About Rehab..anybody just "not click"
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Orange County, NY
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About Rehab..anybody just "not click"
AS Matthew is in rehab. He wrote his dad a letter last week, on his own, voicing some things that have been bothering him for awhile, and saying that he wished they could get a relationship. Knowing Matthew, I thought this was HUGE. So after hearing on the phone Friday from his counselor that he was not opening up in group, or doing his treatment work, I called her, because I thought this was a positive.
She was like ok, more put out, that he didn't ask her opinion on the letter, or the groups opinion, which is how she said alot of them do there. I told her that ever since I've known him, anytime he's had a problem, or whatever, he would write me a letter. I'm the same exact way. She told me that's giving him an easy out. I just feel like everything he does, when he does do something is not good enough, and I'm getting a bad taste in my mouth about her. She has told me that I cannot speak to Matthew unless she is there, but I don't really know why. She said he wrote the letter to get dad on his side as well. I know this is not the case, as he has not talked to dad for a long time, and knows dad is AGAINST drugs of all kinds. I just know it took alot for him to write that letter.
I'm just rambling. Did any of you wonder about the treatment at your rehabs? Ever not totally click with the counselor? It makes it hard, I think, if they don't click with the counselor. I can't click with her. She really intimidates me.
She was like ok, more put out, that he didn't ask her opinion on the letter, or the groups opinion, which is how she said alot of them do there. I told her that ever since I've known him, anytime he's had a problem, or whatever, he would write me a letter. I'm the same exact way. She told me that's giving him an easy out. I just feel like everything he does, when he does do something is not good enough, and I'm getting a bad taste in my mouth about her. She has told me that I cannot speak to Matthew unless she is there, but I don't really know why. She said he wrote the letter to get dad on his side as well. I know this is not the case, as he has not talked to dad for a long time, and knows dad is AGAINST drugs of all kinds. I just know it took alot for him to write that letter.
I'm just rambling. Did any of you wonder about the treatment at your rehabs? Ever not totally click with the counselor? It makes it hard, I think, if they don't click with the counselor. I can't click with her. She really intimidates me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Do you think your son is making progress? Or are you thinking you might pull him out of their because he is not safe?
Are you concerned the rehab is not legit? Do you think it is a cult?
Did you research regarding their approach before you sent him there?
Exactly what is your concern?
I guess there is a fine line between letting go and letting God, and the safety of ones child. You are going to have to determine where that line is. Is it about a lack of control on your part or about your child being in an unsafe environment.
Most rehabs are pretty up front about what is allowed and what isn't allowed before people sign up. So if this isn't what you expected or signed up for, then you could call the director find out if this is typical and get some reassurance and peace of mind.
Are you going to any meetings or doing anything to foucs on yourself and how you are going to handle things when he gets out?
Are you concerned the rehab is not legit? Do you think it is a cult?
Did you research regarding their approach before you sent him there?
Exactly what is your concern?
I guess there is a fine line between letting go and letting God, and the safety of ones child. You are going to have to determine where that line is. Is it about a lack of control on your part or about your child being in an unsafe environment.
Most rehabs are pretty up front about what is allowed and what isn't allowed before people sign up. So if this isn't what you expected or signed up for, then you could call the director find out if this is typical and get some reassurance and peace of mind.
Are you going to any meetings or doing anything to foucs on yourself and how you are going to handle things when he gets out?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter has never been able to open up to people. That is the same way that I am. I have had counseling in the past and I only go so far with it and then I feel that I can't go any farther. My daughter did not spend a lot of time opening up at rehab or her halfway house, but she did go to meetings, she heard the message and she knows what she needs to do. I never called her counselor or anyone else at rehab. At 22 she is old enough to do what she feels is right for her. That way I did not have to deal with bad reports, etc. I am actually surprised that the counselor involves you so much in your son's treatment. They should have enough experience to know how to deal with the addicts themselves. We have a saying around here that is "Hands off the Addict" and that is what I have been trying my darndest to practice. That way my daughter is responsible for herself and can decide if she wants to be clean or not. I am responsible for me and I can decide how much I want to worry about her or put the focus back on me. Maybe less time talking to the counselor would help you. And I really don't mean any of this to be mean. It is just that nothing you do or say is going to make a difference with what your son does. And if he only goes along with things at rehab to avoid being kicked out it won't work for him once he gets in the real world. When he is ready he will get it. Until then let him go and trust in the process for him. Hugs, Marle
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Most rehabs are there to treat the addict, not his whole family.
Most use methods that have been proven to work and getting an addict to "open up" and share his feelings, either with a group or with a counselor, is a good way for an addict to learn to recognize his feelings and express them. It's safe to express feelings about one's family when one isn't sharing with them. It may not be a perfect method but it's a good start.
Some rehabs are better than others, but as someone who has seen many, my thoughts are that any rehab is about as good as the addict's willingness to participate and stay sober.
Hugs
Most use methods that have been proven to work and getting an addict to "open up" and share his feelings, either with a group or with a counselor, is a good way for an addict to learn to recognize his feelings and express them. It's safe to express feelings about one's family when one isn't sharing with them. It may not be a perfect method but it's a good start.
Some rehabs are better than others, but as someone who has seen many, my thoughts are that any rehab is about as good as the addict's willingness to participate and stay sober.
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: At the zoo
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When my rad was in rehab, I never even talked to her counselor. She talked to the counselors and had group and all, but it was all hers, none of it mine.
I had my group and my meetings and here and she wasn't involved at all.
Maybe this is just a different type of rehab and they do things differently. My daughter had a phone card and could call me in the evenings when calls were allowed, they were between just the two of us, no counselor involved.
Maybe the counselor needs to focus more on your son than you? Just my opinion....
I had my group and my meetings and here and she wasn't involved at all.
Maybe this is just a different type of rehab and they do things differently. My daughter had a phone card and could call me in the evenings when calls were allowed, they were between just the two of us, no counselor involved.
Maybe the counselor needs to focus more on your son than you? Just my opinion....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
She said he wrote the letter to get dad on his side as well. I know this is not the case, as he has not talked to dad for a long time, and knows dad is AGAINST drugs of all kinds. I just know it took alot for him to write that letter.
It's sounds like to me that his relationship w/ dad is bothering him the most.
(Not uncommom, I grieved my dads death while in rehab, your son is grieving his relationship w/ dad).
If dad shuts down, so does the son.
It's sounds like to me your son needs dads validation to go to the next step.
Dad may be totally against Drugs, but this may be dads chance to be for recovery. Your son may need to hear from dad if even just to wish him well.
Blessings, and hoping for the best,
NH7
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Sis,
Maybe now would be a good time to leave him in their hands for your sake and for his.
As long as he has an ear, he won't "need" the counselor or the group. From what you've written, I can't say I like the approach of the counselor (now or in the past) but it wouldn't hurt to give their way a shot. If we keep our nose in their recovery, we're taking with it the responsibility for success...and that's not ours to take.
JMO
(((Hugs)))
Maybe now would be a good time to leave him in their hands for your sake and for his.
As long as he has an ear, he won't "need" the counselor or the group. From what you've written, I can't say I like the approach of the counselor (now or in the past) but it wouldn't hurt to give their way a shot. If we keep our nose in their recovery, we're taking with it the responsibility for success...and that's not ours to take.
JMO
(((Hugs)))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My 24 yr old AS has been at his rehab for eight and one-half months.
He is only allowed to call home once a week and his calls are always
monitored. I have been there twice for family week and believe
that it is a very good treatment ctr. I do not talk to the counselors in-between visits.
Is your son a minor?
If so, I can understand why you'd want periodic communication.
If you think the facility and treatment is good...leave the process to the
staff and your son.
Are you going to al-anon for your own recovery? An al-anon parent group really helped me make progress in my own life.
He is only allowed to call home once a week and his calls are always
monitored. I have been there twice for family week and believe
that it is a very good treatment ctr. I do not talk to the counselors in-between visits.
Is your son a minor?
If so, I can understand why you'd want periodic communication.
If you think the facility and treatment is good...leave the process to the
staff and your son.
Are you going to al-anon for your own recovery? An al-anon parent group really helped me make progress in my own life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by cece1960 
As long as he has an ear, he won't "need" the counselor or the group.
Something else I was thinking is how can the counselor say the letter was to get dad on his side, when she didn't know of it's existence or it's contents? That's a lot of assumption.
Seems like some communication problems going on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Orange County, NY
Posts: 116
Point taken about this being son's recovery. Sometimes I get mixed things from her. Like her being taken aback that my husband never once called to see how he was doing...I did write an impact letter to him..I posted it in a previous post. She had wanted me to email it to her, and then she would suggest things I should write or not write. If she's looking for me to be mean and say rotten things to my son, then I can't do that. I spoke of the situation at my NA meeting last night. Most definately agreed that he should connect with her to feel free to open up. I at least, thought maybe instead of downing him at every turn, she could give him the credit for writing the letter and showing at attempt, instead of feeling put out that she wasn't part of the process. She kind of took the stand that he didn't do it the normal way it's done, so it must be something sneaky.
Our phone call on friday went a bit like this. I hadn't talked with him for several weeks, although she kept asking what I heard from him, and I said I hadn't as she wanted the phone call to be open with her on speaker, so he could not manipulate me. So he called, and she announced that she was sitting in. I said to Matthew, how are you, how's it going? He said Alright I guess..he said he was feeling blah. So jumped all over that and said, Well your in rehab your supposed to feel blah, not jumping for joy. She said, tell your mom that you haven't been completing your treatment work, that you don't open up in group, that you haven't been exercising, your not eating healthy. He was getting a little aggrivated and said, why should I? Why did you even have me hear when your telling her everything anyway? She said, I'm not lying to her as you shouldn't. He got frustrated by her, and left the room, with an I love you mom. Then she laced into me, that he was acting juvenile, and it was so disrespectful of him to leave the room. I was upset, and also I could see/hear his frustration because I was frustrated as well. She told me stop writing him, because as long as I did, he would not seek out emotional support from his peers. So I won't. That's ok.
I'm waiting to hear back from her about my letter. If you search my previous posts you can see what I wrote. It's not rough and mean, but it makes my point. I want him to read it, regardless of her thinking if it's good enough or not.
About my son's letter to my husband, I asked my husband if he was going to respond, and he said he's scared he's going to get hollered at by her. I told him we cannot let her make us feel that way. I think its VERY important that my son knows that my husband does indeed care about him, and is supporting his recovery as long as he is going in the right direction. It's something he hasn't heard from my husband ever.
I do go to meetings and am learning so much. A woman last night said that her belief that kept her going during her daughters active addiction was that all addicts need to know someone loves them. She said each week, while her daughter was on the streets, she met up with her, and made a point of telling her that she loved her, and was here for her should she choose recovery. Her daughter is now clean for a few years. I think my son deserves to hear that his father does love him even though he screwed up. Fine to know, from the impact letter (which he still has not gotten), that he screwed up and caused us alot of stress, financial problems, and stuff like that, but he deserves to know he is loved by the man he thinks hates him.
EIleen
Our phone call on friday went a bit like this. I hadn't talked with him for several weeks, although she kept asking what I heard from him, and I said I hadn't as she wanted the phone call to be open with her on speaker, so he could not manipulate me. So he called, and she announced that she was sitting in. I said to Matthew, how are you, how's it going? He said Alright I guess..he said he was feeling blah. So jumped all over that and said, Well your in rehab your supposed to feel blah, not jumping for joy. She said, tell your mom that you haven't been completing your treatment work, that you don't open up in group, that you haven't been exercising, your not eating healthy. He was getting a little aggrivated and said, why should I? Why did you even have me hear when your telling her everything anyway? She said, I'm not lying to her as you shouldn't. He got frustrated by her, and left the room, with an I love you mom. Then she laced into me, that he was acting juvenile, and it was so disrespectful of him to leave the room. I was upset, and also I could see/hear his frustration because I was frustrated as well. She told me stop writing him, because as long as I did, he would not seek out emotional support from his peers. So I won't. That's ok.
I'm waiting to hear back from her about my letter. If you search my previous posts you can see what I wrote. It's not rough and mean, but it makes my point. I want him to read it, regardless of her thinking if it's good enough or not.
About my son's letter to my husband, I asked my husband if he was going to respond, and he said he's scared he's going to get hollered at by her. I told him we cannot let her make us feel that way. I think its VERY important that my son knows that my husband does indeed care about him, and is supporting his recovery as long as he is going in the right direction. It's something he hasn't heard from my husband ever.
I do go to meetings and am learning so much. A woman last night said that her belief that kept her going during her daughters active addiction was that all addicts need to know someone loves them. She said each week, while her daughter was on the streets, she met up with her, and made a point of telling her that she loved her, and was here for her should she choose recovery. Her daughter is now clean for a few years. I think my son deserves to hear that his father does love him even though he screwed up. Fine to know, from the impact letter (which he still has not gotten), that he screwed up and caused us alot of stress, financial problems, and stuff like that, but he deserves to know he is loved by the man he thinks hates him.
EIleen
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
My youngest son went to rehab out of state at 14 years old - and we had to sign him over as '"a ward of the state". Scary, but the rules in the state of Minnesota and the rehab. And in 1983, it was the only program that would take him at that age. It was a good program, and we were desperate to get him help. Our way - and his way - wasn't working. I just had to do the let go and let God thing. There were only a few monitored phone calls - exactly like you described - and my son stomped out. The miracle: he is sober 25 years through AA and 40 years old.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
PM me if you want more specifics. I've lived through two teen aged alcoholic sons. 25 years of Alanon is the only way I've survived.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
PM me if you want more specifics. I've lived through two teen aged alcoholic sons. 25 years of Alanon is the only way I've survived.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Maybe its just me, but I think the counslor could use an Anon meeting or two.
She certainly seems to want to control everything.
Hang in there...you're doing great for a gal being pulled in then pushed back on a regular basis.
(((Hugs)))
She certainly seems to want to control everything.
Hang in there...you're doing great for a gal being pulled in then pushed back on a regular basis.
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Usually there is family visitation day at most rehabs I know of. Most rehabs encourage this. And sometimes there is face-to-face family meetings w/ the counselor.
Yes this is his treatment, she may mean the letter writing is an easy way out, and is encouraging more face-to-face communication. Basically she wants him to talk, and not rely on letter writing. There is a lot of groups talk in rehab, and if he depends on letter writing, it may be harder for him to openly talk in a group, face-to-face, with anyone. Hopefully it will come in time.
But you can always speak w/ her, if you feel you are getting mixed messages. Asking her what is it she is trying to say to you. I do think she is trying to help w/ family and group communication. If you have never experienced what one goes through in rehab this would all be greek to you. And the counselor, I think should be explaining things a little better w/ you.
When one gets abstinent the feelings/emotions begin to come to the surface. The good thing is is that I think he is listening, even though he may not be talking. His letter to dad is a sign, that he was beginning to deal w/ an issue that is most upsetting to him, and that is his relationship w/ dad. Each issue is then dealt with one at a time. This is a healthy part of treatment. She knows that son is trying to get dad on his side.
My experience is this....It isn't uncommon, I wanted my moms approval and validation when I was in treatment 16 yrs ago. She told me she was glad I was there, and she was happy for me and that was all I needed to hear. It was the beginning to a healing in our relationship, and helped me go a little further in treatment.
What does dad think about all this?
Still hoping for the best,
NH7
I told her that ever since I've known him, anytime he's had a problem, or whatever, he would write me a letter. I'm the same exact way. She told me that's giving him an easy out.
But you can always speak w/ her, if you feel you are getting mixed messages. Asking her what is it she is trying to say to you. I do think she is trying to help w/ family and group communication. If you have never experienced what one goes through in rehab this would all be greek to you. And the counselor, I think should be explaining things a little better w/ you.
When one gets abstinent the feelings/emotions begin to come to the surface. The good thing is is that I think he is listening, even though he may not be talking. His letter to dad is a sign, that he was beginning to deal w/ an issue that is most upsetting to him, and that is his relationship w/ dad. Each issue is then dealt with one at a time. This is a healthy part of treatment. She knows that son is trying to get dad on his side.
My experience is this....It isn't uncommon, I wanted my moms approval and validation when I was in treatment 16 yrs ago. She told me she was glad I was there, and she was happy for me and that was all I needed to hear. It was the beginning to a healing in our relationship, and helped me go a little further in treatment.
What does dad think about all this?
Still hoping for the best,
NH7
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 44
My 18 yo RAS just came home from a 28 day rehab yesterday. He did not get along with his counselor. He said his counselor treated him different than everyone else because he was so young. Didn't treat him with the same respect and talked down to him. We had no interaction with his counselor. We did have interaction with the family therapist and had a couple of sessions with all of us.
Since my son didn't "connect" with his counselor, he should have made a point of changing his counselor. His being so young, he really didn't know that he could or should do that. Perhaps your son should look into changing his counselor so he can get the most out of his treatment.
Kathy
Since my son didn't "connect" with his counselor, he should have made a point of changing his counselor. His being so young, he really didn't know that he could or should do that. Perhaps your son should look into changing his counselor so he can get the most out of his treatment.
Kathy
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Eileen,
How old is your son?
To me, that makes all the difference.
If he is a minor, I would have real problems with this counselor's behavior but if he is an adult, it seems there is far too much family involvement.
But that is just me??
How old is your son?
To me, that makes all the difference.
If he is a minor, I would have real problems with this counselor's behavior but if he is an adult, it seems there is far too much family involvement.
But that is just me??
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
when I went to visit my ABF in rehab I complained of money and how hard it was to do this all by myself... Her response was that I need to do something for me, and treat myslef to a dayspa. Does anyone see the irony in that?
I think it would be best to let go and let God... I think this counselor is a little wierd, but unless you want your son to come home and your life to be the rehab. Then it would be best to take a step back. Maybe she will say something, or someone in group will say something that will hit a light with your son.
I think it would be best to let go and let God... I think this counselor is a little wierd, but unless you want your son to come home and your life to be the rehab. Then it would be best to take a step back. Maybe she will say something, or someone in group will say something that will hit a light with your son.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by sistergldnhair
She said, tell your mom that you haven't been completing your treatment work, that you don't open up in group, that you haven't been exercising, your not eating healthy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Orange County, NY
Posts: 116
Thanks EVERYONE for your responses. I am doing as instructed. I have not mailed him any letters, but am working on one, as he sent one on Friday (she said if he mails one, then I could mail one). I did however, send him a birthday card (his birthday is on Thursday) no gifts, at her advice..she said he's expecting a gift or something, don't send it. Of course I was going to send a shirt or something small, but am trying to play, so I only sent a card.
So you don't think I've been speaking with her alot, this was all talked about on the phone call Friday evening. She has been calling, once a week for an update phone call, thats it, aside from the call yesterday to tell her of the letter he wrote dad and we recieved over the weekend.
I did call yesterday, to speak with the office manager, as they have a client account. I only put money in there once, Matthew has some savings that I've been holding, so he had asked me before he went down, to use that to send for cigarettes and toiletries. So I called yesterday to check with the office manager on his account, no response all day...weird, as she has always returned my phone calls before, especially when they called looking for my payment for his stay. So I let it go, and called again this morning, left a message...nothing all day, then called again at 3:00...only because I know they put in a voucher on Wednesday to get spending money so they have it when they take them food shopping on Saturday. No return phone call. By now I was a little ticked..thinking that this was a game, some kind of punishment. I mean, God, I just want to send down his OWN money for cigarettes. So I had FED EX pick up from work, an overnight envelope with cash addressed to the office manager, and a note, that since she has not returned my phone call, I was sending it down. I'll probably get hollered at for it, but it wasn't getting sent directly to my son, just to the rehab. I just felt it was unprofessional for noone to return my call. I will call and leave a message in the morning that I did that, and could I please get a return call, so I know that she got the envelope.
His birthday is Thursday and as a little test, my husband is going to call the counselor in the morning and ask if he could get a quick phone call with my son so that he can wish him a happy birthday as his card won't get there in time because of the no mail today. I just want to see if she has an issue with my husband talking to him or is it just me.
Thanks for the help. BTW she now has my impact letter, so I'm waiting for her response as to all the things I'm sure she'll find wrong with it. Yes I am not a confrontational person. Is that a word? If she's looking for screaming and drama, she can look elsewhere because that is not how I operate.
Eileen
So you don't think I've been speaking with her alot, this was all talked about on the phone call Friday evening. She has been calling, once a week for an update phone call, thats it, aside from the call yesterday to tell her of the letter he wrote dad and we recieved over the weekend.
I did call yesterday, to speak with the office manager, as they have a client account. I only put money in there once, Matthew has some savings that I've been holding, so he had asked me before he went down, to use that to send for cigarettes and toiletries. So I called yesterday to check with the office manager on his account, no response all day...weird, as she has always returned my phone calls before, especially when they called looking for my payment for his stay. So I let it go, and called again this morning, left a message...nothing all day, then called again at 3:00...only because I know they put in a voucher on Wednesday to get spending money so they have it when they take them food shopping on Saturday. No return phone call. By now I was a little ticked..thinking that this was a game, some kind of punishment. I mean, God, I just want to send down his OWN money for cigarettes. So I had FED EX pick up from work, an overnight envelope with cash addressed to the office manager, and a note, that since she has not returned my phone call, I was sending it down. I'll probably get hollered at for it, but it wasn't getting sent directly to my son, just to the rehab. I just felt it was unprofessional for noone to return my call. I will call and leave a message in the morning that I did that, and could I please get a return call, so I know that she got the envelope.
His birthday is Thursday and as a little test, my husband is going to call the counselor in the morning and ask if he could get a quick phone call with my son so that he can wish him a happy birthday as his card won't get there in time because of the no mail today. I just want to see if she has an issue with my husband talking to him or is it just me.
Thanks for the help. BTW she now has my impact letter, so I'm waiting for her response as to all the things I'm sure she'll find wrong with it. Yes I am not a confrontational person. Is that a word? If she's looking for screaming and drama, she can look elsewhere because that is not how I operate.
Eileen
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Location: Orange County, NY
Posts: 116
22, and I know they are trying to make him stand on his own two feet. I know he has to. He still lives at home, and it was only during the past year, that he began doing things for himself (banking, doctors appts...things like that).
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