timetogo

For the time being, my AH and I are living in the same home (different floors -- he's on the couch). He is blaming a lot of his behaviours lately on the fact that he has to "live on the couch in his own home". We have basically been avoiding each other and not saying a word to each other. It is causing a lot of tension in our home.

I had to talk with him to get an insurance paper signed last night and it was very clear that he is defensive and angry. Two weeks ago, he said he would move out this weekend (when he says these things, they are often empty threats). He gets paid this week and I predict he will disappear for the weekend and come home broke. How can I get him to leave (which is so much better for the kids and I until at least the house sells)? He has done nothing to date (to my knowledge) to leave.

I can't keep living with this tension and just want him to go, even if just for a while to clear his head (not to mention my head) and so we have some peace at home. He is all paranoid I'm going to "take him for everything he is worth". I just want what's rightfully mine (which will be complicated of course).

Do I continue to try to talk with him to move this forward or is that manipulative on my part? I wish I could just pack and leave but that doesn't feel possible either.

I feel so stuck -- help!

ToughChoices

I'd say, tackle one problem at a time. Right now his physical presence is causing tension within the home - you don't have to tackle "division of property" questions just yet.

I don't think that it's manipulative to state your desires very clearly:
* I want to live apart from you for a time.
* I would like for you to move out - it would be easier for the kids and I if you found a new place.

If he won't do it, it's up to you to do it.

My husband put up a huge fuss about moving out. He refused, in spite of how much easier it would have been for our son to stay in the same home.
But I didn't want to live with an active alcoholic, so I found a new place to live.

It was work, but everything fell into place. You can do it, whatever "it" ends up being.

Take care!
-TC

sailorjohn

You can't force him out legally, but you could always just change the locks when he leaves for the weekend, set his clothes out for him. If he calls the cops and he's sober, they may just tell him he should go, if he's drunk they'll probably insist that he leave. I don't think it's manipulative to try to reason with him, but be aware that it's probably not going to work. You might even just call the local police and ask them what they think, explain your situation, they might be able to offer some good advice. My thoughts go out to you.

atalose

I don’t know what the divorce laws are in Canada but when I went through my divorce my ex husband and I shared our home for almost 18 months under the same stressful conditions you mention only it was me on the couch while he remained king of his castle.

Are there enough finances for him to move out? You mention until the house sells, do you have it on the market, have you filed for divorce? Where exactly are you with disillusion of your marriage?

TryingSoHard

When my friend kicked out her verbally abusive, pot-smoking husband, this is exactly what she did. She called his best friend - who knew how volatile he was and that things had been borderline with their marriage for a while - and asked him to be present for her safety. That was all it took; her husband agreed to leave without a fight. He wasn't HAPPY, but he didn't cause a scene or fly off the deep end. They have 2 very young daughters and my friend was also worried that he might try to take them or hurt them or lash out verbally in front of them. With his best friend there, none of that happened (thankfully!!).

I wish you peace.

Barbara52

It always amazes me how different laws are from place to place. In MD and VA, the couple must live separately for at least a year before a divorce can be granted.

I would consult with an attorney and find out if there is a legal way to get him out of the house. Perhaps through a separation agreement. If not, I guess you then get to decide whether sharing living space is tolerable until you can change that one way or the other.

tommyk

When I was in my alcoholic days if someone locked me out of MY house.... oh boy.... there would be hell to pay, and I would have a good excuse for raising the hell. Drunk or sober - it's his house too, right? Beware.

Here's a motto I live by and I say often to others:

Don't ask or expect someone else to do what you can do for yourself.

You don't want to live with him anymore? You simply can't take it?

Move out.

Harder than it sounds, yes, but you can only control your actions.

Jazzman

I would talk to a lawyer. In my case I was close to filing for sole use of the marital home and under the circumstances I might have been awarded it. But as it turned out I didn't have to, she finally moved out. But every situation is different. I know the feeling of living like strangers under the same roof saying "excuse me" as you pass each other in the hallway. Sucks the life right out of you.

GiveLove

I would do this too, myself, if only just to rule out the possibility that something could be done through the legal system. There may be some kind of order or status you have to achieve before you can legally do that, and you could begin to move in that direction, if that's the case.

Of course, that's just Mrs. Take-Small-And-Clarifying-Steps talking here...

Poor little thing. He has to sleep on the couch in his own house? Well, YOU have to live with an abusive active alcoholic in YOUR own house. Maybe he's be willing to trade: you can sleep on the couch and he can go drink (and live) somewhere else?