bookwyrm

I'm moping around today and don't really know what I'm feeling. Anyone have any insights for me?

The house is almost finished - should be done by this weekend with a few odds n ends next weekend. The outside hasn't been touched but that's AH's responsibility and I'm damned if I'm doing that on my own too.

The surveyor is coming over to value the house tomorrow. I've got an estate agent and solicitor for the sale of the house (not involved in the separation agreement). AH tried to get me to pay the upfront marketing fees on my own but that isn't going to happen. Looks like it ought to be on the market within weeks. I thought I would be excited to finally get all that work done but I'm not. Just feeling flat and tired and I'm not really sure why.

My AH is just annoying me - I let him drag me down whenever I email him about the division of our stuff, the sale of the house etc. He has a real sense of victim hood and doesn't take responsibility for any of his actions - everything is my fault. He can't communicate without bitterness. I know I shouldn't let him get to me, he is just quacking, but sometimes he gets me so angry! At others I feel so betrayed - he was supposed to be my best friend but turned out to be anything but. He's also been really lazy - I'm having to do everything. There again, what's new?! I'm trying to keep all contact with him at a minimum but it isn't easy.

I'm so broke this month. I'm having to adjust to paying all of the bills and mortgage by myself while paying for the stuff I need to fix the house up (I'll get the money he owes for this once the house is sold). Christmas will be quiet this year!

I am looking forward to having somewhere I can call mine. Having all my stuff in it (whatever is left once my AH raids it anyway...) and making it mine. It just seems so far away.

Wow, I've had a bit of a moan here. Thanks for listening.

ToughChoices

I understand the annoyance! And the anger! And the bitterness! And the laziness!

Holy cow. It is overwhelming!

I try to meditate on MY motivations for doing the things that I am doing. It reminds me that I am in control of my choices. I am not forced to do things - I choose to do them.
It sucks to clean and scrub and keep up the yard - to get the house ready to sell, but you're choosing to do it in order to make healthy changes for yourself. You are doing what is necessary to reach your goal. You're choosing to do the dirty, unfun stuff in order to accomplish your greater dreams: a place of your own, free from emotional baggage.

As far as his quacking goes, I'm beginning to realize that pervasively negative people are NO FUN for me to be around. Even if there's no truth to their complaints, even if they're not alcoholic, even if I'm not married to them.

I don't want to hear it.

I guess I'm just saying that it's not surprising that you don't enjoy communicating with him. He doesn't sound like he brings a lot of joy to the table. Soon, bookwrym, very soon, there will be no need to communicate with him on a regular basis.

Hugs to you as you work toward that day.
Keep your chin up - it'll get better!

-TC

Ago

Bookwyrm,

I can't tell you how you feel.

it seems you did a pretty good job of that yourself

I can say one thing though....












listen carefully...it's important.....














We love you and here, take this :ghug

bookwyrm

Thank you for the support. It sometimes feels as if all I do it moan about things here but you all just let me get it out. Thanks.
I've been thinking about this. I was told what I thought I felt by my AH for so long that I think I believed it. I know that for the longest time I trusted what he said more than I trusted myself. How on earth did I get to that stage - and how did I manage to break out of it?! I totally lost sight of my own instincts!

Before he left I felt mainly numb - this was self preservation. Then I was raging! I still get like that. But now, I'm calming down and feeling things without knowing why and with no one there to tell me! Guess I have to work it out for myself!

Am I the only one this has happened to? Am I making sense??:crazy

denny57

You are to me. I was constantly told by the alcoholic in my life what I thought, what I meant, what I was going to think, how I REALLY felt. It chipped away at me like slow torture.

Hang in there!

Ago

pffft it's nothin

me too, strange huh

no/yes I completely understand

It got to where compliments, which I only got elsewhere bounced off my chest and just sat there on the floor until I stomped on them as if they were a spider, then with her, she was very low grade derogatory to me all. the. time. by her words and actions constantly implying there was something wrong with me, or I was somehow lacking, just chip chip chip until I would be standing there going I don't understand, everyone likes me, all my exes like me, look at all the great stuff I do, have done, am doing now, and she would minimize all those things and literally say, you must have pulled the wool over the eyes of everyone you have ever met, all your friends are wrong, all your exes are wrong, your family is wrong, you are a BAD man and a terrible human being.

I finally realized she hated herself on some level then projected it onto me but truthfully I am still dealing with that damage.

When I moved back down here and called my friends for help, I was a basket case, but literally 20 of my friends including all my exes said nearly verbatim, "do you know how much we love you? do you know how much we owe you?" even last night, all the hugs and love I got was uncomfortable on some level.

As if I don't even recognize the person they are describing any more.

It's me.

It's always been me.

I just lost my way.

Well I'm back now, and I will NEVER let anyone take me away from me again.

ever.

step away with the smile and the talons.

step away with the sex backed with mental torture.

step away with the "Wall of seduction"

Andrew's back and he is a bit pissed off.

so no, you aren't the only one it's happened to, and yeah darlin, you make sense, and yeah, we love you.

:ghug2

GiveLove

(( GL runs and hides behind sofa ))

Ago

omfg GL I about peed my pants I was laughing so hard, stop that this is serious dammit...../wipes tear

GiveLove

Bookwyrm, hang in there.

I spent the better part of a month fixing up my house to sell after X finally moved out. I'd moved out FIRST, because he wouldn't. Then he trashed the place, pretty much, and when he left I had to spend a huge amount of time getting it all ready to sell. I remember scrubbing the tobacco smell out of the walls and ceiling (the place smelled like a bad humidor), crying tears of anger.

This too shall pass, and we want to be in your life (in a few weeks!) when you have gotten past this rough patch and are on your way back to real happiness.

If you need to contact him, perhaps you could hold off until you have several things to work out. Bundle them all together into one contact, and then take yourself out to dinner and a movie to reward yourself for a job well done!

Hugs,
GL

GiveLove

Glad to have you back, Andrew. Note that I have a squirt gun trained on you and I'm not afraid to use it.

Stubborn1

Misery loves company......so I'll sulk with ya. All of our bills are past due, I'm waiting for the only buy here pay here car to get repossesed. My rah is sober but omg he is being lazy as shat! The mortgage is two months past due.
I just want to throw my hands up too.

Ago

lazy > drunk

progress not perfection sweetheart, Rome wasn't built in a day

Bernadette

Hiya Bookwyrm-
Just sending a (((hug)))
and positive vibes your way...

(...and if some guy named "Andrew" knocks on your door don't open it! He's pissed!! ;-)

Easy does it Book--Peace-
B.

Mair

(((())))to you bookwyrm, everything will work out for you, hang on in there girl your so close to happinessxxxxxxxxxx

Gill

Ago

Ding Dong

Who is it?

Girl Scout Cookies

No thank you....

ummm.....Telegram

I'm not expecting a telegram

ummm...candygram...

I'm not expecting a candygram....

ummm.....half a gram

Half a gram? why didn't you say so?????
/opens door

LAND SHARK LAND SHARK

aaauuuugghhhhhhhh!!!

anyone else remember that or am I hopelessly dating myself?