Maybe I'm not so bad after all ...
Trying to find a path
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
Maybe I'm not so bad after all ...
It seems like any thread I might start is always about something bad ...
I am a musician. I play with some friends at a local pub on Wednesdays. We are the guys who try to pull the middle of the week drinkers in. It is a bit ironic really if you think about it. Anyway ...
My AW has always been very jealous of music. Even though that is one of things that attracted her. Something she would always say to me was that she didn't like thinking about all those girls hitting on me. My reply was that I didn't like her drinking why would I want any girls I could pick up in a bar in the middle of the week.
Of course she was always jealous anyway. Now, I want to say that I am a faithful husband. I wouldn't dream of cheating on my AW. As we are going through this divorce I still consider myself married until the judge says I am not and I act accordingly. That being said, there is this girl that I have known for about a year. She plays and has a really beautiful voice and I enjoy playing and singing with her. Not long after I met her she asked if I gave lesson on guitar and I said yes I did. My wife was not very happy and said no way. She is a young (13 years younger than me) attractive woman who seems very grounded and genuine.
Well, she has been coming on Wednesdays the last couple of weeks. She doesn't drink but comes out for the music. I was under the impression that all she was interested music. Well, I guess that that isn't all she is interested in.
You know how your self esteem goes down the toilet? When you feel like you are not good enough or not worth enough for someone. How you feel that no one will ever be attracted to me again. How will I function without this ONE person that knows me better than anyone .... blah blah blah
Now before some of you say "You don't need a relationship", believe me I know. I am not looking for one but boy did that feel good in the ego. I am going to give her music lessons (strictly professional) and I am sure we will have a good friendship.
I feel like my HP is guiding me.
My son had been going to a new church with a friend from school. A few weeks ago he came home afterward and said "Dad, I think you would like it, there is a lot of music. Will you go with me next week?"
I said sure i would and I did really like it. I saw people I knew and I liked the music. I even got a large lump in my throat and a tear in my eye at one point. Have you ever felt like you were just in the right place at the right time? That is how it felt. Amazing. The next week I felt differently about my circumstances. I felt like I could see a little clearer. I met the leader of the worship service and we had a lot in common and who knows maybe I will be playing there on Sunday mornings.
2 days ago I found out that my AW now has a "roommate" in the house that I am still paying for. It really bummed me out. I couldn't even come on here much. I was consumed by my grief. Could I really be replaced so easily? I stood by and and took all of her crap and then I am just the garbage at the curb?
Then my HP showed me that I have worth. My HP showed me that I have a lot to give. My HP showed me that I am a good guy and people like me. My HP showed me that I was replaced long ago by alcohol, I just couldn't see it. My HP showed me that I will be okay.
And by the way, I figure that if I am paying for this house my son and I should be living in it. I deserve to be comfortable.
Sorry for the long post. I was just feeling good!
I am a musician. I play with some friends at a local pub on Wednesdays. We are the guys who try to pull the middle of the week drinkers in. It is a bit ironic really if you think about it. Anyway ...
My AW has always been very jealous of music. Even though that is one of things that attracted her. Something she would always say to me was that she didn't like thinking about all those girls hitting on me. My reply was that I didn't like her drinking why would I want any girls I could pick up in a bar in the middle of the week.
Of course she was always jealous anyway. Now, I want to say that I am a faithful husband. I wouldn't dream of cheating on my AW. As we are going through this divorce I still consider myself married until the judge says I am not and I act accordingly. That being said, there is this girl that I have known for about a year. She plays and has a really beautiful voice and I enjoy playing and singing with her. Not long after I met her she asked if I gave lesson on guitar and I said yes I did. My wife was not very happy and said no way. She is a young (13 years younger than me) attractive woman who seems very grounded and genuine.
Well, she has been coming on Wednesdays the last couple of weeks. She doesn't drink but comes out for the music. I was under the impression that all she was interested music. Well, I guess that that isn't all she is interested in.
You know how your self esteem goes down the toilet? When you feel like you are not good enough or not worth enough for someone. How you feel that no one will ever be attracted to me again. How will I function without this ONE person that knows me better than anyone .... blah blah blah
Now before some of you say "You don't need a relationship", believe me I know. I am not looking for one but boy did that feel good in the ego. I am going to give her music lessons (strictly professional) and I am sure we will have a good friendship.
I feel like my HP is guiding me.
My son had been going to a new church with a friend from school. A few weeks ago he came home afterward and said "Dad, I think you would like it, there is a lot of music. Will you go with me next week?"
I said sure i would and I did really like it. I saw people I knew and I liked the music. I even got a large lump in my throat and a tear in my eye at one point. Have you ever felt like you were just in the right place at the right time? That is how it felt. Amazing. The next week I felt differently about my circumstances. I felt like I could see a little clearer. I met the leader of the worship service and we had a lot in common and who knows maybe I will be playing there on Sunday mornings.
2 days ago I found out that my AW now has a "roommate" in the house that I am still paying for. It really bummed me out. I couldn't even come on here much. I was consumed by my grief. Could I really be replaced so easily? I stood by and and took all of her crap and then I am just the garbage at the curb?
Then my HP showed me that I have worth. My HP showed me that I have a lot to give. My HP showed me that I am a good guy and people like me. My HP showed me that I was replaced long ago by alcohol, I just couldn't see it. My HP showed me that I will be okay.
And by the way, I figure that if I am paying for this house my son and I should be living in it. I deserve to be comfortable.
Sorry for the long post. I was just feeling good!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by sslusser 
Sorry for the long post. I was just feeling good!
I, too, have found that my HP is taking care of me in ways that I was previously unable to appreciate.
Life goes on.
Things look up.
All is well.
I'm so glad that the incredible initial pain of all of this is waning for you. It can seem so overwhelming in the beginning, but I know now that peace was always in the plan for me. It is for you, as well.
Take care (and good for you!).
-TC
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by sslusser
Then my HP showed me that I have worth. My HP showed me that I have a lot to give. My HP showed me that I am a good guy and people like me. My HP showed me that I was replaced long ago by alcohol, I just couldn't see it. My HP showed me that I will be okay.
Awsome for you and son! :ghug3
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. The lump in the throat thing, I've had that. I believe it's Hp making direct contact. Some people call it a spiritual awakening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I'm a part-time pro musician as well and performing has helped me enormously in getting through my separation. Attention from hotties doesn't hurt one bit, either.
My ah is a musician as well, so I thankfully didn't have to deal with the jealousy end of it. Although I've also considered the irony of alcohol use paying some of my bills, I don't believe everyone who has a couple of drinks while watching a band is an alcoholic. I'm not and I can't possibly be the only one.
It's nice to see some good news here.
My ah is a musician as well, so I thankfully didn't have to deal with the jealousy end of it. Although I've also considered the irony of alcohol use paying some of my bills, I don't believe everyone who has a couple of drinks while watching a band is an alcoholic. I'm not and I can't possibly be the only one.
It's nice to see some good news here.
Trying to find a path
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
Type on! Beats feeling bad, doesn't it?!
Trying to find a path
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
I found myself hitting the Thanks button on every reply so ...
Thank you everyone for all the support and prayers and love. I am where I am because of the support here. This journey is a tough one but one that will make us all better humans in the end.
Thank you everyone for all the support and prayers and love. I am where I am because of the support here. This journey is a tough one but one that will make us all better humans in the end.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Wow, your post really inspired me today, gave me goosebumps, really. Once you start seeing glimmers of light....it really changes your perspective, doesn't it? I have been seeing glimmers of light in the last week, and it gives me so much hope.
And as for this, I have been asking myself the same question, when my xabf asked someone out 2 days after we broke up, and now they are seeing each other. I wasn't replaced. I'm irreplaceable, lol. But honestly, he had to find someone that was going to put up with his crap, because he knew that I wasn't going to.....and the next person is just another person for them to walk all over, and suck all the life out of.
Could I really be replaced so easily? I stood by and and took all of her crap and then I am just the garbage at the curb?
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by sslusser
Yes it does! You know every time I see a post from you TC, I read and re-read your Emerson quote. I think that is such a poignant quote for a lot of us here.
It's certainly poignant for me.
Who are you destined to become, sslusser?
I bet it's someone great - you're already well on your way!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
All this stuff is nice huh sslusser?
Last night I went out to dinner then went out and caught a music show where I grew up with 3 of the band members.
I saw quite a few old friends I haven't seen in a long time, made some new ones, and had some incredibly in depth conversations with some pretty close friends, mostly about interacting with others and how truly "unimportant" outside validation is if you are "sorted out" on the inside and "right with God' or "right with yourself" as it were, how it's exactly the same as receiving criticism, just or unjust, in that truthfully neither of them really matter at the end of the day, and at the same time, I received tons of "outside validation"
I just moved back to the area and was generally speaking, really beat up pretty badly, a falling out with my family, a miscarriage, a pretty painful break up, a lot of house and job searching, the last three months were pretty brutal all told, and yet here's all these people who I haven't seen in years going on and on about how great I looked, How great I sounded etc. and even some pretty good attention from a female which felt really nice.
It's kind of strange, but I truly believe in the paradox of, for want of a better description "renounce the garment of the Lord and receive it back as your gift" and what that means to me, and is my overwhelming experience times more numerous then I can count is, "when I no longer "need" something, I receive it.
Last night, as I am getting to the place of not needing "outside validation" it's positively showered on me, in the past, when I no longer "need" a woman to "complete" me, the most amazing woman appears, even in dealing with my father, I had a "process" take ten years with him once culminating in me no longer needing his approval, of course he calls me, and we have this incredible conversation, and he's saying "oh son, oh son, If only I would have been able to "give" you this when you were young, I'm so sorry" and my response was "dad, you couldn't, it is what it is"
I had been waiting my whole life for that conversation, and when it came I didn't even "hear" it for three days because I didn't "need" it anymore, then when I was talking to some girlfriends of mine somehow our conversation triggered it and I absolutely lost it.
Something I used to have my sponsees do on their fourth step, is there is a section of that that's strictly "relationships, and after you "work" that section, you are asked to have an "ideal" a sexual "ideal", I used to make my sponsees write that ideal down, then bring it to me, then I'd say, "OK, now you have to "become" that person you just described, and once you "become" that person, you no longer "need" that person, but once you no longer "need" that person, she will appear.
That is my experience, and I am looking forward to becoming that ideal again, and I am in no hurry you know? When the time is right, I won't want, or need anyone in my life, I will be sufficient unto myself, and then....well...you know :ghug3 because I sure have had enough
because I think we surround ourselves with people that "validate" our experience with ourselves and the world around us, when I feel good about myself, the people around me support that world view, and when I feel badly about myself, i put people in my life that "support" that view, by hurting me, putting me down, and "showing me" I "really am a bad person" and "beating me". The people around me, how they treat me, is a pretty good indication or "barometer" if you will to my "interior" life.
Another example is I went through a period of my life when I was truly emotionally unavailable, and dated 3 different girl during that 5 years that I thought were "emotionally unavailable" that all left me ...actually we never got into it enough for them to leave me, but that reinforced my belief that it was "others" that were emotionally unavailable when in fact the truth of the matter was I was the one that was "unavailable" and they could see that but I couldn't and I couldn't understand why they left.
I just needed to relearn that the outside world is just a reflection of my inside world...you know?
Last night I went out to dinner then went out and caught a music show where I grew up with 3 of the band members.
I saw quite a few old friends I haven't seen in a long time, made some new ones, and had some incredibly in depth conversations with some pretty close friends, mostly about interacting with others and how truly "unimportant" outside validation is if you are "sorted out" on the inside and "right with God' or "right with yourself" as it were, how it's exactly the same as receiving criticism, just or unjust, in that truthfully neither of them really matter at the end of the day, and at the same time, I received tons of "outside validation"
I just moved back to the area and was generally speaking, really beat up pretty badly, a falling out with my family, a miscarriage, a pretty painful break up, a lot of house and job searching, the last three months were pretty brutal all told, and yet here's all these people who I haven't seen in years going on and on about how great I looked, How great I sounded etc. and even some pretty good attention from a female which felt really nice.
It's kind of strange, but I truly believe in the paradox of, for want of a better description "renounce the garment of the Lord and receive it back as your gift" and what that means to me, and is my overwhelming experience times more numerous then I can count is, "when I no longer "need" something, I receive it.
Last night, as I am getting to the place of not needing "outside validation" it's positively showered on me, in the past, when I no longer "need" a woman to "complete" me, the most amazing woman appears, even in dealing with my father, I had a "process" take ten years with him once culminating in me no longer needing his approval, of course he calls me, and we have this incredible conversation, and he's saying "oh son, oh son, If only I would have been able to "give" you this when you were young, I'm so sorry" and my response was "dad, you couldn't, it is what it is"
I had been waiting my whole life for that conversation, and when it came I didn't even "hear" it for three days because I didn't "need" it anymore, then when I was talking to some girlfriends of mine somehow our conversation triggered it and I absolutely lost it.
Something I used to have my sponsees do on their fourth step, is there is a section of that that's strictly "relationships, and after you "work" that section, you are asked to have an "ideal" a sexual "ideal", I used to make my sponsees write that ideal down, then bring it to me, then I'd say, "OK, now you have to "become" that person you just described, and once you "become" that person, you no longer "need" that person, but once you no longer "need" that person, she will appear.
That is my experience, and I am looking forward to becoming that ideal again, and I am in no hurry you know? When the time is right, I won't want, or need anyone in my life, I will be sufficient unto myself, and then....well...you know :ghug3 because I sure have had enough
because I think we surround ourselves with people that "validate" our experience with ourselves and the world around us, when I feel good about myself, the people around me support that world view, and when I feel badly about myself, i put people in my life that "support" that view, by hurting me, putting me down, and "showing me" I "really am a bad person" and "beating me". The people around me, how they treat me, is a pretty good indication or "barometer" if you will to my "interior" life.Another example is I went through a period of my life when I was truly emotionally unavailable, and dated 3 different girl during that 5 years that I thought were "emotionally unavailable" that all left me ...actually we never got into it enough for them to leave me, but that reinforced my belief that it was "others" that were emotionally unavailable when in fact the truth of the matter was I was the one that was "unavailable" and they could see that but I couldn't and I couldn't understand why they left.
I just needed to relearn that the outside world is just a reflection of my inside world...you know?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Absolutely wonderful! I am so happy for you. I've seen some glimmers here and there lately too, and it's amazing to know I'll be ok. I am so happy for you! And yes- that lump in your throat thing- I get it at church for some reason more than at any other time. It's great to have a place where you feel good and to have a purpose that suits you. Thanks for posting this!
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Man sslusser, I think you opened up a whole can 'o worms here!
Seems everybody is getting a little of that "good stuff". I think some how your good "vibes" came thru cyberspace and smacked me in the back of the head. And boy, did I need it.
I've been sick, I mean SICK for the last 6 daze. I missed 4 days of work, I never miss work. Wed I was laying in bed wondering why my skin hurt! Really. My skin never really hurt before.
Anywho, I'm back today, fresh air, perfect temp (I deliver stuff by truck) thanking Hp for sterhoids.
Part of my delivery area includes some of the most beautiful areas of Texas.....I'm already blessed! But I have this one scenic overlook area that always feels V-E-R-Y spiritual to me, I actually had a very moving spiritual awakening there a while ago. The place is a cut thru the forest for a gas pipeline, is about 100 feet high, overlooking probably 200 acres of 4 or 5 pastures, the cattle look like dogs from up there, it's beyond description. I've actually been able to look DOWN on red tailed hawks as they soar by...I love those guys.
Any way I'm at my spot, gratful for really feeling physically good for first time in days thinking about sslusser's cool post and I'm feeling one with the universe, totally aligned. And the gifts begin to pour in, and it's so obvious that I feel kind of unworthy.
First 2 little yellow butterflies, or as we call them, flutterbys. They were doing the bf dance of love...you know circleing sp?each other in a tight UPward spiral. (you know the opposite of that other spiral we know so well...Ha!).
Then a couple of bigger orange guys, then a huge dragon fly, 'bout a 5" wing span, big blue body hovered right there for me, I also have this thing for dragon flys, then a big beautiful red tail hawk crused by. The piece de reistance sp? Did I mention I love those guys. Did anyone notice the progresion in size order?
I just laughed and told Hp to stop....I was getting a little uncomfortable.....it was like I was being smoozed or something!
AS if thats not enough, a couple of guys pull up to get some info to order some stuff and the one guys kind of shaking 'cause the other one just took him 0-60 in 5.5 seconds out on the hiway in his dodge viper pickup. And asks do I want to look under the hood.....He!! to the YES I do. I couldn't care less about sports, couldn't tell you who's in the superbowl. But show me some thing that goes fast and I'm slack jawed and glassy eyed.
All this "good stuff" came rapid fire in a span of probably 5-10 minutes. Then walking to truck...exactly same path as I used to leave truck, I look down and see the coolest rock ever for dd. Trucks parked in coarse crushed rock. This guys about size of a golf ball, it's grayish, purpleish crystal, it's half of the original rock and you can litterally see through it.
Then I get home and can hug my kid 'cause I'm not germy anymore. DAMN! She actually said the other night, "Dad I hate your stupid illness". I'm all me too I fell like he!!. She's all "no, 'cause we can't hug or kiss and I hate it." Five minutes later she's standing behind comp chair and says to hold my breath and turn around. I always follow directions, and she is there with a bath towel under her chin so we can hug without me getting her all germy.
There was lots more but these were the high points. And in the mist of all this good stuff I may have hit on a way to get a new house far sooner than I'd thought. We'll see!
Thanks for letting me share.
God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. I love you guys.
I've been sick, I mean SICK for the last 6 daze. I missed 4 days of work, I never miss work. Wed I was laying in bed wondering why my skin hurt! Really. My skin never really hurt before.
Anywho, I'm back today, fresh air, perfect temp (I deliver stuff by truck) thanking Hp for sterhoids.
Part of my delivery area includes some of the most beautiful areas of Texas.....I'm already blessed! But I have this one scenic overlook area that always feels V-E-R-Y spiritual to me, I actually had a very moving spiritual awakening there a while ago. The place is a cut thru the forest for a gas pipeline, is about 100 feet high, overlooking probably 200 acres of 4 or 5 pastures, the cattle look like dogs from up there, it's beyond description. I've actually been able to look DOWN on red tailed hawks as they soar by...I love those guys.
Any way I'm at my spot, gratful for really feeling physically good for first time in days thinking about sslusser's cool post and I'm feeling one with the universe, totally aligned. And the gifts begin to pour in, and it's so obvious that I feel kind of unworthy.
First 2 little yellow butterflies, or as we call them, flutterbys. They were doing the bf dance of love...you know circleing sp?each other in a tight UPward spiral. (you know the opposite of that other spiral we know so well...Ha!).
Then a couple of bigger orange guys, then a huge dragon fly, 'bout a 5" wing span, big blue body hovered right there for me, I also have this thing for dragon flys, then a big beautiful red tail hawk crused by. The piece de reistance sp? Did I mention I love those guys. Did anyone notice the progresion in size order?
I just laughed and told Hp to stop....I was getting a little uncomfortable.....it was like I was being smoozed or something!
AS if thats not enough, a couple of guys pull up to get some info to order some stuff and the one guys kind of shaking 'cause the other one just took him 0-60 in 5.5 seconds out on the hiway in his dodge viper pickup. And asks do I want to look under the hood.....He!! to the YES I do. I couldn't care less about sports, couldn't tell you who's in the superbowl. But show me some thing that goes fast and I'm slack jawed and glassy eyed.
All this "good stuff" came rapid fire in a span of probably 5-10 minutes. Then walking to truck...exactly same path as I used to leave truck, I look down and see the coolest rock ever for dd. Trucks parked in coarse crushed rock. This guys about size of a golf ball, it's grayish, purpleish crystal, it's half of the original rock and you can litterally see through it.
Then I get home and can hug my kid 'cause I'm not germy anymore. DAMN! She actually said the other night, "Dad I hate your stupid illness". I'm all me too I fell like he!!. She's all "no, 'cause we can't hug or kiss and I hate it." Five minutes later she's standing behind comp chair and says to hold my breath and turn around. I always follow directions, and she is there with a bath towel under her chin so we can hug without me getting her all germy.
There was lots more but these were the high points. And in the mist of all this good stuff I may have hit on a way to get a new house far sooner than I'd thought. We'll see!
Thanks for letting me share.
God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. I love you guys.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
I do. I think we have to be able to pay attention. I've had my job 2 yrs now. My first stop today, I'd gone to my first week, 2 yrs ago. Life was HARD then. I've been there maybe one other time a year ago or so. It's a big fancy surgery center here in Austin. Today I noticed the tile floors were beautiful, 12x12's some lavendar, some almost aqua (2 of my favorite colors) and polished so it was as if a1000 lites were dancing under my feet.
Umh...I had to ask if they were new! Of course not, my perspective and ability to appreciate something far too beautiful to be WALKING on was new.
My wife used to say I was the most negative person she'd ever known, and she was right. I've had no 180 degree changes in my core values, I've simply had a very slight 1 or 2 degree shift in my perception, from neg to positive.
Which wolf am I gonna feed? That's the one that will get big and strong.
Thanks man. :ghug3
God bless us all, oops, He already has! :ghug
Coyote
Umh...I had to ask if they were new! Of course not, my perspective and ability to appreciate something far too beautiful to be WALKING on was new.
My wife used to say I was the most negative person she'd ever known, and she was right. I've had no 180 degree changes in my core values, I've simply had a very slight 1 or 2 degree shift in my perception, from neg to positive.
Which wolf am I gonna feed? That's the one that will get big and strong.
Thanks man. :ghug3
God bless us all, oops, He already has! :ghug
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
My X-husband of 23 years was a musician (and also an adult child of an alcoholic.....weird though, he wasn't an A himself, but DEFINATELY was the BEHAVIOR!!!!).
Anyway, I can relate to women desiring to be with a musician.....gosh in my codie days I literally fought them off the stage....lol.
From a woman's point of view, these groupies are an obvious ATTACK, they can make a NOT jealous woman turn into some violent shrew!! They are SO pretty, sexy....and BOLD........... we feel threatened by "groupies" or women attracted to our musician men.
It sounds like you are doing well in your situation. But please do NOT add any fire to the groupie thing.......the girl who wants lessons but also wants more from you.
It sounds like you are ready for your relationship with AW to be over??
But please do not add more fire to the scenerio by making her feel threatened by adding this other woman into the picture yet.
A musician life is HARD!!!!!!! A musician's WIFE lifer is HARDER!!!!!! Hope you realize ths.
Anyway, I can relate to women desiring to be with a musician.....gosh in my codie days I literally fought them off the stage....lol.
From a woman's point of view, these groupies are an obvious ATTACK, they can make a NOT jealous woman turn into some violent shrew!! They are SO pretty, sexy....and BOLD........... we feel threatened by "groupies" or women attracted to our musician men.
It sounds like you are doing well in your situation. But please do NOT add any fire to the groupie thing.......the girl who wants lessons but also wants more from you.
It sounds like you are ready for your relationship with AW to be over??
But please do not add more fire to the scenerio by making her feel threatened by adding this other woman into the picture yet.
A musician life is HARD!!!!!!! A musician's WIFE lifer is HARDER!!!!!! Hope you realize ths.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
The gifts just keep coming....
man oh man....
Wow what a day....
First there was a girl...
well I didn't meet her, we have "seen" each other around, but we started talking (did I mention she is absolutely amazingly beautiful?) and we ended up talking nearly all day.
Simply amazing, just...truth...and our life stories....just blabbin you know?
The whole day just slipped by.....
and no no I am not picking out furniture FFS but it was just really nice day, was sunny and nice....made me happy...big grin here
There was the "outside stuff" in that she is very attractive, and has this Southern Accent just made me melt...she starts "twanging and my knees get all wobbly...she could have been talking about The Flying Spaghetti Monster and I would have smiled and nodded for hours..
But we didn't...we talked about very "real" things, we asked each other some pretty hard questions, and both told the truth, and were better for it, she is smart, witty, extremely intelligent, has the same sense of humor as I do...was just a great way to while away the afternoon talking to such a lovely, lively, vivacious, intelligent young lady you know?
and no no not romance just the kind of afternoon you smile about as you drop off to sleep, the kind of afternoon you remember years later fondly.
Then I went to a Movie with a friend, one that is still torn up about his break up...we are sober together and great friends so we "hit" each other pretty hard...so he's coming up with schemes for revenge, we're laughing, he has a few schemes picked out planned to the last detail..then he's like..."hmmm.../pause...that's not really very spiritual is it...not really God's plan for me?....../wistful sigh" We are in hysterics at this point, he's blasted me pretty hard about my break up a few times, said some very healing things that were definitely at my expense but got me "out of my head" as well...you know? So he's going on about revenge and I say "L------, Don't you know the best revenge is living well? Well I hate to point it out, but I have to say you are failing miserably at this endeavor"
We were DYING laughing...he's like "don't sugar coat it Andrew, tell me how you REALLY feel" OMG we were ROLLING
he had that one coming for sure.
So i come home...great grin on my face...there's an email from my ex.
I suspect it's her ninth step, it was full of her "taking responsibilty" and apologizing, I had planned and plotted about if she emailed it to me how I would take my revenge somehow, whether sending it back "unopened" or whatever, just something hurtful...
That's not what I did.
I sent this instead:
it was very emotional to write that email and to know I truly forgive her, that she is a child of God, and that she truly did the best she could.
Now I am free
truly free to move on and get on with my life.
The last vestiges of that three years, that started three years ago this week is over.....
Wow
What a day
Thanks Guys (and girls) I couldn't have done it without you.
What a day What a day What a day
man oh man....
Wow what a day....
First there was a girl...
well I didn't meet her, we have "seen" each other around, but we started talking (did I mention she is absolutely amazingly beautiful?) and we ended up talking nearly all day.
Simply amazing, just...truth...and our life stories....just blabbin you know?
The whole day just slipped by.....
and no no I am not picking out furniture FFS but it was just really nice day, was sunny and nice....made me happy...big grin here
There was the "outside stuff" in that she is very attractive, and has this Southern Accent just made me melt...she starts "twanging and my knees get all wobbly...she could have been talking about The Flying Spaghetti Monster and I would have smiled and nodded for hours..
But we didn't...we talked about very "real" things, we asked each other some pretty hard questions, and both told the truth, and were better for it, she is smart, witty, extremely intelligent, has the same sense of humor as I do...was just a great way to while away the afternoon talking to such a lovely, lively, vivacious, intelligent young lady you know?
and no no not romance just the kind of afternoon you smile about as you drop off to sleep, the kind of afternoon you remember years later fondly.
Then I went to a Movie with a friend, one that is still torn up about his break up...we are sober together and great friends so we "hit" each other pretty hard...so he's coming up with schemes for revenge, we're laughing, he has a few schemes picked out planned to the last detail..then he's like..."hmmm.../pause...that's not really very spiritual is it...not really God's plan for me?....../wistful sigh" We are in hysterics at this point, he's blasted me pretty hard about my break up a few times, said some very healing things that were definitely at my expense but got me "out of my head" as well...you know? So he's going on about revenge and I say "L------, Don't you know the best revenge is living well? Well I hate to point it out, but I have to say you are failing miserably at this endeavor"
We were DYING laughing...he's like "don't sugar coat it Andrew, tell me how you REALLY feel" OMG we were ROLLING
he had that one coming for sure.
So i come home...great grin on my face...there's an email from my ex.
I suspect it's her ninth step, it was full of her "taking responsibilty" and apologizing, I had planned and plotted about if she emailed it to me how I would take my revenge somehow, whether sending it back "unopened" or whatever, just something hurtful...
That's not what I did.
I sent this instead:
me too
Please know I did my best...I really did, that I never wanted or meant to hurt you.
I am so very sorry for everything you listed as well (for me I mean, for doing all of those things), and I'm so sorry i wasn't strong enough to lead us both into the light, that broke my heart, it really did, it f***ing broke my heart into a thousand little pieces, as did the loss of our baby.
All I ever wanted to do was save that beautiful little girl I saw inside you, I wanted to be all things to her, and show her that true love was possible, warts and all.
Go with God and know I will always love you, and always remember you, and it will be with love, not anger.
Know you are a wonderful human being and that you deserve the best...now go and find it darling, and never settle for less.
truly, go with my love....always
Andrew
Please know I did my best...I really did, that I never wanted or meant to hurt you.
I am so very sorry for everything you listed as well (for me I mean, for doing all of those things), and I'm so sorry i wasn't strong enough to lead us both into the light, that broke my heart, it really did, it f***ing broke my heart into a thousand little pieces, as did the loss of our baby.
All I ever wanted to do was save that beautiful little girl I saw inside you, I wanted to be all things to her, and show her that true love was possible, warts and all.
Go with God and know I will always love you, and always remember you, and it will be with love, not anger.
Know you are a wonderful human being and that you deserve the best...now go and find it darling, and never settle for less.
truly, go with my love....always
Andrew
Now I am free
truly free to move on and get on with my life.
The last vestiges of that three years, that started three years ago this week is over.....
Wow
What a day
Thanks Guys (and girls) I couldn't have done it without you.
What a day What a day What a day
Last edited by Ago; 11-15-2008 at 12:53 AM.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
