Good Gawd Where Do I begin?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Low places
Posts: 4
Good Gawd Where Do I begin?
I think I remember coming to this site many months ago, years maybe not so sure. Anyway, I decided to actually join yesterday, and post today, Maybe I'll get some insight maybe not, but mostly I'm looking for ways to release some anger, I have alot of that and I'm sick of it.
A little background, I've been married to my AH for 20 years, we were married fairly young, early 20's, way too damn young now that I'm wiser! We both liked to party alot, I didn't see a problem with it at that time.
Three years later we have our first child, and then another three years pass we have another then another three we have another, our last. Now with two teens and one pre-teen. My AH has openly admitted to the oldest 2 that he has a problem with drinking. I really don't think he needed to do that as they were quite aware of his "problem" A problem that in their eyes (mine too for that matter) that he didn't want to fix.
I always think to myself am blowing things out of proportion?, he doesn't drink everyday, most always every weekend and once or twice (sometimes) during the weekdays. Sometimes he's happy, most times he hateful, mean, bossy, his life sucks and so should everyone else's type of mentality
Thinks he deserves respect, like it's his god given right. IMO respect is something you earn. I'm to the point of not having any for him.
Last weekend was my last straw, the name calling I will no longer take, my youngest crying he doesn't like it when we fight I will no longer accept. He said he will quit.
Like I said, my last straw. I will be gone if he drinks again. My middle child has already said "Mom, let's just move out" She has no respect for him for things he has said to her in one of his drunken moments(things I HATE him for). I can't blame her, nor will I ever again make excuses.
Thanks for reading, it does help to write it out!
A little background, I've been married to my AH for 20 years, we were married fairly young, early 20's, way too damn young now that I'm wiser! We both liked to party alot, I didn't see a problem with it at that time.
Three years later we have our first child, and then another three years pass we have another then another three we have another, our last. Now with two teens and one pre-teen. My AH has openly admitted to the oldest 2 that he has a problem with drinking. I really don't think he needed to do that as they were quite aware of his "problem" A problem that in their eyes (mine too for that matter) that he didn't want to fix.
I always think to myself am blowing things out of proportion?, he doesn't drink everyday, most always every weekend and once or twice (sometimes) during the weekdays. Sometimes he's happy, most times he hateful, mean, bossy, his life sucks and so should everyone else's type of mentality
Thinks he deserves respect, like it's his god given right. IMO respect is something you earn. I'm to the point of not having any for him.
Last weekend was my last straw, the name calling I will no longer take, my youngest crying he doesn't like it when we fight I will no longer accept. He said he will quit.
Like I said, my last straw. I will be gone if he drinks again. My middle child has already said "Mom, let's just move out" She has no respect for him for things he has said to her in one of his drunken moments(things I HATE him for). I can't blame her, nor will I ever again make excuses.
Thanks for reading, it does help to write it out!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hey It's only.....a more official greeter and more experience folks will be along soon!
Welcome to SR!
You are absolutely correct in that you DO NOT have to take the nasty, mean, drunken behavior a moment longer if that is what you choose. You are also correct that your children have absorbed all of this over the years.
Have you considered ala-teen for the kids and al-anon for yourself. Meetings like these and writing and reading here on the board have helped me so very much!
Please take good care of yourself and your lovely kids!!!
Hugs.....HG
Welcome to SR!
You are absolutely correct in that you DO NOT have to take the nasty, mean, drunken behavior a moment longer if that is what you choose. You are also correct that your children have absorbed all of this over the years.
Have you considered ala-teen for the kids and al-anon for yourself. Meetings like these and writing and reading here on the board have helped me so very much!
Please take good care of yourself and your lovely kids!!!
Hugs.....HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome, IOB, to SR. If you read around, you will see there are definite patterns to the chronic, progressive disease of alcoholism and how it makes the addict AND everyone around them sick with dysfunctionality. The great news is that, even if you cannot change the addict (which only they can), YOU can recover from the effects on your life. Alanon is a great place to meet friends and family of alcoholics, just like you. There are meetings in every corner of the world, and they are free.
Please read, read, read here, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of each forum. They will enhance your understanding of the disease, let you know that your experience is NOT unique, and get you started on a plan to salvage YOUR life and YOUR KIDS' lives from the effects of this pervasive and devastating disease.
Please feel free to post often to vent, and bounce your thoughts off this great, supportive community of folks who've BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
Welcome! Hugs to you!
CLMI
Please read, read, read here, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of each forum. They will enhance your understanding of the disease, let you know that your experience is NOT unique, and get you started on a plan to salvage YOUR life and YOUR KIDS' lives from the effects of this pervasive and devastating disease.
Please feel free to post often to vent, and bounce your thoughts off this great, supportive community of folks who've BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
Welcome! Hugs to you!
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Low places
Posts: 4
Thank you both for your support.
I think the only thing that strays me from al-anon is my anger is having to listen to others say how sorry they feel for the alcoholic. I understand that it is a disease, but it is curable, I have no sympathy for a drunk..
I'm so very angry, at myself for letting it get this far, and at him for not seeing the light and letting it affect our kids...
Thanks again
I think the only thing that strays me from al-anon is my anger is having to listen to others say how sorry they feel for the alcoholic. I understand that it is a disease, but it is curable, I have no sympathy for a drunk..
I'm so very angry, at myself for letting it get this far, and at him for not seeing the light and letting it affect our kids...
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Please don't let that stop you from going to al anon - I'm a newbie goer, only 5 months, but it has CHANGED my life, my perspective on things. Give it a chance, there is so much support and knowledge to gain. Al anon focusses on YOU, not the alcoholic. And true, it's hard to have sympathy for a drunk, especially when you have been the target of many years of the result of their drinking. But if I may, let me offer that it's not sympathy, but simply understanding of the effects on them. They are hurting as well which initially led them down this path, and then when the disease took hold, they lost the ability to control their coping mechanism. IT DOES NOT EXCUSE them in any way, nor is it condoning their behaviour; it simply helps you in your recovery to understand the dynamics of alcoholism. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Alanon recovery is a process, and it can take quite a while for it to sink in. Many people find it strange and very uncomfortable at first. I promise you that nobody walks in the door to Alanon the first time in good shape. Everyone in that meeting is somewhere on the continuum of effecting their own healing - you have to keep that in mind. But it's definitely a place where those people know the insanity of your world, if you live in an alcoholic household of any flavor. They will "get it" like the people here on SR, because they've been there, unlike the general public, or good friends who don't have this experience.
Also, each meeting has a different flavor, depending on the types who gravitate to that particular meeting, so it often takes trying out several different meetings and for several times, before any comfort point is felt. I know I wanted to crawl out of my skin my first meetings, between how weird they felt with the "rituals" and how decimated I was inside, but not wanting to let it show to total strangers. The irony is, they are not total strangers, because they KNOW.
At any rate, the recovery community is there for you and your family, both in Alanon and here at SR. We welcome you to plug yourself in and take whatever steps of growth you are able, at your own pace and as decisions become clear to you, how YOU want to go forward.
We all know it's a devastatingly hard journey that often seems lose-lose-lose. But it doesn't have to be, you can get to the life you deserve if you get the tools.
Keep coming back!
CLMI
Also, each meeting has a different flavor, depending on the types who gravitate to that particular meeting, so it often takes trying out several different meetings and for several times, before any comfort point is felt. I know I wanted to crawl out of my skin my first meetings, between how weird they felt with the "rituals" and how decimated I was inside, but not wanting to let it show to total strangers. The irony is, they are not total strangers, because they KNOW.
At any rate, the recovery community is there for you and your family, both in Alanon and here at SR. We welcome you to plug yourself in and take whatever steps of growth you are able, at your own pace and as decisions become clear to you, how YOU want to go forward.
We all know it's a devastatingly hard journey that often seems lose-lose-lose. But it doesn't have to be, you can get to the life you deserve if you get the tools.
Keep coming back!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi itsonlybeer,
Just finding your thread -- and SO glad you found us and decided to post here. It feels kinda good to just write it out, doesn't it?
What you're doing - telling the world that if he continues his alcohol abuse you will be forced to leave - is setting a boundary. Is it clear to HIM this is what you're doing? Are you able to converse in any sort of calm, clear manner when he's sober, and tell him this is what he's up against?
I understand that you're angry - I was mad enough to spit nails when I finally decided enough was enough - but you may be surprised at what you find at an Al-Anon meeting. We had calm people who'd been working on their recovery awhile, angry people who had just started, sad mothers who were watching children self destruct.....a real mix.
Do you have a plan in mind, if he crosses this boundary again? Do you have your own bank accounts, a possible place to go, any sort of idea what you'll do? Getting all of THAT down on paper (or screen) can be helpful too. Anger at your AH is fine if it drives you to action, but having a plan keeps it real, and can help keep you solid in your own shoes, ready to make your life better.
None of us deserves to live like this. Please keep posting and participating here....lots of wisdom on this board that you can use to reach your goal of a happier life.
Hugs,
GL
P.S. consider getting rid of that anger against yourself. It doesn't help anything and it's not real. You have done the best you could with the situation you had, and you thought you were doing the right thing staying together. We all do it until we're ready for something else. Redirect that energy to something more productive!!
Just finding your thread -- and SO glad you found us and decided to post here. It feels kinda good to just write it out, doesn't it?
What you're doing - telling the world that if he continues his alcohol abuse you will be forced to leave - is setting a boundary. Is it clear to HIM this is what you're doing? Are you able to converse in any sort of calm, clear manner when he's sober, and tell him this is what he's up against?
I understand that you're angry - I was mad enough to spit nails when I finally decided enough was enough - but you may be surprised at what you find at an Al-Anon meeting. We had calm people who'd been working on their recovery awhile, angry people who had just started, sad mothers who were watching children self destruct.....a real mix.
Do you have a plan in mind, if he crosses this boundary again? Do you have your own bank accounts, a possible place to go, any sort of idea what you'll do? Getting all of THAT down on paper (or screen) can be helpful too. Anger at your AH is fine if it drives you to action, but having a plan keeps it real, and can help keep you solid in your own shoes, ready to make your life better.
None of us deserves to live like this. Please keep posting and participating here....lots of wisdom on this board that you can use to reach your goal of a happier life.
Hugs,
GL
P.S. consider getting rid of that anger against yourself. It doesn't help anything and it's not real. You have done the best you could with the situation you had, and you thought you were doing the right thing staying together. We all do it until we're ready for something else. Redirect that energy to something more productive!!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR Itsonly- Glad that you found us and sorry that you are struggling.
Please check out our stickies at the top of this forum-they are filled with a wealth of information-and lists of books that might help you to understand more about alcoholism which can be a pretty complex disease.
Letting your anger out is a good thing and please come here as much as you wish to do so! IMHO telling the Children that he has a drinking problem (although it is something they picked up on) is actually a good thing to be done. I know growing up in house full of them-I never knew because I was too young to know what was going on and always blamed myself! I was yelled at, screamed at, hit etc....and I thought it was because I did something wrong-I grew up into my adult life feeling as long as I watched what I said and what I did things will be calm-I had no feelings...was never home always working starting at age 14-I was married at 21 and later in life when I hit 30 not to long after the death of my husband (Thinking that was my fault too) ......
I found counseling and Al-Anon! The greatest thing I could have done for myself. My parents were to wrapped up in their anger, their drinking to care how us kids felt or how they treated us-it was not only the drinking parent but the non drinking one too!
IMHO Ala-Teen would be something to look into for the kids-I wish I had that when I was growing up-and possibly Al-Anon for yourself-and of course keep coming here!
Please know that this is not your fault and being angry is ok! Sometimes it takes longer as you can see from my story to catch onto the fact that we do not have to allow certain things in our lives! We have choices.... Be gentle with yourself- you have come to the right place and there is a lot of support here for you!
I went to Al-Anon for the A's in my life as I always say I stayed because I found out it was not only the A's in my life causing chaos it was ME too! so I stayed for ME!
Glad that you found us and sorry that you are struggling. Please check out our stickies at the top of this forum-they are filled with a wealth of information-and lists of books that might help you to understand more about alcoholism which can be a pretty complex disease.
Letting your anger out is a good thing and please come here as much as you wish to do so! IMHO telling the Children that he has a drinking problem (although it is something they picked up on) is actually a good thing to be done. I know growing up in house full of them-I never knew because I was too young to know what was going on and always blamed myself! I was yelled at, screamed at, hit etc....and I thought it was because I did something wrong-I grew up into my adult life feeling as long as I watched what I said and what I did things will be calm-I had no feelings...was never home always working starting at age 14-I was married at 21 and later in life when I hit 30 not to long after the death of my husband (Thinking that was my fault too) ......
I found counseling and Al-Anon! The greatest thing I could have done for myself. My parents were to wrapped up in their anger, their drinking to care how us kids felt or how they treated us-it was not only the drinking parent but the non drinking one too!
IMHO Ala-Teen would be something to look into for the kids-I wish I had that when I was growing up-and possibly Al-Anon for yourself-and of course keep coming here!
Please know that this is not your fault and being angry is ok! Sometimes it takes longer as you can see from my story to catch onto the fact that we do not have to allow certain things in our lives! We have choices.... Be gentle with yourself-
you have come to the right place and there is a lot of support here for you! I went to Al-Anon for the A's in my life as I always say I stayed because I found out it was not only the A's in my life causing chaos it was ME too!
so I stayed for ME!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I'm so very angry, at myself for letting it get this far, and at him for not seeing the light and letting it affect our kids...
I had to accept that my best decision making, and practices, and thinking, had led me to a world of pain. I finally had to walk into AlAnon with an open mind and ready to follow directions. Give it a try- I've never ever felt while sitting in an AlAnon meeting that people were trying to get me to feel sympathy for alcoholics. No way. The alcoholic makes their choices -- and I get to make and own MY choices.
Your anger stems a lot from your own choices - so AlAnon might really help you. It certainly turned my head around!
I'm always amazed at how many loved ones of alcoholics resist seeking this free anonymous help and yet they say for years they have been urging their alcoholic to seek help but the alcoholic always has some excuse, some reason that AA or counseling just isn't for them, they are different than those people, they can't relate, they resent having to admit that they have a problem. I think we don't realize how sick we are too.
One of my excuses was "Why me? Why do I have to seek help when I am not an alcoholic!!" I wasted good energy resenting the fact that I was the one dealing with the alcoholism. What I discovered in AlAnon was I had to change up how I was dealing with ME!!! Go figure!
I also got a lot of guidance from books and one-on-one therapy. And I sure wish I had access to something like AlAteen when I was ateenager - holy cow - that would have helped me SO MUCH! Just the amazing literature you can get from AlAnon/AlAteen is so helpful.
Glad you're here-- read around there's lots of great stuff on this site. (((hugs)))
Peace-B.
I had to accept that my best decision making, and practices, and thinking, had led me to a world of pain. I finally had to walk into AlAnon with an open mind and ready to follow directions. Give it a try- I've never ever felt while sitting in an AlAnon meeting that people were trying to get me to feel sympathy for alcoholics. No way. The alcoholic makes their choices -- and I get to make and own MY choices.
Your anger stems a lot from your own choices - so AlAnon might really help you. It certainly turned my head around!
I'm always amazed at how many loved ones of alcoholics resist seeking this free anonymous help and yet they say for years they have been urging their alcoholic to seek help but the alcoholic always has some excuse, some reason that AA or counseling just isn't for them, they are different than those people, they can't relate, they resent having to admit that they have a problem. I think we don't realize how sick we are too.
One of my excuses was "Why me? Why do I have to seek help when I am not an alcoholic!!" I wasted good energy resenting the fact that I was the one dealing with the alcoholism. What I discovered in AlAnon was I had to change up how I was dealing with ME!!! Go figure!
I also got a lot of guidance from books and one-on-one therapy. And I sure wish I had access to something like AlAteen when I was ateenager - holy cow - that would have helped me SO MUCH! Just the amazing literature you can get from AlAnon/AlAteen is so helpful.
Glad you're here-- read around there's lots of great stuff on this site. (((hugs)))
Peace-B.
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