Doing so well...Until today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Doing so well...Until today
Hello All,
I posted last week explaining that my alcoholic partner had left me after a hard 5 years, we have a baby together and since his alcoholic Father has come into a lot of money (7 weeks ago now) he has stopped contacting me about mine and her wellbeing, left the family home, us, his car, his job and not turned up for several meetings with her (though I wanted to see him too) arranged through his Sister, when we have spoken he's told me several times that it's over, accept it and that he doesn't love me anymore, though this I am finding so very very difficult to accept because before his fathers Money he did really appear to love me and her and I really know that he did despite all the difficulties his lifestyle gave us.
You all gave me tremendous words of support and I had a great weekend with my family and friends really feling one step closer to finding normal again.
Anyhow, felt the need to write becasue today I feel dreadful. My best friend was out in our local pub and then on to a nightclub last night and he was out seemingly having the time of his life, she is very honest with me and simply said that he was drunk (obviously) but quite content and full of fun and didn't even ask her how either of us were (she was always a good family friend so I find this just plain odd).
I now feel a mix of things, 1. All the sadness and missing him has resurfaced and I just want to call his sisters phone to even be able to talk to him though I know he will just want me off the phone and I'll feel even worse at the end. 2.Jealousy I guess that others are still able to spend happy times with him but we are not as he finds it too problematic. 3. Anger, whilst he hasn't contributed a penny to her in 7 weeks - all my household bills are the same and I'm struggling and cold he is able to go to expensive nightclubs without even a thought.
So these are my questions if any of you can help again-
How do I get over all this again? And do you think he really, really doesn't love me so much he can't even bear to see me or speak to me and his baby daughter who he seemed to adore. Does any part of him miss me? and if it does would he even recognise it after 7 weeks of solid heavy drinking?
I know how I'm coming across and I know the answer, that I need to concentrate on me, which I was feeling I was doing but obviously that must have been false because I'm right back where I was 7 weeks ago today, I think the tablets for depression are working and it'd good not to have the angst of living with a drunk but the yearning and emptiness that his leaving has left behind today, feels worse than all of the disaster and chaos we had when he was there.
So sorry for bleating on again, but this has been a lifeline for me, you are all so wise and kind. x
I posted last week explaining that my alcoholic partner had left me after a hard 5 years, we have a baby together and since his alcoholic Father has come into a lot of money (7 weeks ago now) he has stopped contacting me about mine and her wellbeing, left the family home, us, his car, his job and not turned up for several meetings with her (though I wanted to see him too) arranged through his Sister, when we have spoken he's told me several times that it's over, accept it and that he doesn't love me anymore, though this I am finding so very very difficult to accept because before his fathers Money he did really appear to love me and her and I really know that he did despite all the difficulties his lifestyle gave us.
You all gave me tremendous words of support and I had a great weekend with my family and friends really feling one step closer to finding normal again.
Anyhow, felt the need to write becasue today I feel dreadful. My best friend was out in our local pub and then on to a nightclub last night and he was out seemingly having the time of his life, she is very honest with me and simply said that he was drunk (obviously) but quite content and full of fun and didn't even ask her how either of us were (she was always a good family friend so I find this just plain odd).
I now feel a mix of things, 1. All the sadness and missing him has resurfaced and I just want to call his sisters phone to even be able to talk to him though I know he will just want me off the phone and I'll feel even worse at the end. 2.Jealousy I guess that others are still able to spend happy times with him but we are not as he finds it too problematic. 3. Anger, whilst he hasn't contributed a penny to her in 7 weeks - all my household bills are the same and I'm struggling and cold he is able to go to expensive nightclubs without even a thought.
So these are my questions if any of you can help again-
How do I get over all this again? And do you think he really, really doesn't love me so much he can't even bear to see me or speak to me and his baby daughter who he seemed to adore. Does any part of him miss me? and if it does would he even recognise it after 7 weeks of solid heavy drinking?
I know how I'm coming across and I know the answer, that I need to concentrate on me, which I was feeling I was doing but obviously that must have been false because I'm right back where I was 7 weeks ago today, I think the tablets for depression are working and it'd good not to have the angst of living with a drunk but the yearning and emptiness that his leaving has left behind today, feels worse than all of the disaster and chaos we had when he was there.
So sorry for bleating on again, but this has been a lifeline for me, you are all so wise and kind. x
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
Hey, I wish I could offer some really wise advice, I'm sure some others here will when they get to your post but for me, I just want to tell you about my last week. See my youngest daughter just had her baby girl 1 week ago tonight. I spent the last three days at her house helping her and LOVING that precious little bundle. Her boyfriend of 2 years is a super guy who doesn't drink . I pray he stays that way but if he didn't, I wouldn't want him in their lives. Being there made me really remember how innocent and special children and babies are and how I would never let anything hurt them or screw them up if I could help it.
You are that little childs whole life. If he chooses to not be present because he all of a sudden has money which equals in his mind "NO RESPONSABILITIES" why would you want him then? If only you could see this is not a very great personality trait.
I believe he is showing you now, who he really is and you should believe it!! And then seriously remember back to all the pain due to his addiction and weigh it against the peace you feel while holding your baby against your chest and loving her.
He is the one missing out on a beautiful life, not you. I wish I could sprinkle some fairy dust on you that would make you just let him go but I can't. Only you have that power so please, keep posting and feeling the love and support of all the people here.
Give that baby a hug for me and think of you, not of him!
You are that little childs whole life. If he chooses to not be present because he all of a sudden has money which equals in his mind "NO RESPONSABILITIES" why would you want him then? If only you could see this is not a very great personality trait.
I believe he is showing you now, who he really is and you should believe it!! And then seriously remember back to all the pain due to his addiction and weigh it against the peace you feel while holding your baby against your chest and loving her.
He is the one missing out on a beautiful life, not you. I wish I could sprinkle some fairy dust on you that would make you just let him go but I can't. Only you have that power so please, keep posting and feeling the love and support of all the people here.
Give that baby a hug for me and think of you, not of him!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by bearfeet 
Anger, whilst he hasn't contributed a penny to her in 7 weeks - all my household bills are the same and I'm struggling and cold he is able to go to expensive nightclubs without even a thought.
Originally Posted by bearfeet
How do I get over all this again? And do you think he really, really doesn't love me so much he can't even bear to see me or speak to me and his baby daughter who he seemed to adore. Does any part of him miss me? and if it does would he even recognise it after 7 weeks of solid heavy drinking?
As to what he thinks, etc. Who knows? Those are his to own and deal with. You can only deal with what you are thinking and feeling and go on to build a new life for yourself and your child. He will do what he will do regardless of what you want, regardless of whether you know what he is thinking/feeling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cali
Posts: 48
i dont know if this will help you but it sounds like he has no interest in being responsible. i just broke up with my A after he told me yesterday that he doesnt remember our relationship and love after now being 30 days sober. alcoholics hide their feelings, do awful actions, lie, stop caring and are extremely selfish. its sad. my relationship is probably a falsetto of events because he knew he was a drunk at the time and needed me and now doesnt. to get back on track-it seems he doesnt want to deal with you and the baby and the responsibility. he has new found freedom with money. it gives him a bit of power to do what he wants but as an alcoholic -he will drink that money away. my A did that with his money, it didnt go to the kids or ex wife. she is still asking in frustration for her money which is now gone. deal with the courts as soon as you can. if he is not in recovery that money is going to his number one love...alcohol. its up to you to be strong and take care of you and baby! good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cali
Posts: 48
btw...you will be hurt, then it will turn to anger and then one day you wont feel for him-you will only feel for you and your child. protect you! prioritize your baby and remember to stay active! maybe try alanon. you will get over it! im pissed off right now but i see it like this ...do i want a lifetime of misery? NO WAY! as my friends say ..better now than the alter.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
bearfeet, I'm sorry about this 
It seems like we all go through these ups and downs when we're trying to recover from something this ugly, and when we're in the downs it seems like it'll never get better.
From what you tell us about him, it sounds like he's gone on his way (however he justifies it for himself), and it might be best for you & baby to start focusing solely on YOU and not expecting anything from him. It's a shame, it's wrong, it makes no sense, but it is a truth you have to live with.
You'll have good days and bad days and great days and terrible days until they start to level out. That's normal. Know that we're here for you - we don't have all the solutions to make the pain go away, but we'll always listen and support you as you find your way back to happiness.
And you will. I know you will. This pain will not last forever.
Strength,
GL
It seems like we all go through these ups and downs when we're trying to recover from something this ugly, and when we're in the downs it seems like it'll never get better.
From what you tell us about him, it sounds like he's gone on his way (however he justifies it for himself), and it might be best for you & baby to start focusing solely on YOU and not expecting anything from him. It's a shame, it's wrong, it makes no sense, but it is a truth you have to live with.
You'll have good days and bad days and great days and terrible days until they start to level out. That's normal. Know that we're here for you - we don't have all the solutions to make the pain go away, but we'll always listen and support you as you find your way back to happiness.
And you will. I know you will. This pain will not last forever.
Strength,
GL
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I know its hard....it will get better
checkout the classic reading...try a al anon meeting (they would love to have a squishy baby there
) and keep posting...
worry about you and the babe and forget about him. Take care of you
checkout the classic reading...try a al anon meeting (they would love to have a squishy baby there
) and keep posting...worry about you and the babe and forget about him. Take care of you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
I can imagine how your heart must ache right now. Best wishes and lucky you to have a lovely little girl. Have you got any support? I don't mean the support of that very "helpful" family friend who sounds like she may have her own issues with alcohol given her level sensitivity.
There are many of us who have been cut to the core by the words "i don't love you anymore" coming from the wet lips of an alcoholic in full flight with his disease. We believed them and spent hours lying awake at night wondering where and when the love died, why we hadn't been aware, what we could or should have done, why they had said and done all those loving things if they didn't love us.......around and around in our own hurt, confused minds and hearts. Like you, we ached because of those words. We believed them to be true, afterall isn't there a saying "in wine is the truth", isn't alcohol a disinhibitor so doesn't that mean that the drinker is will say what they really feel whilst intoxicated?
But you know what happened then? That same person showed up sober after the binge had ended and said, "Oh I didn't mean that, I was drunk, how could you believe that crap? You know you are the world to me, I couldn't live without you".........and we pressed the delete button and all that pain just disappeared from our memory. Being with an A for five years I would lay London to a brick that you have experienced this before. So why does it feel different now? Because now he has the means (money) to cut loose. His disease has him by the throat, (seven weeks of solid drinking) and there isn't a thing you can do about it, whether he loves you or not.
When I went to an al-anon meeting, found this forum, and started reading the literature I learned that the things that As say and do when they are active in their compulsion is called "quacking".
All these fantastic, insightful, wise, clever, funny, loving human beings told me all about the disease of alcoholism, and that I can detach from what the A is saying because it really isn't sane or rational and is likely to change again and again and again, back and forth, and that the best thing to do is ignore it.
The other thing is how we view things, having been through life with them. I had a conversation with my RAH recently about the past. We were talking about our different perspectives on how it felt when we had separated. I saw him as being out at parties, pubs, happy, car-free having the time of his life etc and compared that with (poor me, the martyr) at home, all the horses to look after, the bills, never able to get away, single lonely. He answered, "I can assure you alcoholism is anything but fun.....for two days I'm on top of the world, and then starts the hell and there is no telling where or when it will end, it's terrifying, and degrading and the worse it gets the harder it is to stop". I mention this because neither your friend nor anyone else knows how that man is feeling. Though, perhaps another alcoholic would have a pretty fair idea.
There are many of us who have been cut to the core by the words "i don't love you anymore" coming from the wet lips of an alcoholic in full flight with his disease. We believed them and spent hours lying awake at night wondering where and when the love died, why we hadn't been aware, what we could or should have done, why they had said and done all those loving things if they didn't love us.......around and around in our own hurt, confused minds and hearts. Like you, we ached because of those words. We believed them to be true, afterall isn't there a saying "in wine is the truth", isn't alcohol a disinhibitor so doesn't that mean that the drinker is will say what they really feel whilst intoxicated?
But you know what happened then? That same person showed up sober after the binge had ended and said, "Oh I didn't mean that, I was drunk, how could you believe that crap? You know you are the world to me, I couldn't live without you".........and we pressed the delete button and all that pain just disappeared from our memory. Being with an A for five years I would lay London to a brick that you have experienced this before. So why does it feel different now? Because now he has the means (money) to cut loose. His disease has him by the throat, (seven weeks of solid drinking) and there isn't a thing you can do about it, whether he loves you or not.
When I went to an al-anon meeting, found this forum, and started reading the literature I learned that the things that As say and do when they are active in their compulsion is called "quacking".
All these fantastic, insightful, wise, clever, funny, loving human beings told me all about the disease of alcoholism, and that I can detach from what the A is saying because it really isn't sane or rational and is likely to change again and again and again, back and forth, and that the best thing to do is ignore it.
The other thing is how we view things, having been through life with them. I had a conversation with my RAH recently about the past. We were talking about our different perspectives on how it felt when we had separated. I saw him as being out at parties, pubs, happy, car-free having the time of his life etc and compared that with (poor me, the martyr) at home, all the horses to look after, the bills, never able to get away, single lonely. He answered, "I can assure you alcoholism is anything but fun.....for two days I'm on top of the world, and then starts the hell and there is no telling where or when it will end, it's terrifying, and degrading and the worse it gets the harder it is to stop". I mention this because neither your friend nor anyone else knows how that man is feeling. Though, perhaps another alcoholic would have a pretty fair idea.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
trust me, when the money runs out, he'll be sorry as hell and ready to make your life all miserable again.
hon, it just takes time. we have good days, we have bad days. the truth is, he is still an alcoholic.
i'm so sorry you are hurting. when i began thinking of myself and not him, i got on the road to recovery.
you just hang in there, breath deep. tomorrow is another day.
hon, it just takes time. we have good days, we have bad days. the truth is, he is still an alcoholic.
i'm so sorry you are hurting. when i began thinking of myself and not him, i got on the road to recovery.
you just hang in there, breath deep. tomorrow is another day.
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