaination.

Then his mother called me and said that exh's brother was very ill due to the long term alcoholism. I guess his pancreas is failing and they aren't sure he will pull through or not. He is only 43. Strange is their dad died at 43 from the same thing. ExMIL told me exah was on his way there (two states away).

I am praying for exbil to pull through, but also for this to have some sort of affect of exah. Now, exah does not think his drinking problem is as bad as his brothers. He is definately in denial. He thinks just because he can stay somewhat sober during the week and then drink himself into oblivion on the weekends he isn't that bad.

I am almost in tears right now. I want this to sink in with exah. I want him to realize he has a problem. That I did the right thing by turning him in for his DUI and that he made a mistake with the OW. I want him to feel some remorse for all the hurt and pain and our broken family.

I know the chances of that are slim, but I am so emotional right now about this.

ToughChoices

Oh, sweets!
Breathe deep - I'm sorry for the family health issues.

When I get into situations where I find myself praying that my AH will "see the light" I have to consciously change my prayer to a request for acceptance, patience, and guidance.
I am not in control of my husband's drinking - or his recovery - and spending my precious time wishing and hoping and plotting how that recovery might come about robs me of peace. It keeps me from improving my life by keeping the focus on his.
As much as you'd like it to be, there's no way for you to ensure that this is his bottom.

Take care of yourself, startingover. How's your health? How's the baby?

-TC

Seren

I'm so sorry to hear about your xBILs illness. It's very sad when people do this to themselves. Please take good care of yourself and try to remember that you can't control your husband's recovery (or lack of recovery). Best wishes and hugs to you and your family. HG

Startingover2

This has really affected me! I don't know why. I keep picturing exah there with exbil and some lightbulb going off in his head about what mistakes he has made and what he has lost. I actually have pictures in my head of him calling me and telling me he is going into rehab and giving up OW!

What the hell is wrong with me? He is long gone. Yesterday he was drinking and yesterday OW was with him. Nothing is going to change.

Seren

It is hard, isn't it? There is nothing wrong with you. A few years ago, I dated a man for about a year, and then he broke up with me. I went into a complete tailspin and had all sorts of pictures in my head (fantasies) in which he would realize what a terrible mistake he had made leaving me and beg me to come back to him. Well, he started dating someone within 2 months (maybe sooner), and they were married less than a year later.

My way out was to realize each day that "it is what it is". Nothing was going to change, and I was not going to have a relationship with this man....but I could work to improve myself and to know that I am a valuable, lovable woman who has a lot to offer to the right man.

It does get easier, I absolutely, cross-my-heart promise! Big hugs to you!!! :ghug

HG

laurie6781

(((((StartingOver2))))

There is always hope, it will depend on how far into DENIAL his alcoholism has taken him.

There is nothing wrong with you. We all have that 'little spark' of hope. Maybe, just maybe, this will be his 'light bulb' moment.

None of us have crystal balls. Please give him over to HP, say an extra prayer for you MIL and.......................................TAKE CARE OF YOU.

Love and hugs,

ToughChoices

It's a beautiful fantasy.
But even the most beautiful fantasy has nothing on reality - cause it's NOT REAL.

THIS is the reality of his drinking, his choices, his situation.
Even if he "saw the light" tonight at his brother's bedside the damage of infidelity, lies, and betrayal wouldn't fade away in a swell of beautiful music and promises.

This reality seems dark - and it is - FOR HIM.
But your reality is bright and full of potential. You can be free from the chaos of addiction and denial. You are starting your beautiful new life with your beautiful child.

I've found that dwelling in fantasy land tends to keep me from seeing the beauty that is actually present in my life.

MeHandle

It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall and here the conversation the 2 of them may have. Thoughts of there father may be in the room with them too. Hope you cry it all out.

It sounds like you feel guilty about the DUI turn in. I hope you release yourself from that.

When you say you "want him to feel some remorse for all the hurt and pain" are you holding yourself hostage to resentment or you want it because you thinks it would be good thing for his soul?

I don't know about your XAH but most As feel a lot of guilt and remorse , they are shamed based. A major problem with them is they won't leave the circle of shame. They drink because of the shame, then they drink to cover the pain of it, then they drink to shame themselves because they didn't stop drinking tired to shame and blame others, then they drink because of that shame, then......... and on it goes.........

Those who love the addict, who adopt co-dependent behavior, live in there own circle too, the circle of the question of guilt. Am I supporting them right, if only I would have handled that better, what if I push them over the edge.........

Both have this is common: I live under my own system of punishment. Instead of dealing with my wrong/problem/sin/imperfection or "invented" wrong, by confessing it and being relieved of it weight ( one moment at a time), I remain in a whirlpool of pain and/or confusion, carrying the burden, until.........