FreeBird09

I contacted the AXBF today. I felt horrible, terrible, cried about each text that came through and for each time I responded. He wrote about how he is crying all the time. He asked me to keep working with my counselor about my trust issues because it is my fault we are apart, and so on... In between text messages he wrote me an e-mail stating how much I have hurt him by my mistrust of him and that I needed to pay car insurance for the month of December. We alternate payments, but I am in no shape to pay this month, and I cover other joint bills with no help from him. When he wrote about me paying the bills he told me that I needed to make the payment because he is in no shape to work, and since he left home and took nothing but a bag of clothing, and I essentially have all of his belongings, that it is my duty because of what I did to him. (Didn't trust him because he lied and was evasive all the time!) He ended it with.. I love you.

I did respond back with: "Thank you for sharing your feelings. You will need to pay that bill as I have paid xyz bill for the last 4 months... I do love you. According to this e-mail you are more seeped with anger towards me then anything. For that I feel sorry for you. I wish you the best life has to offer. I hope you decide to find a job, one that will fit into your lifestyle without crimping your style (such as I did). Better yet, the Salvation Army provides health services for free, instead of you working that program on your own, how about give them a call? I care about you and wish for you to find your way out of this mess which will lead to your own demise if you choose to stay on the path that you have been on since you were a young man, which you aren't a young man any more and your body is going to start really feeling the effects. Do you want to die? I don't want you to die, before you realize what is 80% of the problem. "

I feel emotionally drained, and it is my own fault for carrying on a conversation with him via text messaging. I broke, I snapped, I caved. I never want him to go to his grave not knowing that I love him dearly. I just can't be part of the insanity.

Tomorrow is another day. I need to depend more on God's will, rather then my own will.

cassandra2

Depend more on GOD'S strength then your own.

Dont feel too bad. Its hard to practice tough love on someone who is only concerned with themselves and blaming everyone else for their own problems.....

Good luck....prayers for you....

denny57

He knows it. He knew it yesterday, he knows it today and he'll know it tomorrow.

The great thing about recovery is I get to start my day all over again whenever I choose.

((( )))

Cynay

Sometimes it takes caving to know what you really walked away from.

I know for me, When I end a relationship and Im going throught the mourning process, sometimes I forget how self centered they were, or how distructive the relationship was to me... many times I have had to revisit that relationship so that it could knock some sense in me.... amazing how I will dismiss alot when Im feeling lonely and sad.... especially when I truely love that person.

Why not just pick it back up ... take it as a lesson learned and start looking forward. Sometimes you have to look at the stove that burned you so you remember not to touch it again.

FreeBird09

I know where to go when I need positive reinforcement, thank you everyone!

Cynay: It did give me a chance to see why I was in a no contact situation with him in the first place. I am like the 2 yr old who has to keep going back to the stove, until I am blistered! I am pretty sad today, for many reasons. The biggest one is knowing that him and I will never be again. He can be wonderful but I think he lost it somewhere in the last 4 months. He had never held onto anger towards me as much as he is now. I think it keeps him having a reason, but maybe I really hurt him by not trusting him. He didnt give me good reason to trust him. I am not good at blind faith of a faulty man (or woman)

Cynay

Strange.... I was not aware that trust was something given... I was under the impression that it was earned.

One thing that keeps me straight in my head is.....

When I start to doubt how I should be treated, what is right and wrong.... I ask myself. Would this be good enough for my daughter? If I can answer that as a no, well then I have my answer... because it is then not good enough for me. I had to stop making excusses and start thinking with my head. I dont normally choose healthy people for myself... there is a reason for that and I started to find my answers when I started to work my own program.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will only get worse if they continue to drink.

Stubborn1

You sound strong and you did your best. Hang in there. (((HUGS and PRAYERS)))