drained22

alkie friend asked me to goto her younger sister's play. her sister personally requested me to come. she said this never happened to any of her other friends. ( I wonder why).

well that plan got messed up, she had a fight over a eggroll she ate that belonged to her sister. well I wanted to do something like stay at her house and just hang out. she had her own plans. I knew it was too early to see her but her sister requested me. (her younger sister even said she thought I was nice).

well I thought I would talk to her about reading about alcoholism (this is when she was drinking a new alcoholic sport drink in my car). go figure.

she said she was interested, I told her about alcoholic personalities, behavior and what they do. she said to email her the links so she can read it.

we were going to go to a dive bar which I told her I didn't want to take her to some piece of garbage place. she said she'll just hang out without drinking, well that went out the window and she called her drug dealer friend to come out. I knew it from there that it was going to be a horrible night.

she did coke,weed and got drunk. I wasn't having any fun, I spent 5 hours just laying there feeling depressed, she asked me "why I was being so distant?" , well it doesnt take a Ph.D in physics to figure that out.

we met some other individuals at the place, one was a cop but he didnt smoke but he knew what was going on. so we got out at 4, I kept telling her I had to be at work by 6, it fell on deaf years. I knew she wouldnt care.

before we arrived at the place, she got sensitive, she told me how she cares about me but I just ignored it because I remember alcoholics can't love anyone when they love alcohol. the people at the bar weren't the best. shady to say the least. she also said that I treat her better than I should and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

to shorten my story. besides being emotionally and mentally destroyed in seeing her getting felt up by guys she was talking to, she gave her # to this guy infront of me. a ahour later she danced with some guy and when we were about to leave he asked her "if she wanted sex, she said no, then he asked if it was drugs." she said no.

talk about unhealthy people.

I'm totally against these kind of people. this is when I realized I'm not in a good situation, I don't like driving people I heavily dislike to places I don't want to go and do things I don't want to do.

I'm at a worse point than I was before I came here, I don't have fun with her, its just one depressing day after another. I'm heavily thinking of going to al anon but I don't know what to expect. I just want her to get better but I know she isn't going anywhere fast.

her mother gave me her phone number, I was thinking of calling her to talk about her daughter. (she is the one who told me the other aspects of her alcoholism that I couldn't have known like her sister is going to college at a different state because she doesnt want to see her sister).

would that be crossing a line? I need to talk to someone who really knows and understand what I'm going through, her friends think she is a party girl yet one of her friends which is the only one I like said she drinks too much too.

Freedom1990

What exactly do you hope to accomplish by talking to her mother?

You're not going to change your friend.

I see absolutely not one single solitary positive thing you are getting from this 'friendship'.

The only thing you can change is you, and the choices you make in your life.

You can make healthier choices for yourself, you know.

Alanon would be a very good starting point.

drained22

I know she won't change nor can I change her, I'm not trying to.

she has to reach rock bottom and the only way is if she has nothing, IE. getting kicked out of her house.

Rainbowsend

If you were getting up at 6 why did you have to stay till 4?

Kimmieh

I just wanted to say please be careful because when illegal drugs are around, you might get into trouble just for being there, especially when there are people who are not trustworthy. You can also use this as a reason to remove yourself from the situation if you feel you need one.

I am very particular about staying away from places that could get me in trouble in whatever way. You never know.

MissFixit

Drained,

Maybe it is a good thing that you see that you don't like being around those situations.

What would you say to a best friend, sister, brother who wrote what you posted?

Sounds like you know what you don't like, so how about thinking about what you do like and do that instead. If you recognize (as you wrote) that you cannot change her, then perhaps you might focus on doing what you like to do with the kinds of people you are comfortable being around or simply spending a little time alone.

This is just food for thought.

loner1968

Drained,
I remember that feeling of not wanting to be there but not wanting to leave. Maybe you were waiting for the "fun" to begin? Or maybe you were making sure she was ok? Keeping an eye out is what I always did. I was always miserable and on puke patrol.

I don't know what your thoughts are but your post really brought back memories of the past for me. Not good ones either. I can tell by your post that you know it's not a good situation.

I think your "friend" is disrespectful. She's also an addict so it comes with the package. Please don't take this wrong but if you don't like the way she acts then you should not drive her to those places and witness it. It only hurts you. she doesn't care how you feel. Its not going to matter what you do as far as she is concerned but as far as YOU are concerned you might MIGHT feel better if you don't involve yourself if these potentially dangerous and hurtful situations.

I can only say this because I spent countless hours rooted to some smelly sofa or sitting in the car wasting my gas to basically try to ease my own mind that my drunk was ok. Yeah....If I had left him lying in his own vomit even ONCE maybe he would have felt stupid. But no....I was always there to pick him up and drag him somewhere safe. Not saying I didn't "accidentally" rip his clothes or pull his hair really hard (or steal some of his money that he would say he lost in the bar anyway) during my helping but whatever...he never knew and I was a mess.

drained22

loner, I was making sure she was okay. she left with the friends we picked up. she left with a upper aged woman who she knew so I felt she would be okay but I never know for sure. I wanted to wait so I can drop her home but she still wanted to hang out with these undesirables.

she was in the car and I was shaking her hand (as a kind of look what you did) and she kissed me hand.

Rainbowsend

I know it's difficult but you can't be her keeper and watch her 24-7. What about your health?

prodigal

You could have left and gone home.

You could have left and gone home.

You could have left and gone home. BTW, just what is it that's making you healthier than these folks by hanging around them, watching them get boozed and doped up? And please don't tell me you're healthier because you aren't joining in the festivities. Again, you could have left and gone home. Your friend sounds like she has plenty of user friends. She could have gotten a ride with them.

You have mentioned you are emotionally destroyed several times. People can only destroy me if I allow them to do so. You're hanging out with people whose lifestyle you don't approve of, you consider their habits unhealthy, and yet you keep hanging around doing something you don't want to do.

Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to go anywhere or do anything.

Perhaps you should consider taking care of your business on your side of the street. Her mother is likely aware of her daughter's problems. You might want to consider asking yourself why you go along with doing things you hate to do.

drained22

I just wish she would get better already so I can meet the real her. shes alot of fun when shes sober but thats only last when I pick her up until she wants to stop at the mobil gas station for a beer.

there are self esteem issues, she checks her make up, always dresses nice. she said she puts alot of make up on.

she even told me that when she was younger that she was a outcast but now they all think shes a party girl.

Freedom1990

I have found that often what I see in other people that I think they need to fix is often a mirror of myself.

I know when I had self esteem issues, I certainly picked less than desirable people to hang with, and picked less than desirable mates.

Just some food for thought.

drained22

the technical term is psychological dependence, frequent intoxication to relieve stresses, get a mood change or to relieve pain.

There is alot of pain in this girl, deep down she wants people to like her yet shes caught up in all this mess.

loner1968

You gotta let this girl find her own way. You will not make her see the light. If being around her is destroying you then you can't be there for anyone at all. Please think of yourself...BE SELFISH but in a positive way. You can take the energy you are spending on her and be a good friend to a person who will treat you with respect and not act like a tool. yes....I said tool!!!

prodigal

The point is here, drained, that every time any of us directly address what it is YOU are doing, which I why I assume you are posting here, you talk right past us.

I understand she's an addict, she's a mess, she has self-esteem issues, but SHE IS NOT THE ONE POSTING ON THIS FORUM. If you want to suggest to her that she post, there are several forums that are specifically targeted for addicts.

Why do you insist on discussing her problems? They are her problems. We're here to discuss and support one another as friends and families of alcoholics. We discuss our pain, problems, frustrations, and issues of living with, or being related to an A.

All I know is you willingly hang around this woman and a group of her friends you consider undesirable. They make you miserable. You are emotionally destroyed, as you have said.

So how is this working for YOU? What exactly are YOU getting out of doing this? All I've heard thus far is that you're hanging around in the hopes she will get better. That's up to her; not you.

And wishful thinking is not about WHAT IS, it's about WHAT IF. What is, appears to be that you get something out of laying around for hours on end watching a woman trash herself with drugs and booze.

She's making WHAT IS her interests in life pretty clear to you. So I'm still wondering what you are getting out of this.

ChangingMyself

Reading the book, Under the Influence (James Millam) showed me that looking for the "underlying causes" of another's alcoholism is at best a fruitless endeavor and at worst an activity that only further complicates the problem--both for the alcoholic who must battle the disease in and of itself, and for codependents who will only get sicker if they are preoccupied with pity for and analyzing why the alcoholic drinks. As the author points out, everyone drinks for the same reasons; however, not everyone who drinks will become alcoholic. As they say in AA, alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease. One that cannot be reasoned, talked or wished away.

Since your friend has shown interest in the other literature/links you have shared with her, she might well read Under the Influence if you provide her with a copy. The book describes the physiological process of alcoholism and what is involved in each progressive stage. Toby Rice Drews (author of Getting them Sober* series) also recommends sharing Under the Influence with the As in one's life. If you don't want to give it to her directly, leave it where she will find it (as Drews suggests). Chances are she will read it, and doing so has led other As to seek recovery. I gave a copy to my abf earlier this year and he read it. He is still drinking but I still (and always will) hope he will one day choose wellness for himself.

*Getting them Sober (vol. 1) has also helped me to see how my alcoholic does not need my pity. While I have compassion for him and his illness, it is his choice alone whether he will remain sick or not. Nothing I do, say or do not do or say will affect his decision in this regard (this book has also been invaluable in illustrating this vital truth to me).