Stuck in the past, or in my own head
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
Stuck in the past, or in my own head
Either way, i'm just stuck. im obsessive, and im depressed. i just cry and cry over my loss.
i know i have posted the same stuff but it does help to get it out there since it is painful to journal alone, and not having anyone there for me as i go through this.
I just cant stop obsessing about the past and trying to figure out where it went wrong, what red flags i missed, coulda woulda shouldas, guilt, whether or not hes seeing someone or if hes over me (yet), our good times, was it really that bad?, all the tmes he did nice stuff that i resented, or nagged him because i wanted better things for him (though he didnt). why i couldnt stay away and ran a once special bond into the ground by thinking thinks could change.
i know i shouldnt care but i dwell on my loss, and think my axbf tried his best, and though i dont think you can have a normal or healthy relationship with one, and i couldnt really watch him be self destructive when I care about him.., theres a part of me (my ego) that is sad because i feel like he doesnt want me, and im not good enough for him (hes not exactly begging me back). i know i keep going in circles, but im JUST SO STUCK and im stuck in the past. i feel like we had good times but i made them worse by being unhappy and never giving him respect, admiration, and nothing less than a hard time about everything. so i understand why he wouldnt want to be with me- i couldnt meet his needs (someone who would be ok with what hes doing and leave him alone) and he couldnt be mine (emotionally available all of the time, and maybe more attentive although i am codependent and maybe a bit needy/clingy which ofcourse is another thing to add to my regrets). But i still feel bad because amongst him not coming home when he said he was going to, or calling etc and bothing me as he was always drinking etc. had a job where he could and then afterwards..., he made the effort to do nice things and i do think he tried to be a good boyfriend and make me happy. and i cant say the same. i spent my time manipulating and trying to control, and show him the light. he just wanted me to be happy. i cant say the same (when drinking made him happy).
we were together off and on since i was 15, im turning 24. he is my first love, and i never got over him when we were "off" and always thought wed be together. I knew him before he became an alkie/addict.
i just cant imagine finding someone i like who treats me well, AND who i have as much chemistry and mutually like. because when we were off i did try- and nothing. it was just him.
its hard for me to do no contact because i know now with the communication lines broken, it will get harder to reconnect and i still have this unlike hope well get backtogether! that hell want me again. its crazy. and he doesnt seem to want that or have hope at all. and THAT is what REALLY hurts.
and even though i am a catch, i cant help but think about how he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me . and as he indirectly told me hes content with it, where i still cry everyday. its been 5 months (3 since we really stopped)
i am only on the beginning of step 3 (and looking forward to 4 and being closer to recovery).
i am hoping it will get better. i remember the other times we broke up how it i always had hope and wanted to get back together, and now i realize this just cant and wont happen anyway.
thahnks for listening.
i know i have posted the same stuff but it does help to get it out there since it is painful to journal alone, and not having anyone there for me as i go through this.
I just cant stop obsessing about the past and trying to figure out where it went wrong, what red flags i missed, coulda woulda shouldas, guilt, whether or not hes seeing someone or if hes over me (yet), our good times, was it really that bad?, all the tmes he did nice stuff that i resented, or nagged him because i wanted better things for him (though he didnt). why i couldnt stay away and ran a once special bond into the ground by thinking thinks could change.
i know i shouldnt care but i dwell on my loss, and think my axbf tried his best, and though i dont think you can have a normal or healthy relationship with one, and i couldnt really watch him be self destructive when I care about him.., theres a part of me (my ego) that is sad because i feel like he doesnt want me, and im not good enough for him (hes not exactly begging me back). i know i keep going in circles, but im JUST SO STUCK and im stuck in the past. i feel like we had good times but i made them worse by being unhappy and never giving him respect, admiration, and nothing less than a hard time about everything. so i understand why he wouldnt want to be with me- i couldnt meet his needs (someone who would be ok with what hes doing and leave him alone) and he couldnt be mine (emotionally available all of the time, and maybe more attentive although i am codependent and maybe a bit needy/clingy which ofcourse is another thing to add to my regrets). But i still feel bad because amongst him not coming home when he said he was going to, or calling etc and bothing me as he was always drinking etc. had a job where he could and then afterwards..., he made the effort to do nice things and i do think he tried to be a good boyfriend and make me happy. and i cant say the same. i spent my time manipulating and trying to control, and show him the light. he just wanted me to be happy. i cant say the same (when drinking made him happy).
we were together off and on since i was 15, im turning 24. he is my first love, and i never got over him when we were "off" and always thought wed be together. I knew him before he became an alkie/addict.
i just cant imagine finding someone i like who treats me well, AND who i have as much chemistry and mutually like. because when we were off i did try- and nothing. it was just him.
its hard for me to do no contact because i know now with the communication lines broken, it will get harder to reconnect and i still have this unlike hope well get backtogether! that hell want me again. its crazy. and he doesnt seem to want that or have hope at all. and THAT is what REALLY hurts.
and even though i am a catch, i cant help but think about how he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me . and as he indirectly told me hes content with it, where i still cry everyday. its been 5 months (3 since we really stopped)
i am only on the beginning of step 3 (and looking forward to 4 and being closer to recovery).
i am hoping it will get better. i remember the other times we broke up how it i always had hope and wanted to get back together, and now i realize this just cant and wont happen anyway.
thahnks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
i feel like he doesnt want me,
hes not exactly begging me back
he doesnt seem to want that or have hope at all.
i cant help but think about how he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me
genrs - what do YOU want?
You seem like you're playing the same game in your head that addicts play:
They only remember all the fun they had while they were high/drunk.
They think if they try it again it will be different his time.
Obviously there were problems in your relationship - all relationships are 50/50 so you don't get to take all the blame.
Maybe part of the reason you can't make sense of this is because you knew him before he tried drugs alcohol and so you are still holding onto a fantasy of him that no longer exists. He is an alcoholic. The sober guy you met no longer exists. He is a changed man.
Don't you have a single image of him wasted and unavailable emotionally to you?
Play the "walk down memory lane" tapes all the way through - don't fast forward past the gritty ugly painful unfair stuff.
try not to sabotage your early recovery - the only way to stop obsessing is to stop obsessing.
Try having some positive thoughts that you can repeat over and over instead of these obsessive thoughts.
Thoughts that will propel you toward your new life and new adventures and yes, my bet is, you even will LOVE again!!! And if you work for it it will be with a healthy non addicted man who you can share your life with!!
Here are some thoughts I repeat to myself to help me beat obsessive thinking:
"The past is gone: I am free in this moment."
"I now create a safe joyous future."
"Who am I and what do I want?"
Good luck - it is so very hard to let go and trust the process of life - it is painful - just keep trying and doing the best you can one day at a time.
Peace- & (((hugs)))
B.
hes not exactly begging me back
he doesnt seem to want that or have hope at all.
i cant help but think about how he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me
genrs - what do YOU want?
You seem like you're playing the same game in your head that addicts play:
They only remember all the fun they had while they were high/drunk.
They think if they try it again it will be different his time.
Obviously there were problems in your relationship - all relationships are 50/50 so you don't get to take all the blame.
Maybe part of the reason you can't make sense of this is because you knew him before he tried drugs alcohol and so you are still holding onto a fantasy of him that no longer exists. He is an alcoholic. The sober guy you met no longer exists. He is a changed man.
Don't you have a single image of him wasted and unavailable emotionally to you?
Play the "walk down memory lane" tapes all the way through - don't fast forward past the gritty ugly painful unfair stuff.
try not to sabotage your early recovery - the only way to stop obsessing is to stop obsessing.
Try having some positive thoughts that you can repeat over and over instead of these obsessive thoughts.
Thoughts that will propel you toward your new life and new adventures and yes, my bet is, you even will LOVE again!!! And if you work for it it will be with a healthy non addicted man who you can share your life with!!
Here are some thoughts I repeat to myself to help me beat obsessive thinking:
"The past is gone: I am free in this moment."
"I now create a safe joyous future."
"Who am I and what do I want?"
Good luck - it is so very hard to let go and trust the process of life - it is painful - just keep trying and doing the best you can one day at a time.
Peace- & (((hugs)))
B.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
genrs123, I know exactly how you feel because I am right there too only I haven't left yet. I wonder "why aren't I good enough" and wonder why he won't fight harder to save our relationship when he tells me how much he loves me and wants to build a life together. How can you say that to someone and not fight for it???
I have to keep reminding myself that although I believe he really does love me the addiction will not allow anything to get in its way. He would rather lose his home (which he designed when he was a freshman in high school and built when he made it as a stockbroker so there's a lot of emotional attachment to it), me, his family and everything before losing the addiction.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's not me personally - it wouldn't really matter who was here. They'd be treated the same way. Knowing it doesn't make it any easier though.
I can't meet his needs either - and they're exactly the same as your exabf. I can't be ok with it and leave him alone. He's in binge mode right now and I was told tonight that although he loves me more than anything I have to learn to live with it or leave. Living with it is not an option for me.
Please know that the rejection has nothing to do with you - it's the addiction. It's destructive and all consuming and will reject anything or anyone that tries to come between them and their addiction.
It's incredible what addiction does to a partners self esteem.
I have to keep reminding myself that although I believe he really does love me the addiction will not allow anything to get in its way. He would rather lose his home (which he designed when he was a freshman in high school and built when he made it as a stockbroker so there's a lot of emotional attachment to it), me, his family and everything before losing the addiction.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's not me personally - it wouldn't really matter who was here. They'd be treated the same way. Knowing it doesn't make it any easier though.
I can't meet his needs either - and they're exactly the same as your exabf. I can't be ok with it and leave him alone. He's in binge mode right now and I was told tonight that although he loves me more than anything I have to learn to live with it or leave. Living with it is not an option for me.
Please know that the rejection has nothing to do with you - it's the addiction. It's destructive and all consuming and will reject anything or anyone that tries to come between them and their addiction.
It's incredible what addiction does to a partners self esteem.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by gnrs123
I just cant stop obsessing about the past and trying to figure out where it went wrong, what red flags i missed, coulda woulda shouldas, guilt, whether or not hes seeing someone or if hes over me (yet), our good times, was it really that bad?, all the tmes he did nice stuff that i resented, or nagged him because i wanted better things for him (though he didnt). why i couldnt stay away and ran a once special bond into the ground by thinking thinks could change.
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
[Don't you have a single image of him wasted and unavailable emotionally to you?
Play the "walk down memory lane" tapes all the way through - don't fast forward past the gritty ugly painful unfair stuff.
try not to sabotage your early recovery - the only way to stop obsessing is to stop obsessing.
Try having some positive thoughts that you can repeat over and over instead of these obsessive thoughts.
Thoughts that will propel you toward your new life and new adventures and yes, my bet is, you even will LOVE again!!! And if you work for it it will be with a healthy non addicted man who you can share your life with!!
Here are some thoughts I repeat to myself to help me beat obsessive thinking:
"The past is gone: I am free in this moment."
"I now create a safe joyous future."
"Who am I and what do I want?"
Good luck - it is so very hard to let go and trust the process of life - it is painful - just keep trying and doing the best you can one day at a time.
Peace- & (((hugs)))
B.
Play the "walk down memory lane" tapes all the way through - don't fast forward past the gritty ugly painful unfair stuff.
try not to sabotage your early recovery - the only way to stop obsessing is to stop obsessing.
Try having some positive thoughts that you can repeat over and over instead of these obsessive thoughts.
Thoughts that will propel you toward your new life and new adventures and yes, my bet is, you even will LOVE again!!! And if you work for it it will be with a healthy non addicted man who you can share your life with!!
Here are some thoughts I repeat to myself to help me beat obsessive thinking:
"The past is gone: I am free in this moment."
"I now create a safe joyous future."
"Who am I and what do I want?"
Good luck - it is so very hard to let go and trust the process of life - it is painful - just keep trying and doing the best you can one day at a time.
Peace- & (((hugs)))
B.
Thank you, so much. this is helpful your right. some of the tape seems to have gotten "destroyed" (by me). its hard. i want to have a healthy relationship but, i just cant see myself with anyone but this person. i know we cant, but i just dont have hope to find someone else. we did have a very special bond and he did bring a lot of joy, and good into my life... ive never felt more understood or had more chemistry with anyone. sigh. better find the "destroyed" tapes and start rolling them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Tryingtobefree
I have to keep reminding myself that although I believe he really does love me the addiction will not allow anything to get in its way. He would rather lose his home (which he designed when he was a freshman in high school and built when he made it as a stockbroker so there's a lot of emotional attachment to it), me, his family and everything before losing the addiction.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's not me personally - it wouldn't really matter who was here. They'd be treated the same way. Knowing it doesn't make it any easier though.
.
its hard.
im sorry for what youre going through. from my experience it is the most heartbreaking thing ever.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
Genrs,
I know it's hard to imagine that things now are as they're supposed to be. But there is value in this pain. Even though it feels bad - really bad - it's important for you for some reason. Maybe to inform you, motivate you, strengthen you - to help move you to where you're supposed to be. Keep hangin' on. Because (slowly, but surely) "BETTER" will show itself to you.
Take care of yourself!
TH
I know it's hard to imagine that things now are as they're supposed to be. But there is value in this pain. Even though it feels bad - really bad - it's important for you for some reason. Maybe to inform you, motivate you, strengthen you - to help move you to where you're supposed to be. Keep hangin' on. Because (slowly, but surely) "BETTER" will show itself to you.
Take care of yourself!
TH
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
It is very hard. I think we can't help but feel that there must be something wrong with us. Even though I now know it has nothing to do with me and was this way for years before we met it still hurts so much to know that in the end I'm not worth more to him than the alcohol.
Like you I'm considered a catch too - so why doesn't he think I'm a catch and change so we can be together? Instead, we're the ones who are expected to change and accept the unacceptable so we can be together.
I'm slowly trying to find my way out of this mess but honestly I've never had anything knock me on my @$$ the way this does.
Like you I'm considered a catch too - so why doesn't he think I'm a catch and change so we can be together? Instead, we're the ones who are expected to change and accept the unacceptable so we can be together.
I'm slowly trying to find my way out of this mess but honestly I've never had anything knock me on my @$$ the way this does.
caughtup
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
I too am there, I haven't left yet, but I have been talking to him about it. Not to him about his drinking, he never thinks he has a problem with that, even though he drinks every day all day. Its not a problem because he never "acts drunk" and works every day. Anyway, I totally relate, one reason we are talking and I am not leaving; I went through a divorce before, I am not sure if I am ready to go through the pain and loneliness again . . . on the other hand, I don't want to live like this either. I do know about obsessing about the past and wondering, if I did this maybe it would have worked out, I did that with my ex and I don't want to go through that again ... so much to think about, but you broke away, and now looking back I know getting away from my ex as hard as that was, was the best thing I did. Hang in there, it does get better, making that break is the biggest most difficult step. keep writing, we are here for you.
Trying to find a path
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
I'm slowly trying to find my way out of this mess but honestly I've never had anything knock me on my @$$ the way this does.
Like getting hit with a building. Over and Over and Over ...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by sslusser
Like getting hit with a building. Over and Over and Over ...
and realizing I was the one that kept running underneath that building
makes me tired just thinking about it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Crawfordville, FL
Posts: 33
I agree with Tryingtobefree 100%. I hate this...I am not getting any better. I still hurt just as bad. Why is it so easy for some people to just move on? I have tried so hard to Let Go and Let God But I just keep getting knocked back down.
Hang in There everyone. What else can we do?
Peace and Love
Hang in There everyone. What else can we do?
Peace and Love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
i dont feel like a catch so much anymore as my self esteem diminished and my depression increased, and AXBF probably doesnt think so either... seeing as how i was a miserable person when we were dating (and now afterwards)...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Perhaps consider a few sessions of individual therapy to explore what underlying issues you have that could be causing you to think and feel this way? I found jsut a few sessions to be very helpful at a number of points in my recovery. A professional can be very good at pointing out things you can't or aren't willing to see on your own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
I was actually thinking of starting a new post regarding problems im having with my therapist.
ive gone to several in the last few years- and this one was an improvement but she doesnt think im codependent. the only method of therapy she uses is cognitive, (change your thoughts change your feelings) but she doesnt understand that i cant change MISSING SOMEONE, particularly the love of my life. and i just dont think im getting enough out of therapy.
actually yeah, im going to get some feedback here.
i do think i need a new therapist.
ive gone to several in the last few years- and this one was an improvement but she doesnt think im codependent. the only method of therapy she uses is cognitive, (change your thoughts change your feelings) but she doesnt understand that i cant change MISSING SOMEONE, particularly the love of my life. and i just dont think im getting enough out of therapy.
actually yeah, im going to get some feedback here.
i do think i need a new therapist.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sigh...
Hello friends...
This is my first post, I am glad I am here, you all are very nice people from what I read.
The dramatic events in my life involve my parents' divorce when I was 3, the lack of the masculine figure throughout life (and the consistent bad decisions about partners and sex), a rape and now beginning a new life in a new city after a breakup with this alcoholic I once called Love of My Life - while at the same time receiving news about a possible cervical cancer.
I am 26 and as you imagine, right now a total wreck
I am away from my friends and my family. Of course I work together with my ex and he keeps bragging to me about all the fun he's had lately. His friends do not hesitate to remind me of all the beatiful, young ladies in town and about all the fun he has already had with some of them. Nice chaps!! I thought about telling them to stop it but I decided to keep using that material as proof of my good decision. Him knowing I am severely affected by his acts would only give him more power...
I already ran into him and a lady with questionable morality -which makes her even more compatible with the gentleman in question-, all laughing, even bragging when I saw them and I was just tears. Ouch! I had to take antidepressants. Not the best days of my life. You are lucky you do not have to see the ex daily and find him in such situations.
It is horrible, after so much you have lived together and they can just waltz around and move on. But many times reality is not what it seems to be. Things are not what they look like.
When I broke up the guy was drunk -obviously- and the final punch were his words "well, everything has its moment... you should not depend so much on other people". OUCH!!
It hurts to open your eyes to reality but I guess that is why we are human.
Our natural response is to get rid of pain, whatever happens, even if it means staying in a place you really KNOW in your heart you no longer belong to. I guess for many people it is easier to keep the status quo so they lie to themselves saying they are happy, when they are afraid of change and they just settle for much less than their dream of themselves and life in general. Facing the unknown takes incredible faith in oneself and in God (for believers)
Thank you for the great insights. What keeps me going:
- the ex could have been with Giselle Bundchen and no, he would STILL prefer Mr. Jack Daniels above her
- the ex can be f***** ALL the girls in town, but so what? I could be with a different guy daily if I wished. The alcoholic's heart BELONGS to the drink. Just as he could not love me, he cannot love anyone. He does not even love himself. And yes, he can have sex. And appear to have fun numbing his senses. Is that happiness? Hardly. I think it is called DECEIT.
- the ex is not exactly trying to get me back either. Ouch! But well, why would I want that? to feed my ego? to be tempted back to hell? I am sorry but the opinion of a coward is NOT more important than the opinion I have of myself (for starters a very brave, unique woman just as everyone else here going through this). I would tend to believe his opinion Is Reality and mine is non-existant. Not anymore baby! I am brand new!
- I am just sorry about my lack of good judgment on his person. But I ratified and ACTED. Not only did I act, but I am facing my pain without alcohol, drugs, or the arms of a random guy. In fact as a new comer I have no friends yet to resort to, or even TV. No distractions!! Even if it sucks now and the ex seems "he has moved on already and cannot bear so much happiness now that he is finally free from me" THIS IS A LIE! Time will prove that we, on the pursuit of REAL happiness had to change the cast in our lives. This is not a failure, just an experience.
- We are young and free to love a good man who makes us not to surf for any more support groups but let's say, a vacation deal in Barbados
- Remember, our lessons are really hard lately, and we are living tough times. The alcoholics are not in an alternate Mother Earth riding a Ferrari unto the sunset without anything else happening to them. Just as I had to take care of myself and hit bottom with this loser to learn that, everybody else is facing their own "rock-bottoms" as well, and the lessons become tougher and tougher when you keep being in denial. Our exes are not Gods without facing consequences. They will face everything they have done and it will be heart breaking for them. They WILL realize which people really cared. How they hurt us with words and acts. And how little value they gave to something so precious. This will happen. It is only a matter of time. Fortunately we do not have to wait with them, I gather this can take several lifetimes.
- We are always alone. How are you getting along with yourself? I have been my Worst Enemy. My inner self the one I need to be OK with. No one else matters. Ourselves, and God if you believe... these are sources of real strength.
I write down everything and cry as I have never in my life. I miss him, his company and his friendship. All the good times.
I visualize myself going to the funeral of the loved one and seeing the alcoholic for what it is, the one I see now. He is no longer the man I loved. Just a pathetic loser, lost.
I attend my own funeral too, the woman without self esteem letting the alcoholic hurt her so much while she shut up because she was afraid he would not approve of her. She is dead, too.
It gets better.
It has been of great help to me reading all your comments and knowing I am not the only one going through this.
Good luck everyone! And sorry for all the rambling. Yes you should seek another therapist, the chemistry should be right. I for now will be calling mine to go once again. Let's tackle this sick obsession and get rid of it right away. We CAN do it and I cannot wait for what is next now that I have learned so much
We will reap our rewards, all this has its purpose. We'll make it through, you'll see...
This is my first post, I am glad I am here, you all are very nice people from what I read.
The dramatic events in my life involve my parents' divorce when I was 3, the lack of the masculine figure throughout life (and the consistent bad decisions about partners and sex), a rape and now beginning a new life in a new city after a breakup with this alcoholic I once called Love of My Life - while at the same time receiving news about a possible cervical cancer.
I am 26 and as you imagine, right now a total wreck
I am away from my friends and my family. Of course I work together with my ex and he keeps bragging to me about all the fun he's had lately. His friends do not hesitate to remind me of all the beatiful, young ladies in town and about all the fun he has already had with some of them. Nice chaps!! I thought about telling them to stop it but I decided to keep using that material as proof of my good decision. Him knowing I am severely affected by his acts would only give him more power...I already ran into him and a lady with questionable morality -which makes her even more compatible with the gentleman in question-, all laughing, even bragging when I saw them and I was just tears. Ouch! I had to take antidepressants. Not the best days of my life. You are lucky you do not have to see the ex daily and find him in such situations.
It is horrible, after so much you have lived together and they can just waltz around and move on. But many times reality is not what it seems to be. Things are not what they look like.
When I broke up the guy was drunk -obviously- and the final punch were his words "well, everything has its moment... you should not depend so much on other people". OUCH!!
It hurts to open your eyes to reality but I guess that is why we are human.
Our natural response is to get rid of pain, whatever happens, even if it means staying in a place you really KNOW in your heart you no longer belong to. I guess for many people it is easier to keep the status quo so they lie to themselves saying they are happy, when they are afraid of change and they just settle for much less than their dream of themselves and life in general. Facing the unknown takes incredible faith in oneself and in God (for believers)
Thank you for the great insights. What keeps me going:
- the ex could have been with Giselle Bundchen and no, he would STILL prefer Mr. Jack Daniels above her
- the ex can be f***** ALL the girls in town, but so what? I could be with a different guy daily if I wished. The alcoholic's heart BELONGS to the drink. Just as he could not love me, he cannot love anyone. He does not even love himself. And yes, he can have sex. And appear to have fun numbing his senses. Is that happiness? Hardly. I think it is called DECEIT.
- the ex is not exactly trying to get me back either. Ouch! But well, why would I want that? to feed my ego? to be tempted back to hell? I am sorry but the opinion of a coward is NOT more important than the opinion I have of myself (for starters a very brave, unique woman just as everyone else here going through this). I would tend to believe his opinion Is Reality and mine is non-existant. Not anymore baby! I am brand new!
- I am just sorry about my lack of good judgment on his person. But I ratified and ACTED. Not only did I act, but I am facing my pain without alcohol, drugs, or the arms of a random guy. In fact as a new comer I have no friends yet to resort to, or even TV. No distractions!! Even if it sucks now and the ex seems "he has moved on already and cannot bear so much happiness now that he is finally free from me" THIS IS A LIE! Time will prove that we, on the pursuit of REAL happiness had to change the cast in our lives. This is not a failure, just an experience.
- We are young and free to love a good man who makes us not to surf for any more support groups but let's say, a vacation deal in Barbados
- Remember, our lessons are really hard lately, and we are living tough times. The alcoholics are not in an alternate Mother Earth riding a Ferrari unto the sunset without anything else happening to them. Just as I had to take care of myself and hit bottom with this loser to learn that, everybody else is facing their own "rock-bottoms" as well, and the lessons become tougher and tougher when you keep being in denial. Our exes are not Gods without facing consequences. They will face everything they have done and it will be heart breaking for them. They WILL realize which people really cared. How they hurt us with words and acts. And how little value they gave to something so precious. This will happen. It is only a matter of time. Fortunately we do not have to wait with them, I gather this can take several lifetimes.
- We are always alone. How are you getting along with yourself? I have been my Worst Enemy. My inner self the one I need to be OK with. No one else matters. Ourselves, and God if you believe... these are sources of real strength.
I write down everything and cry as I have never in my life. I miss him, his company and his friendship. All the good times.
I visualize myself going to the funeral of the loved one and seeing the alcoholic for what it is, the one I see now. He is no longer the man I loved. Just a pathetic loser, lost.
I attend my own funeral too, the woman without self esteem letting the alcoholic hurt her so much while she shut up because she was afraid he would not approve of her. She is dead, too.
It gets better.
It has been of great help to me reading all your comments and knowing I am not the only one going through this.
Good luck everyone! And sorry for all the rambling. Yes you should seek another therapist, the chemistry should be right. I for now will be calling mine to go once again. Let's tackle this sick obsession and get rid of it right away. We CAN do it and I cannot wait for what is next now that I have learned so much
We will reap our rewards, all this has its purpose. We'll make it through, you'll see...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Dreamer999
Hello friends...
This is my first post, I am glad I am here, you all are very nice people from what I read.
This is my first post, I am glad I am here, you all are very nice people from what I read.
I cant believe that is your FIRST post. i got SO much out of this, and will really look forward to reading ALL your other posts.
Thanks for responding to mine, I think you should post this in its own thread- because there are a lot of other people who might benefit but miss it otherwise.
Anyway, i love what you said and it is inspiring.
I cant believe you work with him. Mine worked 2 jobs a block away, (i live near a "hip" part of town) where his friends also work, his bands play, and his bars are. i was seeing him a LOT. not to mention my co-op, i was a working member, a regular worker, and a frequent shopper (it was like my kitchen) is also RIGHT there. I had to change my hours. i rarely go anymore.
This was hard part-the anxiety of knowing anytime i left my house he could be there, or riding his bike on the way there. (he has no money for a car).
BUT- maybe it is a good reminder as to why you dont want to be with him.
At one point several years ago the ex and i broke up and i ended up moving in to a warehouse- and his girlfriend lived there. but for some reason, i wasn't as invested or attached, etc tc. and i remember i could look objectively and maybe it was just to protect my heart but it SEEMED like i was fine. my other roommate at the time, one of my best friends now says i was jealous but i guess in hindsight, i remember it like i was glad i didnt want to be with him. haha. ofcourse when they broke up and he moved, I contacted him and that was the start of 3 years of exactly the opposite...
Maybe you dont have to tell his friends to stop, but maybe you could just not talk to them. thats really mean, in my opinion. ouch is right.
he sounds like a jerk. some of the guilt i feel in my situation is that he wasnt such a jerk, and i was mean to him since i resented him and was so codependent. So sometimes i feel like the jerk, as i brought a lot of negativity. but i will try to remember some of the things that keep you going- that still apply. like choosing jack daniels over me.
sometimes its hard. i lost the tapes that realistically show that i wasnt happy- and just replay the ones that show what a great boyfriend he was, or how happy i was at times and wonder if it could work out or if i messed up.
i hope its true, and i hope it is in his lifetime that he realizes i cared and that i was just sick too.
anyway you are VERY inspiring and strong and i will keep this post on hand when i need some strength, too.
thanks again for sharing, this was truly great.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 46
Gnrs123 -- I also live partly in your world, focusing on the rejection from the axh and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he's not begging me to come back.
One thing that's helped me is to write down the really ****** things he's said to me over the past few months so I can remind myself why I do NOT need the kind of life and "love" he's offering up. You might try that as well.
One thing that's helped me is to write down the really ****** things he's said to me over the past few months so I can remind myself why I do NOT need the kind of life and "love" he's offering up. You might try that as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
dont have time to post much since my little alarm is crying to be fed, but i just wanted to let you know that i do and feel the same way you do, i know exactly how you feel, even now that hes out of my life i still just run it through my head constantly over and over of things i could have done differently, things i shouldnt have gotten mad about and i just have to realize im not a saint and thats the only person that could put up with an alcoholic and be perfectly happy while doing it and im actually happier without the stress of him in my life
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