falliblewoman

:i am feeling very hopeless today...i have been "officially" trying to get sober for over 3 moonths from outside sources (usually i would try it on my own and that never worked)- i started an out-patient treatment thinking that would "cure" me...after a few relapses, i tried AA. i am still going to AA but i have continued to relapse. my sponser today told me that she cannot help me until i stop drinking, well, i ask myself...can't she make me quit drinking?? haha. i am truely HUMBLED and HOPELESS. i feel like i have absolutely NO trust in my self and that is a SCARY feeling...not even my sponser can help me right now. what i think it comes down to (and this is what my sponser also said today) was that i have not truely ACCEPTED that i am an alcoholic... i know that i am an alcoholic and that my life is unmanagable and lonely and awful when i drink but i have not truely ACCEPTED it- i have not taken the action part of that sentance (accepting) and i keep trying to think that it will some how go away and i'll be "normal" again and all will be well. i also have given up patience- i keep hearing about how happy sobriety can be...well i am happy a lot but i am also VERY depressed and sad a lot and the only thing that i am used to filling my sadness with is alcohol...i know i need to fix that but i feel like no matter what i will always go back to drinking bc that is what i've always done.
Well, HOW THE HELL CAN I ACCEPT THAT I AM AN ALCOHOLIC??? i don't know how to do it...i can say it to myself but i always end up drinking again. i feel hopeless and lonely and like a failure- i hate when i drink and i hate when i am sober (**although much less). I keep wondering, do i really have to lose it all or go to jail or get raped or ******* kill myself?? What will make me accept and move on and accept accept accept accept that i am an alcoholic...aghhhh. i know that the answer is that i need to work harder and pray to my higher power and i am trying to do that but obviously not hard enough. i will quit my rambling...thanks for listening/reading and any advice would be helpful...i am 25yrs old and i want to have a happy and sober life and i want to STOP this viscious cycle of relapsing bc it will be a very sad life..... thank you and i am grateful for this site (i've been visiting here and reading for over a year)

peace and love

ANGELINA243

Keep reaching out for help. You are not alone. You mentioned out-patient treatment.....but have you ever been in an in-patient facility? I went to an in-patient facility for a short while cause out-patient didn't work for me. I was also in/out of AA for 5 years before I truly came to accept my alcoholism. Continue to go to AA if you think it helps....but you do get more out of it if you are not actively drinking. No one else can make you drink, just like no one else can make you stop. Just dont give up on yourself. My question to you--Do you really want to stop drinking? If so, keep moving forward even if you stumble. Acceptance didn't happen overnight for me either. You don't have to go through this alone. Keep posting. And remember--you don't ever have to drink again unless you choose to. Today I have a choice--but once I take that first drink I no longer have a choice....I am doomed. Recovery can be uncomfortable and even painful at first...but it well worth it once you make it through some of the tough stuff. Hang around awhile. Glad you are here.

kenyathena

I don't have the answers, but I do have to believe that there can be happiness without alcohol. I too went to AA on and off for a stint and then decided I could do it on my own. I can't, I haven't wanted to admit that I am an alcoholic because that means that I can NEVER drink again... and I think up until now that has scared me more than anything else. Now I am more afraid of loosing my children than anything else... I always thought that alcoholics looked a certain way or were lowlifes, not ME a 33year old female with two beautiful little children, a wonderful husband, career home etc etc... I know that I have NO power over this.... thankfully for me my husband recorded me last weekend after I was boozing in my bathroom from my secret stash pretending to be dying my hair... My kids went down stairs to tell my husband that I had fallen down and couldn't get up... what I saw on the video was APPAULING!!!!! I too feel like a fraud people who know me think I " have it all together" I don't drink around people for the most part because I don't want them to see how much I consume... if I do I end up making an ass of myself and passing out.... I don't know about you but I am TIRED of this.. tired of feeling guilty, tired of feeling like a failure, tired of being DRUNK and TIRED!!!! I hope that you hang in there, try to be kind to yourself, take responsibility for your actions and try to do the best you can from minute to minute, that is all we can do. Like I said I don't have the answers but please know that you are not alone in this.

CarolD

kenyathena....
Welcome to SR
Thanks for sharing part of your story with us.

I do hope you will decide to stay with us
You might want to come down to our main forum page
so more members will see you and reply.

Blessings to you and your family

Tommyh

what it took for me to accept I was a helpless,hopeless alcoholic was drinking.My head said I was a alcoholic,but my heart said,get a drink.It took a beating from booze and then one day after a 3 day binge,I woke up and was sick and then I just knew,in my heart,I was a hopeless alcoholic and I was going to die soon if I did not get help.Then I wanted AA and then was I willing to do whatever it took to never drink again.Then I took the right action and worked on getting well.I quit fighting it and surrendered....and then I won
your story may be different,I`m not saying to go drink.How bad do you really want to quit?Quit for ever,once and for all,to be free of it,with no reservations?If you are at that point,why not try the steps?

litetalk

Hi. My Name Is Melissa aka litetalk, And I am an Alcoholic & Addict. I attended my First meeting Of A.A. when I was 16 years old, I hung around for awhile just because it was something new and I had an awsome Sponsor @ the time, She was Beautiful and caring and I looked up 2 her. She took me to meetings night & day. Dinners & Banquets ect..all over the Pittsburgh Area. I was lonley, never felt like I belonged, I loved the attention, and since I was abused since I was a baby, I liked the kindness and the acceptance of other people. Back then (the 80's ) our Sponsors called us Pigions, not sponcees. I was not allowed to talk to the Men, I had to follow suggestions from my Sponsor. Bck then I was told I had to be on Step 1 for @ least a year and stay sober, before I could start working the steps. I lasted about 6 months, I got bored and restless and I started pulling away, I was just going to meetings and dances and such to be social and get away from abuse @ home and the responsibilites of being a young Mother. I was a binge Drinker @ the time, and I was the kind of person all my life, I would find something new, put all my energy into the flavor of the moment...after awhile I would get bored and go on to another thing to be obsessed about. But It all came down to the common thing that we Addicts share ~My Perrsonal opinion only~ We are born with addictive personalities. I traded one addiction for another through out my life time. U said U were 25 yrs old. I m 40. I was in and out of AA & NA & various other 12 Step programs throughout my life. I never fooled anyone, but myself. I was an Actress many times throughout my life. I never worked the steps Until 2004. That was because I never had the fesire to have real recovery. And I pray right now U r still reading this, because I am going to tell U a little secret that got me to surrender and get with the WE of the 12 Steps instead if the ~I~ of them. I dont know about you, but if you are an Alcoholic and you like most of us part of u can see your life sucks when u drink the rsmifivations of the drinking only get worse as your Illness progrsses and trust me it does! But Back yo that little secret I found out, in my mind and Prayer to My Higher Power, who I choose to call God(my special God, Just for me I was praying so hard, I wanted to die, ( take the easy-way out) But alas I was a coward, I figured heck I scewed u[ sp much, zi eould dvrew that up also, I was thinking, someone told me once that your HP Knows what U need before U do, But he wants you to figure it out and ask from your heart what you need and you will receive it. So I got to thinking, Well Part of me wanted recivery, The addict in me wanted to keep Drinking, So I figured, I needed to have the ~DESIRE TO GO TO ANY LENGHTS TO Want Recovery, WANT TO Accept I AM AN AlCOHOLIC & ADDICT. I Needed Above all else to TRUST my HGHER-POWER To Do All These things and 2 Send People In MY LIFE TO Direct me ans Tell Me & abover all Else Show me how. Well This is what I did for a few weeks, give or take a few days. This what I did....so simple, but ended up being remarkable. I prayed to my (HP) I Choose 2 call God. Here goes...every morning when I asked God to keep me sober for the day and help me to do the next right thing, I would throw in, ~ And Please grant me the DESIRE & the WILLIBNESS to go to any Lenghts for My RECOVERY!!!!!! Even when I don't Have that DESIRE, TO Please give it TO ME ANYWAY....I asked for this sometimes up 2 10 plus times per day and night, And Im not sure when It really happened....but IT DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started to embrace The Fact I was becoming Grateful, looking forward to waking up 2 find out what my HP Had planned 4 me that day!!! No things were not peachs & Creame all the time, But I Started to work the steps, I mean really work the steps, I cried alot, mostly greif, Sometimes sheer releif, sometimes Happy tears, Cause I was changing, I could see it, I was becoming who I should be, It was starting to all fit. I hope you give it some time!! I Hearddd it said a few thousand timrd over the years, "DON'T Walk Out BEFORE YOUR MIricle Happens" Im not a clich'e (SP?) type of person. I just know from years of if its possible regarding the 12 Step program~I either jacked it all up!!!!~ or I Had no friggin clue 2 what was going on. It Has been one heck of a ride. But I have no regrets I am so sorry this was so long, but I prayed and opened my heart when I read your Post, I was supposed to be sleeping, lol But thats alright,I pray that I halped u even a littl tiny bit. U sure Helped me!!!! Thank you, just keep coming back or better yet stick around, It May be Very Hard 4 U But Ur HP Might make it a little easier 4 U. And U know I do not Know you. But I Do!! You R Me In Alot of ways. my e-addy is melissalite******.com i try & go to the chat room as much as possible(sp?) Im going through a mountain of stuff right now, but im trusting my HP! Im Down 2 the wire, I am being displaced because the 4 Apt. Rental I live in Was forclosed on, and bank waits till Feb 19th,20th to inform us we got 2 b out by March 15th, they dated the Letter on Sat St. Valentines day ( From the Golf course???) lol Then they gave me a 2 week extension because I am Disbled and critical ( I am on again off again Liver Transplant list ) Last time I took My self off, but thats another day another story, right now, I am looking forward to meeting you snd letting U share as much or as little as U Like!!!! Take Care & It Is just a suggeston ( My Little secret) I am thinking of you and & Ill take u anyway U R here. Remember....~~~THE ONLY REQIREMENT TO BECOME A MEMBER OF A.A. IS THE DESIRE TO STOP DRINKING!!!!!~~~~~No where does it say you gotta stop drinking then become a member of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS!!!!!!!!!! If U need anyone 2 talk 2 I am here for U as so many other fine good hearted people here at SR, I have only been coming here for a few weeks, but its been a God send for me, as my fanily Doc & Good Friend for many years told me 2day, ( ~Quote~ You Dear have a Black Cloud hanging over you, But in the next sentsnce she added, If anyone else she knew Had the things that happen to me, happen to them, they would be insane!!!!

CarolD

litetalk ....Welcome to SR


Good to see a new member here with us

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

This may or may not help.

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A little hard to grasp, you might be thinking how you could miss something that's caused you so much pain, but if you're like many of us-if not all-alcohol/drugs were a very important part of our lives, ending that life them was a significant change. Your sponsor was absolutely right, this thing only works if you can get to the acceptance part.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

catzhaan

Thank you so much for your honesty...I am also struggling immensely with my addictions and always seem to give into them without much hesitation. I am definitely going to do my first step for however long it takes until I reach that point of acceptance, of surrender. I go to meetings every day but my addiction keeps picking on me and will say "after the meeting, you can just go get a pint of whatever. At least you went to a meeting!" Meetings don't keep me sober or clean; surrender and acceptance and hard work do, however.

CarolD

catzhaan.....Welcome to our recovery community

Yes....you too can find your new life

chris1959

BRAVO !!!!!

PixieNYC

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling! This SOOOO could be me! /PixieNYC

yeahgr8

Hi I thought i was an alcoholic when i was 21, then when 30 would say yeah i think i might be an alcoholic, then 35 would say im an alcoholic, then last year 37 actually....ok i'm an alcoholic...i'm in **** here!

I don't know if this is useful but for me it became a lot clearer just how much alcohol had run my life over all those years and as such it becomes a lot easier to stay on track. IMO i would look for some sort of rehab stay, maybe 3 months. This will give you the time you need to get some sort of direction in changing your life and also will give you sober time to reflect in a positive way and see your illness for what it is. I would look into this and save any excuses for not doing it for something that isn't definitely going to absolutely ruin your life.

Good luck and keep posting!

pedro1968

before i made it to AA i knew that alcohol was destroying my life even while i was drinking i didnt want to take another drink,i was aware what the consequences would be but i would keep on drinking i was ABSOLUTLEY POWERLESS over alcohol and while i was drinking my life was completely unmanagable

for the first few months i was able to stay sober because i was living in fear of alcohol but didnt truly understand or accept alcoholism.
what made me understand and accept was learning about the illness ,the mental obsession and the physical allergy,when i was able to identify with my sponsors experience and relate it to some of my own experiences,ive lost count how many times i would go for a beer or two and end up in oblivion
when i took one drink i wanted two then four and so on
so through understanding the illness and identifying with it i was able to accept i am an alcoholic and suffer from an incurable disease
but with help from AA,meetings,sponsorship and websites like this and ultimatley my higher power i am granted a daily reprieve

a day at a time

todd6138

I cannot count the number of times I have started over. I have heard once in AA, you never have to relapse again. I agree with the statement/ there is the fact that sometimes I use my brain instead of my heart to deal with my alcoholism because it is much easier to think than it is to feel. I have a hard time asking for help. It is hard to sum up years of frustration in one post so I'll keep it short. AA tells me the grave yard is full of people like me and that you can be too smart, but you can't ever feel too much. I guess right now the best things that i do right now are the things i don't want to do- go to meetings call somebody ask for help pray, even make my bed. I gues willingness is the key.

directedbyhp

:ghug
What do step one feels like is the question?
The best way I can tell you how step one feels like...It's like letting go of a bad relationship. You say to yourself I don't care if I am homeless and living on the street I will never be with your ass again.
or
If you have ever quit a job and said to yourself I would rather be on food stamps then work for you again.
or
If you have ever been to jail, you say to yourself, if I have to watch paint dry to stay out of jail, I will do it.
When the inside of you is sooo DONE with it you know you are READY to do Step One.
No person, place, or thing can convince you to take back that misery again.
You are willing to do anything, for how ever long it takes, to keep you away from it (drugs and alcohol). That's how it feels to me.
So when your ready! we won't have to say keep coming back you will already be there before the oldtimers, making coffee.

Angela
Louisville, KY

Jen09

Thank you so much for your post. It all struck home. Your situation is very much like my own. Thank you for sharing.

directedbyhp

your very welcome

CarolD

Jen09.....

directedbyhp....

Welcome to SR!
Glad to see you both here with us

Please do use our regular Forums
and share there too....

firestorm090

Feeling hopeless is not the same as being hopeless.

One sure sign that you are not hopeless is that you are looking for help. We all need help and that's ok. Needing help allows us to open up, to seek support from others that we don't have in our lives and that's our way of connecting to others that are real. I thought I had a ton of friends at the bars, but not one of them would help me learn to live sober. I've found a couple friends here that really want to help, which is the neatest thing. Just the few replies you've received show that others here really care and will help in any way to support your efforts to live sober. The strength of this group will slowly replace the feeling of hopelessness you have, so keep coming back.