Do drugs change the core of who you are?
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Do drugs change the core of who you are?
My ex is now totally rejecting my 2 girls. For the last 3 years he has been their step dad and told them he would always be there and even if me and him split he would never leave them.
Now he is just walking away. He tells his family that he still wants to be in their lives but his actions are telling a different story.
I just cant believe that this man, who I truly believe to be decent and had always put the needs and wants of our kids before ours, would just as easily walk away from them.
I could see walking away from me. But kids? I just dont get it.
He has been off the pills for 2 weeks now and I still dont see any kind of change in his behavior and this whole rehab might as well be a painting class he is taking......
Do drugs change your personality so that you are NEVER the same person again. So that your belief system has changed totally from what it used to be?
Now he is just walking away. He tells his family that he still wants to be in their lives but his actions are telling a different story.
I just cant believe that this man, who I truly believe to be decent and had always put the needs and wants of our kids before ours, would just as easily walk away from them.
I could see walking away from me. But kids? I just dont get it.
He has been off the pills for 2 weeks now and I still dont see any kind of change in his behavior and this whole rehab might as well be a painting class he is taking......
Do drugs change your personality so that you are NEVER the same person again. So that your belief system has changed totally from what it used to be?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Cassandra, I don't know the solid answer for your question, what I DO know is if I could give my bf a life time/no side effects etc. script for the pills, I would (im being sarcastic) the reason I say this, is because when he is high- he is happy, loving, gentle, kind, funny, cooperative, active, helpful.... the list goes on and on.... its only when he ATTEMPTS to stop or runs out of pills that the doctor evil comes alive.
He then is mean, vicious, empty, uncooperative,lazy, miserable, and has NO FEELING inside of him for ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know if that ever goes away or if it is part of the withdrawl part......
but it is a good indicator that he is not useing.
If he is acting otherwise happy etc, and is dismissing your children, then maybe he isn't following through with the rehab, and is useing and is just aleinating your children becuase he's taking the 'I'll take my daughter and we will be fine'- who knows with an addict,
I suppose we are all guessing all the time...
Sorry your hurting,
Cess
He then is mean, vicious, empty, uncooperative,lazy, miserable, and has NO FEELING inside of him for ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know if that ever goes away or if it is part of the withdrawl part......
but it is a good indicator that he is not useing.
If he is acting otherwise happy etc, and is dismissing your children, then maybe he isn't following through with the rehab, and is useing and is just aleinating your children becuase he's taking the 'I'll take my daughter and we will be fine'- who knows with an addict,
I suppose we are all guessing all the time...
Sorry your hurting,
Cess
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It's going to take a lot longer than two weeks to turn it around and find himself again. He has layers upon layers of crap to sift through and his attention has to be focused 100% on himself to do that.
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I dont know what to make of it anymore. I mean the rejection of the kids is just unbelievable. I feel like I dont even know him anymore
I know that he has to focus on himself in rehab but why not just say that instead of being a jerk. Why not say hey I gotta work on me and then when I can deal with I will be back for the kids.
It hurts me that my kids are stuck in the middle. They dont understand why the baby gets to spend all this time with dad and they dont.
What do you think Cess
I know that he has to focus on himself in rehab but why not just say that instead of being a jerk. Why not say hey I gotta work on me and then when I can deal with I will be back for the kids.
It hurts me that my kids are stuck in the middle. They dont understand why the baby gets to spend all this time with dad and they dont.
What do you think Cess
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No. they have NO relationship with their natural father. That is why this is so hard for them. He stepped in and filled the roll. He EARNED their love. Spent day after day just doing things with them that cultivated that relationship. I understand that he doesnt want to get back together with me ok I get that (in his eyes) it was all my fault. But the kids.
Especially when I know how he feels (the core of him) about those kids. they had a special bond. When my 13 year old first told him that she loved him he cried. I just dont understand how or why he could just throw it all away. they are so innocent in all of this...
Especially when I know how he feels (the core of him) about those kids. they had a special bond. When my 13 year old first told him that she loved him he cried. I just dont understand how or why he could just throw it all away. they are so innocent in all of this...
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This is something i've pondered as well. My son's whole personality has changed. He always suffered from a lot of selfishness but he did genuinely seem to love people and care for their feelings. it would drive him crazy if he felt that someone, especially me, was upset or hurt by him. now he doesnt care who he hurts. i do think that the brain becomes hard wired to think more about their own personal wants over other people.
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They are innocent, and unfortunatly usually adults are the ones who do the damage to children, and they pay the price for it when they grow up.
I don't know how/why/ etc. he can do that to them.
As we know, you can not make an irrational person see things rationally, so to ask him or convey to him how much he is hurting them, won't penetrate his brain.
All I can say is to plan extra special things with them when your younger one goes with him, this IS part of the problem with blended familys, kids are the ones who end up with the pain - and not the maturaty to figure out how adults are many times screwed up and that in NO WAY is it their fault.
Give them extra love.....
I was remarried at one point, (no kids together) but regardless he said he'd always be a part of his life.....
He's moved on, I've moved on, and he never sees my kids.
Sometimes they ask how come they never see/hear from him..... I told them that unfortunatly sometimes that's how life is.
We all suffer loss.... and death is one example... however, we loose things we love everyday, and there is nothing we can do to control it.
My ex is not an addict, and yet he never made attempts to see the kids, that loved him dearly while we were together.
I hope you and the kids can find some peace..... There is a good book called "lifes lessons" by kubler-ross.
It is a book about grieving, however, it dosen't pertain to physical death alone. It shows us how to cope with loss on all levels.
I highly recommend it, I reference it all the time, and have read it over and over.
Hugs,
Cass
I don't know how/why/ etc. he can do that to them.
As we know, you can not make an irrational person see things rationally, so to ask him or convey to him how much he is hurting them, won't penetrate his brain.
All I can say is to plan extra special things with them when your younger one goes with him, this IS part of the problem with blended familys, kids are the ones who end up with the pain - and not the maturaty to figure out how adults are many times screwed up and that in NO WAY is it their fault.
Give them extra love.....
I was remarried at one point, (no kids together) but regardless he said he'd always be a part of his life.....
He's moved on, I've moved on, and he never sees my kids.
Sometimes they ask how come they never see/hear from him..... I told them that unfortunatly sometimes that's how life is.
We all suffer loss.... and death is one example... however, we loose things we love everyday, and there is nothing we can do to control it.
My ex is not an addict, and yet he never made attempts to see the kids, that loved him dearly while we were together.
I hope you and the kids can find some peace..... There is a good book called "lifes lessons" by kubler-ross.
It is a book about grieving, however, it dosen't pertain to physical death alone. It shows us how to cope with loss on all levels.
I highly recommend it, I reference it all the time, and have read it over and over.
Hugs,
Cass
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Cassandra.
Speaking from personal experience, YES addiction to drugs changes the core of who you are. Before drugs, I was a person who chose to use drugs as a way to escape from my feelings. During active addiction, I was a person who used drugs to escape from her feelings - everything in the world came second to drugs.
The good thing is that recovery from drug addiction also changes the core of who you are. Now I am a person who purposely lives her life everyday to avoid relapse. I work through feelings. I don't choose to escape anymore. I have to make a conscious effort at this every day.
I am a completely different person than I was six years ago, when I first picked up a crack pipe. And I am a completely different person than I was three year years ago when I put it down permanently.
I can't go back to the person I was before and I wouldn't want to.
Do drugs change your personality so that you are NEVER the same person again. So that your belief system has changed totally from what it used to be?
The good thing is that recovery from drug addiction also changes the core of who you are. Now I am a person who purposely lives her life everyday to avoid relapse. I work through feelings. I don't choose to escape anymore. I have to make a conscious effort at this every day.
I am a completely different person than I was six years ago, when I first picked up a crack pipe. And I am a completely different person than I was three year years ago when I put it down permanently.
I can't go back to the person I was before and I wouldn't want to.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
It has changed everything about me and my family. I am the addict/alcoholic in my family and I am so much more confident now. I have real friends who love me and care about me and my family. My DH trusts me more than he ever did, even before I started to use. He really loves that I am honest about everything and that I have boundries and have a purpose driven life. I live my recovery in everything I do. My kids are laughing again. I rarely ever yell anymore and the peace seems to be the heart of the family.
I want that more than anything and I know how to get it and keep it.
I want that more than anything and I know how to get it and keep it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
I can't go back to the person I was before and I wouldn't want to.
You will never ever have that person again, whether they find recovery or not.
Have I become a better person since finding recovery? Yes. However, my addiction/alcoholism did forever change me, and like you, I don't ever want to go back to the person I was before. You can't undo what has been done, at least not in my books.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Drugs do change who the person was before but recovery can also change the person as well..
Your bf has been off pills for two weeks, thats not enough time to even get a glimps of recovery or to see changes in him.. I have been told that it will take a while after someone quits using for addictive behavior to go away.. the addictive behavior will go away once the addict starts to work on changing the way they live and cope with life on life's terms instead of on their terms..
Your bf has been off pills for two weeks, thats not enough time to even get a glimps of recovery or to see changes in him.. I have been told that it will take a while after someone quits using for addictive behavior to go away.. the addictive behavior will go away once the addict starts to work on changing the way they live and cope with life on life's terms instead of on their terms..
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
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Cassandra, you abf hasn't even touched the surface of recovery. You are expecting things way to soon. Even in treatment, there is so much involved.
Yes addiction changes the core of a person. I was told by a substance abuse counselor that my AH belief system was his problem. When we turn our will and life over to the care of God, and work the steps honestly, God (as you understand Him) makes the core of a person true, honest, and loving. His will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.
I know your angry because abf hasn't changed in 2 weeks, but it's gonna take time and only if he is willing.
~~~God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Sent with Love,
NH7
Do drugs change your personality so that you are NEVER the same person again. So that your belief system has changed totally from what it used to be?
I know your angry because abf hasn't changed in 2 weeks, but it's gonna take time and only if he is willing.
~~~God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Sent with Love,
NH7
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I have found that the best way to have serenity in my life is to accept what is.
Try not to obsess what your ex is doing or not doing for now. We learn in al-anon to keep the focus on ourselves. Just focus on yourself and what you are doing or not doing.\
He is prob. not a good influence now anyway.
Focusing on your own character defects and bringing about change in your own life will have the most positive impact on your kids. The healthier you become the less likely you
are to choose a third man who walks away from his kids.
WE only have the power and control to change our own life; this is what I have learned.
It is easy to see the character defects in an addict, but when we become reflective in our own lives and do the work ourselves from all the things we need to recover from, this is when real change can happen.
I use to choose emotionally unavailable men that had issues. The only control I had
was to heal myself and as I became emotionally healthy, so did my choices.
Change may come, in its own time. Be patient and release expectations.
Addicts are selfish as the nature of the disease. Addiction messes up the frontal lobe of the brain.
My son is in his 9 mo. of rehab. He is just now making amends. He is just now capable
of having feeling about others.
Every person takes their own route to enlightenment...or not. What others are doing
does not have to effect our desire for enlightenment.
I wish I would have gotten into therapy and al-anon when my son was young, instead of waiting until he was 18. His dad is a real piece of work. I have no control over that.
These are tough times for you. There is lots to be said for a support group that can be a blueprint for our own journey.
How wonderful that you have three children. You have many blessings.
Try not to obsess what your ex is doing or not doing for now. We learn in al-anon to keep the focus on ourselves. Just focus on yourself and what you are doing or not doing.\
He is prob. not a good influence now anyway.
Focusing on your own character defects and bringing about change in your own life will have the most positive impact on your kids. The healthier you become the less likely you
are to choose a third man who walks away from his kids.
WE only have the power and control to change our own life; this is what I have learned.
It is easy to see the character defects in an addict, but when we become reflective in our own lives and do the work ourselves from all the things we need to recover from, this is when real change can happen.
I use to choose emotionally unavailable men that had issues. The only control I had
was to heal myself and as I became emotionally healthy, so did my choices.
Change may come, in its own time. Be patient and release expectations.
Addicts are selfish as the nature of the disease. Addiction messes up the frontal lobe of the brain.
My son is in his 9 mo. of rehab. He is just now making amends. He is just now capable
of having feeling about others.
Every person takes their own route to enlightenment...or not. What others are doing
does not have to effect our desire for enlightenment.
I wish I would have gotten into therapy and al-anon when my son was young, instead of waiting until he was 18. His dad is a real piece of work. I have no control over that.
These are tough times for you. There is lots to be said for a support group that can be a blueprint for our own journey.
How wonderful that you have three children. You have many blessings.
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Amen to that. It's really difficult for me to see loved ones say 'but I just want the man/woman that I first fell in love with/married', etc etc.
You will never ever have that person again, whether they find recovery or not.
Have I become a better person since finding recovery? Yes. However, my addiction/alcoholism did forever change me, and like you, I don't ever want to go back to the person I was before. You can't undo what has been done, at least not in my books.
You will never ever have that person again, whether they find recovery or not.
Have I become a better person since finding recovery? Yes. However, my addiction/alcoholism did forever change me, and like you, I don't ever want to go back to the person I was before. You can't undo what has been done, at least not in my books.
Freedom, this post really hit home with me.
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I thank you all for your replies and the hope that it has given me.
I would truly hope that after having battled a drug addiction and gotten into recovery that you would not be the same person that you were before. That person was flawed enough to use drugs in the first place.
What I really was asking is this. My ex had certain moral views of raising kids and had been very adversly affected by the divorce of his parents. He always believed that kids are innocent and that it didnt matter they were kids. His or not. I saw this demonstrated not only in his words but his deeds as well. He was there for all of his nieces and nephews and spent the time that most dont with these kids.
That behavior is what made me be comfortable having a child with this man. I knew that even if we somehow didnt work out that he would be there for my kids. ALL of them.
So does that change?
I guess it really doesnt matter because like some many have said here until they change its like a guessing game so why play.
I know he is early into recovery. I know that I have to be patient. I know that if I saw a glimpse of who he really truly is I know he would be breaking the door down to make amends to these kids. And until that happens it is what it is. That is reality...
Dont know if it was here or not but I read that most addicts going into recovery still feel like they are in control of their doc. Whether it be they feel that they can use occassionaly, keep the same friends, or continue to deal drugs they have to allow the things that they are learning in recovery sink in to get rid of that mentality.
Does that make sense?
I would truly hope that after having battled a drug addiction and gotten into recovery that you would not be the same person that you were before. That person was flawed enough to use drugs in the first place.
What I really was asking is this. My ex had certain moral views of raising kids and had been very adversly affected by the divorce of his parents. He always believed that kids are innocent and that it didnt matter they were kids. His or not. I saw this demonstrated not only in his words but his deeds as well. He was there for all of his nieces and nephews and spent the time that most dont with these kids.
That behavior is what made me be comfortable having a child with this man. I knew that even if we somehow didnt work out that he would be there for my kids. ALL of them.
So does that change?
I guess it really doesnt matter because like some many have said here until they change its like a guessing game so why play.
I know he is early into recovery. I know that I have to be patient. I know that if I saw a glimpse of who he really truly is I know he would be breaking the door down to make amends to these kids. And until that happens it is what it is. That is reality...
Dont know if it was here or not but I read that most addicts going into recovery still feel like they are in control of their doc. Whether it be they feel that they can use occassionaly, keep the same friends, or continue to deal drugs they have to allow the things that they are learning in recovery sink in to get rid of that mentality.
Does that make sense?
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Is that surrendering? Do you just have to come to a point in treatment where you realize you cannot do it anymore? I know that some of you had drug problems and I cant even begin to imagine what that was like for you. I feel myself surrendering the simple fact that I just cant fix this. Its his to fix. Whether that be with my kids or not I have to surrender to the fact that it is his to fix and I can only try to move forward with me and my kids.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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I read that most addicts going into recovery still feel like they are in control of their doc. Whether it be they feel that they can use occassionaly, keep the same friends, or continue to deal drugs they have to allow the things that they are learning in recovery sink in to get rid of that mentality.
I encourage you to focus on YOU! What are you going to do for your recovery from his addiction today? Say nothing changes with him and he doesn't recover, how are you going to be prepared for that? Say he keeps ignoring his kids, how are you going to help them deal with that?
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