Aysha

More drama..I wasnt even going to mention it. But the first thing I hear when I wake up is "And I dont have a stash anywhere."
WHere the hell did that come from?
My uncle, cousin and other cousins uncle were having a few drinks last night at my aunts house. That is their right. They dont get plastered and they hardly ever drink. Only on occasion. And know when to put it down.

They were not making it obvious or even saying they were having a drink. And made a point to make the drinks out of eye sight of my grams.

Well after we ate..My grams gets an attitude and says she's going home. We are all begging her to stay. My aunt keeps asking her whats wrong and she is sayin nothing.
So I walk her back down here and I ask her whats wrong. And really snotty she says" I seen them over there making drinks and looking at me to see if I was watching them. I'm tired of people running my life."

What is that all about?

I told her noone was looking at her or even knew about her drinking last week except my aunt. she is like BS..And started rambling about something. And then got mad at me.

Then this morning I ask her if she has the kids today. She didnt even answer me. She just said "And I dont have a stash anywhere!"

WTF?

And my dad's boss called her the other day. She went out to dinner with him
a few times the beginning of summer. And he drinks like crazy. And so was she when she went with him. I didnt like it. So when he called I told her I hope she doesnt start hanging out with him again.

Then there she goes telling me about my drug habit again.
Well I have never denied or lied about what I am. I know what I am and never hid it or lied about it. Not saying I am better for it. But its the whole denial thing.

I feel like I am in a time warp here. I want to ask her if something else is bothering her. She just isnt herself for the past few months. She is saying things about family like gossipy things. And thats not her at all.

I am hoping this isnt something more serious that comes with age or health. You know what I mean?

This is a new year. I am so hype about making this year a great for myself.
I dont need this ****.

Someone please help me understand why she lies about drinking. Hides it and gets so dam defensive.

And theres no reasoning with her about it. She is not wrong as far as she's concerned.
I dont want to go through this again.

Sorry to keep laying my private family BS on you guys. But who else can I talk to that will understand?
This hurts. I hate seeing her like that.

And please dont say suggest meetings. Or anything like that.
Not knocking it. But thats not going to happen.

JustJohn

Therein lies your answer. You don't need the drama. Sometimes, you just have to let it go and do what you have to do for you. Selfish? No. You'll help others much more by being clean and sober and setting the example without engaging in debate with others who still choose to use or drink.

Avoid the drama and do what you have to do to keep yourself and your life on the right track.

Aysha

Just now my cousin brings the kids. My cousin asked her last night if she would watch the kids today. So she thought it was next week. I had to call my cousin and ask her when she meant. When she brings the kids..My gram says..I need your schedule on my calendar. I get confused and it not because I am drinking.
Was that really necessary. Noone is even saying anything to her. And noone said anythign to her last week except me.
I understand what your saying Just John..But it still doesnt make me understand what all the attitude and remarks are about. She is my grandmother..I live with her and I love her. I am concerned and dont undrstand. I never did these things using. So I dont know what the reasoning is behind that.
And how do you let go of somehting when that other person wont. ANd just keeps on and on about it. And what worries me more...Is as far as I know..She hasnt drank since Christmas eve. So why is this all an issue all of a sudden?
But I agree...

Bamboozle

I've gotten defensive with my mom before, chiy...when she would make comments that I drink too much...(this was about a year ago). I'd get super pissed, put up my "barriers", and proceed to get smashed. It was easier to get angry at her and take what she said as a criticism rather than me owning up to myself. Somewhere along the way I stopped doing that...when I finally knew how bad I was. It took some self-searching (and heart palpitations) to realize that. I've since relapsed several times, but I only get angry with myself now...and I'm making efforts to stay sober.

It's a personal journey of sorts...I don't know what it will take for her to realize she needs to stop this. I'm sorry you are witnessing this right now.

I also want to add that I don't know if this is the only thing going on with your gramma. I'm curious, though. When was the last time she went to a doctor for any reason? Sorry if you already mentioned this...I have a short memory sometimes.

Bamboozle

I don't know if this will make sense, but I've heard this before: sometimes people take out their anger/frustrations on family because they know that they will be forgiven. I've done it before to my family. I'm glad that they've put up with me. I'm working on it.

I know that does nothing to excuse it (because it hurts), but maybe that's the way she's thinking? I really don't know.

Anna

Trish,

I think it's all about boundaries.

You need to distance yourself from your family members that are upsetting you.

You need to take of yourself.

Aysha

Yea..I have done that more times than I can count. Especially with her. The anger at others because I know I can.
But it isnt like her to be like this. She sees a DR regularly. She is getting older. She's 70. And her memory is a little sketchy at times.
I know she's human. But I just dont get what all that defensiveness and remarks are about.
I can deal with it. And more so now after last week. I am practicing patience and compassion. Grinding my teeth at the same time. But I am. I just dont like it. As I am sure she didnt me when I was using. But I dont think I ever did the whole denial and hiding and snide remarks to anyone accusing me of my using. I always have been very honest and owned up for mine. Most of the time.
Anyway..I am probably making a big deal out of nothing. So I will shut up now.
I will just nod and smile. Whatever.

ANGELINA243

She may be an alcoholic, which if this is indeed the case--this type behavior would make perfect sense. I used to act the same way--getting defensive when someone would suggest I might be drinking too much. I also used to hide bottles around the house. After awhile, I couldn't tell what was truth from false--my life seemed "normal" and everyone else's seemed abnormal. When confronted about my alcoholism, I would lash out at others--"kindly" reminding them of things they did in their past in hopes they would leave me alone--pointing fingers and blaming others saying they were no better than me so they should stop telling me what to do with my life. I didn't want anyone/anything coming in between me and my booze.

If she doesn't think she has a problem and is outwardly defensive, then she most likely wouldn't go willingly to a meeting anyway. Another thing, is there someone else outside the family--like a medical doctor that knows about her condition who can help? Sometimes hearing things coming from a medical professional doesn't seem as threatening as suggestions coming from family members. I listened to what the doctors said--or at least gave it some thought when they gave medical reasons behind what they were saying. I didn't think they were trying to "ruin my life" like I sometimes felt when my family was speaking to me.

lisa t

hey chi...i was thinking as i was reading your posts that since she hasn't had a drink since xmas eve....maybe she's just angry! maybe she feels guilty and ashamed of her behavior and doesn't want to think about drinking but still does and is thinking everyone is watching her closely waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak...i'm not sure of course but i know that when i was still active and had a "bad" night...there were many...i would feel so guilty and remorseful and angry that i couldn't keep it together and drink like a "normal" person...self-loathing and lashing out were my signatures...OR it could be her age/health...i dunno know...just some things i was thinking...i wish you a happy healthy sober new year and one filled with less drama...hang in there and be good to YOU!!!
Much love & hugs!
Lisa

Aysha

She has been saying for the past few days that she is never going to drink like that again. It made her sick. And just little comments about how crappy she feels. So that could very well be it. Guilt. She's gettin to be a little mean in her old age. But I guess if I had to live with someone like me and put up with the **** my dad put her through when he was drinking. I would be angry too.
I will accept and love her no matter what. As she has always done me.
Distancing myself will never be an option. She never turned away from me. I would never do it to her.
I would kill and die for her.
I just have to learn to deal with it I guess.
Thanks all.
I was cleaning the spare bedroom the other day and found an empty wine split bottle in between the sheets of the bed. ???? She said she doesnt even remember putting it there.
I hope this is over soon.
She deserves to be happy too.
I think when the kids are gone later. I am going to attempt to talk to her very calmly and understanding to see if maybe something is bothering her.

Toomutch

Hi Trish - Not to minimize what your going through, because it is obvious that it has you shaken up badly. Could it be that this is a hard time of year for her? Is she taking her frustrations out on the family?

Could you sit down with her over a cup of coffee and have a chat? Let her know how much she means to you?

More importantly, could you let her know how upset these behaviors make you, when all you are trying to do is help?

Just some thoughts.

Kellye C

Man this has to be hard on you Chiy. Big hugs for you. Speaking from my perspective as an alcoholic, if I had to guess I would guess that she is wanting a drink REALLY bad and is pissed because she feels everyone is watching her every move (thus the comments about the secret stash), hiding their drinking from her and she is getting desperate for a drink. I could be WAY off here but to me that would explain the attitude completely. I could easily see myself acting like that because I did to a certain extent. Then I just got sneakier at hiding it. I kept a bottle between the matress and box springs where I could get at it without my kids finding it. Kept them in closets, the trunk of my car etc.

I really feel for you and for your grams. I would wish this on anyone as it is an awful way to live both for the family and the one struggling with the addiction. I hope 2009 will bring better times for you and your family.

Hugs,
Kellye

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

Sounds to me like she is feeling guilty about Christmas eve. My stepmom was recently arrested for trying to get a fraudulent prescription filled and is convinced that everyone knows...including the cashiers at the grocery store!?!??!!

She is not the type to bring up my past, but my dad does. He's 69, and has always been that way. He is also getting more forgetful.

The one thing I've learned is that we CAN detach and still be there for our family. My dad has always been there for me, and I will always be there for him. However, there are some things about him, that I have to step back and detach from emotionally. Some things I've had to think about for a day or two, then discuss it with him, when I've thought it through and can be calm and rational about it. It took me a while, but I've learned that I can take care of me, and address my concerns while still showing him my love.

I've also seen that by me taking care of me, my dad has picked up on how I deal with things. He's told me, several times, that he admires my attitude and how I handle situations. I certainly didn't get that way overnight, but each little baby step I took, made me a little stronger and it will work the same way for you.

So, think of it like this...not only is taking care of you is important for YOU, it is good for grams and your little cousins. It only takes one person in a house to start the ball rolling and your mood will soon infect everyone else in a good way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Rebecca4

Hi

I am not in the same situation but can sort of feel a little bit what your going through. Can I just clarify though - does your gran have an issue with drink?