suchAsucker

Well, I don't really know what I'm doing or thinking about this entire situation. I thought I was doing so well in my program, getting my life on track.. To update: the last time I posted, I'd discovered that my addict fiancé (DOC crack) had stolen from me, so I tried to kick him out by dropping him off at Salvation Army but he refused to get out of the car. I decided to leave him...

But I'm still here, things have become so bad -- and yet I find myself now actually believing that *this* time he "really means it" and 2009 is "our year". My head knows this is total BS. I feel like I've been hypnotized or am having some kind of out-of-body experience: I can see myself doing/saying/thinking stuff, but am completely in shock at myself for thinking that anything will be different. "Nothing changes, if nothing changes"..

I know I'm a smart, logical woman but I did everything stupid in the past month: bought 1 drug test and it tested positive, and he actually had me convinced that it was the "paint fumes" that may have screwed up the test, so I went a bought a 2nd one, which tested positive (of course), and then believed him when he cried and said he would stop;; On Christmas, he bought me a 10,000-piece puzzle ($5) as my gift, after I'd seen work-checks for hundreds of dollars pass thru his hands for drugs in the past 2 weeks and him saying he was going to buying me something "precious";; and the day after Christmas he finally "came clean" because he wanted us to "start 2009 fresh" by finally admitting that 9-days prior he pawned my iPod -- and then had the nerve to get angry at *me* for being totally humiliated at waiting in line with him to buy back MY OWN iPOD!!

...And now he is telling me that he needs to payback his drug dealer $40 for some crack he bought "a couple months ago".. I'm so angry. I want to say, "Hey jerk, why don't you pay me pack for the PAWNSHOP ticket first!"

But the biggest question and confusion for me is: WHY AM I STILL HERE? I had such good intentions and initial follow-thru to walk out the door. WHY DO I PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP? Just when I muster all logic and strength to toss him out, I'm bedazzled by his BS, and am back to square-one. WHY DO I BELIEVE HIM? My head knows it's all lies, but my heart wants to live in complete denial of Reality. HOW CAN I NOT BELIEVE WHAT IS IN FRONT OF MY EYES?

I just need to vent. I feel like I'm brain-washed: I can see what I'm doing, but cannot believe it's me doing it. Why am I still on this Circus ride. Any feedback is welcome. Please tell me what's going on with me.. Similar experiences to share and resolutions?.. anything...?

outtolunch

Get a copy of Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It could save your life.

liesagain

I agree, get codependant no more and start reading.

Theres also a saying ....................we TEACH people HOW to treat us.

when we accept these types of things from someone thats suppose to love us we are teaching them its ok

we have to LOVE ourself ENOUGH not to be treated this way

and sadly, its really not about HIM, this is about you So starting to read and learn about codependancy is a great start towards working on yourself
because quite frankly, even if you ditch this guy whos treating you this way .........theres another one in line behind him............UNLESS you learn and begin to heal the things in you that get you in and keep you in these relationships

stick around, there are alot of people here who have alot to share
best wishes to you

liesagain

oh and by the way my husband is an crack addict, and I've heard the I have to pay the dealer, and I've been to the pawn shop too..............so please dont think I'm being hard on you or saying that your in some way to blame.............I am not
I am saying that we, ( codependents) have our own issues often even before the addicts come into our life.

Things we may not even reconize until we start looking for help for them.........

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

Yeah, I've been in a similar situation, won't bore you with the details. Something I've asked myself, what did I get out of the relationship? What was my payoff? You might try asking that of yourself. We get so caught up in the thing we tend to ignore or forget this.

Impurrfect

I have been there, so many times. Honestly, the only way I got away from him was we both got locked up, a day apart, and we had a "forced" seperation. That gave me enough time to get clean, on my part. Even then, when I relapsed, I headed right back to him. For some reason, that's when I finally saw him for what he was. I was about to lose my car, and it was the one thing I really, really didn't want to lose, and he could care less. So I came back home and left him there.

Almost 22 months later, I'm still clean and he's back in jail.

So, I guess I'm not the best one for giving advice because when I was f2f with him, I got sucked in pretty bad. I guess, though, I finally hit bottom with HIM at the same time I hit it with my addiction. I just got tired of being miserable.

I agree with reading Codependent No More. I also think that we become as addicted to them as they are to their DOC. You know crack is bad for them, ruining their lives...why can't the give it up? You know he's not enhancing your life, bringing you down, costing you a small fortune...why can't you give him up? Not trying to be harsh, but I always said "because I LOVE him"...I still love my ex, but I'm no longer IN LOVE with him and I won't let anyone treat me like he did.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

jerect

(((((suchasucker))))))

Have you tried Alanon? If not, please consider it... I know I sound like a walking billboard for Alanon but it has literaly saved my life and my sanity..

In the meantime, please keep posting here...