Bjen

I've been trying to write this down for a while but didn't know how. It's driving me nuts though.

I think I'm recovered. I don't enable anyone anymore, I am no longer a co dependent.

I take care of myself. My body is healthy, my environment is the way I want it. I eliminated all negative people from my life. I am comfortable with who I am and accept my flaws.

I am single because I don't trust men, and I don't care. I'd rather be by myself anyway. Nobody bothers me that way.

I don't have any kids and don't know that I care about that either.

I like to stay home so no one bothers me or hits on me. I have to MAKE myself go out with my friends so I don't get depressed but the whole time I'm out I am waiting to go home. I don't really want to talk to anyone nor do I believe anything they say. Nor do I care.

I don't have any goals in life because I already achieved them all (as far as my check book currently allows).

I work, I clean, I go to wal-mart. I take care of my nieces when they need me to, 3 cats, 3 dogs and my "kinda Kid" that lives with me now.

My ex and I don't talk and I don't really care. I miss him once in a blue moon but not bad enough to feel bad about it.

I just really don't care. I'm not depressed but I'm not happy. I don't get sad, happy, excited, or whatever other emotion there is. My friend tells me that s not normal but it sure is easier.

So is that recovery? Cuz I kind of miss feeling good things. It kind of scares me that I can't be sad. I just don't care. I think my heart broke when I realized I couldn't live with the man I loved and never healed.

I have no passion in life anymore. And I don't think I care.

I'm waiting for something to hit me. A sign or something that will be what I should be doing.

So, I tell myself "it is what it is" and I continue going through the motions.

Does anyone else feel this way? If this is recovery, I need a recovery group for the recovered.

Ago

I'd classify that as abstinence rather then recovery.

"Recovery" is addressing the "flaws" in our emotional, spiritual, and physical life.

It sounds as if you have the "physical" stuff wired, at that point is when I found I really needed a program of recovery, because all my "problems" were gone but I was still unhappy, also, after periods of "abstinence" I would get lonely, then pick partners exactly the same as my old partners.

my life started changing, when I started changing, and I did that by working the twelve steps, going to meetings, and going to therapy.

I could "wait around" until I was blue in the face, but as long as I didn't change, as long as I didn't take the necessary action to change, strangely enough, nothing changed.

What you have I would consider a good start, a good "foundation" for "recovery", now..what does Givelove's signature say? "what are you going to do with this wonderful and beautiful life you have been given.

I see many many people stop exactly where you are and CALL it recovery, but I wanted more from my life, so I am doing the work. I want more from life them just not letting people walk on me, I want love, I want joy, I want romance, I want to hold hands and be in love with a healthy person, so we can sit on the couch and watch Dancing with The Stars and laugh by the hour.

I did the work, and I have that, so it is possible.

In the fourth step you are asked to come up with a "sexual ideal", and then a good sponsor will say "Now you need to become that ideal, you need to become what you are looking for", very "St Francis Prayer" but it works, love attracts love, health attracts health, and illness attracts illness, and I was "done" with dealing with "illness" in others, and the only way I know of to cure that, is to cure myself.

What a great opportunity you have, what a great place to be starting from, so many of us had to start so deep in the hole we despaired of ever getting where you are now. So many here would give their eyeteeth to be in your position.

Good Luck in your journey

tommyk

I am comfortable with who I am and accept my flaws.

That's a good loose definition of recovery in my opinion.

Maybe add: being comfortable with others and accepting of their flaws too.

freya

Bjen, your post is very sad!

It's commonly said that recovery leads us to being happy, joyous, and free. Of course, what constitutes happiness, joy and freedom might be slightly different for each person, but what I hear in your post sounds more like apathy, isolation and numbness. Actually, the number of times you say "I don't care" is a little scary in and of itself. Have you talked to a doctor or a therapist about how you're feeling??? If you've been working hard at your recovery, maybe there is some deeper/other problem also going on that an "outside source" would be able to help you with.

Good luck -- freya

kj3880

This sounds almost like my thinking when in the grip of severe clinical depression. I've had it so bad twice in my life (once for 3 years!) that I now take daily meds for it even in my recovery from opiate addiction. I'm scared of clinical depression as it was like living death for me. This certainly is not what recovery is all about. You aren't supposed to be numb all the time.

It could be emotional, situational or it could be chemical in origin. Or, a combination of the three, as it is for me. I urge you to get into your recovery and to find a competant psychologist or psychiatrist too. Address it on both fronts.

Also, force yourself to recommit to exercise and a proper diet if you have not yet done so. I had to do all three of these things to completely recover from a severe clinical long-standing depression. It can be done. It takes time, lots and lots of help, and patience with yourself. You can feel better. You cannot do it alone. Take this as seriously as you would any other illness and be kind to yourself. Please keep me posted.

Love,
KJ

cagefree

For me - recovery is not a goal or a finish line - it is a way of life.

I knew I found the path to true recovery when I loved it so much I never wanted to leave it.

In a Tailspin

I have to agree with KJ. Sounds like depression - - maybe not that you feel sad, but that you're emotionally numb and that has become your coping mechanism and mask. I personally don't believe you ever stop being co-dependant. Just like an addict/alcoholic never stops being and addict or alcoholic. They move into recovery, but are never really cured.

You may have a friend, co-worker, or family member who is in the early stages of addiction and you don't even know it yet. How will you deal with that? Sometimes cutting the qualifier out of your life is necessary, but it isn't always the answer. How much better would it be if you could continue working on your attitudes and behavior so that you can deal with that situation if/when it happens?

Good luck to you...........and keep posting!

Bjen

Thanks for your comments. I kinda thought maybe I have depression. Some days are worse then others. I think alot of it is the weather for me too. It's too cold to do the things I like to do. Like walk outside without being blown away and/or frozen.

As for other people, as mentioned by tailspin, Hmmm. Avoidance is my answer. LOL

I have several friends still that are alcoholics. One in particular. He is probably one of my best friends. But, I have boundaries with him as well. I know I only have so much patience when he is drinking. If he mentions it I will give him my thoughts. I don't push him. I deal with him pretty well. I don't enable him though. Most definately not.

I think once the weather gets nice I'll feel better. I was just wondering if anyone else could relate. Thanks again for your input.

coyote21

My whole life, before I got into recovery several years ago, I suffered from a kind of "cabin fever". Like you, I'd be bummed if I couldn't get outside to enjoy nature. It seemed to be a cumulative thing, worse toward the end of winter. I didn't like the bleak, gray days and thought the trees looked dead without their leaves.

I'm happy to report that now days I'm much better, I take one day at a time, and it is what it is, kind of an approach. My slight shift in attitude has even allowed me to see the beauty in those bleak winter days. Yea for recovery.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

Still Waters

I think it could be a combination of things. I'm pretty much right where you are, except for the bank account part, as I still am unable to find a job - which of course makes the depression part worse.

I'm just, fed up I suppose. I'm perfectly happy being left alone, I don't care to go out anywhere, I don't miss interaction at all. I like peace and quiet.

But I do realize that I'm probably depressed.

I'm fixing to leave in a bit, I got talked into going to a womens meeting today, in the little town I'm living in. I think they're planning a Spring festival or something. So, I'm trying anyway

Bjen

It is so helpful to know I'm not the only one that gets this way!! Thank you!!

kj3880

A lot of us get depression. I personally had to drop my friends who continued to drink excessively or to use drugs. It was too depressing to watch what was happening to them. And it could tempt me if I had a bad day or something. Part of them always wanted me to go back to where they still are. Misery loves company.
KJ