Not doing well at all...
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Not doing well at all...
Well I thought i could be strong when ab moved back to his home state and "promised" us he would set things up...I know now what a fool I've been for ever hoping for any true good to be done on his end..his myspace is filled with trashy young women and he isn't contacting me at all on a normal basis. My situation is dire as I am living with my parents and my bro and his girl all squished in a house where I can't stand it. My mom is controlling my dad is abrasive and I have a little girl to take care of. I wrecked my car and am waiting to see how much the damage will cost and I am scared I won't have enough to ever move out...I teach but it isn't enough to pay everything...I am so scared. I feel alone and desperate and he was the only person who made promises of getting us out of the situation he put me in. I know now that he isn't living with his parents he moved in with some friends and they use too. I don't see him having any future with us but I was holding out to be "saved" from my situation. He is cheating, using and lying and not sending any money to help us. It just isn't fair...Why am I the one punished...I can't even afford to eat out yet he eats out all the time? I don't understand when my life will start going in a good direction? I love my baby girl and she is the only thing I do love but I just can't figure out why I have to be punished? I was so sick this weekend with a stomach bug and all I kept thinking is why isnt he here to help like he promised? Apparently he has moved on if he has all these girls on his page and apparently hes not trying to help us because he would have offered something from his check for me and her even something for daycare bills? If he has time to play on myspace and chat and add and he's ignoring me I guess there really is no hope right? Help I am so sad and lonely and I thought I could do this but i am so scared...
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
hI Whereami,
Im sorry you're feeling so sad. Its not a nice place to be feeling hopeless. I use to say those things too. "why is this happening to me and its not fair". Until one day I realized I had to make "promises" to myself and not rely on people that couldnt be there for me.
I know that when things seem hard to move away from or other people are putting us down, its difficult to see the future. But you can do it girl. What I did was write down the things I didnt want in my life and the things I wanted in my life. As hard as it was, I have done it, slowly. I focussed on me and my future for a change and its amazing what you can do when you focus. I would ask myself "whats the worse thing that could happen to me, if I said - no thanks. The answer, the freedom to become myself and succeed in what I want.
I wish you well, try focussing on positive things that you want a little step at a time.
Justjo
Im sorry you're feeling so sad. Its not a nice place to be feeling hopeless. I use to say those things too. "why is this happening to me and its not fair". Until one day I realized I had to make "promises" to myself and not rely on people that couldnt be there for me.
I know that when things seem hard to move away from or other people are putting us down, its difficult to see the future. But you can do it girl. What I did was write down the things I didnt want in my life and the things I wanted in my life. As hard as it was, I have done it, slowly. I focussed on me and my future for a change and its amazing what you can do when you focus. I would ask myself "whats the worse thing that could happen to me, if I said - no thanks. The answer, the freedom to become myself and succeed in what I want.
I wish you well, try focussing on positive things that you want a little step at a time.
Justjo
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First, get to family court, or welfare and FILE for Child Support. Doesn't matter that he is not in your state, file it in your state first, then it can also be put on record in the state he is in.
You may not actually see any money right now, however, if he should get his 'act together' he will still have the consequences of his actions to take care of.
You are correct, it is not right or fair, however, over these many years of living I have found that 'life' is not always fair.
So.....................................what I had to do for me was stop wasting energy on complaining (don't mean this harshly, speaking of myself here) and start expending that same energy on things I COULD DO to better the particular situation at the moment.
Ie being grateful for what I did have at the moment, a roof over my head, food in the frig, hot and cold running water and heat, etc I think all 'moms' myself included are 'controlling' to a degree, lmao ................
When I am feeling down I become very negative and seem to find the negative in others. When I make a point of looking for something POSITIVE in another then the other person doesn't 'grate' on me so much.
In the meantime, as I know things will look up for you, please keep posting here and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
You may not actually see any money right now, however, if he should get his 'act together' he will still have the consequences of his actions to take care of.
You are correct, it is not right or fair, however, over these many years of living I have found that 'life' is not always fair.
So.....................................what I had to do for me was stop wasting energy on complaining (don't mean this harshly, speaking of myself here) and start expending that same energy on things I COULD DO to better the particular situation at the moment.
Ie being grateful for what I did have at the moment, a roof over my head, food in the frig, hot and cold running water and heat, etc I think all 'moms' myself included are 'controlling' to a degree, lmao ................
When I am feeling down I become very negative and seem to find the negative in others. When I make a point of looking for something POSITIVE in another then the other person doesn't 'grate' on me so much.
In the meantime, as I know things will look up for you, please keep posting here and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Ok I will try...I am thankful for my lil girl and the warm roof and the food...I am trying not to dwell...I am just so bitter towards him for doing what he wants and being selfish...where is the retribution for his sins?
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I promise to give my little girl everything she needs, I promise to work hard and provide for us, I promise to hug and kiss her and tell her i love her everytime I think of it and smile for her through the tears...and I promise to give myself a chance to love again someday...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I don't know if it's retribution for sins, however, someday he will have to meet the consequences of his actions.
What goes around does come around, I am living proof of that.
Exactly right, take care of that little girl, and please enjoy her, they grow up so so fast!!!!
The bitterness and resentments agains him will only make you bitter. He will get what is coming to him sometime.
There is a line in "The Lord's Prayer" "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." When I finally figured out the true meaning of this sentence, with the help of Emmet Fox, I realized I was asking HP to forgive me in the same way I forgive others. Ut Oh some changing on my part needed doing on that one, lol
So................................please keep looking forward...................you can't change what happened yesterday, only prevent it from happening again.
You can do this, I know you can!!!
Love and hugs,
What goes around does come around, I am living proof of that.
Exactly right, take care of that little girl, and please enjoy her, they grow up so so fast!!!!
The bitterness and resentments agains him will only make you bitter. He will get what is coming to him sometime.
There is a line in "The Lord's Prayer" "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." When I finally figured out the true meaning of this sentence, with the help of Emmet Fox, I realized I was asking HP to forgive me in the same way I forgive others. Ut Oh some changing on my part needed doing on that one, lol
So................................please keep looking forward...................you can't change what happened yesterday, only prevent it from happening again.
You can do this, I know you can!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Where is the retribution you ask? You may never know but TRUST me when I say this. What comes around goes around. You don't think he is gonna be able to live this type of life forever and never have to suffer consequences from that?
Lets face it most addicts out there QUIT because the consequences from using/drinking are greater then the consequence of not. I know you are hurting and I know that you want him to PAY for YOUR suffering but you need to let that go....Really truly let that go. For his day will come. Worry about you and your baby. That is the only thing you can control TODAY.
In the beginning it is always easy to say that they are out there having a GREAT life and living life to the fullest. But step back and look at that really look at it.
IF their life was so great why do they continue to destroy themselves with drugs/alcohol?
Any recovering addict will tell you the same thing over and over. Their HAPPINESS is an ILLUSION. What they "think" is making them happy is really killing them. Imagine everyday you have to numb yourself so that you dont feel the pain that each one of us is living today. Sure on the surface it seems like a good idea. PAIN HURTS. But the ONLY way through pain is to experience it. NO MATTER HOW BAD THAT PAIN IS.
Know that with this pain and suffering a blessing is getting ready to be birthed into your life. Know that all of this pain will end. Not today and probably not tomorrow but with each passing day it will get better and better.
I pray for you and your little girl...Keep reading and posting. There is strength in numbers.
Lets face it most addicts out there QUIT because the consequences from using/drinking are greater then the consequence of not. I know you are hurting and I know that you want him to PAY for YOUR suffering but you need to let that go....Really truly let that go. For his day will come. Worry about you and your baby. That is the only thing you can control TODAY.
In the beginning it is always easy to say that they are out there having a GREAT life and living life to the fullest. But step back and look at that really look at it.
IF their life was so great why do they continue to destroy themselves with drugs/alcohol?
Any recovering addict will tell you the same thing over and over. Their HAPPINESS is an ILLUSION. What they "think" is making them happy is really killing them. Imagine everyday you have to numb yourself so that you dont feel the pain that each one of us is living today. Sure on the surface it seems like a good idea. PAIN HURTS. But the ONLY way through pain is to experience it. NO MATTER HOW BAD THAT PAIN IS.
Know that with this pain and suffering a blessing is getting ready to be birthed into your life. Know that all of this pain will end. Not today and probably not tomorrow but with each passing day it will get better and better.
I pray for you and your little girl...Keep reading and posting. There is strength in numbers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
I was in this exact situation (minus the child) about three years ago. I moved back into my crazy parent’s house, while my boyfriend moved far out of state to “get things set up for us”. He was never the one to initiate contact, and he always needed money. Meanwhile I was living in my parent’s basement living room and working six days a week to save money to move down to him. All of this was a complete blessing in disguise. Being so far away from my abuser made it easier to make the final break from him. Not to say it was simple, but after months I had had enough. I read some books on abuse recovery, and left him. I was scared and sad. I would cry at night for weeks because I felt so alone. As time went on, and the more things I did to re-make my life, the better I felt. No one can stop the cycle of abuse but you. I am sure you and your child deserve better (and a better man when the time is right).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
whereami,
Because something inside you still thinks he's going to swing out there on a white horse and save you from your life, from your pain, and from the choices that have been made.
I wish it were that simple -- honest, I do.
If you call him, you will be set back. Even if you've only taken a few tiny baby steps since his departure, you will get knocked back to square one.
He is not doing this "TO" you. He is just doing it. You're pouring a lot of energy into either begging for him to come back or punishing him, and neither is moving you any closer to happiness.
Do you have a checking account? Have you started saving a little bit each week to help you escape from your situation? Have you investigated the cost of other places to live (perhaps sharing a house with another single mom?) Have you filed for child support yet?
These and dozens of other, small, powerful steps toward progress will eventually allow you to flex your emotional muscle and get a life you want.
Calling him does nothing for him, nothing for you, nothing for your child.
Hugs and strength to you, to take the next steps toward REAL happiness, not the fake substitute.
GL
Because something inside you still thinks he's going to swing out there on a white horse and save you from your life, from your pain, and from the choices that have been made.
I wish it were that simple -- honest, I do.
If you call him, you will be set back. Even if you've only taken a few tiny baby steps since his departure, you will get knocked back to square one.
He is not doing this "TO" you. He is just doing it. You're pouring a lot of energy into either begging for him to come back or punishing him, and neither is moving you any closer to happiness.
Do you have a checking account? Have you started saving a little bit each week to help you escape from your situation? Have you investigated the cost of other places to live (perhaps sharing a house with another single mom?) Have you filed for child support yet?
These and dozens of other, small, powerful steps toward progress will eventually allow you to flex your emotional muscle and get a life you want.
Calling him does nothing for him, nothing for you, nothing for your child.
Hugs and strength to you, to take the next steps toward REAL happiness, not the fake substitute.
GL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
How much less would you value yourself if you did by chance call him. Love yourself first. Love yourself enough to say that you dont need to call him. Tell yourself that you are first and foremost. Love yourself.
If you place that call there is a good chance you will feel worse. You cant unhave a conversation that ends up making you feel bad or worse then you feel now. I know you are hurting I know how bad that feels but trust me when I say it will only feel worse if you talk to him. The reason I say that is because correct me if I am wrong here but I think in your mind you have a desire to hear certain things from him. The conversation that you are having in your head WILL NOT be the same in reality. Protect yourself sweets...Its gonna be ok. Just keep going. Baby steps.....
If you place that call there is a good chance you will feel worse. You cant unhave a conversation that ends up making you feel bad or worse then you feel now. I know you are hurting I know how bad that feels but trust me when I say it will only feel worse if you talk to him. The reason I say that is because correct me if I am wrong here but I think in your mind you have a desire to hear certain things from him. The conversation that you are having in your head WILL NOT be the same in reality. Protect yourself sweets...Its gonna be ok. Just keep going. Baby steps.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Think it through. What is calling him going to accomplish?
Are you getting any emotional support for yourself like Alanon? Do you have any books on codependency to read?
Laurie gave you some suggestions/resources to check into. Have you done any of that?
Believe me, I know what it's like to feel lonely and afraid and trapped. I had to start doing things for myself, even if it was baby steps, start making a plan. I had to keep my mind busy. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a good book, or "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Surely you have a public library there?
Start journaling your feelings. I found they lost a lot of power once I put them on paper in front of me and quit letting them run riot in my head.
Nice little things for myself like a bubble bath with a candle lit will relax me sometimes. It doesn't have to be something big!
:ghug :ghug
Are you getting any emotional support for yourself like Alanon? Do you have any books on codependency to read?
Laurie gave you some suggestions/resources to check into. Have you done any of that?
Believe me, I know what it's like to feel lonely and afraid and trapped. I had to start doing things for myself, even if it was baby steps, start making a plan. I had to keep my mind busy. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a good book, or "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Surely you have a public library there?
Start journaling your feelings. I found they lost a lot of power once I put them on paper in front of me and quit letting them run riot in my head.
Nice little things for myself like a bubble bath with a candle lit will relax me sometimes. It doesn't have to be something big!
:ghug :ghug
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Well I totaled my car so money is not an option for a few months, I am working as a teacher so I do have to secure my job...my dad works in the same town I do I can beg him for a ride until things work out. I am trying to get along with living with mom dad and bro and sis but when you think about it being from a family of 4 this is no different from growing up..I was just scared they may look down on me in court because i am not on my feet yet (Its only been a month but his parents can and would pay for him to be perfectly setup to walk into a court and show off all the money they have vs me...I wouldnt lose her over that would I...I mean he is a dopehead and I am a loving mom they can see that right? I guess Im scared to burn bridges because I dont want them doing anything out of spite...by the way I turned of my cell phone I felt stronger just doing that...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Courts dont decide custody based on who has the most money - they base it on who can give the child a better homelife and who they are safest with. Our society still leans towards the mother especially when children are young. If he does walk into court looking like he has lots of money then that's just more child support for you. Dont worry about things that havent happened yet and may never happen - plan for the future but dont fret because it is an energy stealer. You wont be the first mom to walk in that court who is living in a stable home with her parents while she gets on her feet and i dont think a judge will hold it against you - in fact it will show that you have the support of other family members. Look at this as a positive not a negative.
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