dazednconfuzed

I just kept making wrong decisions upon wrong decisions to the point where either I would make yet another one or I would be paralyzed to make any!

I had a red flad from the beginning 13 years ago, when we were first dating. He was drunk and beligerent one night and I told him he was an alcoholic. He told me that if I ever called him that again - I would never see him again. Oh how I wished I had heeded that flag! How different my life would be now ...

After that, he took over my life and as the years have progressed, I have made decisions that have cost me thousands of dollars, just because I didn't turf him when I had my best chances to do so. Now - in a recession, we'll never sell the house without losing on it, and I feel more stuck than EVER with him. He does bring in a fairly good income, but the price I have to pay for that, far exceeds the benefit.

How do you cut your losses and move on? At what point do you stop thinking 'what if' I'd cut them when there wasn't as much to lose as there is now?

I used to think I was stuck before, but now I actually believe that you can just get stucker and stucker, until you finally just sink ...

fluer

Sorry you feel overwhelmed. Looking at whats true is so hard,living in whats true is even harder. Sounds like you may be tired of pretending, and losing your energy to do so. I wish you much strength. The key to getting unstuck is acknowledging whats true and addressing your emotional state .It becomes more clear what then to actually do about it. A therapist can be an invaluable resource to you in a time such as this. Having someone in your corner, helping you, and caring about your needs can be life changing. sounds like you may be ready for a life change. It's never too late to do the right thing,never. You have plenty of life to still live. Good luck to you.

Barbara52

I decided my life and sanity was worth the loss of equity in my former house. I was willing to let it go into foreclosure rahter than stay with now xAH. I lucked out and it sold 1 week before the foreclosure sale. I got a whopping $1500 in equity whereas if we had sold it when I first told xAH that was what needed to be done I might have gotten $150000. Getting out of the marriage was worth any financial hits.

LaTeeDa

Which would be impossible for him to do unless you allowed it.....

Read my signature quote by Thoreau..........

For me, I could not do it as long as I was blaming him and being a victim. Your post is full of victimhood. Until you take responsibility for your own situation, you will remain stuck.

It's entirely up to you. You cannot go back and change the past. Today is the only day you can change. Do you want to continue the path you are on, or change direction?

I apologize in advance to those who may see this post as harsh. Reality can be that way.

L

dazednconfuzed

So sorry Barbara - that you had to lose so much. I won't lose that much, but I have lost the money my father left me when he passed, and that is really hard for me, because it wasn't just money - it represented a lot more than that to me ...

Yes - I really understand this, but it happened so slowly and almost methodically. Bad situations just seem to pile on top of one another and it seemed as soon as I'd gotten over one - a new one reared its ugly head. Next thing I knew, I'd become crippled and SO in denial of what I was really experiencing! I COULDN'T BELIEVE that I didn't drink a drop and that alcohol was destroying MY life. I had to believe it was something else that was making me so sick.

Yes I am in 'victim mode'. I REALLY AM!!! I spend a lot of time trying to separate my own faults in all of this from the damage that has been rendered me by the A. I don't want to be a victim any longer but some days I feel so overwhelmed, I have to blind myself to the way it really is - just to get through the day. I don't want to be the victim forever, and that's why I'm here ... and going to my first Al-anon meeting on New Year's Eve! Won't he be surprised that I'm not going to be there for the 'romantic' evening he's planned of his drinking, demands and listening to him banter and rage for hours on end?

No apologies for the 'harsh' post. Wow it's all so true. Nothing could be harsher than the pain I go through every day! It can only get better!

Barbara52

I lost $ and things. No big deal really. I more than made up for any material losses with the peace and personal growth I have gone through and in the happiness I have gained. I'd give up the money all over again to be where I am now.

Perhaps try to separate the memories or whatever you are attaching to the things. You will never lose what that money represents to you.

LaTeeDa

I stayed stuck for a long time. I told myself that I couldn't just quit after 18 years of marriage. All those years invested, for what? That kind of thinking only made things worse. What's worse than staying in a bad marriage 18 years? Staying in a bad marriage 19 years, or 20 or 25.............................

The past is the past. Life doesn't have a reverse gear, it only goes forward. If you live fixated on the rear-view mirror, your life will continue to be one crash after another.

L

Chrysalis123

I can so relate to this. In my case the "boiling of the frog" took 18 years before I hit my bottom. I too had the bad situation on top of bad situation and prefered to be in denial and live in magical thinking than acknowledge what was happening. I wasn't able to do that because it was TERRIFYING to me. I didn't want to face the fact that my choice had a price. I wanted him to pay the price for what he had done to me.

A little more than a year ago I had enough. It was terrifying, I needed a lot of support and found it in Alanon, therapy, here, books. I am doing OK Dazed. I'm not dazed and confused anymore. I am happy more than not.

I think it is great you are reaching out and talking about your struggle. I have confidence you are going to figure this out and take charge of your life and make it what you want.

RobinsFly

I understand where you're coming from.

It's challenging to look back and say "doh!", I should've left then!

But, perhaps like me, you didn't know about alcoholism and how it twists relationships. You didn't know what "normal" looks like. And you probably saw all the positive aspects of your AH.

It's a learning process. Now, you do have more information and it sounds like you are ready for change.
Be kind to yourself. There will come a time when your sanity takes priority over lost $.

Try to replace "mistakes", with "learning".

TakingCharge999

Hi dazedandconfused
Yesterday I was thinking the same, "wow, i made a lot of mistakes, from Day 1 to the very last conversation with yhe XABF" and then I realized this would also apply to my life as well, from the starting point to my last breath, I will keep on making mistakes, and everything "COULD" have been much better IF and only IF...
So I am just trying to zoom out from it all. At the end we will all die and nothing will matter!! that's what my therapist told me, lol. "We are all just seeing how we entertain ourselves before we die". A rather obscure thought but it has helped me. We are all born alone and die alone and even if we are with the love of our lives and with a loving family and the whole "happiness" package, we are alone... so the only goal really is to be at peace with oneself. I am a victim/martyr as well and it feels SO great to realize you are, because then you can catch yourself repeating the same train of thoughts. No one lives a perfect life and no one can know beforehand what to do or not to do, that's why they are life lessons... the only thing that matters is for you to treat yourself better.. try and learn as much as you can from all the events in your life, from all the people that touch you in any way.. and be humble enough to know that there's a Master plan. Well, at least that helps me. To know that I am just a human and part of something much vaster, that eventhough some things just do not make sense, they DO make sense at some level.. that just as the AH were useful for us in showing us who we really are and some ugly truths about ourselves.. WE also had a purpose in THEIR lives.. even if they do not show it and disregard everything leaving you numb and heartbroken (a.k.a ME). He is not the same person and I am not the same person, other lessons await, and maybe what you think "may be best" according to your dream is not what God is planning for you.. everything turns out to the best.. so you can cling to an idea or a person and suffer (totally ME as well).. or you can just try to zoom out, and FOR ONCE try to be YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND and tell yourself "I did what I could at the moment. Right now the past is open to interpretation because I did not know what I know now" and let the past lay there. The future, well, who knows what will happen in the future... just focus on today, I just learned you can live in your own paradise, doing your best, enjoying your favorite song, being loving with yourself, or you can create your own internal hell, beating yourself up for the past, afraid of the future and denying you are just a human being, as vulnerable and erratic as anybody but also just as valuable and strong to admit your weaknesses and errors and RAISE above them!! Choosing something else. Playing the victim is the easy path, why don't we try something else? Taking control of our lives!! Can you imagine. After so many years of feeling no one, or subject to someone else you are learning one of the most beautiful lessons... that YOU are in charge!! And that no one else owns your life or your soul or your happiness... that realization is beautiful. I wish it was easier to do it in real life!! but you only need to decide it for yourself. And then do it. There are no "Hows", just choose it...

TakingCharge999

Oh and about money, I was also beating myself up because the XAHB got to stay in the superhouse we looked for together, has this flashy car, earns more than I do while he never comes early to work, leaves early and does literally nothing (according to his coworkers)... and then I remembered a few months ago while I was spending a little holiday in St Tropez (thanks to my millionare sister lol) ... going to clubs where bottles were worth 1000 euros.. and everybody looked as if they were just taken out from a Dolce /Gabanna or Lacoste ad in their yachts. So I said, "if I am envying, why do I envy HIM? if I will envy why not envy... let's say... the princess Rania from Jordania, or Victoria Beckam, or Eva Longoria, or the heiress Onassis? now THEY have money" and realized how silly is to compare yourself or to cling to money or possesions.. when you do not even own your body, you will lose it someday too.

And well, by the end I sleep in my little room and drive my little old car.. but I am relaxed... I have a roof on top of me, enough food at my table, a job that lets me have the luxury of a car, and freedom to drive or travel wherever I wish.. without a guy telling me why I am too fat.. and not fun enough.. because my life didn't revolve around parties and drinking as his...and abusing the trust I gave him before when he was still more sober than drunk. that's priceless!

Sorry I am just rambling on and on with silly stuff !! But I send you hugs and I wanted to tell you I AM PROUD OF YOU for your new discoveries!! :>