cttraveler

I really need some support and I'm looking for people going through something similar. My wife and are newly married and her mother is an alcoholic. She is tearing apart the family to the extent that her younger siblings have moved out of their house. This week was the first encouraging step. Her mother entered a detox center, however I know that there is a long road ahead. My wife visited the center and it was pretty much a terrible place. This has caused an incredible amount of guilt and unsettled feelings fro mthe past to come to the surface to the point that my wife is basically at home crying constantly. She has been in therapy for 5 years dealing with issues of her youth, so this comes as no surprise to me.

In any case, my problem is me. I don't know how to cope personally. This is not my relative, but my wife is miserable and completely distraught. I feel very alone in my own home with my own family. I'm starting to become depressed myself. I'm at my desk at work and this is the only constructive thing I've done in 3 hours.

I'm looking for pearls of wisdom, perhaps some reading to help me get through this.

Best,
Mike

LucyA

I think I can understand some of what you're going through, maybe not in the same ways though.
My brother is my A, you can click my name to see my story, so I wont go into it right now.
At first, when I realised my brother was addicted to alcohol and realised how much it would affect my own life I was adamant 'I' didn't have a problem, so you're way ahead of where I was anyway. It affects the whole family, if they let it, and if they try not to sometimes.
My mother feels responsible for her sons addiction, so does my dad. They (in my opinion) go way too far to 'try to get him straight again', sometimes (again in my opinion) at the expense of themselves and the rest of their family.
I've learned how to live with that, well, not quite, I've learned how to live my own life and not worry too much about what they are doing though.
I've tried to learn about alcohol, I've scoured every one of these boards to learn and to help myself, not my brother, mum and dad, just me. I can't help my parents stop feeling what they feel for my brother anymore than I can stop my brother drinking. Sometimes, on my bad days, it's hearbreaking, most days it's the most liberating thing I've ever done.
It sounds like really it's your wife who could do with the support from here too, maybe one day she'll find us.
Welcome to the forum by the way, it's a little slow this evening but I hear my friends in the USA have a rather big week. I'm sure someone else will be here soon with more support for you.

Bernadette

Hi Mike-
Welcome to SR!
Keep checking in- more people will respond and offer you their ES&H (experience, strength, hope).

I struggled with issues related to my alcoholic father and my childhood and now my alcoholic brothers, for many painful years. What helped me was AlAnon. The first few meetings were strange to me but I just listened and "followed directions" and soon my eyes were opened and I had some useful tools for not letting other people's (even people I adored) alcoholism cause me so much pain and confusion.

Maybe you and yr wife could try an AlAnon meeting together?

Also the books Under the Influence and Codependent No More were big eye openers for me. Also the first pieces of literature I ever picked up at my first AlAnon meeting really started to turn my thinking around.

Glad you're here- it's is tough stuff what brings us all together in search of help and answers, so just know that you are not alone in trying to figure out how to deal with the insanity that alcoholism brings to families.
Peace-
B.