Mark75

For those newly RAs who are still married, I am wondering what special challenges you face in your newly sober relationships. I am married 24 years, 4 kids, 2 in college, and we work together. I am 4 months clean and sober. I was in rehab for two months after a sort of intervention at our workplace, on our 24th wedding anniversary

For us there were years of denial, on both our parts, and lying, isolating, hiding on mine. Her realization of the depth of my addictions and the effect on our family and careers has been a traumatic awakening. Financial, social, emotional costs are staggering. Now that we live in the truth and walls of denial have come tumbling down, it's hard. Harder than when we lived in our own fantasies.

We love each other very much. I am so afraid that her heart will harden as I go through the steps of recovery, before I get the chance to "walk the walk" of the man I know I can be. I think we will survive as a couple, but I don't want to lose the "magic" we once had and believe we could get back.

So, Experience, Strength and Hope requested. For those whose relationships ended after your recovery, what E,S and H do you have?

Mark

kakell

I have to wonder the same thing. I've been married 23 years and I do not know what the future holds for my husband and me. I wish I could give you some advice, Cubile, but I am in no position to do so. I will watch and read the responses you get for this post.

Fubarcdn

I am in the same boat as both of you and will also be watching this thread. We can only hope that things will be better and our efforts will be rewarded with more love and magic. If not we have to do this for ourselves. Keep at it.

tkdan

Hey guys, it has been a touch road for us. We are committed to our marriage and my wife understands that it is going to take time for me to work on not thinking like an alcoholic. Not drinking alone does not fix the alcoholic. It takes work and honesty. In the beginning I did not think we were going to make it, in fact we were seperated for three weeks. She has started to heal and things are actually getting to the point where our relationship is better than it has been in a very long time. Don't give up on your marriage. And try not to stress over it too much I found that to cause more problems between us. Just be there for you spouse show them you are dedicated to making the marriage work they will see and appreciate your efforts.

Pelican

Hi Mark,

I'm interested in any input this thread generates and wanted to throw my hat in as a recovering alcoholic who is married. My SO still drinks.

My personal experience so far has included the following steps.

For a while, I put my marriage on the 24 hour plan. Each day I woke up and before my feet hit the floor I had to decide if today was the day I pack up and leave or was today going to be a day that I stay in the marriage. Whatever I decided, I committed to live that day to the best of my ability based on that decision. So far, each day has been another day to stay in the marriage.

That worked for me for some time. It helped as I was living each day at the beginning of sobriety, "one day at a time", "don't borrow trouble from tomorrow", "live in the moment", etc.

Then as I made progress in my sobriety, I wanted progress in my personal growth, spiritual growth and marriage. I didn't want to just survive each day.

Note: I don't do AA and my small community does not offer al-anon or codie support groups. Also, no insurance for counseling.

So I've been reading some self-help books. They are helpful in teaching me coping skills and things I can do for myself. Yet, I still felt resentments that were blocking my personal growth and happiness. I needed to stop the stinking thinking.

My problem became: How do I feel good about my marriage, my sobriety and myself when almost daily I have to deal with resentments from "financial, social and emotional costs" of alcohol abuse? Where's my happy button in the day to day reality?

For today, I have found something that is helping me. It's a book. "You can Heal your Life" by Louise Hay. It is new age, been around for a while, but it is helping me find my happy button on a day to day basis. I understand some couples read it together as there are some excercises that can be done with a partner. I have read it through once and am currently taking a section at a time and meditating on/applying that section for 3 days at a time.

One of the biggest obstacles in my happiness was not being able to let go of the resentment I have toward my husband. I have finally been able to do that. I was able to say to myself about him: "I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free." Now I am working on some past resentments I held towards others. It is liberating to let that resentment go.

mle-sober

I'm going on 10 years with my husband who is not an alcoholic. And I have 11 months sober.

I hurt my husband so much and lost his trust by lying about my drinking. Hiding it. Driving while drunk. It was bad. I think he came very close to leaving me.

But when I decided to get sober, I took it very, very seriously. And I did absolutely everything I could think of to support myself and to help rebuild trust.

I went to rehab (outpatient - 12 weeks). I went to after care (still in it - 1 mtg a week for a year). I joined AA and am going 2 times a week. I got a sponsor. I'm working the steps. I'm reading the Big Book. I'm in therapy. I share openly with my husband about what is going on for me in my sobriety. I gave him the right to give me a breath test whenever he wanted. I gave him login and password info for all my "stuff" - cell phone, email, SR account, Facebook. And I made a sincere intentional apology to him for having hurt him, for having lied, for having resisted sobriety. I asked him for what he needed. And after all that, you know what it was? TIME. So, even though it was hard, I gave him time.

The first 3 months were horrific and painful every day. Lots of breath tests. Coldness. The next 3 months were confusing - "why wasn't it working?? I was doing all I could." The next 3 months were tolerable. Distant but tolerable with occassional sun breaking through. And now I find, at 11 months, that we are stronger than ever. He looks at me as if he likes me. We've been having a lot of fun together again. We've both changed so much. We have more to share than ever before.

I think if you are working toward a strong and lasting sobriety AND you have apologized, all you need is time. It is frustrating because we are alcoholics and we like things to happen right away. But our spouses need time. They need to be allowed to witness the changes in you and to really believe.

Fubarcdn

Thanks for sharing mle-sober. This is kinda what I expect and I am really hoping for the same end result. I have hurt my wife immensely and am trying to do what it takes to regain what we once had. Your success doing that will help me to keep on plugging.:ghug3

shaun00

I thinks its all about adapting...........Wifes or husbands of addicts/alcoholics have to get to know the new person...Sometimes thats not easy i guess.

With me i was pretty unstable for the first year ish..mood swings.. some depression.....not a great person to live with...
I think once the steps started to seep into my life i became more stable.

Do you know what......i love my wife more every day....she is.......everything to me..
Ive realized what a beautiful person she is.........alcohol only blinded me to that...
My advice to anyone married and in early recovery is it does get better..
I know sometimes i would think.."GOD IM SICK OFF HEARING THAT TRIPE"
But it does......and carrys on getting better.

I guess its not the same for every one.......today my alison is my best mate.
as well as my wife.

Learn to love each other again i say..

And lastly....my wife drinks ....very little but drinks and that has nothing to do with me....
I am the one that doesnt drink like "normal" people not her.

Some years ago my wife would say to me "doesnt it bother you that i have a bottle of wine in the fridge"..and i replied "theres not enough booze in this house for me sweetie". which about sums it up...........trucker

lisa t

i agree with mle-sober...it takes time...i've been married for almost 21 yrs and sober almost 2 yrs...i was a mean, nasty, blackout drinker that did & said horrific things and i never thought we would stay together but much to my surprise after the booze was removed from the equation...we really love each other and better yet, we like each other...give it time...walk the walk...it's the only thing your spouse wants to see...i know mine got really sick of the lip service! good luck to all of you and don't give up!!
Lisa

coffeenut

Thanks for this thread, Cubile. Once again SR knows Exactly what I need in my life.

Husband and I have been married drinking buddies for 30 years. We've quit and gone back to 'just drink on the weekends' back to full fledged drinking within a week, a number of times.

I quit 6 months ago. I'm not going back.

It has changed our marriage. Not sure how, since it is so new, but a change none the less. I am married to the best man in the world. Drinking or not drinking....I'm in it forever.

Just recently....he has quit drinking. I can't believe it. He is quitting for Himself. Which is so much better than the both of us quitting for each other.

Okay....there is my epic. Love this Thread!

Mark75

I would quote everyone of these responses, but we can just read them all, and it would be redundant. I really appreciate all the responses... I know it's gotta be tough for everyone in these situations, it is tough for me. SR does know what we need in our lives... We need experience, strength but sometimes, most of all, hope.

Thanx again

Mark
:ghug2

I told myself I'd never use that smiley, but, what the heck, seems appropriate...