Wishful Thinking

Old 11-23-2008, 06:54 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Wishful Thinking

It's been more than 5 months since my XAH and I separated and still I find myself wishing he would contact me and ask to come back. I know I was miserable the way I was living with his drinking behaviour, but I keep longing for the man he used to be. In my fantasy, he calls me up, tells me he's finally given up drinking and realized that he lost the best thing he ever had and wants to come back. Even though he stopped calling several months ago, I still feel like it's hard to move on. I was the one who asked him to leave, which he reminded me of several times, and basically said that I got what I asked for. But it's not that I ever wanted him to leave....I wanted the other woman (the bottle) to leave. The bottle won out. Does anyone out there ever have these kind of mixed feelings? And if so, what do you do when the sadness and regret hits you?

Last edited by prairiegirl; 11-23-2008 at 06:56 PM. Reason: spelling
prairiegirl is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 07:15 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
Im sure most of us have felt like this, its a vicious cycle to be caught in, the first time my xah husband left he was gone for 3 1/2 months and i wished for him back every second of that time, but the hell started over about 5-6 months after he got back, about a year or so later he left again for 5 1/2 months and again i went nuts wanting him back and missing him, he comes back and again hes good for about 6 months then my hell starts over, he sticks around almost two years this time i think, then he leaves again and this time hes been gone almost 8 months this time, yet this time has been more hell than before, i was pregnant this time, and hes been in contact on and off constantly the whole time, which has made it worse for me, at least the other times i didnt hear from him until he was ready to come back and believe me the no contact is a whole lot better than the constant back and forth hes putting me through right now

as much as it hurts we are both better off without an alcoholic in our life, when i get really really low i just turn my favorite songs on that fit whatever mood im in and i just lay there until the feeling passes or i just get busy to get my mind off my problems

from my experiance sometimes they do contact you and want to come back, but you got to ask yourself if you really want to go back through all of that, is it really worth it? i wish to god i would have let mine go the first time he left, i would be so much farther than i am now

hang in there :ghug3
veryrestless722 is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 07:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
lovesmenot74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by prairiegirl View Post
It's been more than 5 months since my XAH and I separated and still I find myself wishing he would contact me and ask to come back. I know I was miserable the way I was living with his drinking behaviour, but I keep longing for the man he used to be. In my fantasy, he calls me up, tells me he's finally given up drinking and realized that he lost the best thing he ever had and wants to come back. Even though he stopped calling several months ago, I still feel like it's hard to move on. I was the one who asked him to leave, which he reminded me of several times, and basically said that I got what I asked for. But it's not that I ever wanted him to leave....I wanted the other woman (the bottle) to leave. The bottle won out. Does anyone out there ever have these kind of mixed feelings? And if so, what do you do when the sadness and regret hits you?
Your fantasy could be mine exactly!! I so completely get what you're going thru ... i wish I knew what to tell you to make it stop ... but I haven't figured that one out yet.

I also was the one to kick him out ... and yet I feel like he's left me ... and I too, never wanted to break up or for him to leave ... I wanted him to stop lying, stealing, sneaking around, shutting me out, using drugs etc ... I wanted him to be the person I saw glimpses of ... I wanted him to be the person he was when we first got together ... I wanted him to be that person all the time ... but I saw less and less of him as time went on.

When the sadness and regret hits me, I come here, cry my eyes out, post what I'm going thru and have a whole bunch of people here to tell me it is going to be okay. Without this forum, I don't know where I'd be right now but I know it wouldn't be a good place.
lovesmenot74 is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 07:44 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Prairiegirl,
Mixed feelings is the understatement of the century! Loved him, hated him, missed him wanted to kill him, wanted to change myself to be what he wanted (so not me), wanted to slash his tires, wanted to buy him books about alcoholism, wanted to hear his voice, wanted to gut him like a fish!!!

My XABF DID call me more than once and said these things to me. So heartfelt and tearful. Oh yes...It was a dream come true..after about the third time I started to get numb to it. Before then a sledge hammer wouldn't have gotten it through my head that it was another one of his controlling pity parties.

I wanted to believe him. I prayed for him to call and tell me those words. Now I can't believe it took me so long to realize that it was all bull if he was still drinking even one beer.He can't drink. He drinks one and he can't stop. Since he's been gone he has fallen so far that I can't even recognize him as the same person he was. he was bad enough when he left, but now he isn't someone I would even want to be around.

He would say he was going to break up with his AGF, that he made the biggest mistake of his life, that he was going to do everything he could to make things right with me. Then each time, he fell off the face of the earth and I was left wondering what was going on. I know now that what was going on is what always went on. he was drinking his life away. Of course he would say he didn't drink "that much" anymore yet he would have that lilt in his voice that I am so familiar with. I could hear the ice cubes in the glass for God's sake!

I used to regret not doing more to make him happy. Of course this was early on when I was still under the false impression that it was all my fault and that I drove him away.The only regrets I have now are the times that I "helped" him. I enabled him and although it made me angry I was in self preservation mode. I needed to pay the bills and have a roof over my head and it wasn't going to be easy to do it alone. In the beginning I "helped" him because I felt bad for him and didn't want people to see that he was such a mess. In doing this I actually hurt him by cushioning him from the consequences of his actions and then had to deal with the guilt that I felt for that after he left.

I also asked him to leave several times. I told him I couldn't stand being treated like I didn't matter. The house we lived in and where I still live belongs to my father so I wasn't going anywhere. He refused to go and then one day when I was actually thinking we were ok (yeah right) he told me he was leaving me. That he was tired of living a lie and that I told him to leave before so like you I was getting what I wanted.


Your X may call you and say all the things you want to hear but if he's still drinking then he is just talking out of his A$$. I don't mean to be blunt (but I do) I'm just trying to let you know that I understand and I have been there. Its not you. It's not that you aren't worth it or that you aren't good enough or any of that. that is what he wants you to think. DON'T believe it. It's all him and the way you react if and when he does call is all you. You are the only one who can decide whether or not it's worth the pain and confusion to listen to him.

As far as moving on...there is no schedule. Trust me...its been almost four years for me and I have just begun to see him for what he really is. A sick person who refuses any and all treatment for his disease.
loner1968 is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 08:01 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I try to stay busy and focused on what is healthy for me Prairiegirl. I give thanks for the incredibly wonderful day I just had, that was stress free because I don't have his alcoholism to deal with.

I focus on my daughter and her needs that haven't been being met in the last years, and deal with my anger at myself that it was so.
Still Waters is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 08:02 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Thanks to all of you..... It really does help to know that you understand what I'm going through. It's a funny thing when you finally get the courage to say "Enough!" I'd given him an ultimatum so many times before and he would never leave, but this time for whatever reason, he did leave. Now I feel like the one who has been abandoned and have this illusion that he's out there having a wonderful life. I'll try to think about what it would really be like if he came back and it started all over again and how painful that would be, instead of dreaming of the man I wanted him to be - the one I caught glimpses of every so often. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me! This Forum really does help.

Last edited by prairiegirl; 11-23-2008 at 08:03 PM. Reason: spelling
prairiegirl is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 08:18 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I know about the visions of him having the perfect life..you know...because he TOLD me he was. And rubbed it in my face all the great things he was doing with HER and all the fun they were having and all the things they had. All fake! just a way to try to convince himself that he's better off. I'm so glad I saw through it all. People on here told me that alcoholics only get worse and for a long time I didn't believe it was always true. I knew he went to Florida and got a truck and had dinner in fancy places. I later realized that it was what I call champagne taste on a beer budget. Oh well...now I know and I don't bother keeping track of him or thinking about his great life with some drunk woman who is "better" than I am, whatever. I have no desire to live like that.
It's normal to feel like you have been abandoned. Its stinks, but it's normal. Just think about yourself and don't abandon yourself like I did. I didn't care about anything. I became a zombie. I don't even know how I got through the first year. I hope you find peace sooner than I did. I didn't find this site for a long time after he left so I had no idea that I was not alone.
loner1968 is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 08:29 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Loner1968, I appreciate your 'bluntness' so don't worry. I need to hear the truth, even though I may not always like it. You summed up my feelings when you said you felt like you 'drove him away' and that you told him you 'couldn't stand being treated like you didn't matter.'

I think the worst part of living with my XAH was that no matter how much I did for him, I just felt like I didn't matter. What I'm sure we all want to feel is special and cherished. But to bend ourselves out of shape for someone as we ride the roller coaster of their addiction with them, thinking that we'll be appreciated for it is an exercise in futility. Then to have them leave and turn on us as if we're the problem and they have to get away from us is the ultimate is such a slap in the face. I understand it's probably what they have to tell themselves to justify their leaving, but still it doesn't feel very good.
prairiegirl is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 08:40 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Prairiegirl- I really believe that IF our addicts were to clean themselves up the first person they would thank would be US. Why you ask? Because when we kicked them out of their cushy lives it was like opening up a scab and all of their crap they had been hiding now is oozing. They are oozing without us. They know it. That is why some take the time to call you up and tell you how GREAT their lives are or contact someone you know and tell them the same thing knowing they will tell you.

No addict wants to be with a stronger person then themselves. It just draws attention to their own failures. To their own realty of not being able to fix their problems. That is why they stay gone. Believe me they are worse off then we are because now they dont have the person that was loving them because of who they were. That is painful. So painful that most continue to use. To make that pain go away. We are lucky we have forums like this where we can find true understanding and acceptance.

Addicts are to scared to find that. And when they do when they can face that reality that is when they look for understanding and acceptance too.
cassandra2 is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 09:07 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Wow, Cassandra2, that gave me goose bumps. My ex even said not long before he left that he experienced me as being too strong. I now know what he meant. Our strength makes them feel their weakness and emphasizes their failures, you're right. I like how you say that is why they stay gone. I had a similar thought some time ago and that was....if he really had gotten his life together, I probably would have heard from him by now because I'm sure we would be the first they would want to know if they were sober. They'd want us to know they finally had the strength to do it. The fact that I haven't heard anything probably indicates his life is not as great as he would like me to believe. Afterall, as you said, they no longer have the person that loved them despite all their problems.
prairiegirl is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 09:21 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Sometimes, for me atleast, I tell myself those things to get myself through a difficult moment. When I start to question my decision in asking him to leave I replay it over and over and always end up with the same conclusion I couldnt live like that.

I really think my ex was angry that I asked him to leave and thought "screw her, I will show her that I dont need her and that I can make it on my own" hence the MY LIFE IS GREAT statements I got. But then reality starts to set in and they realize they really arent happy and that it wasnt you it was them. The same journey we travel when we realize it wasnt us it was them.

I truly believe that if the relationship was great before drugs/alcohol then that was the problem. When they figure it out they at the very least will come back to let you know that. They would have to in order to make amends.

I also learned to stop expecting things. If I expected him to feel a certain way and he didnt I was crushed. I expected him to be better after a week in rehab. He isnt. I was crushed. Now moving forward if I stop expecting anything other then what I have been getting with him its easier for me. If he changes I will be SURPRISED. If he doesnt change I will ACCEPT it.
cassandra2 is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 09:33 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
I think if/when we ask them to leave and they decide to go, they are not going willingly and they are angry about it. Why would they want to go when they've gotten all their needs met for so long, while they continue to do what they're doing, giving little back in return? I don't know if this is common, but my ex was very vindictive. If I did something that made him angry, boy would I pay for it. In this case, I think he basically said the same....."Oh yeah? I'll show her. She'll be sorry she ever asked me to leave!" I remember he used to tell me if I kept up my nagging about his drinking I would be very alone one day, and I'd regret that I didn't appreciate him.
prairiegirl is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 09:40 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I never experienced his anger until after he left. He was angry for a few days but then he went into the mode of how everything is great.

2 weeks ago I requested that he get his stuff out of the house. That really set him off. He came into our home and selectively took certain items and leaving others behind. He took our computer knowing I needed it for school (I guess you could say that is vindictive) so I shut his phone off and then he got even more angry. Then I couldnt even come into his sisters house to get our daughter I had to stand on the porch. He couldnt even speak to me just grunted the next day to drop her off.

Now he is in rehab and I know that he is not totally in it because I found out he called his docs office for a refill on his oxy's. I know that he is gonna sell that script because he has NO job and NO way to pay Dec rent. So I am sure he is angry about that too.

But I have hope that at some point he will just get sick and tired of being angry, sick and tired of being/acting like an addict and just surrender to recovery. As long as he is going to rehab there is still hope. Kinda like here where you read something and it hits you just the right way and you have a better understanding.
cassandra2 is offline  
Old 11-24-2008, 07:05 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
My husband knows all the answers, and the answer is that I'm the problem, not him. So it was always, "you do this for me, or you leave". Well, I left so I expect he should be quite happy now that the problem is gone.
Still Waters is offline  
Old 11-24-2008, 10:51 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
I can relate to always being considered the problem. It doesn't feel good after awhile. Thanks to all of you for helping me understand! I am very grateful to all of your responses. I feel stronger now.
prairiegirl is offline  
Old 11-24-2008, 11:02 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by prairiegirl View Post
I can relate to always being considered the problem. It doesn't feel good after awhile. Thanks to all of you for helping me understand! I am very grateful to all of your responses. I feel stronger now.
What that did to me, was make me question my sanity. I second guessed every move I made, every decision, every thought. I finally had to leave, and this was the reason it was poorly planned, I just couldn't think well. And I was terrified that if I didn't just pack up and do it, I would second guess myself into not doing it at all.

We aren't the problem. We have our own problems, yes. But we aren't the cause of theirs.
Still Waters is offline  
Old 11-24-2008, 12:52 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I think it has everything to do with control. My XABF wanted to be the one to end it. He had to be the one to say this is where it ends. I think this because of the way he acted towards me and one specific thing he said after he as gone. He said "You are just pissed because I was the one that decided to end it and you didn't" OK....Even though he sounded like a drunken 12 year old when he said it I guess he could be right in a way.
I was mad that I never MADE him leave. When I told him I wanted him to go he threatened to break everything I owned and to "twist my cat's head off" Real nice guy huh? So yeah maybe I was pissed that he got to make the decision to skate off into a new life while I was left with all the bills and trying to figure it all out.
Yuck, I think back on all the mean things he said to me and realize he is treating someone else (and her daughter) the same way or worse.
And yes I was also the problem. I'm sure we are all pretty familiar with how it feels to wonder how you are not good enough for a lazy. drunken, lying, cheating, abusive LOSER! I felt like the biggest sack of crap. No way in my life would I EVER let ANYONE talk to me like the way I let him. And to be convinced that it was MY fault...crazy!
loner1968 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:19 PM.