im new and in need of a friend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: london england
Posts: 6
im new and in need of a friend
hi my name is wendy I'm 33 and I'm totally new this this site ,,, I'm from London england and my husband is a alcoholic ,,, we have been together for nearly 7 years and have two children together ,,, he has always drunk since we have been together but things have started to get really bad just lately and i don't know how much more i can take ,,,, when he drinks he is very obnoxious and argumentative to be honest not a very nice person ,,,,i know he has issues from his past that he need to deal with and I'm trying my hardest to set him on the road to recovery ,,,, things got really bad last week when he was violent towards me for the first time and he really scared me ,,, i left the house and went to stay with a friend for the night ,,, i did go back to him the following day on the promise that he will not drink anymore ,,, its been 6 days now that he hasn't drunk (he normally drinks 6 cans a day or more that he has recently admitted to me ),,, he has been going to AA meetings for the last 4 weeks and he has said that he really wants to change his life ,, i so want to believe him and stick by him ,,, i love this man with all my heart and really don't want to give up on him like everyone else has but i will not tolerate violence ,,,he going through all the motions at present the shakes ,,hot n cold sweats and tummy cramps and hes very quite n moody ,,, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him while hes going through such a hard time ,,,normally I'm quite verbal when we argue and do stick up for my self but at present i don't want to trigger a reaction and don't want to push him towards drinking again ,,,,i know lots of you are going through this and wanted some other peoples option's on how you got through this period and any advice would be great ,,,sorry to ramble on but I'm a bit nervous about posting ,,,,, many thanks Wendy x
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Wendy,
You're among friends here -- most of us have been through your situation and we understand. So don't be worried at all
I'm glad he is seeking recovery through AA, and that so far he's been successful in his efforts to stop drinking. There's not much you can do to help that -- he has to seek help and work a program BY himself, FOR himself, and not for you, or to keep you, or what-have-you. He has to want to get better, and he has to be willing never to drink again. Is he willing? Or is this the honeymoon period he feels he needs to offer you in order to keep you? These are the harder questions you need to ask yourself, and I pray the answers are positive ones.
I know that for some people (myself included) physical violence is a deal-breaker. It may not be for you and I understand. Loving an alcoholics always -- forever -- carries with it the risk of relapse, which is sad enough when an alcoholic is sweet and gentle when drunk; if he's now allowing himself to become violent when he's drunk, then you have TWO things to worry about for the rest of your life.
I would suggest, since he is working AA, that you also work a program of recovery. Have you investigated the existence of Al-Anon (friends & family) programs? These can give you a priceless source of day-to-day support, can give you ideas and concepts to help you detach in a loving way from his choices, and can help you to set good boundaries, as in "If you ever again choose to do X, for my own safety I will need to do Y"
Which, in your situation, I'd strongly advise. A mean, violent drunk in your home -- especially when you have NO real control over whether he chooses to drink or not -- is nothing to take lightly. By your reaction to his previous episode of violence, you have in a sense taught him that you will keep coming back even if you're being hit....and that's not a good scenario at all. Have you thought about what you will do the next time this happens? Or the next time he drinks? These are the kinds of decisions a recovery program for YOU can help you with.
Take care of YOU and your own life, the only life you can control. Keep posting here too - and be sure to read the Sticky posts at the very top of the forum, which contain a great collection of wise and informative posts on alcoholism in general and all of its different, cunning faces.
All the best to you!
p.s. wendy, in terms of avoiding conflict right now: it really does take two to fight. Unless you're fighting about life-or-death matters like who gets the oxygen mask on the plane, you can walk away from fights about 'the small stuff' yourself, or take a few counseling sessions on how to come to joint decisions -- in a healthy way -- on the things you disagree on. There are tools and techniques that actually work pretty darned well.
You're among friends here -- most of us have been through your situation and we understand. So don't be worried at all
I'm glad he is seeking recovery through AA, and that so far he's been successful in his efforts to stop drinking. There's not much you can do to help that -- he has to seek help and work a program BY himself, FOR himself, and not for you, or to keep you, or what-have-you. He has to want to get better, and he has to be willing never to drink again. Is he willing? Or is this the honeymoon period he feels he needs to offer you in order to keep you? These are the harder questions you need to ask yourself, and I pray the answers are positive ones.
I know that for some people (myself included) physical violence is a deal-breaker. It may not be for you and I understand. Loving an alcoholics always -- forever -- carries with it the risk of relapse, which is sad enough when an alcoholic is sweet and gentle when drunk; if he's now allowing himself to become violent when he's drunk, then you have TWO things to worry about for the rest of your life.
I would suggest, since he is working AA, that you also work a program of recovery. Have you investigated the existence of Al-Anon (friends & family) programs? These can give you a priceless source of day-to-day support, can give you ideas and concepts to help you detach in a loving way from his choices, and can help you to set good boundaries, as in "If you ever again choose to do X, for my own safety I will need to do Y"
Which, in your situation, I'd strongly advise. A mean, violent drunk in your home -- especially when you have NO real control over whether he chooses to drink or not -- is nothing to take lightly. By your reaction to his previous episode of violence, you have in a sense taught him that you will keep coming back even if you're being hit....and that's not a good scenario at all. Have you thought about what you will do the next time this happens? Or the next time he drinks? These are the kinds of decisions a recovery program for YOU can help you with.
Take care of YOU and your own life, the only life you can control. Keep posting here too - and be sure to read the Sticky posts at the very top of the forum, which contain a great collection of wise and informative posts on alcoholism in general and all of its different, cunning faces.
All the best to you!
p.s. wendy, in terms of avoiding conflict right now: it really does take two to fight. Unless you're fighting about life-or-death matters like who gets the oxygen mask on the plane, you can walk away from fights about 'the small stuff' yourself, or take a few counseling sessions on how to come to joint decisions -- in a healthy way -- on the things you disagree on. There are tools and techniques that actually work pretty darned well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Wendy,
I'm new, too, and in fact this is my first post here. I have finally decided to start on my own recovery rather than continue to try to make my boyfriend of 10 years to seek recovery from alcoholism. He has to choose that path for himself I'm starting to see.
I hope you let your strength to reach out for answers grow into a strength to heal yourself.
The men we care for are quite similar. I have actually found myself wishing things would come to blows (it has not) at some point so that I could really see how bad things have gotten. Instead it has been a roller coaster up and down for 10 years that I always thought would stop at some point.
I know what your feeling, and I think here we can find some support. I'll keep posting if you will. :ghug
I'm new, too, and in fact this is my first post here. I have finally decided to start on my own recovery rather than continue to try to make my boyfriend of 10 years to seek recovery from alcoholism. He has to choose that path for himself I'm starting to see.
I hope you let your strength to reach out for answers grow into a strength to heal yourself.
The men we care for are quite similar. I have actually found myself wishing things would come to blows (it has not) at some point so that I could really see how bad things have gotten. Instead it has been a roller coaster up and down for 10 years that I always thought would stop at some point.
I know what your feeling, and I think here we can find some support. I'll keep posting if you will. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
welcome wendy and alice!!
glad you are here--
As GiveLove said, check out the stickies at the top of the first page of this forum - lots of good stuff in there.
Please take violence seriously and protect yourself first! There is no scenario of a healthy relationship that includes violence and drinking is not an excuse.
stick around--keep posting
and have you looked into AlAnon? Free help for learning how to get yourself healthy and free from the dismal patterns of behavior we often fall into when we love an alcoholic.
(((hugs)))
B
glad you are here--
As GiveLove said, check out the stickies at the top of the first page of this forum - lots of good stuff in there.
Please take violence seriously and protect yourself first! There is no scenario of a healthy relationship that includes violence and drinking is not an excuse.
stick around--keep posting
and have you looked into AlAnon? Free help for learning how to get yourself healthy and free from the dismal patterns of behavior we often fall into when we love an alcoholic.
(((hugs)))
B
& welcomeCause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
HI Wendy, and welcome. I just wanted to insert a small point to remember. The alcoholic mate has to make the decision for himself (or herself, as the case may be.) If your gentleman realizes he has a very real problem, then there is hope. If he is just doing this to please you or relieve some of the pressures exerted on him, the success percentages begin to drop drastically. The most important thing you can do is talk. Express your concerns and fears. When love is in the equation, it can be a powerful awakening tool, to which one then can more readily see what actions need to be accomplished on both sides. I will remember you in my meditations tonight.
Peace—
Padraic
Peace—
Padraic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
daisy is right. im two days sober and as of 6 minutes ago a 3 day member. wait. that makes me three days sober, yay!!! haha
my advice is that you should read up on what people have to say. personally i dont have any expirience with dealing with an alcoholic spouse (im 17). but im sure there are many others that have an pseudo-experteese in this area. keep reading and keep posting i am anxious to read about your husbands recovery, and i will pray for you and your family. i cant imagine how this time may be for your children.
my advice is that you should read up on what people have to say. personally i dont have any expirience with dealing with an alcoholic spouse (im 17). but im sure there are many others that have an pseudo-experteese in this area. keep reading and keep posting i am anxious to read about your husbands recovery, and i will pray for you and your family. i cant imagine how this time may be for your children.
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