Confused
everything is already ok
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Confused
Just home from a night at the movies with a woman I have been spending a lot of time with (24 years clean in NA). Since we first met I have felt such a strong connection and she says she has too. I thought that perhaps that we might have a relationship and we spoke about that too a few days ago and she said that’s not what she wants and that the connection is about friendship. I am ok with that, but since then she ahs been a bit harsh with me and tonight over a meal and before and after watching ‘Australia’ she was critical of me and dismissive of everything I said, even of the fact that I drive a 4WD (I need one where I live) and complained all evening about her work, her life, her weight, her looks (she is very attractive and beautiful).
I am confused sad and feeling so lonely right now. It’s the middle of the night here and I can talk to my HP but did not feel ok about waking a member up and my best friend is not doing so well, whereas I would usual call, I don’t feel that’s ok anymore.
This could well all be me as relationships seems to be what I am working, with myself and with others, perhaps I should have accepted the connection for what it was. I am not surprised that I ruined my relationships when I was using, but am surprised that I seem so inept and lacking in courage in existing and new relationships.
I am so grateful SR is here and I can talk. I don’t expect you to do or say anything when you read this. Even though I feel lower than dirt tonight, I am ok and will be ok, just finding this hard. I came into recovery with a broken heart and the fellowship showed me how to heal it and now I guess I am learning how to risk it again and maybe I simply need to be open to those I can love and who can love me.
Will see her again tomorrow at a 20th Anniversary, normally I would be cold and distant after being treated badly, but I am thinking I will just be me, the me I am slowly becoming in this new life.
Kevin
I am confused sad and feeling so lonely right now. It’s the middle of the night here and I can talk to my HP but did not feel ok about waking a member up and my best friend is not doing so well, whereas I would usual call, I don’t feel that’s ok anymore.
This could well all be me as relationships seems to be what I am working, with myself and with others, perhaps I should have accepted the connection for what it was. I am not surprised that I ruined my relationships when I was using, but am surprised that I seem so inept and lacking in courage in existing and new relationships.
I am so grateful SR is here and I can talk. I don’t expect you to do or say anything when you read this. Even though I feel lower than dirt tonight, I am ok and will be ok, just finding this hard. I came into recovery with a broken heart and the fellowship showed me how to heal it and now I guess I am learning how to risk it again and maybe I simply need to be open to those I can love and who can love me.
Will see her again tomorrow at a 20th Anniversary, normally I would be cold and distant after being treated badly, but I am thinking I will just be me, the me I am slowly becoming in this new life.
Kevin
Last edited by nogard; 12-06-2008 at 06:53 AM. Reason: lousy grammar!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Glitzville
Posts: 334
Hi Kevin,
I really wouldn't take personally what this woman said to you. Even though you find her attractive and have enjoyed time with her, she sounds like she has some issues of her own that don't have anything to do with you. If she is critical of you or dismissive, that is not okay, even as a friend. That all she did was complain was another tip off of her inner condition. These are big red warning flags. Her clean time has nothing to do with it.
You deserve much better, Kevin, someone with the clarity to care about you just as you are, and with the desire to know you more deeply. It will happen. Maybe just detach with peace in your heart for the time being.
Many hugs to you,
Donna
I really wouldn't take personally what this woman said to you. Even though you find her attractive and have enjoyed time with her, she sounds like she has some issues of her own that don't have anything to do with you. If she is critical of you or dismissive, that is not okay, even as a friend. That all she did was complain was another tip off of her inner condition. These are big red warning flags. Her clean time has nothing to do with it.
You deserve much better, Kevin, someone with the clarity to care about you just as you are, and with the desire to know you more deeply. It will happen. Maybe just detach with peace in your heart for the time being.
Many hugs to you,
Donna
everything is already ok
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Thanks, I am remineded that there is a saying about looking for love in all the wrong places? I don't do that anymore, but perhaps I do in a way, in as much as I am attracted to and attract women who are not for me and I am not for them. I guess that will change with time and action on my part.
Kevin
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
I'm the last one who should comment but...
You replied to my rant (thanks) so I'm thinking that you must be an awesome guy. The first thing that I thought was that she's pushing you away... been there, done that. Oh, that's right, I still do. I completely agree that she has issues that have nothing to do with you. She may even want more from the relationship but is scared. I can't really begin to tell you why she might be feeling threatened and feeling a need to try to push you away, but you have a couple choices as I see it, Nogard. You can stick with the friendship and show her that she doesn't need to push you away -- IF you are willing to keep it at a friendship level if you find out that that is all she is capable of AND if you find that doing so isn't toxic for you (which if you have strong feelings for her, might not be good for you to do). Whatever you do... don't take it personally or get down on yourself or your ability to get into a good relationship. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
hi nogard..thought id share with you briefly my experience with relationships.
When i first sobered up, i hadnt been in any sort of relationship for about 5-6 years i guess..
Id been drinking chronicly for years and was very sick..
Within a year of sobering up i got into a relationship with a local woman.
The feeling involved in that first relationship were very intense and i found it very difficult to cope with.
She could hurt my feelings and not even know it...i found it very difficult to trust her even though she was totally trust worthy.
Just by not kissing me goodbye could live me in pieces.
She eventually had enough of my obsessive behavior and ended it.
I went back to drinking after 300 days sobriety in late 1998.
And it took me till 2000 to stop again.
Looking back i can see much more clearly....i had no clue how to have a relationship...
These were my first real feelings in years its no wonder i found it difficult to cope.
Someone in a meeting said to me "you need to grow a skin" which about sums it up for me.
Until i learnt to deal with feelings and emotions better i was useless with relationships and all the stuff that went with it.
Over time the twelve steps and god helped in to manage my own life.
In my experience relationships get easier....ive now been married to alison for a number of years and we are very happy.
I have learnt to trust again.
Bottom line is mate..........me and you aint drinking today....Thats a miracle.
Chin-up and god be with you...............trucker
When i first sobered up, i hadnt been in any sort of relationship for about 5-6 years i guess..
Id been drinking chronicly for years and was very sick..
Within a year of sobering up i got into a relationship with a local woman.
The feeling involved in that first relationship were very intense and i found it very difficult to cope with.
She could hurt my feelings and not even know it...i found it very difficult to trust her even though she was totally trust worthy.
Just by not kissing me goodbye could live me in pieces.
She eventually had enough of my obsessive behavior and ended it.
I went back to drinking after 300 days sobriety in late 1998.
And it took me till 2000 to stop again.
Looking back i can see much more clearly....i had no clue how to have a relationship...
These were my first real feelings in years its no wonder i found it difficult to cope.
Someone in a meeting said to me "you need to grow a skin" which about sums it up for me.
Until i learnt to deal with feelings and emotions better i was useless with relationships and all the stuff that went with it.
Over time the twelve steps and god helped in to manage my own life.
In my experience relationships get easier....ive now been married to alison for a number of years and we are very happy.
I have learnt to trust again.
Bottom line is mate..........me and you aint drinking today....Thats a miracle.
Chin-up and god be with you...............trucker
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,785
Kevin, for all that you sound rather distraught, you seem to have a good handle on the situation. Dealing with feelings is a bi!ch sometimes, especially if we've been numb for a long time. YOu'll be ok, just take the relationship like you do your recovery - one day at a time!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Hi Kevin,
It does sound like she's pushing you away. It could be because she really doesn't want to lose you as a friend, but is not sure how to handle anything more. I don't think you're looking in the wrong places, because, truly, you do have to put yourself out there sometimes, to figure out what someone else is feeling.
I have to add, that I'm glad you will be friendly to her the next time you see her, but if she continues to complain, I hope you distance yourself. You deserve better than that!
It does sound like she's pushing you away. It could be because she really doesn't want to lose you as a friend, but is not sure how to handle anything more. I don't think you're looking in the wrong places, because, truly, you do have to put yourself out there sometimes, to figure out what someone else is feeling.
I have to add, that I'm glad you will be friendly to her the next time you see her, but if she continues to complain, I hope you distance yourself. You deserve better than that!
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Nogard,
I've always read your posts and been struck by how clear-headed, certain, and self-sufficient you seem. I wonder if this woman even knows how vulnerable you actually are? And how her actions and words felt hurtful to you? Some people don't think about others. They just blindly plunge foward in their own ways. They don't stop to notice the effect their words are having...
I think you should tell her, just so it doesn't fester in you. Maybe you have already.
At any rate, hang in there. You always seem strong and supportive to others. I hope you feel the support coming back your way from us here at SR. And I hope you friend apologizes. She was being rude.
I've always read your posts and been struck by how clear-headed, certain, and self-sufficient you seem. I wonder if this woman even knows how vulnerable you actually are? And how her actions and words felt hurtful to you? Some people don't think about others. They just blindly plunge foward in their own ways. They don't stop to notice the effect their words are having...
I think you should tell her, just so it doesn't fester in you. Maybe you have already.
At any rate, hang in there. You always seem strong and supportive to others. I hope you feel the support coming back your way from us here at SR. And I hope you friend apologizes. She was being rude.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
nice comments and support here so far for you kevin....so that's nice eh?
you wrote: the bold part there says it all. that is just beautiful. You can do this....whatever the future holds so be it...You are here now and are living--becoming the REAL you.
you wrote:
Will see her again tomorrow at a 20th Anniversary, normally I would be cold and distant after being treated badly, but I am thinking I will just be me, the me I am slowly becoming in this new life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
I am so sorry you went through this and were left feeling so down Kevin. As others have said you are a great guy and it is apparent to those of us who know you on the boards.
It sounds like she was in a really bad place yesterday, a very negative one. Now whether it was intentional to push you away or just an outward demonstration of what was going on inside of her it doesn't sound like much fun. Sometimes people don't do things to us, they do them in spite of us. If she was in a bad state it may have had nothing to do with you but nonetheless you were present and caught in the crossfire. Doesn't make it right or pleasant. Also, the fact that she has 24 years has nothing to do with it. She is still a human and can have an off day. We all can.
The fact that you plan to be nice to her today and not hold the bad behavior against her speaks volumes to me about your recovery and your character. I would say to you that if this behavior continues then I would consider this person toxic to your emotional sobriety. I would personally distance myself from such people and seek out people who I enjoy being with, who I feel good spending time with, not someone who drags me down and puts me down. You deserve to be treated with respect. Never forget that. You have a duty and an obligation to yourself to surround yourself with people who uplift you, not drag you down to their level.
Remember Kevin you can fly with the eagles so why hang with the turkeys lol!
Hugs,
Kellye
It sounds like she was in a really bad place yesterday, a very negative one. Now whether it was intentional to push you away or just an outward demonstration of what was going on inside of her it doesn't sound like much fun. Sometimes people don't do things to us, they do them in spite of us. If she was in a bad state it may have had nothing to do with you but nonetheless you were present and caught in the crossfire. Doesn't make it right or pleasant. Also, the fact that she has 24 years has nothing to do with it. She is still a human and can have an off day. We all can.
The fact that you plan to be nice to her today and not hold the bad behavior against her speaks volumes to me about your recovery and your character. I would say to you that if this behavior continues then I would consider this person toxic to your emotional sobriety. I would personally distance myself from such people and seek out people who I enjoy being with, who I feel good spending time with, not someone who drags me down and puts me down. You deserve to be treated with respect. Never forget that. You have a duty and an obligation to yourself to surround yourself with people who uplift you, not drag you down to their level.
Remember Kevin you can fly with the eagles so why hang with the turkeys lol!
Hugs,
Kellye
everything is already ok
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Originally Posted by Kellye C 
I am so sorry you went through this and were left feeling so down Kevin. As others have said you are a great guy and it is apparent to those of us who know you on the boards.
It sounds like she was in a really bad place yesterday, a very negative one. Now whether it was intentional to push you away or just an outward demonstration of what was going on inside of her it doesn't sound like much fun. Sometimes people don't do things to us, they do them in spite of us. If she was in a bad state it may have had nothing to do with you but nonetheless you were present and caught in the crossfire. Doesn't make it right or pleasant. Also, the fact that she has 24 years has nothing to do with it. She is still a human and can have an off day. We all can.
The fact that you plan to be nice to her today and not hold the bad behavior against her speaks volumes to me about your recovery and your character. I would say to you that if this behavior continues then I would consider this person toxic to your emotional sobriety. I would personally distance myself from such people and seek out people who I enjoy being with, who I feel good spending time with, not someone who drags me down and puts me down. You deserve to be treated with respect. Never forget that. You have a duty and an obligation to yourself to surround yourself with people who uplift you, not drag you down to their level.
Remember Kevin you can fly with the eagles so why hang with the turkeys lol!
Hugs,
Kellye
It sounds like she was in a really bad place yesterday, a very negative one. Now whether it was intentional to push you away or just an outward demonstration of what was going on inside of her it doesn't sound like much fun. Sometimes people don't do things to us, they do them in spite of us. If she was in a bad state it may have had nothing to do with you but nonetheless you were present and caught in the crossfire. Doesn't make it right or pleasant. Also, the fact that she has 24 years has nothing to do with it. She is still a human and can have an off day. We all can.
The fact that you plan to be nice to her today and not hold the bad behavior against her speaks volumes to me about your recovery and your character. I would say to you that if this behavior continues then I would consider this person toxic to your emotional sobriety. I would personally distance myself from such people and seek out people who I enjoy being with, who I feel good spending time with, not someone who drags me down and puts me down. You deserve to be treated with respect. Never forget that. You have a duty and an obligation to yourself to surround yourself with people who uplift you, not drag you down to their level.
Remember Kevin you can fly with the eagles so why hang with the turkeys lol!
Hugs,
Kellye
That made me cry (((Kellye))) Thanks and thanks for all the comments they are lovely. I am just getting ready to go out to the lunch and will just see what happens, but this is not teh first time its happened so I think I will take all of your advice and surround myself with people who care.
Kevin
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
I just read this now, Kev. I think some of the comments you received were wonderful. All the things I might have said were already written, so I'll just say thank you for trusting us with your feelings and for letting us feel important in your life. I'm a bit defensive on your behalf (as most of the others are too) so I'm not very happy with the fact that she sort of led you to believe there was more to it than just friendship. That's a very hurtful thing to have to deal with, so I think you handled it amazingly well.
I'd been alone for a very long time when I finally met my husband. (Hey, where were you then?
) I met him unexpectedly, when I'd given up the idea of having a man in my life again. There he was out of nowhere, and it all just came together very quickly. I'm sure your lady is out there waiting.
I'd been alone for a very long time when I finally met my husband. (Hey, where were you then?
) I met him unexpectedly, when I'd given up the idea of having a man in my life again. There he was out of nowhere, and it all just came together very quickly. I'm sure your lady is out there waiting.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
If only she knew she could be awoken to the sounds of grunting kangaroos. LOL! She doesn't sound like the outdoorsy type. Leave that to the girls that can appreciate it Kev. I agree with Hevyn Kevin (hey Hevyn - Kevin rhymes - joys of spending a lot of time with my rhyming 6 year old!). She'll appear when you least expect it.
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