ColumbiaHeights

OK. Here goes. I found this site because I am looking for help and guidance. My boyfriend is an addict. Although his primary addiction is alcohol, he has used other drugs. He was already in NA when we met 8 months ago. In that short amount of time, we've grown to love each other quite deeply and I'm fairly certain he is who I will be with for a very long time.

I have never had alcohol or drugs of any kind. No particular reason why, I was just never interested in either. I've dated my fair share of people who were active alcoholics so I'm familiar with addiction (not in a good way) but recovery is foreign to me.

Consequently, there's been a part of me that worried about the worst but all seemed to be going well with my BF's recovery so I didn't feed that anxiety by paying attention to it. Even when I heard things like "he doesn't have a year of clean time so you know where that relationship is headed", I chose to be in the moment and in the relationship. November 18th was going to be my boyfriend's anniversary. That (apparently) important milestone where, once surpassed, our relationship would have a chance of survival... so, I invested a lot in November 18th.

He relapsed last night.

Just like that, November 18th lost all meaning. And now the threat of "he doesn't have a year of clean time so you know where that relationship is headed" is going to be in my mind for the next 365 days (or more).

I'm devastated and I don't know what to do or even how to feel. I'm feeling many things but disappointment, fear, and anger are the top three. I'm overwhelmed and profoundly saddened by the whole thing.

I checked out Al-Anon's site but reading it I felt like the steps and principles don't quite fit what I'm experiencing right now. But I'm also naive. Obviously. Anyone out there with some words of wisdom?

Sorry about the long post and thanks for listening...

Rella927

Welcome to SR! So glad that you found us!!

Sorry that you are going through this right now...I felt the same way about Al-Anon when it was first suggested for me to go from my counselor-I said the same thing...it is not for me..blah blah "he/they are the ones with the problem not me!" I finally went and I went because of the A's in my life and I stayed for ME!

I have learned that taking all my energy and focusing on others and what they are doing or not doing for themselves had cost me a lot of my own life-I allowed to much of my time to be wasted-

I have learned that not only cannot I not change anyone...I was the one who needed changing! Today I'am still a work in progress but, I know that I have choices and so do the people in my life-If I choose to stay in a realtionship that is unhealthy and I have to be in fear, angry, sad, filled with disappointment then I need to see these red flags and remove myself from the toxic situation-This goes with any realtionship in my life today-I will pay the consequence of my choice to stay in that type of realtionship and I will only be hurting myself....

Feel your feelings and be gentle with yourself-know that you are not alone in this and Al-Anon is worth checking out! You maybe surprised-

Please also check out the stickies at the top of this forum-they are filled with a wealth of information!

Keep posting

Stubborn1

Sometimes they fall off the wagon. It's not the end of the world and that number or chip is only a symbol. It doesn't make him a failure. It's not his whole life, it's only one day.....he hasn't thrown everything away. Sometimes they have to test the waters and it reminds them why they quit to begin with. Don't be so hard on him. It's just a one time.

Rebecca4

Stubborn

That is a fantastic post and so true.

I bet he is feeling bad enough himself without other people piling guilt on him. He mighthave drank for one day but what was he like for the majority of days.
Was he really lovely?

B
x

peaceteach

I wouldn't minimize this, myself. It is VERY serious in the sense that you now know that this is YOUR life. You are always going to be one relapse away from active alcoholism in your life if you stay with this man, because he is always going to be one drink away from it. Is this the life you want, truly? Is this the man with whom you want to build a life, a future, a family with children, knowing that any day could be like last night. Because this is your reality. No amount of "love" will change him or make him want to stay sober. Only self-love does that for an alcoholic or addict. He knows this from working his program. You are a partner to him, but the burden of sobriety is his and his alone. You will never have any control over that. What you do have control over is yourself, your own decisions, your own plans for yourself and your future. Please take the time to consider if this is the life you truly want for yourself. You are just a girlfriend right now, and not tied by marriage, children, or finances yet. Read up on codependency, a condition that most loved ones of alcoholics suffer from sooner or later. Stay here and seek wisdom through reading and talking. You've got lots of time. Be wise and educate yourself, sweetie.

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, ColumbiaHeights! I'm glad you found us!

As I'm sure you know, simply deciding to stop drinking/doing drugs doesn't instantly make someone a healthy person or a good partner (though it's certainly a step in the right direction!). The addict on day 1 in recovery will most likely behave VERY differently from the addict on day 365 - it takes time to rewire the brain, time to learn some tools to deal with life on life's terms.

I think this is where the "year of clean time" principle originates. It's certainly not set in stone, and there is nothing magical about one calendar year. Had your BF achieved one year of sobriety, there would still always be the possibility of relapse. With addicts there is always the possibility of relapse.

How are you feeling?
I want you to know that how you feel matters!!!!
Even if he just drank one night, even if he's been really good the rest of the time. If you're upset, then it matters!

I'd caution you to pay close attention to your feelings. Don't minimize your pain or fear - you're in a tough spot.
You have to decide if this man is worth betting on, worth giving your heart to.
Will he be able to take care of it, or will he value it somewhere under alcohol?

In my experience only time and observation could give me answers to these kinds of questions. Watch how things go - is he back in his meetings and talking to his sponsor, or is he passed out in the back room with plans to repeat the madness tonight?

Breathe deep.
Give it some time.
Think it through.

It took me a while , but I decided that, as much as I love my husband sober, as wonderful as he can be, I did not want to live with him as he continued to relapse. I did not want the chaos or uncertainty or pain that accompanied his addiction.

What do you want?

Take care and keep posting!
-TC

denny57

welcome, columbiaheights, glad you're here!

I would ask myself, what was so bad about him drinking once that it sent me in search of an on line forum for alcoholism and drug addiction?

I'd also talk with my therapist about why I believe after 8 months I have met someone I'm going to be with for a fairly long time; and what does that mean?

Bernadette

These 2 things jumped out at me from your post:

I'm fairly certain he is who I will be with for a very long time.
You may love him with all your heart but the decision to be with someone needs to take the whole picture into account. We all love the A's in our lives and they all have their bright side - or did at one time - but the decision to stay together cannot be based solely on feelings of love or passion - especially with an A, other important factors have to be considered for own mental health and future progress. One day at a time!

Just like that, November 18th lost all meaning.

It is a fairly common codependent trait to have these arbitrary bars for the A to jump over - we put them in place as a way to gather information for ourselves - like an "if he does X ...then I will know Y..."

We leave it up to the A to tell us how to feel, to prove their love for us - by clearing hurdles we have placed in front of them, all the while kind of "waiting" for the results to come in- results provided by the A. We often then find ourselves angry and at a loss - How could he/she relapse so close to a date that meant this or that to me?? We fool ourselves into thinking "us," that it should mean something to "us" but we usually never consult the A before we set these random goal lines, or we dismiss their non-committal response to our asking them to jump this or that hurdle for "us".

When the A let's us down we find ourselves in a whirling dervish of what do I do now?

If the A clears the hurdle it may still not satisfy our insecure need to know or validate our requirements for them and we find ourselves setting different or higher bars for the A.

The way out of this habit of mind is to set hurdles only for myself to clear.

To work very hard to not let the A be the arbiter of whether I am moving forward or whether I am right.

To trust the A to show me - not by passing "tests" I have set up - but by their own natural behavior - exactly where they are at on their side of the street. And then it is my task to believe what they are showing me - what they show me all on their own.

Does this make sense?

In other words - your Bf is an A - whether he is an active A or a recovered A - this is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life together whether he makes it to Nov 18th or Jan 30th or March 25th. So just pay attention to how he is handling it and then you can decide if "he is who I will be with for a very long time."

You have to stay in REALITY or you may find you are making yourself very sick with worry, investigation, tiptoeing on eggshells, fact-checking, random hurdle setting, etc.

Can you try an AlAnon meeting? It helped me alot. I found a way to start looking at my own life more clearly with help from AlAnon.

Peace & glad you are here! Read around there is so much amazing info on SR!
B.

atalose

You mentioned that you checked out an Al-Anon site but after reading it you felt like the steps and principles didn’t quite fit. That’s because you are too focused on HIS addiction, HIS relapse, HIS anniversary date and you are not paying attention at all to your codependency issues rising hard and fast from his relapse.

Focus on you, discover your codependency and learn about the red flags in un-healthy relationships so you don’t repeat mistakes already made.

FormerDoormat

I wouldn't minimize this either. I minimized my partner's drinking, his unacceptable behavior, and the effects it had on me for 22 years. And because of that my life became a hell of my own making.

It's interesting to note how the responses differ in this thread depending on whether the respondent is a newer forum member (at least two suggest it's not a big deal) or a longer-term member (at least two of us think it IS a big deal). I personally think it's a deal breaker and a blessing in disguise. Better to find out now that he's still not serious about his sobriety than to find out after marriage, children, and entering into a legal contract with him.

My suggestion to you is to attend Alanon, read up on alcoholism and codependency, arm yourself with knowledge, and then decide for yourself if you're willing to live with the consequences of someone else's drinking.

The more active you are in Alanon and SR, the more you'll learn and grow and the stronger and wiser you'll be. Welcome to the forum.

prodigal

Welcome, Columbia. Glad you found us.

You invested a lot in a particular date; in fact, when your bf didn't quite make it to that date, you became quite distressed.

STEP 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

What is unmanageable? Putting all of my eggs in one basket; hanging onto the sobriety, or lack thereof, of my partner to keep me on an even keel.

Alcohol is frequently referred to as "baffling, cunning, powerful." Believe it. I have been married to two alcoholics. Both my ex and current AH are still active in their addictions.

I work the steps. I am codependent. I AM powerless over the alcoholic's addiction.

And as soon as I get on his side of the street and start trying to manage his addiction, make him see the light about his condition, or discuss his addiction, MY LIFE becomes unmanageable.

He owns the addiction, not me. The consequences of his actions are his and his alone. My AH came out of his last rehab in July '06. He lasted 16 days sober. Yeah, it rocked my world. To say I was upset would be an understatement.

Today, every day, for the rest of my life - I work the steps. And I will NOT let an A disturb my peace and serenity any longer; I own that.

MissFixit

Hello.

I completely agree with Bernadette, Fromer Dormat and Prodigal. They are wise!

Coming out of a relationship with an alcoholic, I wish I had taken the time to let him "heal"/find himself prior to me getting fully emeshed in a relationship with him, thus basing my happiness and wellbeing on an alcoholic man that truly isn't ready to take full charge of himself much less another person.

ColumbiaHeights

Wow. I'm a little blown away by all the feedback. Thanks to you all. I think the thing I'm trying to sort out is balance. Nov. 18th was a date he gave me. I never asked when his anniversary would be. He came to me, months ago, told me the date and asked me to mark it on my calendar so we could celebrate. That's how it became important. I did not impose that but I figured if it's that important to him, I guess it's pretty important. For the most part, I've stayed on the outside of BF's recovery. Now I'm wondering if that was a mistake. How much involvement is enough to be present, supportive and empowered and how much is too much, tipping to the point of taking the process away from the A?

prodigal

I was never an element in support in current AH's so-called "recovery" because he wasn't serious about sobriety; he was just going to rehabs to get his bosses off his back and outta his face. That's how he operates regarding life in general.

However, I have a dear friend from my Maryland Al-Anon days whose husband has 3.5 years sober. She found the best support she could give him was to attend Al-Anon while he was at A.A. Because there are so many meetings in the Washington, D.C.-Baltimore metro area, it's not unusual for A.A. and Al-Anon meetings to be held in the same place at the same time - just different rooms.

She worked her program; he worked his program. She dealt with her issues. He dealt with his issues. Both of them became emotionally healthier, and as time went on they were able to mend many of the tears in the fabric of their marriage.

You mentioned in your original post that you've dated your fair share of active alcoholics. The only constant in that equation is you. The addicts' names and faces change, but you are still you. I think you may want to delve into why you've been involved with more than one A.

I had to dig deep and experience some real old hurts before I discovered why I glommed onto A's. Please reconsider Al-Anon. Believe me, I didn't get it AT ALL when I first started going, and that was over 12 years ago!

Since his relapse last night, has he continued to drink? Has he contacted his sponsor? Has he gone back into the rooms? I don't know if you've asked him any of these questions or not. If he's started drinking again, he may get defensive. Then again, he may pull himself together and get back to working his program.

In the meantime, keep posting and try to focus on your own feelings. It's up to him to decide whether his relapse was just a slip.

ColumbiaHeights

Thanks Prodigal - he called his sponsor immediately that night, hasn't had any more to drink and went to a meeting yesterday and today. He seems pretty clear about what went awry and he's working quickly to correct it.

I feel better today (much better) than I did last night. I'll keep posting and reading - some good stickies around. About Al Anon -- keep talking to me. What didn't you get at first? I worry about unnecessarily ratcheting up my anxiety. I don't want to risk projecting someone else's reality on to my own. I'm a total empath so I have to be careful about that sort of thing. Does that make sense?

As far as my dating history goes, that's enough for a whole other loooooong post. If you're not interested, stop reading now.

Short version - I come from a place where alcohol is everywhere. It's a cultural staple/major industry - we make it and we drink it. Drugs aren't too far behind so addicts were the norm in my world. In that sort of culture, people who get called alcoholics are on a pretty extreme end of the spectrum and the people who call them that are just high functioning versions of the same. I can't say where I got my teetotaling ways - I guess it was a fortunate rebellious streak. ;-)

Anyway, recognizing an alcoholic was a bit of a learning experience for me. To me they were par for the course. Then I left home and there were types of people and energies that were familiar, recognizable, etc. (i.e. addicts) but then I met others that were a little more like me and they proved to be much more appealing. Haven't dealt with an active alcoholic in many years.