2hurt2trust

This is my first visit to this site. Ok here is my story. I have known the father of my 21 year old daughter since we both were 15 years old. He has had a heroin addiction for over 20 years. He and I rekindled our relationship 3 yrs. ago after he promised me he was no longer using or selling drugs. Needless to say to my dismay and surprse that was a LIE. Why I didnt run for the hills I dont know. I guess I thought I could help him, but that has proven to be too big of a task for me. Since that wonderful declaration he made to me he has stolen a lot of money from me and our daughter. In the summer of 2007 he took off to rehab for 45 days. He has declared he is and has been clean for a year. I am having a real hard time believing him and I dont know what to do. I don't feel he has nor is he being totally honest with me. He has been working on his job since June of 08 and I have NEVER seen a paystub. I know he works because I drive him there, but every Friday he comes home with between $20-60, and some lame excuse as to why he doesn't have more. Two weeks in a row he said his employer made all the occupants of the truck he was riding in (not driving) pay for a ticket. Then a few months ago it was they had to pay for uniforms (I haven'[t seen the uniforms yet). It is always a reason he has so little to contribute to the household. Now, his hours have been cut at work and he hasn't worked since 12/9/08 and all he can manage to do is sleep or jump up and run out the door with one of the neighbors. And for reasons that are so unclear to me he doesnt get my anger and disgust. I am getting so fed up with him. I am at the point where I don't like him if that makes since. If it were not for the fact that he has no where to go I would throw him out. I love him and I am still in love with him, but I struggle daily to maintain that level of love. He is very lazy and doesn't appear to be concerned about being a provider for himself or the household. He wants to get married, but I am NOT going to marry him until I KNOW he is truly clean. I so desparately want to trust him but his words and actions dont add up. I am so sorry to be long, but I needed to sound off. I feel trapped in his mess while my dreams, wants, and desires are put on hold. Is there anyway I could get him tested for drug use? His mother told me I could get something from a drugstore, but I am not sure how true that is. Am I being too watchful and critical? Am I being to overbearing? He says I have control issues and dont want him to have friends, but my issue is I am very cautious of me and his choice of friends (by appearance only) look just as shady as he does. I want to trust him, but I see don't see where he deserves such trust nor can I see where to begin to mend my broken heart to trust him again.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering addict (crack), and I see plenty of signs that he is using. It sounds like your gut is telling you the same thing.

Yes, there are drug testing kits at the drug stores, but most addicts will deny the truth, even if you catch them red-handed.

You say you can't kick him out, because he has nowhere to go. Trust me, we A's (addicts) can always find a place to go. It may not be as nice as where he is, but he'll find something. Salvation Army is one place to start. I was homeless for a good while, by choice. I could have paid for a motel room, but chose to spend my money on crack.

As long as you allow him to stay with you, not contribute to the household, and lay around...he's going to do it...he's got it made.

The best thing you can do, is take care of you and your child, and let the bf take care of himself.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

2hurt2trust

Thank you very much. You are 100% correct. If he isnt going to make the change I need to make a change. I understand this situation I am in is self inflicted. He isn't hurting me I am hurting me. I am going to go to the drug store and get a test. He even told me I could test him anytime I wanted to, but my response has always been no. I am going to finally call his bluff. I appreciate your response. I pray that you will continue to be all that God created you to be.

bmychelle

I can so relate 2hurt, and your post really could have been written about me and my ABF. Same thing, always some crazy excuses about why extra monies had to come out of his paycheck. Whenever I asked, or accused him of using he almost always volunteered and said he would be more than happy to take a drug screen. The lazy part too, I work between 45-60 hours a week while he did nothing in between jobs (he lost several). Anyway, Impurrfect is right about them finding a place, I kicked mine out last month, and he did find a place. Still using though and now in jail for possession of painkillers and muscle relaxers, when he SWORE, a half an hour before he was arrested on the lives of all we love that he was only on antihistimines. I can't believe ONE single word out of his mouth, he lies about everything. I think sometimes he's so good at it that he actually starts believing his own lies.