Well, I don't really know what I'm doing or thinking about this entire situation. I thought I was doing so well in my program, getting my life on track.. To update: the last time I posted, I'd discovered that my addict fiancé (DOC crack) had stolen from me, so I tried to kick him out by dropping him off at Salvation Army but he refused to get out of the car. I decided to leave him...
But I'm still here, things have become so bad -- and yet I find myself now actually believing that *this* time he "really means it" and 2009 is "our year". My head knows this is total BS. I feel like I've been hypnotized or am having some kind of out-of-body experience: I can see myself doing/saying/thinking stuff, but am completely in shock at myself for thinking that anything will be different. "Nothing changes, if nothing changes"..
I know I'm a smart, logical woman but I did everything stupid in the past month: bought 1 drug test and it tested positive, and he actually had me convinced that it was the "paint fumes" that may have screwed up the test, so I went a bought a 2nd one, which tested positive (of course), and then believed him when he cried and said he would stop;; On Christmas, he bought me a 10,000-piece puzzle ($5) as my gift, after I'd seen work-checks for hundreds of dollars pass thru his hands for drugs in the past 2 weeks and him saying he was going to buying me something "precious";; and the day after Christmas he finally "came clean" because he wanted us to "start 2009 fresh" by finally admitting that 9-days prior he pawned my iPod -- and then had the nerve to get angry at *me* for being totally humiliated at waiting in line with him to buy back MY OWN iPOD!!
...And now he is telling me that he needs to payback his drug dealer $40 for some crack he bought "a couple months ago".. I'm so angry. I want to say, "Hey jerk, why don't you pay me pack for the PAWNSHOP ticket first!"
But the biggest question and confusion for me is: WHY AM I STILL HERE? I had such good intentions and initial follow-thru to walk out the door. WHY DO I PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP? Just when I muster all logic and strength to toss him out, I'm bedazzled by his BS, and am back to square-one. WHY DO I BELIEVE HIM? My head knows it's all lies, but my heart wants to live in complete denial of Reality. HOW CAN I NOT BELIEVE WHAT IS IN FRONT OF MY EYES?
I just need to vent. I feel like I'm brain-washed: I can see what I'm doing, but cannot believe it's me doing it. Why am I still on this Circus ride. Any feedback is welcome. Please tell me what's going on with me.. Similar experiences to share and resolutions?.. anything...?
