justanothrdrunk

I'm the guy that says the following:
1. Is it true?
2. Does it NEED to be said?
3. Does it need to be said by ME?

A good friend of mine (also in recovery) gave his sister, who lives many states away, my name and number. Just sort of as an emergency contact since he doesn't have any family in MN.

Over the holidays, my friend goes back home for a visit. While there, his sister calls me because she's concerned about his behavior. It's nothing that I think of as odd or worrisome. The behavior she describes is typical for him while I've known him, she's just not used to it because it's a different him. It's a recovery him.

So I chat with her and she feels better and all is well.

So why now do I feel it is so necessary to tell him that she called me and we talked?

I'm pretty sure she did not mention to him that she called me. Otherwise I'm sure he would have said something to me about it.

He and I are good friends. And I feel like I'm keeping a secret from him. But like I said above, I think this fails #2. It doesn't NEED to be said. My conversation with his sister is between me and her. And I'm also afriad that if I do mention it, he may be upset with her. And I don't want her to get an earful and the feel like she can't call me in the future for worry about how he'll react.

So anyway, what gives? Why does this bother me so much?

I'm not conflicted about saying anything. I'm pretty convinced that not saying anything is the right thing to do. I mean sort of... It's the right thing, but it bothers me, which maybe then it isn't the right thing. Is knowing what the right thing automatic? I kind of thought it always was.

ToughChoices

Hmmmmm, I don't know.

Recovery is big on honesty. In addiction there were most likely many lies of commission (I'm NOT drunk!) and lies of omission (What they don't know won't hurt them!). Perhaps, on some level, the recovering you feels dishonest to "omit" this conversation.

Maybe that's a source of your conflict about "the right thing". You don't want to "lie" to your friend, but you don't want to create unnecessary drama, either.

Interesting topic.
-TC

GiveLove

You might ask the hundreds of people who come here asking whether they should leave their alcoholic husband, or stay. The "right thing" is often far from clear, and certainly isn't automatic.

If you asked me, I'd say that #2 applies: this isn't something that needs to be said. His sobriety doesn't depend on whether or not his family members are worried about him, does it?

Or, if you just can't leave it alone in your mind, you might have a candid talk with his sister. Explain your conflict/dilemma, and see if you can divine whether she meant for you to keep your conversation in confidence.

If she didn't, then the ceiling may lift on this problem for you a bit.

justanothrdrunk

I've never met his sister. And we've only spoken the one time. So I'm not comfortable talking with her about this. My qundary isn't really about the phone call itself, it's more about how I'm feeling and she's basically a total stranger. I don't make practice of discussing my feelings with strangers unless I'm paying them.

The other thing is I don't feel I can discuss this with friends. He and I both run in the same circle. Not every one can be really relied upon to keep their mouth's shut. Plus there are some other, mostly unrelated details which complicates this.

So I'm sort of left with this thing and don't have too many others to whom I can go with this.

I've made up my mind. I just need to get this out of my head. And this is a new one for me. Usually the problem is when I or someone else has done something wrong when I struggle with opening my mouth. This is a totally different situation for me and I'm driving myself crazy over-thinking how to handle it.

sojourner

justanother:

A couple of thoughts here - i'm not advising, just giving a couple of thoughts.

1. Fragmentation is a big part of addiction - nobody the addict knows has the whole story because the addict knows there's power in that... i know you are not dealing with active, untreated addiction here -

2. what if your friend finds out you and his sister had that conversation? what if he already knows you had that conversation?? what if you were the friend and that lady was your sister - reverse it and see if from that perspective. how about the perspective where you are hearing somebody at a table tell this story and you are not personally involved in any way.

again, i don't have any answers - i'm just putting out the two thoughts i had right away in reading your post....

freya

Well, just off the top of my head, I'd say that always automatically knowing what the right thing is is only a "given" if you happen to be a deity or a saint...for us humans, I think we can give ourselves a little slack on that one....which, however, doesn't meant we don't need to give it our best shot.....

I totally get why you feel conflicted....I would, too....probably just because it would feel a little to me like I had been talking about a good friend "behind his back".....but, from what you've said, that's really not the case, in the sense that you were not gossiping, or putting him down, or trying to get anything for yourself or puff yourself up out of the conversation..and she did call you, just kinda to get your input, right???? So, in that case, I'd think, since you did nothing wrong and have no amends to make, whether or not anyone tells him about it is really up to her.

I guess the other thing that makes me think that you are probably right in your assessment, is that, before program, I probably would have felt obsessively compelled to tell him -- out of an insane sense of my own responsibility and power and importance to the whole situation -- but, at this point, my gut sense is that there is no need......so, there's probably no need.

freya