inahaze

In the thread I started about verbally abusivive AH's, I realized in one of my responses that I said I wasn't responsible for him.

Hmmmm, I don't think I should have to be responsible for a grown adult of any age.

I used to be responsible for his clothes, his lunches, his soap, making sure he got out of bed on time(regardless of whether I was actually home or not).

I would be responsible for planning the birthday parties, Christmas's, Easter's, and any get together while he was busy drinking.

I was responsble for making sure he got home, got to work, got out of bed, got to the toilet(yeah, nasty).

I was responsible for dinner on the table, dogs being fed, kids going to the doctor, son going to the specialist, surgery appointments.

I was responsible for making sure myself got to work and taking care of me as well in there somewhere.

HE was responsible for going to work. While that is an important task there's so much more. I was told that he worked tons of overtime and was always tired, but there was always time for his fishing, hunting, going out.

It's no wonder he has always stuck to me. No wonder he never minded me coming back after I'd leave.

Now I no longer get him up, do his lunches or iron his clothes. Yes I do the laundry because he's only capable of washing them and piling them up on the couch.

It's also no wonder why we're having issues again now. He's being forced to take SOME responsibility, in addition to his drinking.

He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was doing things that I was supposed to be doing! blah, blah, blah

I think that might be some quacking?

GiveLove

We avoid that in our house by being very clear who owns what, and why.

Vacuuming = him because he feels he does a better job that I do (and he does)
Laundry = both, and we have 'folding parties' with loud music playing because we both hate folding
Waking up = we wake ourselves up, because we're grownups
Lunches = we make our own, because we're grownups
Dishwasher = him, because we split cooking and dishes
Paying bills = me, because I enjoy math
Home repair = generally me, because I'm patient and precise

.....see how that all goes here? We know who does what, and I'm careful to keep things even-steven so I don't feel like I'm doing it all, nor does he feel like he only gets the "man's work" (i.e. the sh** work of garbage, fixing cars, shoveling snow, etc.)

If you're going to stay together, I'd suggest divvying up responsibilities, on paper, like this, so he can see that the lists are even and there's no "should" involved.

A classic codependent thing is to do and do and do and do and do, because of xyz reasons, and then swipe the back of our hand across our forehead and wail, "Oh, I have so much responsibility!" So glad you've decided to take better care of yourself.

Chrysalis123

A great personality trait that I have is that I am responsible and dependable. A bad personality trait that I have is that I am responsible and dependable. I have realized that because of my codependency issues some of my best qualities went totally out of control...such as my responsibility. In my case that quality turned into over responsibility, controlling, resentful etc.

When I compare my young twenty self to my 18 years of increasing sick codependent behavior, I can see a big difference. Now through alanon, therapy, SR I am finding and getting back myself.

blessed4x

Oh how true!! And I now know that I was getting some secondary gain by hearing all of the "supportive" folks in my life say........."OMG, I don't know how you do all that you do!" The tough part for me is letting go of the false sense of control I felt when I was doing it all.