kimmerlu1

Hi! I'm new here and I can't tell you how much I have searched for a place to find support and understanding.

I have been with my ABF for 5 years. I am a widow and he absolutely swept me off my feet. Totally different than my late husband. I did not realize at the time that he had a seirous drinking problem. There are a lot of details concerning this relationship but suffice it to say, I felt he was the one I've been waiting for. At first I thought his drinking was just a party time. He was a business man and retired at 40. He is now 57. We had so much fun but it all revolved around drinking. I should have seen the red flag but was blinded by love. He quit drinking for about 6 months but over the holidays has started again. It's gotten to the point that I can't hardly stand him anymore. Last night he pulled an all nighter and woke me up saying there were raccoons all over the place. There were none,( we live in the mountains). He talks to people that aren't there and he is always telling me that I don't love him. I get so angry. At this point I don't think I do.

I am also, 57 years old and I have invested all of myself emotionally and finacially to this relationship. I feel so stuck and it is not easy to start over. I am disabled with a heart condition and I think the stress is too much.

I know that I am so codependant. My husband had lupus all our married life (28 years) and I took care of him for so long and nowI find I am taking care of someone else. How can I break this cycle?

Thank you for any support and ideas. I feel so lost , even at my age. I have good friends and family that love me. My 3 grown sons want me to leave. Help!! My ABF is so good when he is not drinking.:

tommyk

Just kidding... and no offense, but:

Poor, poor you. It must be sooo hard being you. You, you, you.

What else do you want anyone to say? Should someone console you and tell you that once it gets bad enough you will leave him?

(Take control of your own actions, be your own person not someone's puppet.)

Once again - no offense. Do you get my meaning?

splendra

Hey ((((kimmeelu1)))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery!!!

It is not easy just cutting off emotions and not looking back. We all wish we could just snap our fingers and be where we want to be.

It is a process. You have started it by feeling like you can't stand him anymore. Can you find the strength to move forward? I can't say.

Perhaps you would like to try some alanon meetings in your area.

Take good care of yourself and keep posting it does help. I am sure others will be along to post feed back soon but know that Sundays are sometimes one of the slower days for us codies. I will be checking on you to make sure you get some more feed back...

escape artist

Hi Kimmerlu1- glad to see you found us. I would imagine taking care of someone for so long it Does seem almost automatic to be the caretaker again. Could be that is what your bf saw about you too! Caretaking is not necessarily a BAD thing. It is just when it gets to be all about you doing things they should be doing for themselves that we get tangled up in codependency. Please make yourself at home here, read the stickies at the top they have lots of good info about dealing with alcoholism. Take care of yourself-cause as they say if it is good for you then it is good for the alcoholic!!! and Welcome to Sober Recovery!

Barbara52

The stress of dealing with an alcoholic certainly isn't going to help your heart condition, that's for sure.

I'm 54, recently divorced from my xAH. Although it's difficult being alone in some ways, it was absolutely the best thing I could ahve done for myself. I will be picking up the pieces financially for some time to come. But that's ok. I'm better off without the drain financially, emotionally and in every other way from my marriage to an alcoholic.

Aren't they all? But just how often is that the man you ahve? Is it worth your health, your emotional well being to cling to the ptotential man? Or would it be better to deal in "what is" rather than "what could be?"

tommyk

Keep coming back Kimmer, keep sharing.

In my post up there... I talk to myself like that, point blank, no BS, often times it is the only way I get the message.

Bernadette

welcome kimmerlu--
glad you're here!
peace-
b.

prodigal

I'm glad you found us. Please keep posting and venting. First, I want to tell you that your boyfriend IS drinking. His being "good" when not drinking may be his real personality, or it may just be nothing more than manipulation. My AH was the world's nicest guy. EVERYBODY just loved him. As his best friend's mother told me a month before our wedding, "Honey, you're getting one of the good ones."

I'm married to a raging alkie who is only "good" at picking up a bottle of alcohol - any kind - putting it to his lips, and sucking it dry. Period. Whatever may have been "good" about him left as the disease of alcoholism progressed and took up permanent residence in the home, more commonly referred to, as his body.

When my AH began talking and cursing to the walls at the crack of dawn and waking me up, I screamed at him to shut up. That worked - for awhile. Then he would start up again. I finally called the cops and they called the paramedics to take him to the hospital. He was delusional. And, in my opinion, also screaming to get attention from me by all his ranting and raving. Frankly, I don't care to figure out why he was doing what he was doing. But I was determined that it would stop. It took getting the police involved several times and having him hauled off to the E.R., but he HAS shut up, finally!

According to my AH, I don't love him, never loved him, nor will I ever love him. Nothing is ever enough for an A. I'm sure you love him. However, he doesn't see it that way. Unless he sobers up, he never will. Even if he gets sober, he still may not realize you love him. That is his choice. Your choice is how you want to handle this situation. You can't love him into sobriety.

I'm glad you have friends and family who love you. You have a support system. Have you given counseling and/or Al-Anon a try? I've often found it difficult to get the support and understanding I need from friends who have not lived up close and personal with addiction.

kimmerlu1

I can't tell you all enough how much I appreciate your responses. I don't feel quite so a lone now. i feel like I am getting on the right track and I am learning as much as I can about all of this. I have survived breast cancer, the loss of many of my loved ones but this seems like the hardest thing to face. With those there is acceptance but with my ABF I find myself confused and my self esteem is sinking. Thanks again for your support, I can't wait for spring.

TakingCharge999

Hi kimmerlu! You are not alone. Far from it, sadly. I agree that this is different from other kinds of losses. Acceptance will come to you, it will only take more time. If you stay there you are not helping him realize his own problem.

The 3Cs: you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
All the best and please keep posting.