Reddmax

All,

It's been a while, but here's whats going on. The AW is right back where she was before detox. She's struggling with trying to control her drinking. About half the time she fails, and passes out (with the rage and irritation, naturally). The olther half of the time she manages to keep a semblance of control, and drinks 2 to 3 nine ounce glasses of wine.

Her behavior is also very strange. She's angry, or she isolates herself within the house. This past weekend, out of 48 hours, we actually were in the same room or spoke for only 2 or 3 hours. It's like she's inventing reasons not to be around me, or her children. It's totally bizarre. Has anyone seen this before?

Redd

Freedom1990

It sounds to me like you're right back to where you were before too, Redd

tommyk

Has anyone seen this before?

Sure I've seen it before. I used to do it myself a lot.

Fairly classic alcoholic behavior, really.

MsPINKAcres

Yes Redd

My AH is great about avoiding time around me when he is active in his disease - Just my thoughts on it - I think it is because of a couple of things
1. He doesn't want me to confront him about anything
2. Then he can pretend everything is fine.
3. I think the "healthy" part that still lives deep inside of him, can't stand to see the hurt in my eyes.

I can detach now (thanks to Al-Anon & my HP) but I have the worst poker face in the world - my eyes give away my true feelings deep inside.

In those times when he has been in recovery, he has said he would do anything to avoid seeing the pain in my eyes. That only made him feel worse inside.

Maybe there is a part of her trying to do the same - Only her HP knows.

Prayers of strength, courage and wisdom to you,
Rita

Jazzman

Yes. My ex did the exact same thing, hold up in the bedroom for days at a time only coming out for more vodka/wine or a quick bite to eat. Then she started disappearing for days at a time.

Taking5

Yes, she is suffering from untreated alcoholism. Has she shown any interest in AA or any other program?

By the way 9oz glasses of wine are LARGE glasses.

Reddmax

My life is changing, as I'm not so concerned about the amount. My question about behavior is whether this has happened to other people, and what it might show as far as what the future might hold.

I'm sort of caught between two poles. The AW asks me to help her, and when I do, everything I do is wrong. If I don't help her, or avoid her, she gets upset. However, if she avoids me, or ignores me, or if I ask for help, its a very different story. Why are you upset, or I don't have time. I sort of think she's withdrawing from me and her children, in preperation of doing something.

I'm sort of anxious about that, but I have to take things day by day, and see how it works out.

Redd

prodigal

Nothing changes if nothing changes. So how's this working for your recovery? When I monitored my AH's behavior and drinking patterns, it did absolutely nothing for my recovery, but it certainly kept me trapped in codie-land.

suzieq1972

What does the future hold?

You are going to continue to make yourself crazy trying to figure out why your AW does what she does and your AW will continue to drink and do what she does.

UNLESS...

You do something to change you...

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


Sue

denny57

Accept her as she is today.

Reddmax

That's the rub right there. To accept her means I have to detach, and that has been my problem. I have buttons that get hit, and I react without thinking.

The other issue is her response to detachment. She takes it very personally, which generally means drama and someone shreiking at the top of their lungs. It's like she wants to keep me cornered.

Redd

denny57

Sounds like it. What do YOU want for you?

Silverberry1331

I agree here with Anvil...

She has not changed.

You must now retreat and protect yourself, whatever that may mean for you. (((REDD))))

FormerDoormat

I used to describe Richard as a mere shadow of the man he once was. Now I see that phenomenon doesn't apply only to alcoholics; it applies to their co-dependent partners, too.

Why is it so difficult to place the focus on yourself? You've been posting on this forum for months now and the only thing I know about you is your name is Reddmax and you live in your wife's shadow.

Why are you so hesitant to post something about yourself and step out from behind your wife's shadow?

prodigal

I agree with FD. It's a weekly or bi-weekly "update" on your AW. If she wants to post about her addiction, we have a forum here for alcoholics in recovery and alcoholics who are trying to get recovery. I don't see her posting.

We're basically a bunch of codies here, or in a lot of cases, "double-winners" who work two (or more) programs. I know more about your AW than I do you.

She screams. You retreat. She screams some more. You retreat. So how's that working for ya?

bluejay6

Two books by Craig Nakken, published by Hazelden:

"The Addictive Personality" [the description of stage 3 addiction might help you out]

"Reclaiming Your Family from Addiction" [describes the spiral of everyone and the recovery]

My feeling, Redd, is that you are so isolated....always the outcome of marriage to an addict.....that you have lost all of your power. She really is in control. Her addiction is very happy about that.

I hope the books offer some awareness. I'm sorry you are in such a dark place. Hope you break out soon.

Barbara52

I hate to say it Redd but it doesn't sound like life very different for you from when you started posting. Of course only you will know when you've gotten there but jsut how much is too much for you? How much of your life are willing to waste on this alcoholic who isn't interested in getting sober and into recovery? What do you want for you? That is the only thing you have control over.

ToughChoices

Before my recovery really began, I used to imagine that there was a way to "perfectly detach" from my A. I thought that there was some book I could read or some wise Al-Anoner from whom I could learn the fine art of non-reaction.

The answer to the question I was seeking,
"How can I live with my A and still be happy?" had to be out there somewhere, right?
Other people were able to - surely I could do it, too. I just had to stop "getting my buttons pushed," so to speak. I just had to stop taking the isolation and the anger personally. I just had to react better.
Right???
Wrong.

My life turned into this elaborate web of "if only's" -
If only he would stop drinking.
If only I would stop being upset when he drank.

As I grew, as my situation evolved, I began to see that the ideal of detachment wasn't attainable while I was still living with my A. Trying to find it there was a losing battle.

I don't know what the answer is for you, Redd. I just know that, for me, I could either live with my active A or be happy and serene. I couldn't manage both at the same time.

Al-Anon teaches that we can find peace, even if the alcoholic is still drinking. I believe that - I feel that truth today.
But, I couldn't find that peace in the places that I was originally looking for it.
I couldn't find that peace in the home that I built with my husband.
I had to open my eyes to other possibilities.

Good luck to you.
-TC

nowinsituation

TC - I love that comment. It's the little prayer that started it all for me. In the beginning, when I was still in complete denial about the addiction, but I knew that I was horribly unhappy. I just didn't know why. And I believed in God, and I desparately asked him over and over -- "Show me how to be happy, or show me how to get out".

And little by little, he gave me information and tools and people and strength. And it's been more painful than I could have ever imagined; but it's the pain of growth and not the pain of death. And God replaced one word in my prayer -- He "Showed me how to be happy AND he showed me how to get out."

Ago

My experience matches that of "choices" exactly.

As long as I based my happiness on "If only this then that" to that precise extent I allowed that thinking was I mentally "ill".

If only she would "recover"
If only I could "be stronger"


I can't even write that list anymore, it just makes me tired.

If only I learn how to see things how they are instead of how I wished they were I remain in misery...it was as simple as that, and how they were was really bad for both of us, there was a dynamic in play that made us both sick, that I couldn't break until I walked away.

So for me today, and this is truly just for me, the question I ask myself is "If only I can get my head out of my butt, what beautiful things will I see today?"

A lot lately actually, is the answer to that question.