westcoastalexis

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure where to start so I'll start at the begining

I met my fiance 4 years ago through a mutual friend. When we first met we both smoked pot and drank heavily. Eventually I grew tired of the partying and started living a much more moderate lifestyle. The transition has not been as easy for my fiance.

He has unsecessfully tried to quit smoking pot twice. Both times he had severe mood swings which lasted for weeks at a time and would drink excessively. After 3 or 4 months of not smoking up he would start smoking again. I have been supportive through these attempts and recognize that he doesn't want to live like this forever, he promised that he would give it up before the wedding. He has, however, made it clear that he really does like smoking pot as it helps him relax and he likes getting high.

We are now 5 months away from our wedding and I am getting more and more anxious as the weeks pass. I am no longer happy living like this and recognize that I can't control his use. The only thing I can control is whether I remain in this relationship and get married to an addict. Last weekend I told him that if he doesn't seek outside help for this that I will not marry him in April. I gave him one week to make up his mind and provided him with some contact information for different counsellors near our home.

He has made it clear that he doesn't intend on ever seeking professional help for his problems. He has set a quit date, which is December 11, but to be honest I just don't feel like this is good enough for me. I keep hoping that he will change his mind but at the same time I know he doesn't take me seriously when I say that I'll cancel the wedding. I don't blame him, there has been times where I have put my foot down only to change my mind later.

I feel like I am being cruel by threatening him. I don't know what else to do, I love him so much but refuse to cater to his disease for any longer. This morning while talking on the phone he said he is willing to come a compromise but I don't know what an acceptable compromise would look like. I don't want to feel like I'm cheating myself out of a good marraige by letting him get his way once again.

I just feel lost, lonely and scared... I don't know what to do or where to start.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

westcoastalexis

Thank you for your response. I'm trying very hard to stick to the boundaries that I have set. I am terrified though that he will just walk away from me and our relationship.

In the end I know that it is better to go through this now than once we're married, I still can't believe how difficult it is.

In reading some of the posts on this board I have learned what marraige to an addict involves. I don't want that life for myself.

I think I was just looking for reasurrance that I wasn't being unreasonable.

Thank you.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

You are, in no way, being unreasonable. In fact, I think you're pretty darn smart to be dealing with this now, before getting married to him.

I'm glad you've read some other posts here and realize what being married to an addict involves.

As far as if he just walks away from you and your relationship....if pot is that important to him now, imagine how it will be in a few years.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Tryingtobefree

Welcome, Alexis. I am in the same situation you are although we don't have a firm wedding date and my fiances DOC is alcohol. It's a very sad and scary place to be.

One thing I have learned - pay attention to what he's really telling you both by words and behavior. I wish I had really listened when we were in the counselors office and he said that he did not ever want to quit and the counselor looked at me and said "You now know everything you need to know".

I didn't want to hear it then and still don't. I keep hoping that one of the attempts he makes at being sober will stick.

No one knows but you how you really feel and what you really want.

Read the stickies at the top - they are tremendously helpful and everyone here is very wise and understanding. One thing that has really struck me here is how even though the DOC is different the stories and experiences are incredibly similar.

jerect

Hi and welcome to SR... I'm married to an addict and I can assure you that it is no walk in the park..

I would seriously think about YOU and your happiness right now above anyone elses including your fiance..

His words tell you that he wants to quit using.. but what are his actions telling you? Why is he wanting to wait until Dec 11th to quit drugs? If he wants to quit that bad, why not stop right now and seek the help he needs.. There are plenty of AA and NA meetings out there and they are free.. all he has to do is just go..

I could be wrong but I'm betting when Dec 11th gets here, he will have an excuse as to why he is still using.. he will set another deadline and then another and then another..

TTOSBT

Welcome WC! :ghug
Yup, I was going to say that you should be more terrified of actually marrying an active addict and starting a family with him. I think (always scary) that you should stay firm on your stance that he get professional help or the wedding is off and possibly the relationship. The Dec 11 quit date is nonsense, really. Just quacking. You can not control this, it is his demon to fight and he has told you that he still views it as his friend. Not a lot you can do about that.

Keep posting and reading.

Oh yea, Tryintobefree Welcome to you too honey! Good luck and take care of you. :ghug

hello-kitty

Hi Alexis. I hate to break it to you but he's not going to change just because he is getting married. Marry the man exactly the way he is and expect him to smoke pot for the rest of his life. Or don't marry him.

If he chooses drugs over your relationship, that probably proves he wasn't worthy of you in the first place.

imallright

Oh, Amen to all of the above. Honey, take care of you. I didn't, it didn't get better. And, Tryingtobefree... your counselor is 100, not 1000 % correct. Just listen to your heart and take care of you!!!!!

marle

Welcome to SR. You are very wise to know that you can't control your fiance. It is not unreasonable to want to have a good life. Living with an active addict will not provide you with that. The sad thing is that if he is not ready to quit and get some help, you are left with no other choice than to cancel the wedding. Addicts love their drugs more than the people who care about them. I have been through so much with my daughter, who is my addict, in the last 4 years. And although she is clean today, I still would advise anyone thinking about marrying her to run like heck the other way. Hugs to you as you make this difficult choice. Marle

westcoastalexis

Thanks again for all of your support. I am happy to report that last night my fiance broke down into tears and promised to do whatever it took to keep me. I'm optimistic about our future but cautious because I know that some of these promises are empty or short lived. We plan of sitting down tonight to talk about his recovery plan and which counselling centre he is going to attend. Thank goodness we live in Canada because we couldn't afford to pay for it on our own and there are so many centres here that are government funded!

I'm defintiely going to stick around here for a while and keep reading the boards, there are so many wise and kind people here that I know I could learn so much from.

xoxo

wooforever

well it is better you find out if you want to stay with him now then later. You sound like you are not sure that you want to get married anymore. If you have any doubts then I would say postpone that wedding now.

hello-kitty

Actions not words Alexis... Recovery from addiction requires pretty much a lifetime commitment. And Addict only recover because they have hit the bottom of their addiction, NOT for their family or significant other. Sure maybe the threat of losing you is enough but that isn't usually the case.

I see you are in BC. My best friend just got back from a 2 month treatment program on vancouver island - edgewood. It's very strict and she said it was a really good program. You may want to check that out. But in the meantime, keep in mind that recovery requires ACTION. So don't put too much stock in his words or his tears. Promises are nice but they mean nothing when it comes to addiction.

In the meantime, how about putting the wedding on hold until you see that he is truly changing and not just saying he's going to.

dogged

I would postpone the wedding until you see some signifanct changes, and that takes years for true recovery, its not just about quitting the drug, its about behavior modification as well,