Dixie24

Hi everyone. I stumbled across this site and have been lurking for several days. Today is day 6 without a drink. I am not really sure if I am an alcoholic or not, but I know that I have a drinking problem. I have a high profile job and have never missed a day of work due to alcohol, or been at work under the influence. Nevertheless, I drink most days, usually on the sly from hubby. He may see the glass or two of wine that I have with dinner, but not the extra little bottles that I have stashed in the closet and nip from. I had one DWI about 20 years ago, and stopped drinking and driving. That just means I drink at home alone, usually. The worse thing is that I am outwardly so successful and respectable, yet I do these sneaky things in order to be able to drink, like hide bottles and then get rid of them in public trash receptacles (just in case an animal gets in to my garbage or something). Last week I went to my DR. and he told me that I had slightly elevated liver enzymes, but that it was not of concern because it could be from taking a tylenol the night before. (I had wine the evening before). So, I am pretty scared. I haven't had a drink and have been exercising and eating well. I have told my husband that I am on a diet and trying to eat healthy, which is why I refused the wine that was offered on THanksgiving (when I normally would be all over that). Anyway, I would not ever be able to go to a meeting due to the fear of someone seeing me, so this is my alternative. I feel pretty good so far...Thanks for listening.

endzoner

welcome to SR Dixie , were glad your here , your not alone in your situation there are so many closet drinkers in here , Im sure many of them will follow along and post and share there experiences , so stick around and read , theres a chat room too pending on the time and day theres someone in there to visit with , :ghug3 endzy

Eleison

Welcome.
You've come to a great place.

adore79

Hi dixie welcome. Closet drinker here too, it is nice not having to hide and lie about my drinking anymore. Congrats on your sober time!

Sugah

Hi, Dixie, and welcome.

The meetings I go to (most of which are "open meeting" -- anyone can attend, alcoholic or not) are full of "high profile" folks -- doctors and nurses, lawyers, school teachers & administrators, as well as "regular folk."

I, too, have a "high profile" in my community, and my recovery status (though not my AA membership status) has come to light with no repercussions (except for positive ones). It's my experience that most folks don't care about your drinking so long as you're doing something about it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

lisa t

Hi Dixie & welcome from a fellow new yorker...you are in the right place...toward the end of my drinking career i spent the majority of my time drinking at home alone...wine drinker as well...always worrying about how much was in the bottle...do i need to stop at the liquor store after work...is the liquor store open...starting around 2 pm every day i was making the plan to make sure i had enough. i have a very public profile here in my community and it's a small one to boot but i have found nothing but positive feedback from my employers and everyone else...before i started my journey in recovery i was on the verge of losing my job, but if you had asked me at the time i would have said everything was just fine and nobody knew...boy was i surprised how many people actually did know. anyway, now when i see people around town they want to know... did i lose weight, get a haircut, get a new outfit...it's quite amusing...i just tell them nope gave up the booze, it's amazing what it can do for you!! the rooms of AA saved my life!!! i highly recommend the program to everyone!! i wish you congratulations on beginning your journey and peace & serenity along the way!
Keep coming back!!
Lisa

IO Storm

Welcome Dixie24!!

The first thing of concern to me is..did you tell your doctor of your drinking history?

I did have cirhhosis..from beer only. And I only drank for four years when I received

the diagnosis. I don't mean to scare you..but that fact that you are here means

you care about yourself. Not everyone has to hit a horrible bottom.

AA saved me. Check out the forums..there is a lot of information here for

you. And..don't be afraid. You've made the right decision.

Hugs

Dixie24

Thanks for the welcome. No, I didn't tell my doctor everything. I did say that I was a "social" drinker. My liver function came back "normal with slightly elevated enzymes" so I am going to stop drinking, keep eating right and excersizing. (that is the plan anyway). I do believe in AA, anything that works for a person. However, I am not comfortable with that for me (not yet anyway). My work hasn't suffered. I have continually climbed the career ladder with not a bump. Although, I am sure that it would eventually suffer. What has suffered most is my own self-esteem. I want to be as proud of myself in my personal life as I am my professional life. I want to plan an outing with my little girl without obsessing over if I am going to be able to have a drink later. I want to be able to be happy when my husband comes home early, and not be bummed because he came home before I could down another drink. That all seems so bizarre to me intellectually, but it is the brutal, unspoken (except for here now I guess!) truth.

Jack2000

Hey Dixie! Well I have to say that reading your post reminded me of me. Although I was not a closet drinker...not sure if that's good or bad. I just let it out there in from of God and everyone else. Anyways, wine was a big vice for me as well. I would thin the same things that you were thinking...do I have to stop at the liqour store...how much is left in the wine bottle and do I need more...or going and buying 2 bottles at a time and wipin'em out in one night...or better yet..I would buy the really big bottles of wine and wipe those out in one night. Wine never stood a chance if I was around. I amnot sure what it was about wine...the buzz or what? I just loved the way it made me feel. And yes, I would mostly drink it alone at home. Then I would feel guilty for drinking so much the next day. Sometimes I wouldn't even remember drinking the entire bottle. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone. I am a newcomer as well and have found this website and the people extremely supportive. I hope you stick around. It has really helped me decompress. And sometimes it's nice to talk to people are going through the same thing...ya know. For sure stick around. I'm sure you can find some things in here that will help...i did. See ya!:ghug3

Hevyn

Welcome Dixie! The problem is that your drinking will likely escalate to a more dangerous level. As I'm sure you know, it's a progressive disease. In my 20's & 30's I was just like you. I drank way more than everyone & would obsess about it's availability, etc. It was on my mind constantly & I became it's slave in the end. When I came to SR I was in a terrible place. I couldn't imagine giving up my beloved booze, but I knew I had to, I was looking death square in the eye. I'd hide it in my closet too, & my husband would come home with our evening's "supply", thinking that was all I'd have, when really I was 10 drinks or more ahead of him. In the end, it was never enough - I couldn't be without it - drank all through the night, or I'd wake up with the shakes. Not saying that would happen to you, but if you keep going the way you were, it could. Congratulations for your decision to break free of the chains. Let us know how you're doing. Love, Joanie

Horselover

Welcome Dixie and thanks for being so honest. I traveled your road and then kept going. Hope you put a stop to it now. It will progress and don't feel ashamed here because if we haven't done it ourselves we know someone that has. Very nonjudgmental group here. Again welcome!!

Fiona630

Hi Dixie!

I too would hide a lot of my drinking. If my husband and I were having cocktails at home and I would go get us a beer...I would say I was going to the bathroom and slam one down before bringing back our beers. When he goes hunting I USED to drink what was in the fridge, go run out and replace it all..I would count before I drank so I would know how much to replace and hubby wouldnt notice. In winter I would hide bottles of wine outside and sip on them after the hubby went to bed. We go to the bar, Id slip in shots at the bar when he wasnt looking...lots of hiding that Im trying not to do anymore.

As for health issues...I had pancreatitis summer of 07. I was in the hospital for a week. Took me another month after that to start feeling better. Pancreatitis comes from mainly drinking...or stones...i didnt have stones but we had been drinking daily for about 2 weeks straight. The dr said I didnt look like ur typical alcoholic that gets pancreatitis...gee, thats nice..so what should I look like? But did I learn from that? Nope, I drank after that anyways...Ive got 3 days sober...one day at a time. Keep exercising..im starting that up Monday. U can do it!

Toomutch

Welcome Dixie!

So many of the stories above as well as yours describes me. Please keep posting; we are all in this together.

Dixie24

Wow, I can't believe that so many people do the same crazy stuff that I have done. So much energy put into protecting alcohol that could be put into things much more productive. For example, I recently went on a cruise and would take every opportunity to "take a walk" by myself and hit one bar for a quick drink, then another. I knew that it was all on our room card, so I made triple sure that I got the bill, and not my husband. Of course, that aggravation got in the way of enjoying the trip. I think that right now I am wondering how I am going to "have fun" without drinking (not that it was usually much fun in the end anyway...) I guess I am so used to numbing myself. I dumped all of the wine out in my house earlier this week and am home with my little girl so I know I won't be drinking tonight. I lit a fire and am going to sit in front of it and drink a cup of tea and roast some chestnuts. Why does that little voice tell me that a glass of wine would be more relaxing? Fiona, good luck. Have you tried this before?

Hevyn

Expect it to feel strange in the beginning, but things will improve as you learn to live your life in a different way. This will be my first sober holiday season in a very long time & I'm trying to remember what a blur it all was the last few years. I can't say I really enjoyed it or got anything meaningful out of it. I don't know why I clung to the idea that I had to drink or nothing would be fun.

Fiona630

Dixie,
I was trying to be sober back in October. (I stayed sober in the summer of 07 for about 3 months. Was sober in Jan 08-march 08..so i keep trying)I was doing pretty good. But I went out one evening with the hubby, thinking I could control this, and had a few drinks...I did control it then..so i thought..but then the urge to want to drink after that night was back. I fought that off and we had some cocktails at home a couple weeks after that..not many...so I thought I won again..then the night before thanksgiving, I didnt even try to control it..so its pretty obvious that it controls me. Someone in another thread said to me about alcohol controling us...and it is so true. I have no control after that first drink. My only way out is to not use alcohol at all. And I finally see that now. So that is my goal. Sober holidays. I have had a sober new years before...and it actually wasnt bad. The hiding the drinking is just so stupid of me. Im ashamed of that. I would make mixed drinks and do what I have read others doing...sneaking in and adding more alcohol to their drinks. I like this site. I have a lot more in common with people here than I do with others I have been friends with for years. Here, they understand and dont judge. Here I dont feel alone. I can talk of the things I did, knowing someone out there did the same thing...I wasnt the only drunken idiot. But talking about what I have done with people I know around me I have not done yet. It feels safer around fellow alcoholics.

A fire and tea...that sounds nice. I have noticed a few other tea drinkers..is that the choice of drink for us people going sober? I like tea too. Love the sleepytime tea! I think I will have some in a bit when Im done with homework.

Congrats on 6 days sober Dixie!

coffeenut

Lots of your story sounds like mine, Dixie. What I do know is this: the longer you are sober the BETTER it gets. I worried about many of the same things that you did. I also have quit without AA. While I definitely think the support of AA is positive, I also believe IF you are highly motivated, you can do this without it. SR is invaluable. Best of wishes.

Dixie24

Thanks. It is really helpful for me to know that I am not alone, that others that seem like such decent people have done the same ridiculous things. Not so sure if the tea will be a help...but it can't hurt! (no calories!)

lisa t

dixie...hang in there..if there is one thing you aren't...it's alone! wishing you a peaceful night...tea does help..for me it was more the comfort of having something in my hand where the wine glass used to be..alot of habits that needed changing...please post tomorrow and let us know how you're doing!

fiona...you hang in there too!

thoughts & prayers for both of you!

Lisa

CarolD

Wellcome to our recovery community
6 days is a good beginning.

As I am sure you realize...being a sober Mom
is the best gift you can give your daughter.

Blessings to you and your family