Do I belong here?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
Do I belong here?
I know this forum is for friends and family of substance abusers. And I know that marijuana is a substance. What I don't know is if it's "bad enough" for me to be here?
In my life, I never viewed it as a horrible drug. However, my husband has become so addicted that it is truly affecting his life. He got fired from his job last week because he got caught smoking on the job. That was the end of it for me. I had already been feeling like I wanted him to stop, but had no "concrete" reasons besides my feelings. He wasn't stealing to get it, he wasn't abusing me or the kids -- in fact it made him a very nice, funny guy.
But when he got fired because he couldn't even wait to get home -- that's it. I'm done with it. I don't want it in my house, and am relieved that I'm not going to have to worry for the next 15 years that my kids will find out about it. I want it gone, out of our lives.
He agreed with me....last week - when I gave him an ultimatum. He was willing to do whatever to make it work. But he's slowly trying to get away with this or that. And last night, after trying to sneak a little from my neighbor, who refused him because of me - he got mad, said he felt like I was his prison guard. We haven't talked since.
In my life, I never viewed it as a horrible drug. However, my husband has become so addicted that it is truly affecting his life. He got fired from his job last week because he got caught smoking on the job. That was the end of it for me. I had already been feeling like I wanted him to stop, but had no "concrete" reasons besides my feelings. He wasn't stealing to get it, he wasn't abusing me or the kids -- in fact it made him a very nice, funny guy.
But when he got fired because he couldn't even wait to get home -- that's it. I'm done with it. I don't want it in my house, and am relieved that I'm not going to have to worry for the next 15 years that my kids will find out about it. I want it gone, out of our lives.
He agreed with me....last week - when I gave him an ultimatum. He was willing to do whatever to make it work. But he's slowly trying to get away with this or that. And last night, after trying to sneak a little from my neighbor, who refused him because of me - he got mad, said he felt like I was his prison guard. We haven't talked since.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I never do get why some feel like pot is the lesser of anything.
I have a 30 year old AD who was a chronic pot smoker for years. She now has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, something you normally see in the elderly. That was just one of many drugs she has abused. I expect emphysema will be next before she's even 40.
My home is alcohol and drug free. I refuse to live like that anymore, period.
:ghug :ghug
I have a 30 year old AD who was a chronic pot smoker for years. She now has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, something you normally see in the elderly. That was just one of many drugs she has abused. I expect emphysema will be next before she's even 40.
My home is alcohol and drug free. I refuse to live like that anymore, period.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Yes your in the right place. Welcome!
Many come here that have family and friends abusing marajuana. Many think it's not that bad (denial). It's an aweful drug. Now that your AH has lost his job, the consequences have shown up. I have a son who was addicted to marajuana, he hasn't been around since Aug due to OOP. But he was at his worst when he wasn't high. So be prepared, your AH may go into rages not having/getting his pot.
You will have to make decisions you thought you would never have to make.
Keep coming, reading and sharing. You will needs lot of support through this.
Blessings,
NH7
Many come here that have family and friends abusing marajuana. Many think it's not that bad (denial). It's an aweful drug. Now that your AH has lost his job, the consequences have shown up. I have a son who was addicted to marajuana, he hasn't been around since Aug due to OOP. But he was at his worst when he wasn't high. So be prepared, your AH may go into rages not having/getting his pot.
You will have to make decisions you thought you would never have to make.
Keep coming, reading and sharing. You will needs lot of support through this.
Blessings,
NH7
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
Thank you for the welcome. Do you have any advice on what my role should be? My first instinct has been to "police" him - but a friend suggested I step back and not worry about it on such a day to day basis. To let him know what the rules are and what the consequence is for smoking. But how do I know if he sneaks it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I see addiction as anything that someone cannot stop doing no matter what effect it has on their life, health or how much it hurts others. This is not just phyically addictive drugs it is anything including gambling, sex, porn, shopping, gaming, etc.
If you love someone that has a habit that is seriously affecting their health your/their finances, emotional stability, family life, marriage then you are dealing with an addict. My AS does not have a physical dependance on a drug - Pot has always been his DOC but he will take whatever he can get get a hold of and is addicted to the escape of the high. He has in effect destroyed his life and made many mistakes that negatively affected this family.
Society seems to view pot as a lesser drug but the bottom line is its illegal. Your children are at risk if you have illegal substances in your home. What effect will it have on them when dad goes to jail? Drug dealers sell pot which also means he's associating with criminals - do they come to your home or are your children ever around them? If your husband gets busted in your home or around your children YOU could loose those children.
Sounds like your kids are young but believe me in a blink of the eye they are teenagers and they analyze every move we make. Your kids will know what's going on long before you think they know and once they know dad does it then it gives them permission to do it as well. Sure your husband may say - we'll its not that big of a deal if they "just" smoke pot. I used to have that naive opinion - now i know differently. The kids who smoke pot are also the ones who try coke, heroin, crack, you name it they do it.
Its time for your husband to put aside his childish ways and be a father and a husband - stop doing things that jeopardize all of your lives. If he doesnt want you to treat him like your his prison guard then he needs to grow up and stop acting like a criminal.
If you love someone that has a habit that is seriously affecting their health your/their finances, emotional stability, family life, marriage then you are dealing with an addict. My AS does not have a physical dependance on a drug - Pot has always been his DOC but he will take whatever he can get get a hold of and is addicted to the escape of the high. He has in effect destroyed his life and made many mistakes that negatively affected this family.
Society seems to view pot as a lesser drug but the bottom line is its illegal. Your children are at risk if you have illegal substances in your home. What effect will it have on them when dad goes to jail? Drug dealers sell pot which also means he's associating with criminals - do they come to your home or are your children ever around them? If your husband gets busted in your home or around your children YOU could loose those children.
Sounds like your kids are young but believe me in a blink of the eye they are teenagers and they analyze every move we make. Your kids will know what's going on long before you think they know and once they know dad does it then it gives them permission to do it as well. Sure your husband may say - we'll its not that big of a deal if they "just" smoke pot. I used to have that naive opinion - now i know differently. The kids who smoke pot are also the ones who try coke, heroin, crack, you name it they do it.
Its time for your husband to put aside his childish ways and be a father and a husband - stop doing things that jeopardize all of your lives. If he doesnt want you to treat him like your his prison guard then he needs to grow up and stop acting like a criminal.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Tmariposa,
Welcome to SR.... You are in the right place!!!!!!!!
As mooselips stated a drug is a drug..
From experiance: Policing him will not work... it will only cause more problems.. You cannot stop another person especially a grown adult from doing what they are going to do. I would set some boundaries for myself and I would stick to them... Not rules for him per say but rules for yourself.. for instance.. You will not tolerate pot in your house or around your children.. if you have consequences, please be prepared to enforce them or else he will not take you serioulsy.
As for knowing whether he is "sneaking" it or not.... if he is going to do it, he is going to do it... although pot does have a very distinctive smell so it is easy to detect..
I know how frustrating this is to you... My AH is trying to stay clean from opiates but he smokes pot every single day... (makes a whole lot of since doesn't it?) My feeling is that he is just as addicted to pot as he was to those pills. He has even not gotten jobs because he has failed a urine test.
Depending on where you live there are marijuana anynomous groups available for people who want to quit smoking pot..
In the meantime, look out for you and your children... Check to see what alanon groups are available to you in your area and go to a meeting..
Hugs
Jen
Welcome to SR.... You are in the right place!!!!!!!!
As mooselips stated a drug is a drug..
Thank you for the welcome. Do you have any advice on what my role should be? My first instinct has been to "police" him - but a friend suggested I step back and not worry about it on such a day to day basis. To let him know what the rules are and what the consequence is for smoking. But how do I know if he sneaks it?
As for knowing whether he is "sneaking" it or not.... if he is going to do it, he is going to do it... although pot does have a very distinctive smell so it is easy to detect..
I know how frustrating this is to you... My AH is trying to stay clean from opiates but he smokes pot every single day... (makes a whole lot of since doesn't it?) My feeling is that he is just as addicted to pot as he was to those pills. He has even not gotten jobs because he has failed a urine test.
Depending on where you live there are marijuana anynomous groups available for people who want to quit smoking pot..
In the meantime, look out for you and your children... Check to see what alanon groups are available to you in your area and go to a meeting..
Hugs
Jen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
So, we haven't spoken since last night. I called him earlier, trying to be mature and talk about it. When he found out that I still feel the same way, he just says "oh, so same bs?" and says bye.
I'm kinda lost as to what to do about it. My first instinct is to just do the silent treatment til he agrees, LOL -- but I know that's not the right way.
I'm kinda lost as to what to do about it. My first instinct is to just do the silent treatment til he agrees, LOL -- but I know that's not the right way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
I agree with Winnie; doesn't matter the substance, device, action, behavior, etc - an addiction is an addiction. When the desire for something is so great, that the mind begins to work on it's own - tossing rationale to the curb - and when it affects an individual in negative ways - or those important to or close to them - then you have an addiction problem.
No - I don't think pot in itself is all that bad. I definitely think alcohol & cigarettes are far worse. Just my opinion. He made a big mistake in getting in trouble & losing his job. Same thing could've happened had he had a beer at lunch, right? So - the degree at which this is a problem is completely relative to the circumstances.
It sounds to me like this is a very dangerous subject for your relationship - and I would ask him if he'd be willing to speak to a counselor or therapist together. Not because of his "drug problem" - but because you two are on very opposite ends of the spectrum. You know very little about pot - he thinks it's no big deal. That's a problem. And I don't believe either of you two are equipped right now to be able to talk, like adults, to one another, and be heard, by one another - and have any idea where the other is coming from.
I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong about their views. Him getting fired from a job is a big problem. Should've been an eye opener at least a little - and it's not. Some people would say "Ugh - I got fired for smoking pot!" and go buy a bag and get stoned for the next 24 hours; others might throw away all the pot they had and lay off it for awhile.
I think there are very philosophical differences in the views of pot - by individuals & society as a whole - and you two need to reach some sort of middle ground on understanding where each is coming from - first - and then working to solve or become comfortable with the differences between you.
No - I don't think pot in itself is all that bad. I definitely think alcohol & cigarettes are far worse. Just my opinion. He made a big mistake in getting in trouble & losing his job. Same thing could've happened had he had a beer at lunch, right? So - the degree at which this is a problem is completely relative to the circumstances.
It sounds to me like this is a very dangerous subject for your relationship - and I would ask him if he'd be willing to speak to a counselor or therapist together. Not because of his "drug problem" - but because you two are on very opposite ends of the spectrum. You know very little about pot - he thinks it's no big deal. That's a problem. And I don't believe either of you two are equipped right now to be able to talk, like adults, to one another, and be heard, by one another - and have any idea where the other is coming from.
I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong about their views. Him getting fired from a job is a big problem. Should've been an eye opener at least a little - and it's not. Some people would say "Ugh - I got fired for smoking pot!" and go buy a bag and get stoned for the next 24 hours; others might throw away all the pot they had and lay off it for awhile.
I think there are very philosophical differences in the views of pot - by individuals & society as a whole - and you two need to reach some sort of middle ground on understanding where each is coming from - first - and then working to solve or become comfortable with the differences between you.
Drunkaholic
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Channelview, TX (Houston)
Posts: 514
he just says "oh, so same bs?" and says bye.
Act however you feel you need to - just try to recognize the techniques users use to get their way -- sometimes they will be very covert and not be obvious.
I also agree with the advice to make rules/limits for yourself. But you have to being willing to act. You might be able to get your bluff called once, but after that he knows you and quickly crafts techniques to get his way.
The point being -- if it ever got so bad enough that you felt you and children can no longer live like you think you should, you should never threaten to leave unless you have worked out your plan.
I also agree you can not tell him what to do. You can only tell him your expectations of what you think a proper home for you and your children should look like. He should have a clear understanding how serious you are, but not in a threatening way.
It should be so clear to him that he knows when he picks up joint it could mean losing everything and not just fading the heat of a nagging wife.
The truth is none of us can truly predict his behavior or advise you what you should do to make the home life you want for you and your family.
What we can do is advise you of the techniques addicts use, and cheer you on that it is OK to have high standards for a home life for you and your children.
I hope your decisions come easy for you, and you have good guy there that will rise to the occasion.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
The only difference with the weed is that it's non-toxic. That means you can't ever poison yourself (overdose) using it.
For some people this equates to being a "safe" drug. No drug is "safe."
There are people addicted to cough syrup, cold medicine, etc. Any of it counts, and being addicted to any is all bad. There's no rating system for pain and suffering.
For some people this equates to being a "safe" drug. No drug is "safe."
There are people addicted to cough syrup, cold medicine, etc. Any of it counts, and being addicted to any is all bad. There's no rating system for pain and suffering.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
No - I don't think pot in itself is all that bad. I definitely think alcohol & cigarettes are far worse. Just my opinion. He made a big mistake in getting in trouble & losing his job. Same thing could've happened had he had a beer at lunch, right? So - the degree at which this is a problem is completely relative to the circumstances
Yeah, her husband made a big mistake by losing his job, and yes the same thing might have happend if he had a beer at lunch but it comes down to this.. being a responsible adult... People who do not have a problem with pot or alcohol do not smoke the stuff on the job or drink during lunch.. why? because they know the consequences far outweigh the little bit of pleasure they may get from it...
Sorry but pot is still a drug.. It is a mood altering substance and impairs your decision making on a lot of levels.. Any addict that is still smoking pot and is trying to get clean from other substances will more then likely relaps...
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome aboard,
Addiction is addiction.
Al-anon teaches us to put our focus where we have some control, on ourselves.
We learn how to make our own life manageable regardless of what the addict is doing.
We learn to have a voice and make the best decisions for our own joy.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Let it begin with you.
Addiction is addiction.
Al-anon teaches us to put our focus where we have some control, on ourselves.
We learn how to make our own life manageable regardless of what the addict is doing.
We learn to have a voice and make the best decisions for our own joy.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Let it begin with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome! Take it from someone who has lived with another with pot addiction for way too long... it does count as a real drug and it does impact your life and everyone else around the addict. My experience would tell me that it alters who the person is and the ability to interact on a mature level. Stand tough and take care of you. Welcome.!
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