Daisy30

AH's brother called me today to let me know the times for Christmas at his house and such. Then he asks me about the family vacation for this summer.

Our families always go on vacation together in the summer AH's brother and fam. his folks, our fam, and last year my sil's parents and my mom too. SIL makes the arrangements etc.. He said they were wanted to get the flights booked and wanted me to check and see if my mom wanted to go again etc..

MAN! How do I say it to him. I cannot commit to a family vacation right now! I have one foot out the door. Don't get me wrong I still feel there is a chance for my marriage, BUT a LOT would have to happen first!

Part of me wants to call him and tell him we cannot commit and explain exactly WHY and what is going on in the marriage (ie. my planning to seperate, AH "problem" etc.) I almost want him to know??

but I dunno if it is my place? I mean I am going to have to tell him something soon...the trip needs to be booked and I can't predict where the marriage will be 6 months from now!...ahhhh

blessed4x

It sounds like you and I are alike in that we are the planners. I have always been the one to set up the calendar, make the arrangements, taxi the kids. I'm the go-to person for all of the "event planning".

Did it ever strike you as funny that your husbands own brother is calling you instead of him? Are you able to talk with your AH about how you should handle it, or is he as far in denial as mine? Maybe you could wait to get through Christmas before breaking the news that this might be a year you will sit it out.

(((hugs))) and prayers. And if you do decide to share what's going on you may be surprised that it really isn't as big of a secret as you think.

Daisy30

I do find it funny! His bro. started the conversation like, "I 'm not sure if AH discusssed this with you or not, but I wanted to let you know...". It is pretty obvious there is little communication going on in our house.

Yah he is pretty far in denial...so while I could talk to him about it I don't think it would do much good. I am pretty sure he doesn't believe we are seperating (even though I have told him quite a few times).

I may wait until after Christmas as to not make things too awkward? It will be hard enough seeing MIL for the first time since I called her about AH's out of control behavior last week.....but that's a whole other story

catlovermi

Whenever I agonize over what or how to reply, if I take a step back and look from a bird's eye view, I usually find my difficulty is because I'm trying to negotiate a way to be dishonest with myself. I'm trying to find a way to say something that I think will be ok for them to hear, but is not in truth ok for me to say, because it goes against my inner truth. In essence, I'm trying to avoid some external or internal conflict by negotiating my way out of my own truth.

I've learned in recovery that it's easier in the long run to pay the price up front. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. Then, there's no confusing, messy clean-up work, later.

CLMI

Barbara52

Personally I would say that I had big doubts that any family trips are going to happen in the next year and would explain why. I, as the spouse of the A, have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.