Moved Thread: Playing Detective Followup/The Confrontation
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Moved Thread: Playing Detective Followup/The Confrontation
Thank you ALL for your honest, heartfelt replies, suggestions and support to my post about finding my boyfriend's drugs the other day.
The last few days have been anguishing for me.
I am quite experienced with the enabler role. I just buried my brother last week. He died from cancer. However, prior to that he had a major alcohol problem and I was actively involved. Until I had to walk away. It was one of the harest things I ever had to do - watch him, try to help him a million times over, to walk away only to have him come back into my life and become so sick. Then to help him die.
I have been with my BF for 2 years. I love him a lot and he has been very good to me. Having been thru what I have been thru with my brother, I am highly sensitive to behavioral changes. I have done drugs in the past, but never had an additction problem. It was all fun and games back then and I am thankful I walked away. My BF and I have a lot in common, both our histories, morals, things we enjoy. And we have always been honest with each other. But lately, there had been this underlying trust issue eating at me.
With my brother's passing, I feel he is watching over me. I feel like he realilzes the hell he put me through when I was trying to help him. And I felt he guided me to find what I found the other day. It was all very strange how I looked for it and what prompted me to do that, I cannot say. I feel like my brother guided me to protect me from further pain. I am not a snooper at heart.
Now - I DID confront my BF. Another little piece of info is that he has a heart condition. He had 5 heart attacks before we met and he smokes. He quit for my birthday last year - that was my present, but he began again. I worry about his health all the time. Plus, he is in a business that isn't doing well with this ecnomy so he is having some financial problems. I have helped him out with money in the past and he is paying me back - slowly.
So what I said to him is that I know he is doing drugs because I found them. He was mad that I snooped, but I said that was too bad. I was mad that he brought drugs into my home and he lost the right of privacy when he did that. I told him I cannot accept his drug use becuase it is illegal, he is using money he doesn't have on them and more importantly, he is killing himself. And I can't stand around to watch it happen. He was a bit angry but didn't lie about anything. Except to add that he was actually doing a little selling because he needed the money and wasn't really "doing that much". He said I was right and entitled to the way I felt and that it was a valid reason to walk away. Prior to this he kept asking me if I loved him - in a playful way like he always does. All I could say yesterday was - Yes, but not enough.
He told me it was methadone with a little heroin mixed in.
I know that I cannot fix this. I know that even if he says he will quit for me, I will never know or trust that he did. I do love him and we have a lot of good in our relationship. I am a mess, but feeling a little better every minute.
thank you all for listening
deb
The last few days have been anguishing for me.
I am quite experienced with the enabler role. I just buried my brother last week. He died from cancer. However, prior to that he had a major alcohol problem and I was actively involved. Until I had to walk away. It was one of the harest things I ever had to do - watch him, try to help him a million times over, to walk away only to have him come back into my life and become so sick. Then to help him die.
I have been with my BF for 2 years. I love him a lot and he has been very good to me. Having been thru what I have been thru with my brother, I am highly sensitive to behavioral changes. I have done drugs in the past, but never had an additction problem. It was all fun and games back then and I am thankful I walked away. My BF and I have a lot in common, both our histories, morals, things we enjoy. And we have always been honest with each other. But lately, there had been this underlying trust issue eating at me.
With my brother's passing, I feel he is watching over me. I feel like he realilzes the hell he put me through when I was trying to help him. And I felt he guided me to find what I found the other day. It was all very strange how I looked for it and what prompted me to do that, I cannot say. I feel like my brother guided me to protect me from further pain. I am not a snooper at heart.
Now - I DID confront my BF. Another little piece of info is that he has a heart condition. He had 5 heart attacks before we met and he smokes. He quit for my birthday last year - that was my present, but he began again. I worry about his health all the time. Plus, he is in a business that isn't doing well with this ecnomy so he is having some financial problems. I have helped him out with money in the past and he is paying me back - slowly.
So what I said to him is that I know he is doing drugs because I found them. He was mad that I snooped, but I said that was too bad. I was mad that he brought drugs into my home and he lost the right of privacy when he did that. I told him I cannot accept his drug use becuase it is illegal, he is using money he doesn't have on them and more importantly, he is killing himself. And I can't stand around to watch it happen. He was a bit angry but didn't lie about anything. Except to add that he was actually doing a little selling because he needed the money and wasn't really "doing that much". He said I was right and entitled to the way I felt and that it was a valid reason to walk away. Prior to this he kept asking me if I loved him - in a playful way like he always does. All I could say yesterday was - Yes, but not enough.
He told me it was methadone with a little heroin mixed in.
I know that I cannot fix this. I know that even if he says he will quit for me, I will never know or trust that he did. I do love him and we have a lot of good in our relationship. I am a mess, but feeling a little better every minute.
thank you all for listening
deb
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Deb,
You sound like such an articulate, balanced person - I admire your candor with all of this, as troubling and sad-making as it all is. I am so sorry to hear about your brother; mine has just relapsed after about a year sober, and I understand your pain inside and out. Like you, I know what I can and cannot do at this point, but that does not make the hurt go away. Sending you peaceful thoughts that you did what you could for him, and he knows it.
What happens next for you? You have established a boundary...how will you choose to enforce it?
Hugs and strength to you, to do what's right even in the face of sadness
GL
You sound like such an articulate, balanced person - I admire your candor with all of this, as troubling and sad-making as it all is. I am so sorry to hear about your brother; mine has just relapsed after about a year sober, and I understand your pain inside and out. Like you, I know what I can and cannot do at this point, but that does not make the hurt go away. Sending you peaceful thoughts that you did what you could for him, and he knows it.
What happens next for you? You have established a boundary...how will you choose to enforce it?
Hugs and strength to you, to do what's right even in the face of sadness
GL
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by nnm 
He told me it was methadone with a little heroin mixed in.
It is highly unlikely that the drugs you found were actually a combination of methadone and heroin. That is not a common combination, as methadone's affinity for the opioid receptors tends to block other opioids from having an effect.
Addicts may purchase methadone on the street to alleviate the physical withdrawal symptoms associated with opioid dependence... but the bags you found the previous thread were "stamps"... which contain heroin. Not methadone.
I remember you saying you found a straw with the bags. Methadone has very high oral bioavailability, and as such, is not frequently insufflated. Its onset of action is not quickened by intranasal administration and its effects are not potentiated. Users do not generally snort methadone.
I suppose anything is possible. But I also suppose that "methadone with a little bit of heroin" sounds better than "a lot of heroin".
Edit: FYI, you posted this thread in "family and friend of alcoholics"... you may PM a mod to move it to "fam/friends of substance abusers" so you can insure that the same people have a chance to respond.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 11
How do I PM a mod to move it? I didn't realize I was in the wrong forum.
Yes, I believe you are correct that is is heroin. It really doesn't matter anyway. It still hurts so much.
Why did he have to tell me this? We have always been able to communicate openly. That was one of the best things about our relationship. We never judged and were there for each other. We both had a lot of bad stuff happen during our lives and I felt it made us both stronger people. When I first met him, I told him that he was the most evolved man I ever met. Because I find that men, more than women, tend to cover their pain with drugs and alcohol rather than work thru it. We really helped each other discover a lot about ourselves - him with abandonment issues. Now, ironicaly I feel that I have been abandoned by both him and my brother within the last 2 weeks. I cannot believe that bond has been broken and the last year of our relationship was all a deception. I have never felt more alone.
deb
Yes, I believe you are correct that is is heroin. It really doesn't matter anyway. It still hurts so much.
Why did he have to tell me this? We have always been able to communicate openly. That was one of the best things about our relationship. We never judged and were there for each other. We both had a lot of bad stuff happen during our lives and I felt it made us both stronger people. When I first met him, I told him that he was the most evolved man I ever met. Because I find that men, more than women, tend to cover their pain with drugs and alcohol rather than work thru it. We really helped each other discover a lot about ourselves - him with abandonment issues. Now, ironicaly I feel that I have been abandoned by both him and my brother within the last 2 weeks. I cannot believe that bond has been broken and the last year of our relationship was all a deception. I have never felt more alone.
deb
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
NNM,
I can move your thread if you like, it's really up to you. I've found it helpful to read and post both on Friends and Families of Alcoholics as well as Friends and Families of Substance Abusers... because, in the end, our problem is with our loved one who is using and/or abusing something, whether it's alcohol, drugs, or both! For me it depends on the day and on my mood where I find the most support and help.
Just send me a PM if you have questions or concerns.
Cats
Forum Mod
I can move your thread if you like, it's really up to you. I've found it helpful to read and post both on Friends and Families of Alcoholics as well as Friends and Families of Substance Abusers... because, in the end, our problem is with our loved one who is using and/or abusing something, whether it's alcohol, drugs, or both! For me it depends on the day and on my mood where I find the most support and help.
Just send me a PM if you have questions or concerns.
Cats
Forum Mod
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 11
Well, I am definately a survivor, but this is very hard. I am just going to take it one day at a time. I have a young daughter who is a joy to me and keeps me focused. It is going to be hard to explain why my BF is not around anymore because they had a good relationship. But I know I will come up with the appropriate answers.
d
d
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(((Deb))))
I'm so sorry about your loss. Sounds like you were a loving sister to your brother and I'm glad that he was able to send you messages to help you to avoid further pain.
I'm sorry about the situation you are in too, but it sounds like you have done what you need to do for you. He will have to figure out his side on his own. Hugs
I'm so sorry about your loss. Sounds like you were a loving sister to your brother and I'm glad that he was able to send you messages to help you to avoid further pain.
I'm sorry about the situation you are in too, but it sounds like you have done what you need to do for you. He will have to figure out his side on his own. Hugs
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