winnie12

I feel like i've been runover by a truck. I havent slept much the last few days. AS will have his court date tomorrow and I really wish I didnt have to go because i dont even want to look at him right now. I dont want to cry anymore but i know i will when i see him. The pain that he has caused is just unbearable. I saw my doctor yesterday because i just feel so bad. She gave me some samples of a prescription to help with the anxiety and panic attacks i've been having and today said she would send in a small prescription so i could sleep. All I really want is one full night sleep and I know i'll feel the world better. I cannot wait till bed time when i can finally fall asleep and not wake up every 15 minutes - hopefully tomorrow with some real rest my mind will be more at ease.

I just feel nothing towards my son right now. Its a very dark feeling to have but he just hurt me too much this time. When I think of him i just dont see my child anymore - I've had to put up the photos i have of him because i cant look at them. I dont want to go through my life having these dramatic episodes of not knowing if he's dead or alive. I'm so scared that it will never end because no matter how much I emotionally detach its still me who gets called when there is a problem so I cant stay away from it. Yesterday I didnt even want to take his insulin to him in jail - luckily his PO said he would do it for me - the court seems to understand what this did to me this time so I'm thankful for that. I still have to go pick up his possessions from rehab but they said they would give me a few days because they also understood that i was at my limit right now.

This would be so much easier if it wasnt my child and was just someone i could walk away from. I love him and always will but somtimes i wish i didnt because its so painful loving a child who only has pain to offer.

Freedom1990

I understand that feeling of just NOT feeling anything towards him. I've been there with my oldest AD for a long long time now.

:ghug :ghug

lagrutke

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree that it is extremely hard when it is your child. I think it is hard when they are a teen because they are usually also rebellious and think they are invincible. At least he is safe now. Take some time for yourself now.

caileesnana

It is a hard road we travel when our kids dive into the drug world. The only thing that helped me was this group, face to face meeting, reading something encourageing, and praying. Be sure to get rest and relaxation. take a long walk, hot bath, just BE for a few minutes. Give your mind a little time to heal.

Prayers for you and yours
susan

wooforever

Hang in there, it will all be okay in the end. He might have to do some growing up this time. You only can do so much. It is his life and he will have to make the choice if he wants help or not. Until he hits his rock bottom there is nothing you can do about it.

I know it is hard right now but at least he is some place safe. If the court tells him he has to back to rehab he will do the same thing run. He might be better of in Jail right now.

Hang in there it does get better. We are mothers and we will always want to fix them and we will always love them. But as mothers we do not have to like our kids or like the choices they make. All we can do is teach them right from wrong and let them decided what they are going to do.

Take care and god bless you in this time of need

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Winnie))))

Lots and lots of hugs!

Chino

I know that feeling too. There were a few times when I felt my daughter and the rest of us would be better off if she were dead. There were times I prayed that God just take her now if this is what all of our lives would be like from now on. Thankfully God knows better because I was begging for her life when she was in an accident.

What helped me get past those dark days and onto detachment and serenity, was a lot of prayer, regular meetings with my therapist, AlAnon meetings and this board. I hated the place I was in and knew I was the only one who could get me out of it.

Hang in there winnie, we're all here for you.

winnie12

Chino thank you for admitting those dark thoughts. i have had them too and feel so bad about what runs through my head. i know that it would be worse but sometimes i just feel like we're delaying the inevitable.

grateful2b

Winnie,I am soory for your pain...
I have had all those feelings and yes, put the pictures away for a long time because I couldn't bear to be reminded of healthier times...and I shared Chino's dark wish, before I was willing to let God take over...
we all understand...these are normal feelings to have given your experiences...give yourself the space to feel them and know it is your right as a human being, no guilt...
hitting our bottom is a blessing in disguise...take care and nurture 'you' now...and know that God has a plan for your son, hugs, Grateful

sistergldnhair

Winnie, I feel so terrible that you have to go through this. At the very least, he is safe somewhere, and not still out running the streets. I hope that he soon will give in, and realize that he cannot live this way, he's so young.

Prayers and good thoughts to you, as you try to get some well needed rest (with a little pharmaceutical help LOL). Sleep well, sweetie.

Eileen

Impurrfect

(((Winnie)))

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I do know that when I was going through all the stuff with the recent robbery, I felt that if I could just get some SLEEP, I would feel better. I finally went to my dr. and got some samples (non narcotic) and slept for 12 hours. The next day I DID feel better. Problems weren't solved, by a long shot, but I did feel better.

I don't have any kids, but I WAS the kid putting my dad through what you're going through. Not only did he have the dark thoughts, he told me once that he hated me. I knew he didn't, but he had every right to be angry and hurt.

I say do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Your son will face his consequences and that is the best thing for him.

I know if my dad had not taken care of himself and had let himself go down with MY sinking ship of addiction, we would not have the awesome relationship we have now. Yes, he cried, he cussed, he worried...but he kept on going on with his life, and he made me realize that no matter what life throws us, even I could overcome the obstacles.

Get some sleep, and know that I continue sending hugs and prayers to you and your family.

Amy

sistergldnhair

Here is just a bump up on the post for Winnie..hoping that you had a decent nights rest...at least enough to give you the strength to get through court today. Hope everything goes smooth, I guess as smooth as anything can go at this point. We're here for you!

Eileen

winnie12

Thank you all.

I do feel much better today. Slept good except that at 2:30 a.m. the phone rings and its the local childrens hospital (yes the one he would go to if there was a problem). It was a wrong number but took me about an hour to convince myself that it truly was a wrong number and go back to sleep. What are the odds of that happening during a time that i'm so worried about his health?

besides that I do feel much better - my head is much clearer and i think i can handle seeing him without breaking down. I need to control my emotions because tears will not help the situation any. I have friend on call so that if its tough i can just head over to her house right afterwards.

Impurrfect

(((Winnie)))

Lots of hugs and prayers to you!

Amy

marle

Sending my hugs and prayers too. I have also been in the place where I prayed that my daughter would die and just get it over with. She came close a couple of times due to her severe asthma, the lack of having her meds and snorting some bad heroin. But she survived and is clean today. Still struggling and has had a couple of slips with alcohol. I have learned through a lot of pain that I have to let her go and give her to God. Only He knows what her future will be. Hugs, Marle

BBD

Hi winnie, I, also, have lost millions of hours of sleep over my son. It's so hard not being able to control this person you gave birth too....I pray your day in court isn't too hard on you and its super that you have a friend to go to if needed....hugs, Bonnie

baxter

Just getting in line late but I'm wishing you the best. I know all those feelings so well. I used to feel so guilty but I don't anymore, well maybe sometimes. I don't know my AD anymore, not sure that I want to. She is a complete stranger to me.

Hugs,

krhea75

Thank you for sharing your struggle. It helps those of us that are struggling with the dark thoughts. We see you express them and we know that we are not alone. My son has been in jail for a week and he seems to be okay. It is hopefully waking him up. If it doesn't, at least it's giving me some time when I don't have to check the police beat in the morning.

Hang in there Winnie.
krhea

winnie12

Court went well. I maintained my emotion - it helped that before court I met another mother in the waiting room who son is at the beginning stages of addiction - we built each other up a bit before going into court.

My son didnt speak a word but his Judge had quite a bit to say to him. She herself had convinced the rehab to take a chance on him so she was really mad that he had hurt her good name. She also blessed him out for not at least getting word to me that he was medically safe and putting me through what he did. It was good to have someone in a public capacity standing up for me even if it doesnt mean anything to him - it meant something to me for that to be publically said. She is going to hold him until December 17th while she decides where she wants to put him. At this point all she knows is that he has to go somewhere or he will die.

I've been told that the kid who was hiding him out is going a bit psycho - threatening the kids who helped me find him and saying that once he finds out where he is he's going to bust him out again. He claims that he knows what is best for my son and how to take care of him. I'm pretty sure that my son's addictive nature is now stuck on this other kid. The good news is that I'm told this kid is going to be arrested soon for other charges and hopefully will be serving time in adult detention - i'm still trying to get charges placed on him for harboring my son. The best thing for all of us is that this kid just goes away for a while so that my son can start some real rehab. I'm really starting to think that my son's addiction is a bit more deep seeded then just substance abuse.

For now I'm just staying away - cooperating with the court but having no contact with my son. I just have nothing to say to him right now.

I thank all of you for the support here. I made it through this battle and he is safe for now. At least for the next month I dont have to worry and for that peace i'm very thankful.

sistergldnhair

Hugs to you for staying so strong. I'm glad he is safe for now. Let's all say a prayer that the other idiot is put away for while, because your son seems attached to this kid. And we all know who knows what's best for your son, and it's not him. Keep well.