tiredlady2006

Last night my husband called me and told me that he was worried about our son because we have separated. This was the first time he has had them 2 nights in a row without me there. So of course my son would be struggling with it a little, plus he's 4 and was over tired! But no... this is what I was informed of:

I am Selfish
I am Self Centered
I've misrepresented myself
I've turned into a different person
What could he have done that was so horrible that I had to take the kids out of their home away from their brothers (my step sons)

I can't even think of what else I was told. I am trying to take a non confrontational stance, but I am really starting to feel like I need to fight back. I did yell and say that I wasn't selfish, that he was the one who started drinking again when my father died. But really, what's the point? I don't care to get through to him.

Its just so depressing.

Bernadette

With thanks to stillwaters I am grabbing a quote from one of her other posts today because it REALLY spoke to me and maybe you will find something in it too:

He/she is often guilty of rationalizing. By dissipating the criticism of others through makeshift explanations, they attempt to bolster self-esteem. They must justify their self at every turn, however wayward are their attitudes and behaviors. Therefore, they find many reasons for avoiding AA and NA, and each reason might be plausible, but their argument attempts to ignore the truth; that they need AA and/or NA, or other help.

The addict who rationalizes about his/her own irresponsible behavior is also likely to find fault in the attitudes and behavior of others. Although not denying their own shortcomings, they attempt to escape notice of them by cataloging in great detail the transgressions of his family, friends, employer and those who are in authority. He/she tries to get off the hook by equating others with themselves, but this is quite transparent. They are not really interested in reform, but in being able to say with some truth, “Look, I am not so different from anyone else.”

The maneuver of projection seems to be quite like rationalization on the surface. By projection, the addict finds in others what is unacceptable in his/her self This involves great lack of insight whereby he/she attempts to rid themselves of their intolerable feelings and motives by recognizing these feelings in others. He/she might interpret their conduct as motivated by feelings that they unconsciously acknowledges as unworthy in their own attitudes towards themselves. The maneuver of projection might cause them to accuse others of wanting them to get drunk, or they might accuse their AA and NA friends of using. They may also accuse others of suspecting them of using.

(stillwaters where did you get this quote? it is great)

sending you a hug (((((((tiredlady))))))))
you're doing the right thing - you made a decision based on REALITY. Stay in reality!!
peace-
B.

Still Waters

Hang in there! This is the normal method of operation for an alcoholic. It's ALL YOU, YOU are totally messed up, how could YOU do this!

Listen to your gut, you know what is best for you and your children. Stick to your guns!

And, it is very depressing. I know, I fight with that myself. The "what might have beens" depress me, I need to stop even thinking about them. The "God, how stupid can I be!" depresses me, I need to stop beating myself up and just move on.

I try to live in the moment when I get like that, right this very minute - things are okay. The kitten is running around acting crazy, he's funny. Makes me smile. I managed to drag myself out of here yesterday to drop off a job application, that's a good thing. My daughter has started singing out loud around the house again, that's a wonderful thing!

One step at a time, one minute at a time.

Hope some of this helps tiredlady.

Still Waters

Here is the link Bernadette:

The Dry Drunk Syndrome

I'm glad you found it as useful as I have

ToughChoices

Me, too! (though no step sons, here.)

Is there a script that active alcoholics have access to?
I swear, I've had that exact "conversation" yelled at me.

Breathe deep. He's freaking out. You're doing alright. It will pass.
I had to learn to hang up / not answer the phone some times.

Take care, sweets. I think you're doing great!
-TC

GiveLove

Me too, tiredlady!!

tiredlady2006

I dont feel like I'm doing great. feels like crap most of the time.

Bernadette

Try to separate the "doing" and the "feeling."

No question, it sometimes feels like sh*t to do the right thing.
B.

ToughChoices

It was really hard for me when I first started flexing my self-respect muscles.
It felt foreign and lonely and wrong.

I still struggle, but, I'm here to tell you, it gets easier.

Now, in my own space, in my own time, I think about what I want to deal with, what I want to think about, how I want to be treated.
If my AH starts behaving in ways that conflict with those (well-thought out) decisions, I MAKE myself take care of myself.

I make myself hang up the phone or say "No, I do not want to spend time with you if alcohol is involved," or walk away from a manipulative conversation. And it feels weird - 'cause I spent a long time taking care of his needs instead of valuing my own.

But, as I take action to respect myself I teach my AH that I am worthy of that respect. I show him what I am and am not willing to tolerate.

It doesn't take too many episodes of screaming into a dead phone line before the alcoholic figures out that THAT's not going to work anymore.

It takes time. Things get better.
Hugs to you today, tiredlady!
-TC

embraced2000

quack, quack, quack. he's grabbing at anything he can to use as ammunition. let it roll off of your back like water on his back.

cassandra2

I get this kind of treatment all the time from the ex. The other day he was having a heart attack about a scratch on her forehead!!!!!

The next time you get a call like that I would say something along the lines of "Thanks for sharing that Bubbye."