Thanks to all for the warm Welcome-Back
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Thanks to all for the warm Welcome-Back
Thanks so much everyone for the warm welcome back.
Where to begin.....I started drinking again after the birth of my second child...two months ago....and of coarse! immediately I was in trouble. Blackouts are the worse part of it right now. I am not drinking during the day, or while my children are up. I'm not getting into trouble or doing anything that I regret the next day(except for the actual drinking)....and ya..I know...I need to put the word 'yet' on the end of those sentences.
The problem..right now...is wanting so bad to quit and not being able to. It's the same old same old....the majority of the time now, when I'm beating myself up, I just tell myself to stop thinking about it cause no amount of shame/regret is going to stop me, I know that no matter how strong my desire to quit, I will pick up again...it is hopeless and I need to accept this is my life and I just need to make the best of it.
I DON'T WANT TO THINK LIKE THAT! Because things will get worse, I will drink more, I will drink in front of my children, and they will grow up with a drunk mother...just like I did...and just like me...they'll grow up hating their mother.
SO....I am going to try again to quit. The problem is that because I feel so helpless, although I WANT to quit, I have ZERO gumption....I want to quit...but it's like I am out of fuel for 'trying'. Keep in mind I am exhausted from having 2 babies..both are keeping me up at night, both are a lot of work during the day..I feel like a zombie most of the time, therefore I find it hard to muster up the energy to do the simplest of things for myself, so I am finding it hard to gather up that fuel I need to do what I need to do to stay sober. Am I making sense?
Anyways, I'm not in a 'bad place'...yet....but I know it's coming....it always does...I've been trying to get sober for 15 years! I know the whole cycle.
Most likely most of you will advise AA...I'm giving it some serious thought....it's just I've been down that road before...several times and that doesn't keep me sober either.
Enough for now.
Thanks for listening and thanks for welcoming me back to warmly. Hello to all my friends here, I look forward to catching up with everyone.
Tay.
Where to begin.....I started drinking again after the birth of my second child...two months ago....and of coarse! immediately I was in trouble. Blackouts are the worse part of it right now. I am not drinking during the day, or while my children are up. I'm not getting into trouble or doing anything that I regret the next day(except for the actual drinking)....and ya..I know...I need to put the word 'yet' on the end of those sentences.
The problem..right now...is wanting so bad to quit and not being able to. It's the same old same old....the majority of the time now, when I'm beating myself up, I just tell myself to stop thinking about it cause no amount of shame/regret is going to stop me, I know that no matter how strong my desire to quit, I will pick up again...it is hopeless and I need to accept this is my life and I just need to make the best of it.
I DON'T WANT TO THINK LIKE THAT! Because things will get worse, I will drink more, I will drink in front of my children, and they will grow up with a drunk mother...just like I did...and just like me...they'll grow up hating their mother.
SO....I am going to try again to quit. The problem is that because I feel so helpless, although I WANT to quit, I have ZERO gumption....I want to quit...but it's like I am out of fuel for 'trying'. Keep in mind I am exhausted from having 2 babies..both are keeping me up at night, both are a lot of work during the day..I feel like a zombie most of the time, therefore I find it hard to muster up the energy to do the simplest of things for myself, so I am finding it hard to gather up that fuel I need to do what I need to do to stay sober. Am I making sense?
Anyways, I'm not in a 'bad place'...yet....but I know it's coming....it always does...I've been trying to get sober for 15 years! I know the whole cycle.
Most likely most of you will advise AA...I'm giving it some serious thought....it's just I've been down that road before...several times and that doesn't keep me sober either.
Enough for now.
Thanks for listening and thanks for welcoming me back to warmly. Hello to all my friends here, I look forward to catching up with everyone.
Tay.
Drunkaholic
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Channelview, TX (Houston)
Posts: 514
I'm glad you're back and taking another run at it. That's all we can do.
Keep doing what you are doing by focusing on the many reasons why it makes so much sense for you stay sober.
Keep doing what you are doing by focusing on the many reasons why it makes so much sense for you stay sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Hi Tay,
I am glad you found your way back here. I understand you are exhausted. I felt like I was exhausted when I began recovery too. I had been holding onto my little world, so tightly, with both hands, I was so, so tired. Somehow, being in that position, helped to realize that I had no choice. I couldn't go on the way I had been.
You have the choice to do things differently than your mother did. You can do the right thing and give your kids a sober mom and give yourself a sober life. But, you need to want to do it, more than anything else.
I am glad you found your way back here. I understand you are exhausted. I felt like I was exhausted when I began recovery too. I had been holding onto my little world, so tightly, with both hands, I was so, so tired. Somehow, being in that position, helped to realize that I had no choice. I couldn't go on the way I had been.
You have the choice to do things differently than your mother did. You can do the right thing and give your kids a sober mom and give yourself a sober life. But, you need to want to do it, more than anything else.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Anna is a smart woman. Read her post carefully. 
I know what it's like to be exhausted. I know what it's like to have ZERO motivation. I know how hard it is to WANT to try... to do ANYTHING, much less something that part of you really doesn't want to do. But you must want it, at least on SOME level, or you wouldn't be here! Go with that. Cling to whatever small strings you can.
One day, one hour, one breath at a time. Look at those beautiful, sweet babies of yours. REALLY look at them. Look into their eyes and see their hearts, their minds, their futures. You have the power to help shape those hearts, minds, and futures. Use that power very, very wisely.
Best wishes to you.
I know what it's like to be exhausted. I know what it's like to have ZERO motivation. I know how hard it is to WANT to try... to do ANYTHING, much less something that part of you really doesn't want to do. But you must want it, at least on SOME level, or you wouldn't be here! Go with that. Cling to whatever small strings you can.
One day, one hour, one breath at a time. Look at those beautiful, sweet babies of yours. REALLY look at them. Look into their eyes and see their hearts, their minds, their futures. You have the power to help shape those hearts, minds, and futures. Use that power very, very wisely.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 213
Tay-lyn
I have come to a truce with the whole "Ill never make it..I'll drink again, so whats the point" frame of mind. I no longer fight the thought..its there ...always. Always theres a voice in my head telling me I'm doomed to failure...it always diminishes my achievements...always minimizes my small measures of success...always steals any true appreciation and gratitude for anything....ALWAYS. It provides a running commentary of derision and ridicule constantly...it never stops. It talks to me like a lover..seducing me...offering me ever sweeter visions of how it can be different this time...how the past was simply plans that went awry, or somebody elses fault, or I was the victim of circumstance...always telling me that all I have to do is figure it out and I can do it...and I can drink again. It tells me I deserve it...it tells me I've earned it...it tells me I want it...It tells me I need it. I dream about it...I fantasize about it. It tells me everything in life that brings pleasure is somehown les than complete without it...music, food , sex, conversation, art...it insists all these are better with than without. It breeds resentment, jealousy, rage, self-pity, lethargy, anxiety, depression...and promises to relieve me of all these things if only I pick up the drink...it tells me nothing and no one understands the real me like it does...it tells me trust no one and always have an exit plan...
And you know what...I don't fight it . On bad days I believe everything it says...and let it take me all the way down...BUT...I don't drink...no matter what...That voice...call it my disease...whatever....is a F****** LIAR....A M*****F****** LIAR....and for some reason...this time...I finally see that.
My conservative Christian friends tell me....and they mean it....that the voice is evil and the power behind it is evil....I don't know if it is or isnt...I just know that its my actions that will determine if I'm sober today or not. And as long as I don't physically pick up that drink and swallow that liquid...all that lying b**** can do is talk. And talk isnt getting a DUI today and talk isnt hurting my children....and talk won't kill me today
And you know what...I don't fight it . On bad days I believe everything it says...and let it take me all the way down...BUT...I don't drink...no matter what...That voice...call it my disease...whatever....is a F****** LIAR....A M*****F****** LIAR....and for some reason...this time...I finally see that.
My conservative Christian friends tell me....and they mean it....that the voice is evil and the power behind it is evil....I don't know if it is or isnt...I just know that its my actions that will determine if I'm sober today or not. And as long as I don't physically pick up that drink and swallow that liquid...all that lying b**** can do is talk. And talk isnt getting a DUI today and talk isnt hurting my children....and talk won't kill me today
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Anna; as usual....you give awesome feedback...reading your post reminds me of myself, you really mirror my feelings, I know you can relate!
And tryingsohard: Wow, your post really moved my heart..I actually felt it skip a beat when I read your words...thanks for the input.
And tryingsohard: Wow, your post really moved my heart..I actually felt it skip a beat when I read your words...thanks for the input.
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Wow Rob; At first I was going to quote a line or two from your post, pointing out how much I can relate to what you're saying, but then as I read on, I realized that EVERY WORD you wrote came from my own heart/head.....I know exactly what you mean, I feel exactly the same way. I guess the point is, I shouldn't fight the thoughts of how hopeless I am when I'm drinking....I seem to waste a lot of energy doing that...instead I can accept them and live with them and NOT pick up....cause really, those thoughts are right....when I'm drinking...things are hopeless...there's no hope in drinking....there is hope though for sobriety. Having those thoughts doesn't have to doom me to drinking...
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
It's terrible cause I want to quit being 'that drunk' but I don't want to quit drinking. Like Rob said, I keep convincing myself that getting as drunk as I do is simply a plan gone awry....it's always 'something else' that interferred with my drinking and made things turn out the way they did.
Just as importantly, when things 'go fine' with my drinking...the blackouts! I wake up and CAN'T believe I don't remember the night before even when I haven't drank 'as much' as I do. That really scares me, I wonder if there are long term effects from having blackouts...I've had a bazillion over my drinking life.
Just as importantly, when things 'go fine' with my drinking...the blackouts! I wake up and CAN'T believe I don't remember the night before even when I haven't drank 'as much' as I do. That really scares me, I wonder if there are long term effects from having blackouts...I've had a bazillion over my drinking life.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Blackouts are probably my #1 motivation in not drinking again. Well, blackouts and all the lovely emotions like self-loathing, shame, resentment, and fear. Those might be tied for first place, as they kind of go hand in hand.
The last time I drank I blacked out in front of my entire family, while cooking dinner. 6 p.m. - 8:30 pm. just... *poof* gone. I have no idea how dinner got served. I don't know if I ate or not. I have no idea what I said in front of - or to - my children. I remember standing at the stove, stirring, and then I remember standing in my bedroom, having my husband tell me that our 5 year old was just about inconsolable because it was his bedtime and I wasn't coming to sing to him like I do every night.
The thought of what happened during those 2 1/2 hours still haunts me each and every day. I don't want to know, yet it makes me sick to my stomach that I can't remember.
I don't EVER want to do that again. EVER.
The last time I drank I blacked out in front of my entire family, while cooking dinner. 6 p.m. - 8:30 pm. just... *poof* gone. I have no idea how dinner got served. I don't know if I ate or not. I have no idea what I said in front of - or to - my children. I remember standing at the stove, stirring, and then I remember standing in my bedroom, having my husband tell me that our 5 year old was just about inconsolable because it was his bedtime and I wasn't coming to sing to him like I do every night.
The thought of what happened during those 2 1/2 hours still haunts me each and every day. I don't want to know, yet it makes me sick to my stomach that I can't remember.
I don't EVER want to do that again. EVER.
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Trying; Boy, do I know what you mean about wanting to know, but not wanting to know. That blackout you described is what happens to me 99% of the time when I'm drinking...complete periods of time TOTALLY gone! I too say that is one of the biggest reasons I want to quit....blackouts happen with less and less alcohol these days. Thanks so much for sharing, it really helps to solidify my own reasons for quitting, I know from experience that if I haven't hit a bottom, it takes a LOT of support to quit before I DO hit a bottom....which is always around the corner!
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
I didn't hit a "bottom" either... but let's think of it this way:
If we think it takes a lot of support to quit BEFORE we hit bottom, how much support will we need AFTER we hit bottom?!? And how likely is it that the people willing to support us NOW will be willing to support us THEN?
Just a thought I have from time to time to keep me in check.
If we think it takes a lot of support to quit BEFORE we hit bottom, how much support will we need AFTER we hit bottom?!? And how likely is it that the people willing to support us NOW will be willing to support us THEN?
Just a thought I have from time to time to keep me in check.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Can
Posts: 79
Hi Tay-Lyn,
I'm from Ontario Canada also. If AA doesn't work for you, there are other options to explore.
The url below is a listing for addiction treatment options for the entire province of Ontario:
The Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment
You can search by your location:
Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment - Online Treatment Directory
Or call the toll-free number 1-800-565-8603.
Hang in there!
I'm from Ontario Canada also. If AA doesn't work for you, there are other options to explore.
The url below is a listing for addiction treatment options for the entire province of Ontario:
The Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment
You can search by your location:
Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment - Online Treatment Directory
Or call the toll-free number 1-800-565-8603.
Hang in there!
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
If we were all to get together and describe our bottoms everyone one of us would tell a different story ranging from occasional black out drinking and shame to running over and killing a mother and her two children while drinking and driving. Our stories and "yets" may be different but there is one thing our bottoms all have in common. We may not even know it at the time or actually say it to ourselves but our bottom is simply when we, when I can no longer accept my life the way it is.
That is why we have different bottoms. It doesn't take as much for some of us to reach that point of acceptance and it is acceptance, some of us never get there and die drunk. You have posted two threads here since coming back and in both you have said you want to quit but you can't. Your exactly right you can't, accept the truth of what you have said here. You are powerless over it, you will drink again. That is step one. You are powerless over alcohol.
You were right when you said someone would bring up
AA .
Your life isn't that bad and yet you can't stop drinking. It doesn't matter how hard you try to stop, how hard you fight it you can't. All the reasons in the world aren't enough. Were alcohol is concerned you are in quicksand. You can't fight it alone you need help. This is a situation when you must trust complete reliance to something other then yourself. Your part is to listen, follow directions precisely and hold on.
Welcome home Tay, now stop holding on that monster that is killing you and let us help you stay sober. You never have to drink again.
That is why we have different bottoms. It doesn't take as much for some of us to reach that point of acceptance and it is acceptance, some of us never get there and die drunk. You have posted two threads here since coming back and in both you have said you want to quit but you can't. Your exactly right you can't, accept the truth of what you have said here. You are powerless over it, you will drink again. That is step one. You are powerless over alcohol.
You were right when you said someone would bring up
AA .Your life isn't that bad and yet you can't stop drinking. It doesn't matter how hard you try to stop, how hard you fight it you can't. All the reasons in the world aren't enough. Were alcohol is concerned you are in quicksand. You can't fight it alone you need help. This is a situation when you must trust complete reliance to something other then yourself. Your part is to listen, follow directions precisely and hold on.
Welcome home Tay, now stop holding on that monster that is killing you and let us help you stay sober. You never have to drink again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
I believe that when you start having regular blackouts you are at the stage where you are really damaging your brain.
Right now I am just not drinking one day at a time, I am about two weeks sober, today I don't even want to drink but yesterday and the day before I did. I kept reminding myself of the physical and mental anguish it causes me and got through it though. I even promised myself I could drink tomorrow if I got through today, if I keep promising that I will never drink, cos it is always today, tomorrow never comes, lol.
I am glad you are back Tay.
Right now I am just not drinking one day at a time, I am about two weeks sober, today I don't even want to drink but yesterday and the day before I did. I kept reminding myself of the physical and mental anguish it causes me and got through it though. I even promised myself I could drink tomorrow if I got through today, if I keep promising that I will never drink, cos it is always today, tomorrow never comes, lol.
I am glad you are back Tay.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central California
Posts: 246
Dean62, I agree with everything you said 100%. Please listen to him Tay and take his advice. I was once in the same place you are in....I wanted so much to quit drinking, but just couldn't do it on my own. It was only after I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and turned it over to my Higher Power (for me that is God) that I was able to stop drinking. You can do it, Tay. Sending prayers your way. Grateful Heart.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,575
I've missed your posts Tay & been wondering what was going on. It's a triumph that you came back. It took alot of strength to come here and explain. I know you're going to make it out of this.
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Ok...full of tears from all the wonderful posts you guys have sent me...Dean...it's good to see you again, and thanks so much for the GREAT words.
The struggle right now is that I feel LESS inclined to stop drinking than I ever have. It's like there's something missing inside. Usually I WANT to stop and DESIRE to stop..hard to explain. It was like I KNEW I wanted to stop and I FELT like stopping. But this time is different...I guess it's the hopelessness. I have never before experienced feelings of hopelessness. Over the last 15 years of trying to get sober....and sidenote..my blackouts started with the first drink I took 25 years ago...anyways...Over the past 15 years of trying to quit, I always felt something deep inside of me that strongly wanted to quit. This time I don't FEEL anything...I just want....does that make any sense? Can anyone understand what I mean...it's just like losing the baby weight...I WANT so desperately to be skinny again...but I want that chocolate bar more so I eat it. I guess that sounds like I want my booze more than I want sobriety? But that isn't so....it is so hard to explain...I guess that's the addiction part of it. As for the hopelessness...never before have I felt these feelings. Maybe it's being so exhausted that makes me feel hopeless, it's like I have no 'TRY' left inside of me. This is the first time I am 'scared'. All the times before I knew I could quit if I put my mind to it, this time I don't think I can do it. It scares me because it has always been.....'if this happens, I'll quit...and of coarse 'this' always happened and I kept drinking...but I always SWORE that if I could have a child I would FOR SURE quit...(remember we tried fertility for over 10 years, spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant)..and now I have two beautiful babies and what do you think I'm doing? Yip....drinking....that is what scares me, the ONE thing I always KNEW would stop me from drinking would be having children..how wrong was I!
I want to say that I know all the good things you guys are going to say about hanging in there and I welcome all your words of support and wisdom....please remember when you read my posts here that I am grappling with this all over again....so it isnt' that I'm igonoring your words and then having a pity party for myself...I'm just really needing to get things off my chest.
The struggle right now is that I feel LESS inclined to stop drinking than I ever have. It's like there's something missing inside. Usually I WANT to stop and DESIRE to stop..hard to explain. It was like I KNEW I wanted to stop and I FELT like stopping. But this time is different...I guess it's the hopelessness. I have never before experienced feelings of hopelessness. Over the last 15 years of trying to get sober....and sidenote..my blackouts started with the first drink I took 25 years ago...anyways...Over the past 15 years of trying to quit, I always felt something deep inside of me that strongly wanted to quit. This time I don't FEEL anything...I just want....does that make any sense? Can anyone understand what I mean...it's just like losing the baby weight...I WANT so desperately to be skinny again...but I want that chocolate bar more so I eat it. I guess that sounds like I want my booze more than I want sobriety? But that isn't so....it is so hard to explain...I guess that's the addiction part of it. As for the hopelessness...never before have I felt these feelings. Maybe it's being so exhausted that makes me feel hopeless, it's like I have no 'TRY' left inside of me. This is the first time I am 'scared'. All the times before I knew I could quit if I put my mind to it, this time I don't think I can do it. It scares me because it has always been.....'if this happens, I'll quit...and of coarse 'this' always happened and I kept drinking...but I always SWORE that if I could have a child I would FOR SURE quit...(remember we tried fertility for over 10 years, spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant)..and now I have two beautiful babies and what do you think I'm doing? Yip....drinking....that is what scares me, the ONE thing I always KNEW would stop me from drinking would be having children..how wrong was I!
I want to say that I know all the good things you guys are going to say about hanging in there and I welcome all your words of support and wisdom....please remember when you read my posts here that I am grappling with this all over again....so it isnt' that I'm igonoring your words and then having a pity party for myself...I'm just really needing to get things off my chest.
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