sobriety & changes
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cali
Posts: 48
sobriety & changes
i dreamed and prayed every day that my ABF would see the light. on his last dreadful scary binge he came home and decided that this was it. no more. this person had hit rock bottom. he couldnt take it anymore. this last binge was the terror of my life. i wrote him a letter for each day he was gone telling him how painful it was watching him kill himself. i stood by. researched all the options for sobriety. i tried to detach as taught in alanon. all the steps you have to do for recovery. i was supportive if he could please get better. regardless of how bad the drinking was we were in love. we committed and our goal was to be with each other once he recovered.
he is now 45 days in his recovery and our relationship has fizzled. i had to officially break it off. he told me that our relationship was a blur and right now he doesnt feel anything or if he does he doesnt thing he loves me like he did. he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce. i am devastated by this! i know he is sick and yes we should not have made plans with an alcoholic but i believed our love was real and for it to be dismissed is so painful. he said its not that he doesnt feel or care its that its confusing and that he wants to be honest and not make excuses that he wasnt clear in the head. i feel used. he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me. what hurts is he cant even say sorry. he blames the alcohol and how 45 days ago he didnt even care if he lived or not and now that he is sober this long...its a rebirth. i still pray that he maintains. he scares me because he pushes himself hard into work and making money-he wants to be rich again (which was what sank him into drinking to begin) and he wants to repair his bond with his kids and focus on sobriety and with all that he does not have time for me.
is this normal? do they change so quickly in recovery? has anyone gone through this? im so lost in this....i want to move on but i love him and i am so sad that i feel disregarded in his sobriety. :wtf2
he is now 45 days in his recovery and our relationship has fizzled. i had to officially break it off. he told me that our relationship was a blur and right now he doesnt feel anything or if he does he doesnt thing he loves me like he did. he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce. i am devastated by this! i know he is sick and yes we should not have made plans with an alcoholic but i believed our love was real and for it to be dismissed is so painful. he said its not that he doesnt feel or care its that its confusing and that he wants to be honest and not make excuses that he wasnt clear in the head. i feel used. he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me. what hurts is he cant even say sorry. he blames the alcohol and how 45 days ago he didnt even care if he lived or not and now that he is sober this long...its a rebirth. i still pray that he maintains. he scares me because he pushes himself hard into work and making money-he wants to be rich again (which was what sank him into drinking to begin) and he wants to repair his bond with his kids and focus on sobriety and with all that he does not have time for me.
is this normal? do they change so quickly in recovery? has anyone gone through this? im so lost in this....i want to move on but i love him and i am so sad that i feel disregarded in his sobriety. :wtf2
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by spda 
he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce.
is this normal? do they change so quickly in recovery?
is this normal? do they change so quickly in recovery?
Yes, yes we do change that fast our first year, we become something completely different then what we were, it's painful to everyone involved.
Take care of yourself, and if it's meant to be, nothing will keep you apart, and if it's meant to fail, nothing will keep you together.
This describes him pretty well right now there is a description of the man who pursues money in early sobriety if you scroll down
http://www.healtalk.com/public/chapter-9.shtml
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Sounds to me like he is trying to work his program, I know that at the start they (A) are told to focus very strongly on their recovery.
This is the time TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND YOUR RECOVERY. Whatever he is doing, he is doing and hopefully for himself not for you or kids or anyone else.
For me, I had to step back and work on me. Figure out who I was, why I stayed for so long, why I accepted/allow such a relationship, etc etc. It's been very painful but at the end of the day very necessary. I'm a much happier and contented person.
Did the relationship survive? No it didn't. He stopped working his program, became a dry drunk, I left, he picked up again (and with another woman) and I really started to live again.
Step away, give yourself and him time to work on yourselves. There is a lot of work and healing that need to happen. Focus on you!
K.
This is the time TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND YOUR RECOVERY. Whatever he is doing, he is doing and hopefully for himself not for you or kids or anyone else.
For me, I had to step back and work on me. Figure out who I was, why I stayed for so long, why I accepted/allow such a relationship, etc etc. It's been very painful but at the end of the day very necessary. I'm a much happier and contented person.
Did the relationship survive? No it didn't. He stopped working his program, became a dry drunk, I left, he picked up again (and with another woman) and I really started to live again.
Step away, give yourself and him time to work on yourselves. There is a lot of work and healing that need to happen. Focus on you!
K.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
i feel used.
unfortunately this is something the alcoholic and the loved ones of the alcoholic have to come to terms with if the alcoholic gets sober & recovered... while in active alcoholism, nothing gets in the way of their drinking, so they WILL use people, in whatever ways necessary to keep drinking - it is a hallmark of the disease, and love and consideration have NOTHING to do with it. And then in recovery, really, nothing can get in the way of their recovery - it is serious and for many it is a matter of life or death - and so again their own needs will still trump all else for a long time.
Alcoholism is so extremely serious and grave. So the recovery from it is never going to be this *ding* everything is better moment...to get out of the grip of that compulsion to drink takes all that they are.
My father recovered after 25 yr of active miserable alcoholism- and the first couple years of his recovery were tough- especially for my mom who had fooled herself into thinking that when the alcohol went away everything would be OK- I mean she was ready for it to be a "little" bit of a struggle - but she was as unprepared for the REALITY of recovery as she was for the devastation of alcoholism...
I'm so sorry you're going through this pain right now-- can you get to an AlAnon meeting? Regardless of his recovery it is time to put the spotlight on YOU!
Peace-
B.
unfortunately this is something the alcoholic and the loved ones of the alcoholic have to come to terms with if the alcoholic gets sober & recovered... while in active alcoholism, nothing gets in the way of their drinking, so they WILL use people, in whatever ways necessary to keep drinking - it is a hallmark of the disease, and love and consideration have NOTHING to do with it. And then in recovery, really, nothing can get in the way of their recovery - it is serious and for many it is a matter of life or death - and so again their own needs will still trump all else for a long time.
Alcoholism is so extremely serious and grave. So the recovery from it is never going to be this *ding* everything is better moment...to get out of the grip of that compulsion to drink takes all that they are.
My father recovered after 25 yr of active miserable alcoholism- and the first couple years of his recovery were tough- especially for my mom who had fooled herself into thinking that when the alcohol went away everything would be OK- I mean she was ready for it to be a "little" bit of a struggle - but she was as unprepared for the REALITY of recovery as she was for the devastation of alcoholism...
I'm so sorry you're going through this pain right now-- can you get to an AlAnon meeting? Regardless of his recovery it is time to put the spotlight on YOU!
Peace-
B.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I think you have been given really good advice from the other posts....
I would like to add that as a person "recovers" they make POSITIVE steps forward. It sounded to me like he was still in alcoholic mentality because he is unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions/behavior. Yes, they can say to an extent that alcohol/drugs caused them to do certain things but when they are hurting another that is when they need to assign responsibility for themselves.
It is also true that in recovery addicts are starting to "feel" feelings again and sometimes they arent really sure what to do with those feelings. That is why counseling and possibly the 12 steps are the best bet.
My ex is in treatment now and I personally dont see the difference in him since he has quit using. I know that he is suppose to be working on himself and changing his thinking but I dont see any actions that say he is doing that. I have read alot about the family disease of addiction and understand that it is a process.
Recovery is difficult for someone who has been in the haze of drugs and alcohol. If you really think about it the first thing that addicts do is run from their problems because they think they will go away. When all of their "problems" are gone (family, spouses, jobs, life, children) then they are only left with themselves. It is at that time that some not all but some addicts begin to understand that the problem is THEMSELVES. Not those around them.
I would stand back and allow him to experience these things. Truly let go and step into the shadows. Like mentioned earlier if the relationship is meant to be it will happen no matter what. Take the focus off of your relationship and let him figure things out.
In the mean time learn what you can about getting yourself better and making yourself whole so that you can get to a point where you can take the relationship or leave it.....
I would like to add that as a person "recovers" they make POSITIVE steps forward. It sounded to me like he was still in alcoholic mentality because he is unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions/behavior. Yes, they can say to an extent that alcohol/drugs caused them to do certain things but when they are hurting another that is when they need to assign responsibility for themselves.
It is also true that in recovery addicts are starting to "feel" feelings again and sometimes they arent really sure what to do with those feelings. That is why counseling and possibly the 12 steps are the best bet.
My ex is in treatment now and I personally dont see the difference in him since he has quit using. I know that he is suppose to be working on himself and changing his thinking but I dont see any actions that say he is doing that. I have read alot about the family disease of addiction and understand that it is a process.
Recovery is difficult for someone who has been in the haze of drugs and alcohol. If you really think about it the first thing that addicts do is run from their problems because they think they will go away. When all of their "problems" are gone (family, spouses, jobs, life, children) then they are only left with themselves. It is at that time that some not all but some addicts begin to understand that the problem is THEMSELVES. Not those around them.
I would stand back and allow him to experience these things. Truly let go and step into the shadows. Like mentioned earlier if the relationship is meant to be it will happen no matter what. Take the focus off of your relationship and let him figure things out.
In the mean time learn what you can about getting yourself better and making yourself whole so that you can get to a point where you can take the relationship or leave it.....
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by spda
i feel used. he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I cannot speak for your ABF, I can only tell you what it was like for me.
At 45 days, I felt like I was in a million pieces, trying to pull pieces out of the air and put them back on my body frame. My mind was MUSH, and I had emotions I could not even put a name to. I was introducing myself at meetings (seriously) as "Hi my name is Scattered and I am an alcoholic."
I didn't know what was real and what was fantasy. Certainly didn't know what I was feeling. Would sit with my sponsor and try and explain and she and/or her hubby would put a name to it, sadness, anger, etc
He is correct to a degree, as I have seen many relationships dissolve during the first year, even with the suggestion of "No major changes in ones life the first year." I have also seen many relationships make it through that first year.
This is a very confusing time for him and YOU. Therefore, instead of worrying about him and your possible continuation or ending of the relationship, how about you working on YOU. Go to Alanon, discovery YOURSELF. Discover what you LIKE about YOU and what you LOVE about YOU and what you DISLIKE about YOU.
Working on ones self is so rewarding. Allowed me to see why I made the choices I made, and not just in relationships. Allowed me to see what I needed to do for me, to change me into the person I wanted to be. It wasn't until I found me, and started to LIKE and LOVE me that I started attracting the people I was comfortable with.
I have found that people are attracted to our INSIDES not our OUTSIDES and thus when my own insides were calm, and that big hole in my gut was gone......................those people around me changed. I also found that I had been in love with the idea of love for so long, that I had to figure out what loving another really meant and was.
As said above, work on YOU. Be good to YOU. If this is meant to be further down the road it will, if not it won't.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
At 45 days, I felt like I was in a million pieces, trying to pull pieces out of the air and put them back on my body frame. My mind was MUSH, and I had emotions I could not even put a name to. I was introducing myself at meetings (seriously) as "Hi my name is Scattered and I am an alcoholic."
I didn't know what was real and what was fantasy. Certainly didn't know what I was feeling. Would sit with my sponsor and try and explain and she and/or her hubby would put a name to it, sadness, anger, etc
He is correct to a degree, as I have seen many relationships dissolve during the first year, even with the suggestion of "No major changes in ones life the first year." I have also seen many relationships make it through that first year.
This is a very confusing time for him and YOU. Therefore, instead of worrying about him and your possible continuation or ending of the relationship, how about you working on YOU. Go to Alanon, discovery YOURSELF. Discover what you LIKE about YOU and what you LOVE about YOU and what you DISLIKE about YOU.
Working on ones self is so rewarding. Allowed me to see why I made the choices I made, and not just in relationships. Allowed me to see what I needed to do for me, to change me into the person I wanted to be. It wasn't until I found me, and started to LIKE and LOVE me that I started attracting the people I was comfortable with.
I have found that people are attracted to our INSIDES not our OUTSIDES and thus when my own insides were calm, and that big hole in my gut was gone......................those people around me changed. I also found that I had been in love with the idea of love for so long, that I had to figure out what loving another really meant and was.
As said above, work on YOU. Be good to YOU. If this is meant to be further down the road it will, if not it won't.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cali
Posts: 48
thank you all!!!
the crazy thing about this disease is that all i wanted was for him was to be sober. our time together before i realized he was an alcoholic and then in the horror of the storm never put a doubt in me for his love for me. he told me, tried to show me each day as bad as it got that he loved me more. in sobriety the hard reality is he has now distanced himself completely. i am an independent person. i do attend alanon and i listen to what others say or experience. i have read the big blue book and i have read alanon literature. i am on SR reading all i can. i feel hurt i believed him in the alcoholic state because maybe it was a means to end. a survivor tactic. he asked me everyday to save him. i said you have to save yourself and i will stand by be supportive and help you with the tools to do it. it wasnt up to me i knew that...i waited and he finally hit his rock bottom to get sober. the longest he was sober in 10 years was 6 months.
my hardest down fall is the hurtful " you really dont know what is to be drunk like i was". of course not-i could never drink like he does.he didnt care if he lived or died 45 days ago. i think i was the only one besides kids and family that cared. his last binge lasted 7 days and no one knew where he went. he came home and told me he didnt want to be responsible for my feelings. now that he has sobered he is emotionally cold and physically distant. i dont know who i am dealing with. with that i have been detached as they say in alanon living my life.
our break culminated because i went to a pre-thanksgiving dinner without him. i do a majority of things without him. my friends call it my non-existent boyfriend. he called while i was out at dinner and assumed i was with another man. he then did not call me after 5 days do to that theory. not even to wish me happy tday! i was with friends like i normally am if i am not with him over the weekend. i would never cheat. he knows that.
i feel it was excuse to get out of having responsibility to be in a relationship sober. like the big book he has thrown himself into work work work! he is now father of the year again in his mind because he is now taking control of reestablishing relations with the kids. i know intellectually that he is sick, lost, confused, etc but alchohol is always the excuse when drunk and now sober.
its painful. i know i can move on.. the minute people found out we broke up my phone, texts and emails havent stopped with invites for dates. my now XABF has no idea or maybe deep down does. i have now stopped talking to him but i still love him. its too fresh. deep down i pray he has remorse or regret or realizes that he hurt me instead of it always being...him him him...i guess there was never a me. it was him and us and thats all. its sad to realize. i want the pain to stop i am angry of what could of been... love of my life, babies, building a future. it makes me feel it was all lies and his blur right now is my blur.
the crazy thing about this disease is that all i wanted was for him was to be sober. our time together before i realized he was an alcoholic and then in the horror of the storm never put a doubt in me for his love for me. he told me, tried to show me each day as bad as it got that he loved me more. in sobriety the hard reality is he has now distanced himself completely. i am an independent person. i do attend alanon and i listen to what others say or experience. i have read the big blue book and i have read alanon literature. i am on SR reading all i can. i feel hurt i believed him in the alcoholic state because maybe it was a means to end. a survivor tactic. he asked me everyday to save him. i said you have to save yourself and i will stand by be supportive and help you with the tools to do it. it wasnt up to me i knew that...i waited and he finally hit his rock bottom to get sober. the longest he was sober in 10 years was 6 months.
my hardest down fall is the hurtful " you really dont know what is to be drunk like i was". of course not-i could never drink like he does.he didnt care if he lived or died 45 days ago. i think i was the only one besides kids and family that cared. his last binge lasted 7 days and no one knew where he went. he came home and told me he didnt want to be responsible for my feelings. now that he has sobered he is emotionally cold and physically distant. i dont know who i am dealing with. with that i have been detached as they say in alanon living my life.
our break culminated because i went to a pre-thanksgiving dinner without him. i do a majority of things without him. my friends call it my non-existent boyfriend. he called while i was out at dinner and assumed i was with another man. he then did not call me after 5 days do to that theory. not even to wish me happy tday! i was with friends like i normally am if i am not with him over the weekend. i would never cheat. he knows that.
i feel it was excuse to get out of having responsibility to be in a relationship sober. like the big book he has thrown himself into work work work! he is now father of the year again in his mind because he is now taking control of reestablishing relations with the kids. i know intellectually that he is sick, lost, confused, etc but alchohol is always the excuse when drunk and now sober.
its painful. i know i can move on.. the minute people found out we broke up my phone, texts and emails havent stopped with invites for dates. my now XABF has no idea or maybe deep down does. i have now stopped talking to him but i still love him. its too fresh. deep down i pray he has remorse or regret or realizes that he hurt me instead of it always being...him him him...i guess there was never a me. it was him and us and thats all. its sad to realize. i want the pain to stop i am angry of what could of been... love of my life, babies, building a future. it makes me feel it was all lies and his blur right now is my blur.
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