questionsofmine

Any lingering doubts I had about whether my husband is an alcoholic have subsided, especially after all the hidden alcohol I just recently found. However, as much as I would like to leave I have one big problem -- my children. They are only one and five. My concern is that I would have a really hard time proving he has a problem. He is highly functional and everyone seems to think he is the absolutely, nicest guy in the world. How to a prove that he has a drinking problem? I wouldn't want to keep him from seeing his children, but I would want to ensure that they are safe in his care. Since he has already shown he will not abide by his promises to refrain from drinking when he was supposed to watch them, I have no doubt that he would continue to do this even with a court order to not drink when they are visiting with him. From my research and conversations with those experienced on the legal side of things, in order to get supervised visitation he would have had to really screw up, i.e. DUI, especially with the kids in the care --- this has not happened...yet. So has anyone been in this situation? How do you get the proof that there is a problem? Or do you just stay until the kids get older as at least under the current situation you have more control over watching the children -- at this point I do not leave them alone with him. If I need to go out, I hire a sitter, even if he is there. Any advice? I'm feeling a bit trapped. I should add that I realize it isn't great for them to be growing up with a father who is an active alcoholic, however, "lucky for us" (note the sarcasm), most of his drinking is done after we all go to bed. Thanks for the input. This site has been invaluable to me. Its so nice to feel less isolated.

LucyA

Document every single incident, whether it involves your children or not. Dates, times and facts nothing else. I did that for a slightly different reason, I wanted to get my nephew away from my brother and safe. Having all the facts together, backed up with police report numbers, social workers I spoke to etc has really helped.

Good luck questions, look after you as well as those babies.

ToughChoices

Hello, questionsofmine!
Welcome to the forum - I'm glad you're here!

I, too, have a small child (he's 4) and an alcoholic husband, so I understand your confusion and frustration.

Have you spoken with an attorney yet?
I "heard" a lot of things about child custody and alcoholism that had me very concerned, but many of those fears were put to rest when I sought legal counsel.

When I decided to separate I got a temporary order of custody. It didn't prevent DS from seeing his dad - it simply put the "conditions" of their visit temporarily in my power, while the legal ball got rolling. I was able to make sure that DS was safe.

Today we are living apart from my husband and doing very well. My son still has an good relationship with his father, and he is never around AH's drinking.

If you want to leave, you can do it!
It was hard, but my life improved exponentially when I got out of the chaos. And my son is finally sleeping through the night again, in his own bed.

-TC

stillsearching

I too got sole custody and only supervised visitation for our 10 yr old daughter. He needs to prove a good length of sobriety before this order would even ben changed. I too didn't want to keep him from her or her from him, but will not have him around at all when he was drinking. He is now working on staying sober, which is good for both of them, but I think 6 months is a good starting point.

I documented everything and also took pictures of him passed out and his stash of empty whiskey bottles he kept in his trunk. He also got arrested for OWI and has been in detox twice in the last three months.

I also told him that I would work things out as far as other things in the divorce, but would not budge on the custody issue, he knew he would'nt get anywhere.

I think the best thing is to document and take pictures, I know it sounds sneaky, but we have to protect our children, the damage the alcoholic causes to them is far to great not too...best of luck!

Startingover2

I just went thru this. I have a 9 month old baby and got sole custody. Exah has supervised visits in my home. He just lost his license for a dui. There will be a time probably in a year where he will take me back to court for unsupervised time with baby. I am documenting everything! I feel the same as you. I am petrified of him taking her and her being safe. He said he is done drinking but I don't believe it. He just doesn't do it in public anymore.

From the advice I have gotten...document everything. Take pictures.

If he drinks and drives..turn him in. Call 911. I did. It has been hell for me, but its on a public record what he has done as well as maybe save his life and innocent people.

HoopNinja

One of my friends filed for divorce right after her husband got pulled over for a DWI and had there 3 kids in the car with him!! She had to go pick them up because she was at work. It seems extreme that someone should have to wait until their children are endangered by their alcoholic father before their mother can get custody and placement. I agree, document everything. I am having similar problems with my AH but he is also verbally abusive when he drinks/gets high. Someone recommended recording him. . .which is not a bad idea. Pictures are a good idea. I have pictures of one of my AH's "friends" handy work at our house after AH had to fire him and some other guys because his boss told him too. AH had gotten high with him and had all the goods to get him fired--instead he came to our house because he was so angry he got fired and left papers and dope sitting outside our front door. I photgraphed everything. Also, if you husband has stuff stashed photgraph that too.
Given all of this I still get nervous that once I file that he will somehow get 50/50 placement with the kids. It seems unlikely but I live in a state where it is 50?50 all around and I will have to show cause why it should not be that way and it will be his word against mine. Also, once that happens the cost if the divorce will go up because a guardien ad litem will be appointed.
Have you confronted AH with all of this? Would he be agreeable to a divorce and you having full custody/placment of the kids? Talk to a lawyer.
Can you just take the children and move out? Do you have someplace to go?

Daisy30

Do you have neighbors or friends who may have noticed changes in him?

I thought noone could see but me wht was going on with my AH. TURNS out I was WRONG!

My neighbor told me some stories that just blew me away!!! and these were about things that happened 6 months-1yr. ago. I had no idea!

So there may be other people out there that know...but they just don't want to say anything.

Barbara52

Consult with an attorney and gets the facts for your particular situation. Anything else is speculation and doesn't really help you know what to do.