Troubledone

My niece is in jail for the second time. She viloated probation - charges were two big felony narcotics possession.

As some may know from previous posts, her boyfriend sent her something in the mail in jail that got his visits restricted, then he didn't pay the cell phone bill, so my niece can't reach him. She hasn't talked to him in a week and he hasn't written so she's going bonkers. As you can imagine, she's worried about everything from him being dead to being with another woman and everything in between.

Tonight she called crying and absolutely begging me me to take some of the little money she has in the world that I'm holding for her and pay the phone bill so she can try to call him. I am reluctant for several reasons.

1. I'm not her secretary - her money is in my account because before she relapsed and got picked up I was helping her pay bills (she has such bad credit she can't get a checking account). But I stopped when she went to jail because it didn't make sense to me at that point to continue.

2. I think that the boyfriend not paying the bill is the natural consequence of him being a drug user with no job, a suspended license and living off unemployment. It seems to me that thier relationship needs to be between them and if she's going to be relying on him when she gets out she better know what he is made of before then. If he can't pay the phone bill I don't know how he'll pay the rent.

3. When she does talk with him she gets the most bizzarre ideas in her head - like he's going to get her out early, have her felonies erased, etc. He fills her head with lies. She has told me they spent as much as $1,600.00 one month talking three hours a day on that cell phone and this just seems insane to me.

4. She's going to need money for a car when she gets out and if she does things like pay this cell phone bill, she'll have nothing. The car she was driving was forfeited because she fled police and in my state, when you run from police you automatically lose your car (they take it and sell it).

5. I think she needs to figure out who she is without him and if he can't pay the phone bill, it seems like now is as good a time as any for her to experience life without him. I told her she wouldn't die if she didn't talk with him for a couple weeks (she has a job in the workhouse and may eventually get enough money to pay the bill.. at least that's what she says). She said I didn't understand and that she would die... which makes me even more reluctant to pay the bill.

Also, this is the last cell company either of them could get credit with. If they ruin their credit with this company, they will not be able to get a cell phone like this again and will have to use the prepaid ones - which I think is wonderful because it will slow them down and the workhouse phone system does not work on that type of cell phone - so again, it takes the boyfriend out of the equasion while she's in there which I think is good.

All this adds up to I don't feel like taking what little money she has left to pay the phone bill. My husband thinks I should take all the money she has with me and deliver it to the workhouse, let her fritter it away and suffer the consequences.

I'm a little reluctant to do that because she has been diagnosed by the workhouse psychiatrist as bipolar but they won't put her on meds until the effects of the meth on her thinking have diminished. So I am aware that anything she asks me might not be coming from a sane place.

so, for the sake of perspective, any insight anyone has to offer would be helpful.

Thanks!

Done_With_It

(nor her babysitter or her maid.)

End of story.


That would be my insight, no need for all the justification.

sleepygoat

I always question these bipolar diagnosis that are handed down while the addict is in withdrawal or very newly clean. It you ever spent any time with such a person, you would NOT need a PH,D to notice they are moody and irrational. Duh! I wish these "professionals" would wait just a bit, before sticking a person with a life-long label, and life-long meds to go with it. We (addicts) do tend to settle down after a while.

so is she really bipolar? Time will tell. Why not wait a while longer, (a month or two) and then give her her money, especially if you aren't really sure what to do at this point.

Troubledone

Thanks SO MUCH for your perspectives - everyone!

Each gave me a piece of the puzzle and I really appreciate your taking the time.

I realized form Done that I'm over thinking this, from hope that it really doesn't matter one way or the other in this case and from sleepygoat that there is no panic here - waiting can clarify things.

I can also see how I am over-reacting to her pain, which is a natural part of her healing process.

Thanks to all for responding!

marle

When my daughter was deep in her addiction she got back a check from her taxes. It was sent here because she did not have a permanent address. I could have kept the check but I called her and asked her where she wanted it mailed. It was not mine and although I knew she would use it for drugs, I also knew it was hers to decide not mine. Is there a way that you can give your niece back the money in your account and let her do what she wants with it. I know the reasons why you want to keep it but you really can't control what she does. It is her money and if she wants to use it to contact the boyfriend so be it. She will find a way. My daughter did not have contact with her ex while in rehab and the halfway house. It just made her pine for him more. When she did contact him, it did not take her long to figure out that he was in her past. She has moved on from him but it was not anything that I did that made her do that. The decision was hers alone. Hugs, Marle

Troubledone

marle

thanks for your reply. I guess I am still not as detached as I'd like to believe. I guess if I look at it closely, I am still trying to manage outcomes.

There is a way I can give her the money. I can just send a money order and the workhouse will put it in record for her and when she leaves if she hasn't spent it, they will give her the cash. If I do this, I know she'll blow the money and when she gets out she won't have a car and won't have money for one. I guess I haven't been able to let go of that yet. I'm still protecting her - and still protecting myself because I haven't gotten to the point where I can let go of her problems.

Thanks for the insight. I'm still not sure what I'll do. I called her mom and her suggestion was to tell her that I'm her aunt and I love her and that means I'll visit her and write to her, but that I am not her secretary or banker, so I won't pay bills or otherwise manager her life and that she'll get her money when she gets out.

Either way (if I keep her money or send it to her at the workhouse) - I think I need to be clear and let go of the outcome. I think I'm still wrapped up with trying to manage her life even if it is in a subtle way - I think it matters more that whatever I do, I do because I think it is the right thing from my HP's perspective and that I'm letting go of managing her outcomes.

thanks for taking the time to share your insight.