TakingCharge999

Hi friends
Its 2 AM and of course all the university students are coming back home with friends and loud music. Even with earplugs I hear their scandal and get angry because of course, I have to wake up in 5 hours and will have a very long day tomorrow. It freaks me not being able to shut them up. I am starting to feel I have serious issues with control. Is it too bad to expect other people to be civil? I hated loud people before, but now I am just really really angry and about to go down in my pijamas and just ask for them to keep on the party inside their flat...of course that achieving nothing but them to pump up the volume. Maybe I am angry because I know they are drunk as hell. And also because it affects all the neighbors, but of course no one speaks up. Ok people if you'd like to party why not keep it inside your own flat and not the parking lot? There are people trying to sleep here!!
Just venting...:wtf2 Guess I am not the only one disgusted by alcohol and of anything that reminds us of those other sick people we have known so well...
Anyhow now that I am awake, I wanted to tell you that Monday afternoon I will go to my first Alanon meeting and I am working on the 1st step all throughout January... I admit, my life and my feelings are just.. unmanageable at this point.
Thanks for letting me vent tonight.

Lilyflower

Dreamer, I hope you are now dreaming! I have the same thing with my neighbours! I tend to call the police and ask them to call in, you can do that anon. There are laws against noise pollution.

I used to get that tight knot feeling in my chest and feel the anger bubbling away inside me. Not good for me though as I'd probably end up giving myself some kind of hernia or heart attack through the stress! So now I call the police and let go of the situation. I know that I do all I can do and try to let go of the rest. I know it is easier said than done, it took a lot of practice for me!

As for hating all things alcohol related - I think that is a common thing for F&F, I know I felt it to. I don't drink much anyway, but I literally couldn't touch the stuff for disgust a long time during and after my relationship with Paul. Every TV ad, poster, person drunk on the street, filled me with contempt and disgust. That feeling has died down as I have healed inside and become happier inside of me. I guess now I think of it, that decrease in feeling correlated with my decrease in attachment to him.

Right now I am in work on 4 hours sleep myself, although not noise related, just having insomnia lately, goodness knows why, I haven't figured that yet!

Oh well hoping to be in bed by some rediculously early hour tonight!

Heres to better sleep to both of us

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TakingCharge999

LoL hi Lily, hope you rest soon!!

As a matter of fact I did not confront the neighbors but stayed online.. then tried to sleep...then was attacked by insomnia and obsessive thoughts about the ex and the new gf and the shocking speed of it all.. with the ever-lasting question... is replacing one person with another right away REALLY "moving on"?(turns out he started going out with her even before our breakup was official..) why is he "praised" for "moving on" and "living the present" and "letting go" so "easily", while if I went out with a guy right away, I'd be scolded by everyone telling me I should give myself time to grief and learn so as not to repeat the same mistakes?? not to mention how easy I am.

And with that tone I am beginning my stressful Monday. 6 15 AM already, guess I'll just do some yoga and start preparing for the day...

I certainly wish I could shut up THOSE voices in my head, go to the neighbor's, have a few, make out with a stranger, feed my ego and then be praised by my coworkers because certainly I "enjoy life at its fullest"!


Sorry to everyone as this thread is just me venting. However if you feel like whining or venting about anything, by all means... I know I will be back..

Lilyflower

Deep down, you know what he is doing is by no way moving on. Your own moral compass tells you healing is needed. You are doing what you need to do for you. He is avoiding issues until he has no where left to hide from them.

Who are those people who would make those statements? Surely not a true friend nor one who appreciates what you have gone through. Or are these just your inner voices and perhaps no one would say these things to you?

When I started healing after my break up, I began 'hearing' alot of my inner voices. I learnt they were not my best friends! I found that I would always critise myself, bring myself down. I very rarely said anything nice to myself. I started telling them off! Sounds like something out of a mental ward, but it really does help and work! now my inner voices are much nicer! One thing I began to do in my recovery was spend my time with people who I found were respectful, non abusive and liked me for me, then I realised that if I was to do that, I had to start with myself as I was my own worst enemy!

Hope you have a good day, I like yoga, that and meditating keep me sane! Lol

Love to you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reminder

Hi Dreamer:

Are you feeling "less than" because he left you for her? The ego, which is in all of us (some more than others), loves to make comparisons.

Who is praising him? More important, who is blaming you? The voice in your head?

Venting can be very good for people who have buried their feelings deep down inside themselves for some time. They initially feel tremendous relief from the pressure of walking around with those buried feelings, but continued venting only serves to feed the ego.

I have vented in the past, and still continue to do so, on occasion. However, I have observed that venting is counterproductive because it feeds my negative thoughts which in turn affect my emotions. My advice to you is to become an observer of your mind. Don't make judgements about what is good or bad. Just observe. Observe yourself venting and then observe the contents of your mind and your emotions. What do you observe?

Peace.

Lilyflower

[QUOTE=Reminder;2049881]I have vented in the past, and still continue to do so, on occasion. However, I have observed that venting is counterproductive because it feeds my negative thoughts which in turn affect my emotions. My advice to you is to become an observer of your mind. Don't make judgements about what is good or bad. Just observe. Observe yourself venting and then observe the contents of your mind and your emotions. What do you observe? [QUOTE]

Very philosophical! I think this is good advice, and carries on from what I touched on before about listening to my inner voices and telling them off lol! I would say though that while you are learning to listen to and react to those voices in healthier ways it is good to vent, as inside our head unchecked, inner voices can be very disruptive and even cause us pain.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TakingCharge999

Hello friends
Thanks a lot, I will read your posts more thoroughly later tonight as I need to really "get" your messages...

Maybe it is that I have not slept too much, but after doing today's yoga I realized I have made the same mistakes over and over, and slowly started to bring attention to my own issues... starting to think when I have felt like this before, probably has to do with how my dad left my mom, my sister and me *(I was 3) for another woman he is now happily married to. Its kind of reviving the same situation for me, feeling unwanted and rejected - AND for another woman! And about giving contradictory messages, like my dad saying "I love you" but never being there to protect me. It seems I am still looking for that protection, from that love from a man that I never sensed and accepting the little crumbs of affection -or what seemed to be affection- and seeing them like This Great Thing when it has never been love.

Bottomline is today I DECIDED nothing is going to take my peace away from me, anything he or anyone says, anything that happens or does not happen at work... I am trying to use my anger to protect me from once.. I am becoming tired. right now I hear all his stories about the holidays and NO I am not letting that distract me (OK some electronic music in high volume is helping....)

Thank you all for being out there, your support has been priceless to me.

There are some common friends and others here (my roomies) that have told me stuff about moving on and kind of messing with the situation, but I decided I won't hear them anymore. No one knows what I lived but me and as you say I will be an observer, and I won't push any thought or emotion anymore.. just surrender and let it all be..

Huge lesson on humility
Part of the first step, I really feel much better, just knowing its all too much, and acknowledging it goes beyond my very very limited comprehension.

Hugs to everyone and I hope your day goes well!

Lilyflower

You don't sound to have a limited comprehension to me, you have had some great insight here, and as the veil lifts you will see more and deepen your understanding of your own personal journey. This is how recovery has been for me, and I see the pattern across the boards.

Each day holds its lessons for me, I think before my mind was closed off to them, but as I have learnt and grown through my recovery I see them now. I don't think anyone is ever finished learning or recovering or living, isn't that what all this is any way? Living our life to the best we can and growing with it? I couldn't do that until I learnt to let go and accept my helplessness and admit how things had gotten unmanageable.

Strange that as soon as I let go, things seemed to get to where I wanted them all this time on their own lol!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lilyflower

cagefree

I used to say things like that to myself when I'd witness something that upset me or if someone did or said something that pushed a button.

Very recently(past few months), I realized that the voice that was shouting in my head was my inner child shouting to be heard and validated. When I finally met my inner child at a Coda conference, I vowed to never silence her again. Now I do things with my therapist like non-dominant drawings and conversations to let her be heard and validated - and being heard and validated, I found for me, makes those buttons less pronounced.

GiveLove

Hi dreamer,

Here's a snapshot of me, ten years ago: I was living in a university town in Mexico, had good work but also was a victim of loud neighbors, being forced to have roommates, and in close quarters with a person with whom I was breaking up. I kept trying to change MYSELF, make myself more tolerant of the noise, the uncertainty, the constantly being surrounded by evidence of him, etc.

I hadn't, at that point, considered the possibilities that:
1) I just didn't like my sleep interrupted by neighbors, and had the choice to move somewhere else
2) I didn't like having roommates, and was much more suited to living alone, and I had a choice about that
3) I wasn't FORCED to stay in my job there. I had a skill that I could use to get a job in a number of countries, cities, companies, you name it....I had a choice where I worked, even if it was a bit of a hassle to change my mind.

.........In short, I had choices. I didn't have to learn to "put up or shut up", I only convinced myself that I did because I refused to see the other possibilities out there.

Do you have other choices maybe you're not seeing? Would working somewhere else or moving back to where you came from mean you'd lose control of him? (that was MY motivation at the time, anyway...)

Just wondering this afternoon. I've read all of your posts and I hate that you're suffering like this.

TakingCharge999

Hi friends,

An update..sorry for the LONG post... !!

I've been working a lot since December, certainly not felt any holiday at all, juggling two jobs.

Yesterday I worked all day in my room and played music and actually enjoyed both working (well, I also thought that I was working getting fat and he was probably at it with the new GF, but I actually felt grateful to have something to take my mind off that trash) and I played ALL the songs I like, from New Kids on the Block lol (their songs make me feel much better, they are so tender!!), R.E.M, Megadeth, Moby, Gorillaz, Infected mushroom, whatever... I actually heard some of what were "our" groups and I actually started enjoying them without so many bad vibes attached... and I listened to Keane (We may as well be strangers, super ad hoc now that I asked him not to talk to me) and cried.. because I felt liike it...

My roomie said hurtful stuff about keeping the flat superclean but she does not work so she has a lot of time to spend there and see if things are clean or not.. instead of getting angry and hurt and trying to be the overachiever I said I would get a cleaning lady so I have time to do my stuff and she feels more comfortable. End of story, but she sees it like this Big Deal... I wish all problems were solved that easily!!

I may start looking to rent something by myself in a few months. Right now I am feeling OK, and not being THAT comfortable at home makes me try to find more stuff to do outside.

I created a character for my onstage performance based on my ex, I was prepotent, a mini God, narcissist, selfish, etc. and it felt so great to put on those traits. This week I am carrying them and the motto "Only I am important. Nothing else matters". Its been nice. My theater teacher asked me a lot of questions and I answered very well, at least all this pseudo psychoanalysis helped me for something creative lol.

I got a crush with my theater teacher, he is handsome and passionate and talented !! And I went to the hair stylist and got a crush as well, green eyes and nice body. Gay obviously but nice to stare at..

My dad and stepmom come this weekend so I am happy about it, I see I feel much better than the last time I saw them, I was just tears.

So in general I've becoming more welcoming to the male gender and realizing all the traits that I thought I had with the ex... and seeing I can have all of them spread across different people.. (practical stuff like taking the car to service...)

I realized I've got a LOT of really great friends here and there
My mom told me I am dearly loved by a lot of people, and I thought, what was I thinking, feeling this only person got everything and I nothing, when my life is so rich

Someone told me in our past job many remember me with joy and for him there is no one, no one misses him lol

I am way more interesting and creative than the ex is, way more traveled... :> this feeds my ego a little but it was very frustrating to be with someone that only knows about parties and german beer brands

A younger girl is hitting on ME... and I have to confess.. I kissed a girl yesterday... one of the exAh's friend's girlfriend... it was very very tender and it was nice to try but I still prefer guys. They told me if I wanted to make out with BOTH of them.. I said no and went to sleep.. not happy about the drinks I had, with the hangover so.. there will be much less alcohol for me in the future, or none. These couple started telling me I did nothing wrong, regardless of alcohol, I could not have expected disloyalty so to stop hurting for what I did. They are the ones that keep saying that the New W is OK, that the xAH is SUPERB and that I am the only one "still" suffering and hitting a wall.. but I told them to respect the importance this event had in my life, my mourning and that I am NOT planning to make this same mistake, I cannot afford to lose so much time, and that it was painful for me seeing that someone I cared about is doing worse than before, now with his best friend living with him (a player and alcoholic) and the new one (another alcoholic may even be worse than him, we went out a couple of times altogether)

So I am glad I do no longer feel like "the loser" just because I am alone and taking my time and doing my laundry and not going to every bar and disco "demonstrating" how happy I am


I have a coworker that is really nice to me and we hug a lot, he is 2meters tall so I feel his protection and affection... and scolds me because I believed so much trash about me and had a worse self image after it all ended.. as if he was Brad Pitt, he is much thinner and whiter, his glance is not the same, really sad but well its his issues end of story

I am slowly progressing, taking more care about what I eat, I do yoga once again!! And tae bo... I am feeling thinner and I made my goal to feel and look better this year, more than any others, and to have some little faith in myself

And to make a much greater effort to be happy for ME.. healthy for ME..

Just losing the illusion of control, a little while ago I had to work next to the ex, and I realized he was chatting with one of his friends in an ironic tone,. I knew they were badmouthing me.. so it was stressful..but I did an excellent job and left.. and said "who cares, those people do not know me at all. so what can they say that is true". So I am not mortified :>!! that would have killed me before!!

I also heard him talk to the new one... and he sounded angry..not really loving at all... it was surreal but I expect more of those moments...I am expecting to see them together and imagine two ducks, and try to feel compassion, because they are both sick and have a lot of potential for danger.

I am renewing faith and find solace in the thought that I may have been saved from terrible moments with an alcoholic in full-om denial in my life, that I have no idea of the bigger plan, and I played my role, finally accepting I had to leave my scene in his life.. and letting him leave mine...

I contacted an ex again and made some ammends, was very honest and he was too, so I am very glad he is back again as a friend because we had good times

SO I just imagine that maybe..MAYBE the same happens with this guy someday, we are able to say hi, talk about fun stuff and just let the bad moments go... or maybe we never talk again (I intend never to talk to him and my life at work has been easier)... only God knows what's in store

My theater teacher told me to participate more in a scene, he said "We are watching you" and it was such an AHA moment, because I have felt like a shadow or someone not important and that phrase just stuck for my life... someone is watching over me and maybe my future daughter (planning to adopt someday when I can and are way healthier) will also watch me, so that motivates me to be and feel stronger, not the wimp/whiner I've been

I am getting tired of the xAH and his life, which no, is not great at all... there are no surprises... just other alcoholic friends, drinks and sex. Nothing to talk at all or further plans and certainly no spiritual path, which is very important to me

Thanks all for being there and for your posts, I will give them a great thought, NO I am still yet to go to Al Anon due to job responsabilities but I am in the first step and feel great accepting I just have done the best I could.. but today I can choose something else

My past does not define
I define me at any given time

I have the crazy idea I will see everyone that has touched my life after death, in white light... somehow this soothes me because I know I will have the chance to ask forgiveness and just hug them and tell them all how important they were in my life and how much I learned from everything and how I loved LIFE itself even when it was a drag

So until then I have to work hard and be the best version I can be of myself, so they are proud

Lots of thinking going on here!!
Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my ramblings.

I asked God for clarity and he has given it to me in abundance.
I hope it gives it to all of you as well, you are all wonderful and I am very grateful for this webpage as it was with me in the worst moments of my life so far.

TakingCharge999

I think there were some mistakes ... bear with me... not slept since Sunday 8AM !!!