Dating an recovering addict...
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Connecticut
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Dating an recovering addict...
So here is my story, its lengthy but I had to describe the whole situation...
My boyfriend was an active alcoholic and when I met him 7 months ago, he hadnt had a drink in 2 years. He was going to meetings periodically and seemingly didnt have any desire to drink. But two weeks ago, he was arrested. His family was involved even though they are completly innocent and everything... obviously because I care about him, its involving me also. So, he was kicked out of his mother's house so me being his girlfriend, let him move in with me. After such a big event happening, the stress, the guilt over involving his family, involving me by having him move in, etc. and since myself and my roommates DO drink, he decided he wanted to have a few beers. Hes a grown man so I didnt tell him 'no' because he confinced me it would be ok (granted I didnt know him back when he was drinking so I had no idea how bad it got). Now I realize it was the addiction talking...his drinking only lasted a week and he decided he didnt even want to anymore because he knew things would get worse and didnt want to ruin everything because hes living with me. So for the past couple days, every night hes going to AA. Now, I have my family history of alcoholism, bipolar disorder, depression...etc. I drink a few times a week, I live with a bunch of college people, and Ive never personally really had a big problem with drinking. But now that he lives with me and Im trying to help him in his time of need, hes starting to feel that enviroment wont be good towards his recovery, which is true. He was even talking about moving out and living in a soberhouse. Ive enjoyed having him live at my house, hes asking for my support in the matter whcih I will wholeheartedly, and not to drink around him because of his addiction and I the fact that I can get very emotional when I drink and it has led to a couple arguments... so my question is what can I do or what DO I do? Do I stop drinking altogether myself? If I continue drinking and hes continuing his living sober, I dont want to loose him because Im a bad influence. Im kind of getting sick of drinking myself because it seems like nothing good ever comes out of it and I feel like I cant even really handle alcohol anymore so maybe I should...Ive also been trying to find support groups for people involved with someone battling addiction so maybe I can understand where hes coming from. I just need some advice as to what I can do for him, myself, and us as a couple...
My boyfriend was an active alcoholic and when I met him 7 months ago, he hadnt had a drink in 2 years. He was going to meetings periodically and seemingly didnt have any desire to drink. But two weeks ago, he was arrested. His family was involved even though they are completly innocent and everything... obviously because I care about him, its involving me also. So, he was kicked out of his mother's house so me being his girlfriend, let him move in with me. After such a big event happening, the stress, the guilt over involving his family, involving me by having him move in, etc. and since myself and my roommates DO drink, he decided he wanted to have a few beers. Hes a grown man so I didnt tell him 'no' because he confinced me it would be ok (granted I didnt know him back when he was drinking so I had no idea how bad it got). Now I realize it was the addiction talking...his drinking only lasted a week and he decided he didnt even want to anymore because he knew things would get worse and didnt want to ruin everything because hes living with me. So for the past couple days, every night hes going to AA. Now, I have my family history of alcoholism, bipolar disorder, depression...etc. I drink a few times a week, I live with a bunch of college people, and Ive never personally really had a big problem with drinking. But now that he lives with me and Im trying to help him in his time of need, hes starting to feel that enviroment wont be good towards his recovery, which is true. He was even talking about moving out and living in a soberhouse. Ive enjoyed having him live at my house, hes asking for my support in the matter whcih I will wholeheartedly, and not to drink around him because of his addiction and I the fact that I can get very emotional when I drink and it has led to a couple arguments... so my question is what can I do or what DO I do? Do I stop drinking altogether myself? If I continue drinking and hes continuing his living sober, I dont want to loose him because Im a bad influence. Im kind of getting sick of drinking myself because it seems like nothing good ever comes out of it and I feel like I cant even really handle alcohol anymore so maybe I should...Ive also been trying to find support groups for people involved with someone battling addiction so maybe I can understand where hes coming from. I just need some advice as to what I can do for him, myself, and us as a couple...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Do you want to cut down on your drinking? Do you feel like you would have a problem doing that (i.e. do you think you might have an alcohol problem?) If so, then for your own sake you may want to explore AA or some other kind of recovery program. If you don't think you have a problem (i mean, if you could just stop drinking right now with no issues and no regrets if you wanted to) then don't. It's your life.
Don't do anything specifically for him. Do it for YOU if you want to. Decide what's good for you and do it. Twisting our own nature in order to keep a significant other is rarely a good idea .
If he feels the need to move out and into a sober house, then by all means support him if you care about him. I'm happy he realizes this for himself and has guts enough to say it.
As for not drinking around him, he has a right to set boundaries too, namely, he can say, "If you choose to drink, I can't be around you right now because my sobriety is too fragile." That is his right and it's what he needs - and you just need to decide for yourself whether you're willing to respect that boundary, or whether you feel it's unfair and you'd just as soon not see him.
It really depends on you. In my own situation, if my partner asked me to help him do a difficult thing, I would bend over backwards because 1) he is a good man, 2) he wouldn't ask if he weren't trying very hard already, and 3) I want him in my life for a long, long time. Alcohol means precisely jack sh** to me, and helping HIM means a lot, so if it makes it easier I'm all over it.
It's a tough situation.....but you have all the answers in your hands. Good luck finding the right road for yourself!!!
Don't do anything specifically for him. Do it for YOU if you want to. Decide what's good for you and do it. Twisting our own nature in order to keep a significant other is rarely a good idea .
If he feels the need to move out and into a sober house, then by all means support him if you care about him. I'm happy he realizes this for himself and has guts enough to say it.
As for not drinking around him, he has a right to set boundaries too, namely, he can say, "If you choose to drink, I can't be around you right now because my sobriety is too fragile." That is his right and it's what he needs - and you just need to decide for yourself whether you're willing to respect that boundary, or whether you feel it's unfair and you'd just as soon not see him.
It really depends on you. In my own situation, if my partner asked me to help him do a difficult thing, I would bend over backwards because 1) he is a good man, 2) he wouldn't ask if he weren't trying very hard already, and 3) I want him in my life for a long, long time. Alcohol means precisely jack sh** to me, and helping HIM means a lot, so if it makes it easier I'm all over it.
It's a tough situation.....but you have all the answers in your hands. Good luck finding the right road for yourself!!!
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