Limiya

To be honest i don't know where to start. My ABF is still using coke, although not as often this past couple of weeks.
He still isn't planning on stopping but he seems to be wanting to 'cut down', even though i know deep down it isn't really feasable or possible.

He was doin so well since new year by not goin out drinkin with friends and just workin and stayin at home.
His skin has cleared up, and he has lost weight (he is a big guy) and people are commenting to him he looks so good.
He said he feels better by not going out AS OFTEN as before and is starting to like feeling sober now.

Well he has started being very attentive and took ME out for an expensive meal tonight and bought me steak and he had seafood. He bought us a bottle of wine and we had a lovely time. Then he said to me 'i'm feelin a little tipsy now, makes me want to go out drinking'

To make things worse he's supposed to be coming to a family birthday party next friday. I told him he's welcome to come along but NO COKE!! He told me not to be silly and he will only have 'a couple of lines'. I said no, none whatsoever. If you want to drink, fine but no drugs. My family will be there and i don't want him under influence whilst my family is around.
He told me if he can't have his coke he won't come. I said 'then don't come.'
He then said, 'Well alchohol is a drug and so are cigarettes. The more you ask me not to do it, the more i will!!!'
So of course i felt dissapointed and p**sed off too. I didn't feel like i could say anything.

He could see i was p**sed off and kept cuddling me and making fun. I just honestly thought he was starting to make an effort this time. We went home to his place.
Whilst there i can see he's lookin aggitated and restless (scratching his head and restless legs) he says he feels like goin out for a drink. He asks if i'd like to go out with him. I said no as i'd been out the night before. He said ok but he was gonna go out (just to get out the house) for A DRINK!!
I said i was going home. He said he wasn't gonna be out long and wasn't going to go mad but i just felt so dissapointed, and i don't believe him.

He had been doing so much better, and now he's pining for his 'candy' all over again. I know he is an addict and it's what addicts do, and i also half expected it, but i still can't help but feel frustrated with myself by allowing it to bother me.
I have been doing so well in detatchment lately, especially in regards to just concentrating on my life and my goals, but tonight just bothered me.
I think i was just so elated with this wonderful and sudden gift of an expensive meal and some wonderful affection and attention it just bowled me over that after a few glasses of wine he is back to thinkin about his precious 'other woman'.
BUT, it's got to be expected as he isn't in recovery whatsoever.

Sorry for my rant but i had to let out my frustrations tonight. I keep telling myself the three C's and reading everyones posts, and they are always so helpful.
Hopefuly i'll feel ok after a good nights sleep.

Big hugs,
~Limiya~

winnie12

He sounds about as mature as my 16 yo with his reasoning. He is still in the addict mentality. My AS thinks that if I (a 43 yo woman) can have a glass of wine that he should be able to use any drug he wants. He also thinks that because over 20 years ago i did drugs that I cant tell him that he cant. Its totally illogical but i'm not dealing with a logical person. He has been told by many professionals that his Mom can have a glass of wine because i dont have a problem with it and because i am of legal drinking age - still doesnt help his logic. So my resolution is I never drink around him and never have alcohol in my home when he is here. Yes i can have a glass of wine but I dont - one because it places a substance in front of him that causes him temptation and two because it gives him an argument to transfer the blame of his addiction to me. I decided that I wont give him any reason to transfer his blame of addiction to me. When we go out to dinner my son will push me to drink - go ahead mom you can have a beer. What he's really saying is please drink so that i can too. I dont becuase i know that later he will get drunk and say well you drank a beer at dinner the other night whats the difference if i do.

Any mind altering substance is going to trigger his usage. I dont think that in the beginning of recovery they cant handle any substances. Maybe someday a drug addict can have a glass of wine but right now is too soon. Engaging in this seemingly innocent dinner with wine just gave him a full bag of ammunition to use against you.

I have smoked cigarettes for years and have struggled to quit many times. The only times i was successful was when i was pregnant. both times i quit the entire pregnancy and while nursing my babies. With my daughter i didnt smoke for almost two years because I nursed her for a year. Then I had a beer - after having a beer I immediately wanted a cigarette and bam the habit was back full force - not becuase i have a drinking problem but because once i had one addictive substance i wanted my DOC - cigarettes.

Limiya

Thanks Winnie. Makes total sense. He has said in the past that he only wants to use coke when he's been drinking. And i know he can rarely stop after just one line.
Luckily he didn't go out and use last night like i thought he would, but i know he stayed up at home with his friends playing computer games until gone 5am this morning. Thing is, he could have been using at home.

I know, i shouldn't even be wondering when he has or hasn't used etc, as it's not 'my' problem, but i do. My codie way i guess. Need to work on it more.

~Limiya~

bodychek

Your description of him when he gets restless and just wants "to go out for A drink" is exactly my story. Every night I would battle that demon that wanted me to leave my wife and kids to go out for "A drink". I knew once I was there, it would never be just 1 drink. Sometimes I did manage to drag myself out of there relatively early to go home but the the majority of the time I gave in and stayed until closing. I would sometimes stay home, but the obsession was there. When my wife would get too upset, I would take her out for an expensive night on the town to appease her for a little while while I went back to my habit.

It took her to finally give up and live her life and stop trying to make me stop for me ti realize that it wasn't her that was making me do it. As long as she was trying to get me to stop, to stay home, or to want to be with my family it seemed as if the addict/alcoholic monster and I had a common enemy, her. When she gave up the fight I finally, after some time, realized that she wasn't the problem, I was...

My advice to you, tell him not to hold back. The longer he fights it the longer it will take for him to realize that HE is the problem. Hopefully for him he will have the same experience I did and the drugs/booze will stop working, perhaps then he will hit his bottom and begin recovery.

Knowing what I put my family through is just one of the things that keep me sober today. Good luck in your struggle, my thoughts are with you.

winnie12

I dont think its codie behavior to wonder if they are using - that's just human nature. you've set your boundaries - hard part now is to enforce them. He seems to have that mentality of "this is how i am if you want to be around me you'll have to accept me for me." Again, that's childish and selfish behavior when how "he is" is dangerous to himself and others. you just stick to your rules - you know what you need to do you just have to trust your own judgment.

Limiya

Thanks guys, that's amazing.

Bodychek: That's the type of mindset i try to use on him. I rarely nag him about his use. He knows i don't like it so no need to say anything. I had to say something this time as the party is my grandmothers 70th and i don't want anyone on hard drugs around her. He's not violent but i just don't like the change in behaviour when someone is under that influence. He believes it stops him feeling as drunk and more awake whilst he's drinking.
He only uses whilst drinking alchohol. He sometimes comes to me in his sober days and tells me it doesn't give him the kick he wants anymore or it doesn't do anythin for him anymore and he wants to stop. Couple of days later he's out drinkin and using again all night.

Winnie - Thanks. I worry when i'm being a codie or not. I can't always see it in myself. I think to myself, stop worrying about what he's doing and get on with your own things. Which i do most of the time.
He does say to me 'You knew what i was like, this is who i am, and what i do. So don't try and change me. The more you go on about it the more i'll do it.'
I feel incredibly put down by that.
I'm glad i wasn't being too hard on him, but he did have me wondering if i was making too much of a fuss out of this party boundary.

~Limiya~

winnie12

Good grief he sure does use those addict tools well. Do you see how he is turning his bad behavior onto you? If you complain i will do it more - he is saying the one thing that he thinks will shut you up. That's just a joke and you should giggle when he says it. As if you dont have the right to complain when someone has bad behavior around you. Its like a child screaming in target because they wont a toy and the more you tell them no the louder they scream -they act like you are making them scream because you are torturing them. Saying no is not torture.

My son has blamed me for everything bad in his life. A wise woman from the county mental health department had a long talk with me one day. She really came down hard on me and i'm so thankful she did. She told me a trick when he uses this - when he says that i cause him to use or behave in a certain way think of something totally ridiculous like "mom, you just caused an earthquake in china." His blaming me for his usage is as ridiculous as him saying i could cause an earthquake in china. That's how i think of it now - its ridiculous. My reaction now is that his usage has nothing to do with me and he can keep telling himself that all he wants - it has no effect on me or what i do. I've stopped accepting the blame and the oddest thing has happened - he doesnt place the blame on me quite as much (still does when he gets desperate but not as much) sure he moved on to other tricks but i'm not the sole blame anymore.

Your telling him you wont allow him to use coke around you is not causing him to use more it is setting a boundary of what you will and will not allow in your life - IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. He can try to turn it around all he wants but you know the reality.

Limiya

Exactly. I know i'm not causing his behaviour and i know i'm not to blame. But i think he says it to throw it in my face.

I know it's rediculous, and i know it's irrational, but when he says these things i just have no idea what to say or how to react. I just go very quiet and feel upset.
He is very difficult to argue with. He can be very persuasive with the best of people, and knows what to say to turn things around or make you doubt yourself. That's why i normally just leave him to it. But i had to set a boundary and i honestly thought it was one he would understand. But as he had some wine in him, he wasn't gonna rationalise anything to do with his drug use.

I'm not gonna say anythin in the future. He can just deal with his own actions. I'll show no interest whatsoever and pretend i really couldn't care less. Maybe he'll change his blaming tactics.

~Limiya~

winnie12

That's exactly what you do with the child screaming in target. It drives you crazy listening to their screaming but as soon as you give them attention to try to get them to stop they scream louder becuase they know they are getting to you.

winnie12

One other thing, have you ever said to him "so when i tell you to stop it makes you use -- so under your own logic if i tell you to use that means you'll stop, right?" He'll quack at you but just keep telling yourself "i did not cause an earthquake in China" make it your mantra.

hello-kitty

Limiya, wow girl. I don't know what to say. Do you want to be with a coke addict for the rest of your life? He's not going to change if that's what you are waiting for. Is he really worth your pride? He's putting you second to cocaine, and you are saying, "I know I shouldn't be frustrated." COME ON! You have every right to be frustrated. He's choosing cocaine over you and your family!

Why are you going to pretend it doesn't bother you? It should bother you! You deserve to be in a relationship with someone loves you more than drugs. If you don't like cocaine, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone who uses it. You have rights! Of course, you have to enforce them... which is tough, but you are worthy of a little toughness.

Time to check your boundaries. What are they?

I just think you deserve more out of relationship. You deserve more from the person who is supposed to love you and who you want to have as your life partner. Don't you think so?

Limiya

Hello-kitty, Yes you're right completely. I deserve to be put first. I didn't think i was being unreasonable by asking him to not use any coke at the party.
But the guilt treatment was just so immense and i didn't think i'd get such retaliation on his part.
What's even worse is i woke up this morning to a text message which he'd sent to my phone at 5 this morning saying 'We can't work. This evening was a perfect example. We have to leave it.'
So cause i got frustrated with him yesterday for not agreeing to leave coke alone for friday he has sent that text. It's just stupid and part of me wants to call him and shout, but i haven't attempted to contact him at all.
I'm not very confrontational and he is, so i tend to try not to argue, and keep the peace.

I do wish i wasn't so emotionally attatched, as this would all be so much easier.
~Limiya~

hello-kitty

Sometimes we need to physically detach before we can emotionally detach...

He's manipulating you. Don't buy into it. It's that whole push pull thing. It's how he gets what he wants. You push. He pulls. He pulls. You push. It's a game. Take a break from it for a little while.

I suggest not responding to his texts. Not answering the phone. No contact. Just for today - just for tomorrow. Give it a shot. You really have nothing to lose. :-) Is there anything you can get busy doing for you? To take you mind off him for a while. A little break can do wonders...

Limiya

Thanks for the suggestion Hello-Kitty. I need to start detatching both physically and mentally in order to get off this rollercoaster.
Wish it was easy though. LOL.
I'll get busy somehow.

~Limiya~