imsherrie

Hello too all..this forum has helped me SOOOO much! So thankful i found you guys. I have lived with an alcholic..weed addicted..porn addicted boyfriend for the past four years!! His many addictions i would take so personal..it was chocking the life out of me!! I have been chocked by him when he was angry with me..this was during a few months sobriety..he was just as horrible when not drinking!!! No..i would say..WORSE!!! My daughter and son lived with us as well as his daughter on the weekends. I met him when i was32...he was 41! i wanted to help him quit drinking so desperatly..he had a problem with alchol since the age of 13..i didnt realize how much alchol had a strong hold on him!! I thought i was strong enough..i can help fix him!!! How blind and foolish can you get! So..with encouragement from me..he made an attempt to quit..for about 8 months..but oohh the anger and rage..it broke my heart..and the kids as well.(my daughter was 6..my son13, his daughter 11). His addiction to porn was horrible during this time..always leering at women..making sexual comments..couldnt focus during conversations if an attractive woman passed by..would practially veer off the road just too stare..would send me out to the store or on an errand so that he could be alone with the internet..I tried to tell myself lets get passed the alchol addiction first..it tore at my self esteem..made me feel invisable..was so hard. His family said i was the best think to happen to him..they felt like with me by his side he would be ready to give up the alchol addiction. He never attempted to lay it aside at any other time they could remembereven though thats what they had prayed and longed for..HIS SOBRIETY!!! When angry he would say..how can you complain..look what ive given up for YOU!!!! I realize it has too truley be what he wants for himself!! Im sure he will see that one day..it really cant be us wanting it for them..not with any addiction! anyways..i would take a shower in the morning and walk into the room to him masterbating..taking care of his own business i guess..and was so caught up in porn..he couldnt keep an erection without it!!! I was attractive..all his friends commented about how lucky he was too have me in his life..i enjoyed sex..and wasnt being satisfied by him due to his porn addiction. He would want me too watch it with him..i just couldnt do it! Didnt enjoy it because i already know the affect and hold it had on him!! He was much more satisfied with the high from porn than real contact with a real woman!! I was so foolish to have stayed so long in misery..but i was so in love with his mom and dad who cared for me and showered me with love and kindness like i had never known..and i came to love his daughter as my own!! aND she felt the same toward me. He had 3 failed marriages due to alchol...so its no suprise we ended up not making it..He replaced alchol with weed after the eight months sobriety...and i knew it wouldnt be long before alchol became a part of the picture again! One night i tried to talk to him about the porn and weed..told him i cant live this way..was causing me too much hurt to live this way..he became angry..came towards me..and punched me in the face! I FELT blood run down my face..our daughters stepped in the room..they looked so afraid...i was in shock that he would do something so horrible. But now i look back..it was bound to happen sooner or later. It started out with pushing me around..then holding me against the wall..chocking me several times...now why should this be any different!!! I left him within a few days..i let his daughter know i was leaving..left his mom a good bye letter!! i grieved the loss of failing his family because they had so many hopes tied up in him finally settling down and being sober and happy!!! HE started calling me and appoligizing..promising he had seen the light..this will never happen again..he knew he had to change..blah blah blah...i bought into it..(oohh how niave i was)...went back a couple weeks later...within a month he was drinking..smoking dope..and looking at porn at work instead of home!!! I stayed a few more years of him being smoked up..drunk and making promises of a better tommorow! That hope for a better life with him never came. His daughter and i were so close..she was and is very precious to me!!! As well as his mom and dad..though i miss them..i realized i need to take care of me and my sanity so that my daughter and son have me present with them. That wasnt living..THAT WAS SLOWLY DYING!!! I have too much love and care and heart to let someone rob it from me!!! I was just wasting it on the wrong person!! i care for him..i have love for him..and yes it still hurts..but i will survive..HEY..if i can survive the hell ive went thru for the past four years..I CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING!!! wE CANT SET THEM FREE..They are sick..not hopeless..but sick none the less!!! hes got to get to were i am on his own..sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! people tried too tell me..WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HIM!! You can do better..what are you thinking?????? But it didnt matter what they saw and what they wanted for me..i had to wake up to it all myself!!! And thank god i did!! Never knew i could be so hurt and feel such hopelessness and shame..for sOOO long..but ive learned the hard way!! You know what..so must he!!! Now its time to take care of me!!! Thanks too you guys..im getting stronger by the day!!! Bless you all...and..MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Freedom1990

I am so glad you are taking care of yourself now, and Merry Christmas to you too! :ghug

prodigal

Merry Christmas and welcome. I'm glad you are free - am I right in assuming you are no longer living with this man? For your sake, and the sake of the children, I certainly hope so!

I was a battered spouse. It got worse. The drinking got worse. And I am so very familiar with the porn addiction that went along with the pot smoking and boozing. I never confronted my exAH about his addictions. The man hit me without any provocation, so I kept my mouth shut, survived, and planned my getaway the last two years I lived with him.

I'm glad you're here. Please keep posting!

imsherrie

HIs habits with alchol were a six pack of mikes hard lemonade and a tall bottle of it as well after work monday thru thursday..and smoke weed every 15 minutes until bed time...friday..three six packs of hard lemonade...tall bottle also...smoke weed until he would finally pass out...then sat. get off work at 2 o clock...drink 4 six packs and smoke weed til passing out..and sunday..wake up and drink all day..weed every 15 to 30 minutes til passing out..FORGET GOING ANYWERE!!!!! To busy getting his drink on too be bothered..and always selfish with the tv!!!.ALWAYS ABOUT HIM!!! EVERYTHING EVOLVED AROUND HIS WANTS...never me and the kids!!!!

imsherrie

NO Prodigal...im outta there!!! 5 weeks now..i know that isnt very long. But its my begining..and the end of the hell i went thru. Thank you for responding!!! Sorry for all you went thru....thank god you survived!!!

prodigal

Please don't be a stranger. You have given yourself and your kids the greatest Christmas gift of all - peace, serenity, quiet. No more insanity. No more abuse.

I hope you stay with us through the new year!

Chrysalis123

Thank you for sharing your story...reading it helped me. Merry Christmas

Spiritual Seeker

Hopefully, you will find your own recovery program to work.
Hopefully you're learning to make better choices and are more available to your kids who also survived those yrs. in an alcoholic home.
May your family heal.

duet_4-8

Just wanted to say hi; we are neighbors. I live just a few miles from *******. Glad you found this place, it is full of awesome people who understand. Stay strong and take care of yourself and your children. There is nothing you can do to change him! Make 2009 the start of a new life for yourself!
(((((hugs)))))))

Reminder

Hi Sherrie:

It's called ego. Alcoholism and drug addiction are forms of egoic thinking and wanting. Unfortunately, most people spend most of their time talking about alcoholism rather than egoic thinking. More importantly, most people see the ego in the addict and find it repulsive, but fail to see what they see in others in themselves.

It took me a long time to realize that my reacting to the drama around me in life was nothing more than my own ego. It's not about ME and MY story, or even ME and MY boundaries. It's about me seeing me and realizing that my ego is not me. It's about me realizing that I am but a servant of my higher power and that he is my lord (May he be exalted and glorified). By exalting my higher power, I will be exalted. By exalting myself, I will be humbled.

Peace.