RosieM

My xah lives in another state. I moved away last summer after he had a horrible wreck while drunk. We've been divorced about six months. He's getting ready to serve his 2 years of house arrest and drove down to see me last weekend. He says he's been sober since June. The wreck was in February.

While he seems to be more candid about his drinking than ever before, the fact that he was still drinking after the wreck is very telling to me. He's been through a couple of programs and will almost certainly be doing court-ordered rehab.

Here's the thing, I guess - I do enjoy talking to him and he seems to want to be able to communicate with me. Is that bad? I can't say that I trust him at all, expecially when it comes to telling the truth about the alcohol. But it is nice when he calls and asks about my day and shares some of the silly trivial things that happen in his life as well. Since he will be unable to travel, we sure won't be seeing each other for a long while. Is it wrong to indulge myself in a little familiar communication with him?

Just a little lonely, I guess. Thanks for any advice. R.

RosieM

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Thank you so much - R.

denny57

Hi Rosie

I don't know. If I were talking to someone and gave the reason it was because I was a little lonely, I'd try to find ways to be less lonely. In the past I could talk myself into anything - that I enjoyed xAH's conversation, etc. - because that was easier than changing.

Volunteering helps me get out of myself. When I feel good about what I am contributing to the world I'm less likely to settle for less than I deserve myself.

((( )))

catlovermi

I always thought if I got into this type of situation that I'd make an executive decision to go no contact (if no shared kids were involved necessitating contact) for a min 12-24 months to see if the change were real, and internally driven. If it is, then that wait period will not affect the ability to reconnect. If it's not, then the "recovery" will likely crash and burn before then and I'll have saved myself from another swim in the alligator infested moat.

24 months seems to be a sort of magical reset time for a lot of things. For example, many people I've worked with took this amount of time to grieve through a process such as death of a spouse. It takes a while for real change to be real, and in the meantime, why jump back in?

Just my way of thinking of this...

TakingCharge999

RosieM

If it is an innocent chat with NO EXPECTATIONS I guess it is OK

If by any chance there is any little hope in your heart please make new friends or resort to old ones when you feel lonely! Why be tempted back to hell?

But you are the one who decides... whatever makes you feel better.

miss communicat

These two points you raised are worthy of exploration, I think.

In order for me to "enjoy" connecting with a person, I need to feel that I am respecting my selfworth, which includes the use of my time and energy. In other words, I need to feel that the person I am opening myself up to is genuine, sincere, and trustable. Otherwise, its like I am throwing myself away, wasting time dancing superficially and confusing my heart and mind.

For me to enjoy a growing friendship, it cant take place in the spin cycle.

Now, that's just me.

For you, it may be something else that you enjoy or something else that you don't trust. Perhaps you can ask yourself what it is that you want from him that you cannot trrust him to deliver. And why you want it?

denny57

Usually what makes me feel better is a short term solution. Sometimes the right choices are the most painful. It took me a long time to appreciate that. Being willing to feel the pain so that the "feel better" lasted.

equinessa

Hey Rosie, I am sorry to say this but you're already there, you and your xah ARE talking and communicating.

And that's OK if that's what you want which you seem to because you didn't yell "what the hell are you doing here, I told you I never want to see you again....we are divorced, now on your bike Jack!"

Just keep going to al-anon meetings.

RosieM

Thanks to all for your replies. I'm keeping plenty busy with meetings, classes, etc., but sometimes just like to talk to an intimate old friend who knows alot about me. I feel better after talking to him, passing a little time, but only because we chat about the stupid stuff people who have lived together can relate to - what the cat did and what's blooming in the garden and family gossip - that kind of crap.

I do appreciate the feedback- with this insane disease so often the things that feel most comfortable are the things that are the least healthy.

I did have the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with some of my family and we had some great laughs and it was a very illuminating contrast with my former life and XAH. If I could have told the woman I was last year at this time that this year Thanksgiving would be this way, I would have been very comforted and hopeful.

Anyhoo- thanks again to all y'all! R.

DII

If you enjoy talking to him...do it! Just be sure your A radar is up. Don't let the closeness of your communication cloud what you hear and see from him. If you see or hear a sign that he is using again......cut off the communication. Part of his method might be to appeal to your emotions through what he knows you can't resist and slowly reel you in..

Good luck!

Barbara52

Ok, a somewhat different perspective. Is it fair to him for you to engage in contact? Will that not lead him to want/expect more? Yes, his expectations are his to own but would you be feeding into those expectations to fulfill your need to talk to someone who knows you well?

Perhaps work on developing a new intimate friendship to take the place of the old intimate relationship that wasn't so good afterall?

RosieM

Barb, I have actually been thinking about that. It may indeed be unfair to him, although he states he understands we are divorced and I may at any time move into a phase of my life that would not include him. We are both supremely, painfully aware of our situation and what brought us here.

I'm pretty sure these talks would taper off as time goes on. But I am going to really think about what you said about being fair to him. I don't want him to have any hope for two years from now when he is mobile again. I think both of us will be a million miles down the road by then. Almost certainly in different directions.

Thank you! R.

embraced2000

play the tape all the way through, rosie. is this what you want?

dr. phil says the best indicator of future behavior is his past behavior.

it's so hard when the heart still feels love but your intellect tells you that it's not really a good idea.

i fell for it many, many times. everytime it was the same. the addiction always won.

but no one could have told me differently. i was a hard student, for sure.

good luck....i hope you make a decision that will benefit only you.

RosieM

Em, I have fallen for it many times as well, and each time I vowed it was the last. To your point, the day after he left to go back home I received a letter from the insurance company advising me that the people he injured were finalizing their claim against him. The universe keeps hitting me over the head.

I really hold out no hope that he can beat this addiction unless and if if if his court-ordered AA manages to get through his thick skull. I think Dr. Phil is right. At least that has been my experience through an unbelievable array of crises, each one worse than the last, that seemed certain to be the proverbial "bottom" I kept hearing about.

Maybe by talking to him I am only helping him to feel better about himself. I am actually fueling the sickness. In his mind, he is different from the other alcoholics. By being on speaking terms, I am reinforcing this for him. Yeah, his behavior busted up our marriage, but if we can be civil, it makes him feel less culpable. If he apologizes to the family he traumatized by driving around drunk, it makes him feel like a superior person.

Am I overthinking this? I think I might be.... maybe it's the pumpkin pie talking....

embraced2000

rosie, it's about what you want......not him.

doing what i want, without thinking about how it will effect the alcoholic makes me on the road to recovery.

if talking to the alcoholic in my life soothes me, makes me feel good, gives me solid comfort, then i will talk to him.

prob is that it doesn't work that way with my xah. talking to him just prolongs the agony for me, reminds me of how much i loved him, gets me all churned up again. all i hear is him quacking, trying to justify, control, manipulate. it really isn't him talking, it's the addiction.

that's the huge problem......the addiction, it has turned him into a survivor. and sometimes being a survivor means not so nice things....for instance.....he wants his addiction to survive beyond all costs. so he will do and say anything to have a place to live for free, not work, be fed, clothed, drink, and eventually abuse.

ohhhhh.......so sad. so very sad.

so i can't dwell on him. i have to think of only what makes me healthy.

RosieM

Since I saw him I realize I am thinking about him more and me less.

Although yesterday was so nice - with my kids and some other family - I felt their pride at the steps I've taken to shake myself loose but more than that, I really enjoyed myself and even laughed! That's the part of my life I want to nurture and grow! It's been a long time since I felt so relaxed at a family gathering.

Thanks, Em - hope you have some laughs along the way during the holidays as well. R.