sam79

Right, my ABF has been heading back to alcoholism full steam ahead for the past couple of months despite the fact he says he's controlling his drinking.
Hes only done 6wks max completely sober after a week of home detox back in May.
He also has big issues with sexuality, he told me a couple of years ago he is bisexual and since then has come to tell me he likes wearing womens clothing.
This for me was a complete shock and tbh i was devestated. He is not what you'd call a feminine man at all.
So, anyway,he keeps gettin rotten drunk every week when he recieves his benefits, sometimes he even sells cds to a local shop to get a bit of money for a few cans of cider, when hes broke.
Ive always told him that if hes drunk DO NOT CONTACT ME.
I dont want ANY drama, hassles etc from him and i will only talk when he is SOBER!
But unfortunately this hardly ever happens and he has been on the IM messenger bombarding me with questions about him dressing as a woman and if i will support it. I told him it does not do a damn thing for me and he can do what he wants alone just dont involve me. But again every single time hes drunk i get the same conversation from him and im so SICK AND TIRED of it.
After this he also dropped into the conversation his sister may have cancer again and when i asked questions he just ignored them and carried on with his previous subject!! How f'ed up is that???
Plus yesterday he found out hes been accepted for a new job, working with mentall handicapped adults, something he is actually intrested in doing and he would be amazing at. He spoke to them to sort out police checks etc and forms he needs then proceeded to go get drunk and yet again harrass me on the computer. After afew minutes i switched it off cos i couldnt stand anymore.
So he text me this morning to tell me he loves me at 6.20am and that he going to work soon(after his heavy binge session and no sleep). Despite him telling me his training starts next Thursday.
So i text him later that day to ask when he will be finished and i heard nothing til 10pm when he tells me he just got home from work!!!!
A 13hr shift on your 1st day when you have had NO TRAINING????
Nah, dont think so!! Im not stupid..................oh and suprise hes drunk.
he must of been drinking in work if thats the case. Not likely!!!!!!!
So now hes rambling on about the dressing up again and doesnt seem to care about the fact he has a job and something positive to focus on.

I totally give up, he wont last 2 minutes in that job if he goes in reeking of alcohol but im guess it aint my problem.

WTF is going on here, im so confused and totally frustrated with all this.

sorry for the stupidly long post i had to get it all out.

Id appretiate your thoughts on all of this.

MissFixit

I am sorry for your frustration. That is a lot to process. I am new to this, but in my opinion, believe that you need to think about what type of relationship you want and what type of partner you want to have it with.

He sounds like he is behaving pretty erratically and that he doesn't fully understand himself.

What do you want?

drained22

with my experience with alcoholism is get ready for the emotional roller coaster. they don't think straight, their point of view doesnt align with normal human beings.

I came to the realisation that alcohol is controlling them and they care more about this liquid and its effects rather than you.

Ago

Well to be perfectly honest he sounds pretty much like a typical alcoholic except for maybe one or two small details which maybe just sound a little Monty Pythonish.

Alcoholics don't "control their drinking" it controls them, until i realized that I was in a bad way.

Generally speaking we pick partners like this for a reason, or I should say I have and I needed to look at those reasons and start learning how to take care of myself either through therapy or maybe alanon.

I suspect "The Girls" will be along shortly to help you out, I just thought I'd say you aren't alone, we are here.

Off topic: I loved Merseyside I stayed there for a few weeks a few years ago with some in laws right next to that Lighthouse.

sam79

I want my sanity back!
I want normality.(whatever that is!)
I want to be loved and put first in a relationship.
I want a civil conversation with a sober boyfriend, every day of the week!

I will not get it from him, i know that. Like alot here i wish he was still the person he used to be before he started drinking but i know it probably will never happen and its hard to deal with.

He only talks about his problems when he's drunk and i dont understand why.
Ask him sober and you get a few words and the subject gets changed.

I should just walk away cos i know my situation will proabaly stay this way but its hard and i guess im not ready yet. I still love and care about him and worry what happens to him.

Ago! Wow youve been to Merseyside, i suppose if you have relatives that would be the ONLY reason to come here!! Hehe! But yeah i suppose it is kinda nice. I do love living here!

tommyk

Right, my ABF has been heading back to alcoholism full steam ahead for the past couple of months despite the fact he says he's controlling his drinking.

So... who is he fooling? You, or himself? Both of you?

Best wishes toward a peaceful & serene solution to your problems.

Stubborn1

I would have to ask myself.........how do I see myself that I think I need an alcoholic, cross dressing, bi-sexual man? Do you not deserve someone who is fully comitted to you? Something is a little off just by him wanting to wear woman clothing. He doesn't know who he is himself, so how can you expect him to be what you need or want?
He is extremly confunsed. Why in the world do you want to be in the middle of that? Alcoholism and a mental illness or confused about his sexuality are all different things. If I were you I'd take a look at myself and ask why in the world am I in this messed up relationship.

Bernadette

I still love and care about him and worry what happens to him.

And you can continue to do this without being in a relationship with him. I love and care for my brothers, and I worry about them too because I love them. But I do not listen to alcoholic ranting or hungover quacking. I go away, change the subject, avoid them completely if I have to.

They continue to do just what they do. Why should I care more about what they are saying and how they are behaving than they do??

When you switch it up and think about loving and caring for yourself what does your gut tell you to do??

Also, why not block him on the IM?? Instant calm!!

I hope you find some peace of mind soon! Do you go to AlAnon? I learned a lot there.

Peace-
B.

sam79

I tell myself that really this "relationship" will never work, not any more.
Hes too wrapped up in his own stuff to care about me.
Apparently this drunken behaviour the past few days is a celebration for getting his new job!! That came from him.Hehe! It wont last too long if this is what hes gonna keep doing.
But yeah hes still getting drunk now and talking the usual crap so i turned off the IM! I really cant be bothered anymore.

Thanks for all your help i do really do appretiate it.
sam.xx

FreeBird09

Sam79, I hear you loud and clear. If you read any of my posts I have... oh wait, I HAD the same ABF as you with the exception of the cross dressing. Does and A come with a book at birth or something, they all seem to act just about the same way, with very few exceptions.

My AXBF has mental issues as well. I went from no contact, I lasted 10 days, to finally breaking the no contact and my life has been a living hell since then. I am going back to the no contact, as I was more at peace when that was my mind set.

BUT as I know from counseling, I am as addicted to my A, as he is to alcohol! I am trying to be introspective and find the root of my problem where my self esteem drops that low as to think I need, or can accept that type of behavior in my life. I am a very well educated and a pretty attractive woman and I am tired of settling for the back burner. I want to be first in someone's life, so I need to make myself first to be first. (does that make sense?).

Take care, stick around here and in no time you will learn so much more then you can ever imagine, especially how alike the A's are in their behavior.

Bernadette

Hes too wrapped up in his own stuff to care about me.

(((((((Sam79)))))))

prodigal

sam, I just want to throw in my two cents here regarding your bf's sexualilty; or, should I say, bisexuality. Have you been tested for STD's? I have no idea if your bf has slept with other women or men, but please make sure to protect yourself!

drained22

I have the same problem, she only opens up when she is drunk. when she is drunk she admits she has a problem, and that she abuses herself, not physically but with what she does.

now when she is sober its a whole different story, be aware for some verbal abuse.

beaglebaby

You said it yourself earlier -- what kind of relationship and future is this guy offering you? Is this what you really want?

I have a good friend who's a local expert on alcoholism, and he says that many many As have more than one addiction. He believes that my XH is a sex addict as well as an A. You may be dealing with something similar yourself.

Do you really want the life that this guy is offering? Or do you want more?? You have to decide for yourself.

Barbara52

Only you can decide when enough is enough. When you get there, you will know what you need to do for you. Until then, well, the madness won't get any better. You can try learning some more effective coping skills and detachment.

sam79

I do detach very easily these days, a few years ago it was a different story.

I dont actually live with him anymore, i went back to my mums house in January this year, so that makes it a lot easier, i just dont have to see him at all.

I do see the addiction theory too, he only decided to tell me he was bi-sexual during the worst year of his drinking 2006/07, the cross dressing thing followed early this year. I know he has had contact with a few guys who are cross dressers/pre-op trans-sexuals for a couple of years now and i dunno if it could of stemmed from there.

Im gonna attempt to go talk with him after i finish work tomorrow, if he is sober. I think things need to be sorted out once and for all cos i really just wanna get on with living my life.
Ive lost enough of my twenties to alcoholism and as im about to hit 30 things HAVE to change.

Stubborn1

I'm not sure if you are a man or woman. If this is a gay relationship you probably accept the cross dressing with an open mind. If you are a female I'd be more bothered he'd take my clothes.

Is he really worth a closing arguement? He is verbally abusive! Abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse.

Life flies after thirty. If you don't get out of this mess soon you are going to think this is the norm. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness. If you had no idea of his bi sexuality or his cross dressing then that is TOTAL disrespect towards you and should not be tolerated.
It's not like he owned a dog and didn't tell you. He is playing with your life. He does not have the right to play God and give you some terminal illness or std.

FormerDoormat

Since I'm a heterosexual, a totally heterosexual relationship is normal for me. And since I'm also a non-drinker, a non-drinking environment is normal for me. When my life spiraled out of control, I had to step back and take a hard look at my life, define what normal meant for me, how I wanted to live my life, what kind of partner I wanted to have, and make the necessary changes to carve out the perfect life for me.

sam79

Im female and i guess it does make it worse, cos i want a relationship with a man, not a man who likes being a woman sometimes.
It makes me totally uneasy and i dont think i could ever fully except it.

On the diseases issue, we dont even have sex so thats not gonna be a problem. Alcoholism is a great form of contraception, i just dont wanna do anything, especially when hes drunk and thats normally when he tries it on the most!! Yuk!

So i guess we really havent got a hope. Its really sad but it'll just be a matter of time before we can no longer live like this anymore.