dorton

My 20 year old son is addicted to pain pills. He has moved out of our home after we had him in counseling, on suboxone, etc. He came home today when he knew his dad would be at work and I would be here alone, we had a huge fight and I ended up telling him to not contact me anymore. I just keep thinking what if the things I said to him today are the last ones I ever get to say to him. He told me that he loves his pills and he is "excited to die" stopping short of saying he was going to kill himself. He is obviously mentally unstable is there any way to force him into a rehab facility by declaring him mentally unstable?? What steps would I need to take. Please help and pray for our family.

laurie6781

Every state, the laws are a bit different. You might try calling the police and reporting what he said and that he was serious, thus a 'danger to himself or others.' That might get a 72 hour (or longer in some states) hold on a psych ward where an evaluation can be done.

However, as to getting him into rehab, if he isn't ready, doesn't want to go, you're just wasting the professionals time.

What are YOU doing for you? Have you tried AlAnon or NarAnon in your area? Either one can be a tremendous help in getting us out of 'guilt', 'learning we didn't cause this', etc

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

winnie12

I've heard these things before and even though I strongly recommend talking to the officials and taking it seriously I can tell you that he's playing you. He knows what to say - that's a mom's worst fear and he's using it.

BBD

You know what?? I do agree with winnie but if it was me I would make a call to the police and if you know where he went~~maybe they could get him into a hospital for evaluation for a short period of time.. Hang in there mom. He may be back. The fear of just leaving may be enough to have him talking to you like that..and they know just how to flip your switch. Big hugs mom, Bonnie

bluebelle

If you think there is a chance that he is suicidal, than you should try to get him some help. You could call 911, and they can do an assessment. Do you have a psych ER in your area? It would be good for a qualified person to talk to him. I wouldn't take his threats lightly. Maybe he would agree to voluntarily go in to an acute psych unit for 72 hours? If not voluntarily, they would take him involuntarily is they thought that he was an immediate threat to himself or others. There also might be a suicide crises line in your area that you could call. After 72 hours, they could decide that he needs further inpatient treatment, or they could get him in with an outpatient program. Does he have a psych that he is working with?

dorton

I don't know where he is. He has been working with a counsleor but it seems as if everything we have tried has just made the problem worse. I just really wish I had not told him not to call me even though that is what his counselor advised us to do. I feel like we have taken his last thread of family away. I should have just let him take his clothes and left and not have responded to him at all.

greeteachday

I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Please don't think that your words in any way have caused him to say what he did. The drugs are speaking. I only started to find comfort when I found help for myself in the rooms of Naranon and I started realizing how powerless I was. Then and only then could I give my child over to her higher power and start to let the worry and anxiety go. Sending hugs and prayers

Hangin' In

Dorton,

Please do not beat yourself up about what you said. The drugs are driving him right now and nothing you say is going to change his actions, whether good or bad. You did not cause this, you can't cure it and you can't control it.

I, like greet, would recommend you finding a Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. There is great support in those meetings where you'll find people just like you. There is great comfort in not having to walk this road alone. The only way I've made it is through my meetings and this board. Meetings give you face to face support which is huge.

Prayers for you and your son. I'm a mama of an AD and I understand.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

sleepygoat

I know that fear you speak about, when you are afraid that whatever angry words you exchanged will be the last ones. So far, with my 20 year old AD, that fear has not come true. My daughter has also talked about suicide now and again (suicidal ideation) both to me and to her BF. He took her to the ER a couple of times hoping they would keep her and they did not. But really, it was all about getting more drugs in her case. One time she actually showed up at my door threatening to kill herself if I didn't give her money and a ride to newark for some crack. I said, "I'll call 911 for an ambulance. If you want to kill yourself, they can help you." In other words I called her bluff. She said "F-you" and left. The next day she put herself into treatment. No, it didn't 'take', but the point is the suicidal ideation can be all part of a larger manipulation for drugs/money/a ride, etc. It doesn't hurt to report it, as other moms have said. You don't want to err on the wrong side with something like that. But then you gotta let go. I have had zero luck with forcing consequences or with forcing treatment with mine. Well, even when she went voluntarily she did not stay in treament. when we start to get tough, when we start to NOT be manipulated by everything they say and do, they get really mad, and also really confused and scared. But speaking for myself, it worked out much better, and my AD adjusted to the new me, and treated me with more respect.
Another way to look at it is, if he really unhappy enough to think about ending it, that is just the correct emotional state to also consider recovery. So what you need to do (after speaking with the cops about Maybe bringing him into the ER for an evaluation) is to pray and trust God and stop reacting to him. Not easy, I know. But as parents, we just can't allow ourselves to be endlessly consumed by this awful stuff. it doesn't help them and it all but destroys us. If it helped my AD to be crazy with fear and worry, I really would have stayed that way. I would have done anything to help her. But it just does nothing to change the situation. All it does is take away my time, my energy, my hope, and my life. do keep us posted and keep hanging around here. it helps a lot, at least it did for me.

marle

I know it is hard but now is the time to put the focus back on you and trust that God has your son. My daughter used to threaten suicide a lot. She told me that she would never have done it but that it was more of a drama thing with her. She still will say it when she is feeling overwhelmed by life. Now I just look at her and say do you think it is worth it over paying a bill, a fight with the boyfriend, etc. With my daughter it just pops out of her mouth because it is the way that she has always dealt with frustration. If your son has used the suicide threat in the past, it may be that he knows that it pushes your buttons. If this is new for him, it could be that he is getting close to his bottom. Not having contact with him will not cause him to kill himself, use more drugs, get arrested or any of the myriad things you may be considering right now. But using drugs may end up getting those consequences for him. It is his addiction talking. In the past I tried to get my daughter to get a psych eval, put in treatment, put in jail, kicked out of apartments and many other things. Her HP had a different path for her. Today I stay on my side of the street and let her have her space. Only you can know what is right for you. I just know that worry never changes the outcome, it just makes us old and sick. Hugs and prayers, Marle

outtolunch

I filed a missing persons report on my daughter when my daughter was 19 and told them of her threats to kill herself.

The response was that it is not illegal to go missing. If she happened to come up up on their radar, the best they could do for her would be to take her to an ER for an evaluation and if necessary, stabilization. And that assumed she showed on the radar in the same county.

In otherwords, they do not go out looking for an adult who has gone missing unless foul play is a serious consideration.

State laws vary in regards to involuntary treatment. It's no coincidence that addiction treatment centers have the most experience with this because it's a business opportunity.

If your words had the power to compel him to harm himself, they would also have the power to cure him. If only that were true. If only.....

Seren

How horrible that you have to live through this fear of his harming herself and the terrorism he has rained down on you. I must agree with winnie that he is likely just being manipulative and trying to get you to give him money, place to stay, whatever he needs to continue using.

At 20, there is not likely to be much you can do. My BF and I have had many of the same thoughts about his addict son who is nearly 30. The 72-hour psych hold may be possible, but we have found that an evaluation at an emergency room is useless.

Please do not despair that anything you have said or done is the cause of all of this. I have to agree with outtolunch on that!

Hugs to you! I hope your son finds his way!! HG

winnie12

I do want to strongly clarify that i do feel that anytime you think anyone is suicidal or has a death wish you have to take it seriously. sometimes people who say those things do follow through. my son used it all the time said he wanted to die, was going to stop taking his insulin and "show me", would grab things like bleach and threaten to drink it or a knife - I had him Baker acted three times in three months last year because of it. By the third time I knew that he was just playing my emotions but it didnt matter. In my situation, since he was just trying to play my emotions it stopped this behavior - he didnt use that anymore becuase he knew if he did that he would end up in a mental hospital for a week or two. He has since admitted that he was just trying to get me to comply with what he wanted and that he'll never do it again becuase the consequences are worse then getting his way. Whether they mean it or they're just making empty threats doesnt matter.

The first two times he did this i tried to take him to the hospital myself - that was a bad idea. We made it the first time, the second time i had to call 911 from the car because he was threatening to jump out and was trying to run me off the road. The third time i just called 911 and let them deal with taking him. Once he hits the ER - the docs talk to you and you can inform them of the situtaion - if they think after talking to him and you that he is suicidal they will keep him or transfer him somewhere for a little while. In my case they never kept him long - they only did it to stabilize him. Mental illness care is just not where it should be yet in the US.

You can also go through the courts - you can do that first or you can go through them after the doctors have confirmed that he is suicidal. not sure which way is the best.

outtolunch

Winnie,

I too had a few episodes like that when my daughter was under-age and before she was involved with drugs. It all changes once they are adults.

Baker Act is a FLorida thing and not all states have similar statutes.

Serenity Bound

I agree with all of the others, my AD threatened suicide many times, went to ER several times, in my state they would stablize & send her home (poss after 72 hrs) If you know where he is, then yes I would call 911. Otherwise, please remember the 3 c/'s. You did NOT cause this, it IS the drugs talking.

Check out the Naranon meetings in your area, this will be a huge help to you.

Keep posting & know that we are all praying for you & your family.

bluebelle

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is not your fault. It is possible that he is saying these things to manipulate you and for attention/drama. My mom does the same thing. Sleepygoat has a good suggestion. Next time he threatens suicide, tell him you are going to call 911 and they can do a suicide assessment. If he is bluffing, he'll immediately back off. I had a counselor suggest that I do this after an ex-boyfriend kept threatening to kill himself. It works wonders. Conversely, if he really does need help, maybe he'll take you up on the offer and allow the doctors to help him. I understand the pain of worrying that he will one day carry through with his threat. I've lived for years with my mom doing that. On the other hand, I just sat through an hour long class on suicide prevention, and it is important to suggest help to people in case they will take it.