Why can't I accept the truth? (it's long)
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Why can't I accept the truth? (it's long)
I am the lowest I have been in 10 months. I have tried to avoid posting this, but I didn't know what else to do. I am so embarrased.
Last night, I didn't sleep and cried non-stop, like that sick woman I used to be. I power called the hotel where my STBXRAH is staying for a convention so many times, the front desk blocked my number. Sick again.
Of course, I called him this morning and he blamed me - said that I was sick and he was so hurt by how I behaved. That he didn't want that in his life.
What happened to me? How did 10 months of intense therapy and Al-Anon just fly out the window?
(Background: We have been separated for the last two years of our ten year marriage. He abused alcohol the entire marriage and became a nonfunctioning alcoholic when he left me. He left me because I had an affair. A one-night stand one month before he left. I had an affair because I was crazy with confusion, sadness, loneliness - we were always in debt, he was never home, yadda yadda. It was shocking to me that I did it. I didn 't know he was drinking, I thought he just didn't love me anymore. After he left, DUI's, lawyers, detox, relapse. In April, he moved out his mother's rental property and into his mother's place - across the street from his alcoholic brother and family. he filed for divorce.)
He started working the program in June. The divorce proceedings still continued. But as he and I worked the steps, we grew closer. Still, he insisted on the divorce. After the mediation, where he was awarded enough money to leave his mother's, he became so loving and I ate it like manna from heaven. At the same time, I resented the fact that I had to pay him equity from the house I gew up in and gifted 1/2 to him when we married. he comes from an extremely wealthy family and needs nothing.
He has worked steps 1-7. I've worked them through and revisit daily. Finally achieving peace. Feeling less for him, seeig him for what he was. On the day of the divorce decree (Nov 13), he canceled unexpectedly. I thought it was becuase he had second thoughts. He said it was because he wanted to add an addendum to the agreement.
Well, we spent thanksgiving w/e together in Disney with the kids. [He had also decided to spend new year's eve with me (he left me on new year's eve, so the date is significant), although initially he was oing to Texas to be with his brother on NYE. I did get upset, saying that it wasn't a very good sign of commitment and he changed the date]
It was amazing. We spent 4 days with the kids. It wasn't like old times. It was like new times. Like a new life was starting. he was so healthy and good with me and i with him.
Last night, I called him at the hotel to say goodnight. I raised an issue that had been bothering me, but I felt ok with him to discuss. I told him that my parents were very upset with me (as his mother with him) about the trip. My father called me a fool actually. Said that I was paying him $36,000, giving him all of the good and no responsibility. So I shared this, as he had shared the fight he'd had with his mother about the trip.
Well, this was the answer:
I do love you. I am in love with you. But I am divorcing you. I want closure on this marriage. It is too much weight and hurt for me. I want to see if we can work it out after the divorce.
Well, I went CRAZY. JUST CRAZY. For 2 hours, I called every 5 minutes, crying and yelling. saying the same stuff I had said months and years before. "Why don't you want to come home? Why can't you forgive me? Why do you need to get divorced?" etc. He became verbally abusive atfer 1 hour. "You're a dumb b$%$. I don't want you. Get away from me."
Then the hotel blocked my number.
I am devastated. I cannot believe I fell from all the strength I had gained. I cannot believe I am so weak. I cannot believe I still think that he really won't divorce me or that we can divorce and work it out.
I am a mess. Like day 1. A f%$#^ing mess. And I am so sorry. I really am.
Last night, I didn't sleep and cried non-stop, like that sick woman I used to be. I power called the hotel where my STBXRAH is staying for a convention so many times, the front desk blocked my number. Sick again.
Of course, I called him this morning and he blamed me - said that I was sick and he was so hurt by how I behaved. That he didn't want that in his life.
What happened to me? How did 10 months of intense therapy and Al-Anon just fly out the window?
(Background: We have been separated for the last two years of our ten year marriage. He abused alcohol the entire marriage and became a nonfunctioning alcoholic when he left me. He left me because I had an affair. A one-night stand one month before he left. I had an affair because I was crazy with confusion, sadness, loneliness - we were always in debt, he was never home, yadda yadda. It was shocking to me that I did it. I didn 't know he was drinking, I thought he just didn't love me anymore. After he left, DUI's, lawyers, detox, relapse. In April, he moved out his mother's rental property and into his mother's place - across the street from his alcoholic brother and family. he filed for divorce.)
He started working the program in June. The divorce proceedings still continued. But as he and I worked the steps, we grew closer. Still, he insisted on the divorce. After the mediation, where he was awarded enough money to leave his mother's, he became so loving and I ate it like manna from heaven. At the same time, I resented the fact that I had to pay him equity from the house I gew up in and gifted 1/2 to him when we married. he comes from an extremely wealthy family and needs nothing.
He has worked steps 1-7. I've worked them through and revisit daily. Finally achieving peace. Feeling less for him, seeig him for what he was. On the day of the divorce decree (Nov 13), he canceled unexpectedly. I thought it was becuase he had second thoughts. He said it was because he wanted to add an addendum to the agreement.
Well, we spent thanksgiving w/e together in Disney with the kids. [He had also decided to spend new year's eve with me (he left me on new year's eve, so the date is significant), although initially he was oing to Texas to be with his brother on NYE. I did get upset, saying that it wasn't a very good sign of commitment and he changed the date]
It was amazing. We spent 4 days with the kids. It wasn't like old times. It was like new times. Like a new life was starting. he was so healthy and good with me and i with him.
Last night, I called him at the hotel to say goodnight. I raised an issue that had been bothering me, but I felt ok with him to discuss. I told him that my parents were very upset with me (as his mother with him) about the trip. My father called me a fool actually. Said that I was paying him $36,000, giving him all of the good and no responsibility. So I shared this, as he had shared the fight he'd had with his mother about the trip.
Well, this was the answer:
I do love you. I am in love with you. But I am divorcing you. I want closure on this marriage. It is too much weight and hurt for me. I want to see if we can work it out after the divorce.
Well, I went CRAZY. JUST CRAZY. For 2 hours, I called every 5 minutes, crying and yelling. saying the same stuff I had said months and years before. "Why don't you want to come home? Why can't you forgive me? Why do you need to get divorced?" etc. He became verbally abusive atfer 1 hour. "You're a dumb b$%$. I don't want you. Get away from me."
Then the hotel blocked my number.
I am devastated. I cannot believe I fell from all the strength I had gained. I cannot believe I am so weak. I cannot believe I still think that he really won't divorce me or that we can divorce and work it out.
I am a mess. Like day 1. A f%$#^ing mess. And I am so sorry. I really am.
Last edited by felicidade; 12-04-2008 at 07:41 AM.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
Thank you so much. I feel like an idiot. What's wrong with me? Why do I see the rat rationally but not smell it emotionally?
I am going to listen to your suggestion. But I don't know if I can assess this rationally? I guess I've always wanted to believe he was different. I wrote elsewhere that I feel that he got what he wanted and can now just throw me away.
I am going to listen to your suggestion. But I don't know if I can assess this rationally? I guess I've always wanted to believe he was different. I wrote elsewhere that I feel that he got what he wanted and can now just throw me away.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I agree with anvilhead- but I want to add one more thing. . .
Please try to be compassionate with yourself. You had what I would call an emotional relapse- read about it in "Beyond Co-Dependency." (Melodie Beattie). I am going through divorce now too- and it is d*** hard! I've had to really look at myself as human- and accept that there are times when it's just so hard emotionally. It's ok to cry- to feel the sadness and weight of all of it. But- you may want to think about who you become vulnerable with. In my case, I knocked my head against a wall trying to "get through" to my STBXAH many more times than I want to admit. I finally realized it was useless. He is not a recovering alcoholic or even capable of being there for me emotionally, and hasn't been for years. He's extremely inconsistent too- so if he was nice- like you- I'd eat it up like manna from heaven. I need more. I need consistency. I want to eat from the buffet- not the scraps he threw me on the floor. Now when I am sad, I call a friend. I cry, I wail, I write in my journal, I walk. I let it out and move on. Feelings pass. I am sorry you are so hurt. Be gentle with yourself and learn from the experience.
Please try to be compassionate with yourself. You had what I would call an emotional relapse- read about it in "Beyond Co-Dependency." (Melodie Beattie). I am going through divorce now too- and it is d*** hard! I've had to really look at myself as human- and accept that there are times when it's just so hard emotionally. It's ok to cry- to feel the sadness and weight of all of it. But- you may want to think about who you become vulnerable with. In my case, I knocked my head against a wall trying to "get through" to my STBXAH many more times than I want to admit. I finally realized it was useless. He is not a recovering alcoholic or even capable of being there for me emotionally, and hasn't been for years. He's extremely inconsistent too- so if he was nice- like you- I'd eat it up like manna from heaven. I need more. I need consistency. I want to eat from the buffet- not the scraps he threw me on the floor. Now when I am sad, I call a friend. I cry, I wail, I write in my journal, I walk. I let it out and move on. Feelings pass. I am sorry you are so hurt. Be gentle with yourself and learn from the experience.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I did not truly start to heal until I let go. No trips together, no plans for holidays together, no old times, no new times.
I continued to have really horrible times until I let. go. It is as pajarito says: it's a relapse. It's likely triggered by the false hope given to you around Thanksgiving. That turned out to be a mirage......so you dust yourself off and try again.
It's not the end of your healing. Be gentle with yourself.
For what it's worth, I agree with anvilhead. My spidey-sense tells me that he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, and I expect that when he has what he wants from you (money and freedom) the mister-nice-guy act will be done in a big hurry.
But unless you're willing to accept that he wants a divorce and move on, you will be on this rollercoaster ride indefinitely....I'd hate to see that, but sometimes we have to go through that to really learn the lesson. There are people here who've been through similar things - it just sometimes takes some really bad experiences to make the lesson sink in.
Divorce is hard. But if it frees you and your kids from the prison of alcoholic chaos and uncertainty, and you can stop being jerked around on the end of his rope as you are, isn't it worth the temporary pain of getting through it?
Good luck and hugs
GL
I continued to have really horrible times until I let. go. It is as pajarito says: it's a relapse. It's likely triggered by the false hope given to you around Thanksgiving. That turned out to be a mirage......so you dust yourself off and try again.
It's not the end of your healing. Be gentle with yourself.
For what it's worth, I agree with anvilhead. My spidey-sense tells me that he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, and I expect that when he has what he wants from you (money and freedom) the mister-nice-guy act will be done in a big hurry.
But unless you're willing to accept that he wants a divorce and move on, you will be on this rollercoaster ride indefinitely....I'd hate to see that, but sometimes we have to go through that to really learn the lesson. There are people here who've been through similar things - it just sometimes takes some really bad experiences to make the lesson sink in.
Divorce is hard. But if it frees you and your kids from the prison of alcoholic chaos and uncertainty, and you can stop being jerked around on the end of his rope as you are, isn't it worth the temporary pain of getting through it?
Good luck and hugs
GL
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Oh, sweetie!
((((felicidade))))
So many hugs and good thoughts coming your way.
I've felt the crazy come out of me, before, too. It is terrifying and humbling.
Sometimes it is so hard to live in the moment - to enjoy what I have, right now, without worrying about what I will have in the future or longing for what I had in the past.
I sense some of this difficulty in your post.
It's hard when what's happening doesn't line up with what you want.
I'm trying to open myself to the belief that all is happening as it should.
A good counselor helped me so much.
They say that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved - I'd love to help share your burden today.
Know that you are good and loved.
-TC
((((felicidade))))
So many hugs and good thoughts coming your way.
I've felt the crazy come out of me, before, too. It is terrifying and humbling.
Sometimes it is so hard to live in the moment - to enjoy what I have, right now, without worrying about what I will have in the future or longing for what I had in the past.
I sense some of this difficulty in your post.
It's hard when what's happening doesn't line up with what you want.
I'm trying to open myself to the belief that all is happening as it should.
A good counselor helped me so much.
They say that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved - I'd love to help share your burden today.
Know that you are good and loved.
-TC
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Wow.. I found that each time I fell it was easier to get back up and quicker to recover. Try not to think of the money, if the law says our partners are entitled to it I think it's better to just let it go, along with all the anger and resentment. Your sanity depended on getting out, now it depends on letting go. It was a natural progression for me.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
. . . and you teach? So do I. It's sometimes surreal to be going through so much turmoil in my personal life and then to have to "hide it" in front my students. . . argh!
Take care of yourself and I hope you will keep coming here. I've found that sharing here really helps put things into perspective. It's also helped me to settle down when I feel like I am losing it. ((()))
Take care of yourself and I hope you will keep coming here. I've found that sharing here really helps put things into perspective. It's also helped me to settle down when I feel like I am losing it. ((()))
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I've found this board invaluable when I am struggling.
It is so beautiful to be reminded that care and love are available to me - I need only look in the right place. And ask.
Prayers for peace are headed your way, felicidade.
-TC
It is so beautiful to be reminded that care and love are available to me - I need only look in the right place. And ask.
Prayers for peace are headed your way, felicidade.
-TC
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
Teach for Sanity
Originally Posted by Pajarito 
. . . and you teach? So do I. It's sometimes surreal to be going through so much turmoil in my personal life and then to have to "hide it" in front my students. . . argh!
((()))
((()))
I'm not crying.
Thank you all so much.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 46
Fedicidade -- If your husband has insisted on divorce throughout this process -- I think you have to consider that as his ultimate decision and choice for your marriage. In spite of counseling, good times, good talks -- he has really chosen to legally disentangle.
My divorce was just finalized a few weeks ago. I know more than anyone about putting one foot in front of the other and taking slow steps toward the codie recovery that I know I need.
In spite of everything that my AXH did -- I hoped and prayed and struggled and wished that we would not end up divorced. Unlike your husband, mine is not in recovery.
The bottom line for me was that he made it clear that he wanted out. I could have slowed down the divorce, but no amount of talking, therapy, etc would have changed his mind. I understood the kind of "crazy" he was offering up, and knew, ultimately, that it wasn't compatible with a long-term relationship.
You have to make your own choices and set your own limits and boundaries. Whatever your choices are, don't beat yourself up when you backslide. That just feeds your low self-esteem. Understand that you are human, you will make mistakes and you will get past them. If I do something I shouldn't like pick up the phone and call him, I try to recognize that as something I obviously had to do, in order to ensure that I had made the right decision based on where I was at that moment. (I called him, he was a jerk, thank God I kicked him out.)
My divorce was just finalized a few weeks ago. I know more than anyone about putting one foot in front of the other and taking slow steps toward the codie recovery that I know I need.
In spite of everything that my AXH did -- I hoped and prayed and struggled and wished that we would not end up divorced. Unlike your husband, mine is not in recovery.
The bottom line for me was that he made it clear that he wanted out. I could have slowed down the divorce, but no amount of talking, therapy, etc would have changed his mind. I understood the kind of "crazy" he was offering up, and knew, ultimately, that it wasn't compatible with a long-term relationship.
You have to make your own choices and set your own limits and boundaries. Whatever your choices are, don't beat yourself up when you backslide. That just feeds your low self-esteem. Understand that you are human, you will make mistakes and you will get past them. If I do something I shouldn't like pick up the phone and call him, I try to recognize that as something I obviously had to do, in order to ensure that I had made the right decision based on where I was at that moment. (I called him, he was a jerk, thank God I kicked him out.)
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by felicidade
OK. I made it throughI 75 minutes on the supreme court in foreign policy and another 45 min on the Sufi's.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
dont feel bad im sure everybody has had those crazy moments
my "crazy" lies dormant until im around my xah, then it just seems to fly right out of me, ive embarassed myself more times than i care to count when it comes to him
if he truly wanted to be with you then he wouldnt need a divorce first, sounds like hes playin games, i know it hurts, but do you really want to be with someone that can make you act so crazy? thats the question i remind myself of anytime i even have a little thought of my xah
:ghug3
my "crazy" lies dormant until im around my xah, then it just seems to fly right out of me, ive embarassed myself more times than i care to count when it comes to him
if he truly wanted to be with you then he wouldnt need a divorce first, sounds like hes playin games, i know it hurts, but do you really want to be with someone that can make you act so crazy? thats the question i remind myself of anytime i even have a little thought of my xah
:ghug3
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