Volleygirl

In tears and after a couple of beers, he told me over the phone last night, that he has a problem. He said it's so clear when he's been drinking, but when he's sober he just wants to put the blame on everyone else. He's embarrassed and in disbelief he's even spoken those words. It's hard for him to understand (and me too) and he's confused. I said something about AA, but immediately he's worried about people finding out. He feels like a loser, a failure, ect. He said he misses me and needs my support. (He really wants me to come back home. He thinks that it would be extra motivation for him. I don't think it's a wise idea.) My question is, what do I do next? How do I support him? I don't want to push AA down his throat. I suggested I come over and we do dinner some evenings....just to take his mind off of doing other things and for us to spend time together. I just don't want to ruin this breakthrough.

drained22

I had the same situation where she would admit some things where she is drunk but when she was sober she would deny it or say I had a "sheltered life".

I actually believed it but I live in the Bronx (better area) but she lives in a upper class neighborhood in Long Island where her house is 4x as big as mine.

just wait and see if he actually does it or what his reaction is if you bring his drinking up when he's sober.

Volleygirl

Well, I stopped by this morning. He was somber, but remembered everything he'd said. No denying the issue. I just feel a little anxious about bringing it up. Should I let him take the reins and not put in my two cents? I've always read it's up to them, it's their decison. I just need to know how to support him. I also know I need to continue to stand my ground.

Barbara52

IF he seriously wants to seek recovery, HE will take action. YOU can't do a thing.

I have found I cannot be the support system for the alcoholics I know. I do not know what they are going thru since I am not an alcoholic. I can be supportive but I cannot be the support system to help the alcoholic find recovery.

ToughChoices

I found that my "two cents" usually turned into a $1,000 conversation. I couldn't afford it.

I REALLY wanted to give my A my opinion about what he should do, how he should handle himself, etc..
Today I try hard not to give advice unless I am specifically asked for it - and even then I often say "I don't know. I'm sure you'll find the way for yourself."

I feel that I am the best support for my AH when I am meeting my own needs and respecting the fact that his life is separate from my own.

Best of luck to you!

-TC

GiveLove

Has he ASKED you for support, other than "come back home so everything's comfortable for me like it used to be" (which is such a common tactic it's not even funny) ?

Aside from this self-serving request, exactly what kind of support does he say he wants from you in order to get better? Or does he want support in making it all go away? You might ask him what he thinks he needs from you, and then evaluate whether you're willing & able to give it without compromising your own happiness and without enabling him. For example, I was perfectly happy to sit down at the computer WITH my XABF and try to find meetings together. I wasn't willing to go make him dinner just to watch him get hammered and make him feel like that was okay with me. That wasn't helping me or him.

Know that YOU cannot heal him. He has to want that for himself and take action himself. You can concentrate on your own life, your own happiness, your own dreams, your own growth as a person. Or have you forgotten those in your worry about HIS problems?

Volleygirl

No, I still have all my personal wants and needs in the back of my head and I'm standing strong on those. I know if I ask him though, what he "needs" from me..I'm pretty sure the answer would be for me to come home. I need a way to let him know that I can still "support" him and we can start to heal individually and together without me jumping the gun and moving back home. All the while not crushing him.

ToughChoices

Mine insisted that he would be unable to manage on his own. He said that he couldn't stay sober if I wasn't physically there to support him.
He was conveniently forgetting that he had historically been unable to stay sober when I lived with him. Why would it be any different this time?

So far, AH is still alive and kicking. He's also still drinking. He never really stopped - just talked about how he would if I was there.

I knew it was best for me to love and support my A from a healthy distance. I spent quite a while trying to "convince" him that living separately was in our best interest. There were quite a few REALLY ugly conversations on that subject.
Now I can see that it is absolutely unnecessary to convince someone else that I am doing the right thing for me. It simplifies my life a lot now that I don't have to explain and justify my decisions all the time.

-TC

JustMeInWI

Amen to that. I'm still struggling with trying to explain to my stbXRAH why it is that I had to move out, why it is that we both need time to heal and grow and change on our own, and why it is that I finally filed for divorce when he couldn't and wouldn't respect the first two points. It's an exhausting and useless battle of the wits, where I just end up feeling exhausted and more confused than when it started.

Ago

My "breakthrough" occurred when I actually quit drinking not when I talked about it.

I "quit drinking" more times then I "quit smoking" and I quit smoking daily.

My next "breakthrough" occurred when I learned although my problem had "your name" on it, "my solution" had to have my name on it.

I can't get involved with anyone's drinking but my own except at AA meetings, that's the only place I "offer support" because that's where alcoholics go that are actually doing something about their drinking.

It's a tricky time right now for you, for me when my xgf decided to "get sober" any attempts of mine "to be helpful" were viewed as manipulation or "hurtful", statements such as "when you lie to me I have difficulty trusting you" are hurtful and abusive doncha know haha

The extent of my "help" now would be to drive "him/her" to a meeting, drop her/him off and drive away and never mention it again, that includes making them find their own way home, they need to learn to at least ask for help like for a ride home before they can ask for help for their drinking.

I would "get the information" in the next week or so, if I hear things like "doing 90 in 90", sponsor, where's the meeting tonight, etc I would know which path they were on and stay out of it, if I didn't hear those things that would be significant and I would "have the information" as well, and I could base my decision on THAT information.

I probably talked about "my little problem" for ten years before I did something about it, I made many resolutions but never a decision.

Oh my, that has been absolutely my "lesson" this month, coming up again and again and again, to finally last night someone started questioning me and my answer was simply to smile and say "I don't care to discuss this with you, thank you for asking" and he was "pushing hard" and "asked" over six times.

No IS a complete sentence

Freedom1990

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starting point on recognizing our codependent behaviors, including feeling responsible for someone else's feelings.

I was a people-pleaser for years, walked around on eggshells, and inevitably someone would get madder than hell because you can't please everyone all the time.

It was an exhausting way to live, and I was frustrated 99% of the time.

Thank God I don't have to live that way anymore.

laurie6781

That can open a whole new set of MANIPULATIONS on his part.

Better to just say something like:

"I am glad you realize you have a problem. You work on YOU and I'll work on ME and we'll see where it takes us."

Just remember, right now, ther is only WORDS which I like to refer to the QUACKING of hte alcoholic, Lord knows I did enough of it while still out there. Let his ACTIONS be your guide.

Has he called AA? Has he called around on got on line, looking for an addiction counselor? Has he looked on line, or called around looking for an 'in patient' rehab or an Intensive Outpatient Program. BTW Salvation Army has a GREAT rehab program and it is FREE.

Honestly, your best support for him, is to stand back and just WATCH his ACTIONS. Don't listen to the words, just watch the ACTIONS over the next year or so. You will get an idean of just how serious he is, and whether he might be someone you would like to continue a relationship or not.

J M H O

Love and hugs,