I really believed things would be different...
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I really believed things would be different...
Today I had the WORST conversation I have ever had with the ex. He made me feel terrible. I didnt let him no that I felt that way. I am just heart broken. Stupid me still feels like this is gonna turn around. I keep thinking if he gets off the drugs he will see what he is doing.
I am so totally broken hearted. Today is my birthday. He never once mentioned it. Never said a word. Yet, he treated me as if I am the worse person on the face of the earth.
I told him to get the f out of my life. I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. I love this man so much and I dont know why anymore. He has not made one ounce of effort to show me ANYTHING.
I know that its the drugs I know that but it doesnt make it hurt any less. He again brought up how I owe him the rent money and how I am a thief. I just sat there. I just cant believe that the man I fell in love with would even utter these words to me.
I told him to come and get his crap cause I am tired of looking at it. He told me like 5 times dont worry I will be there tomorrow to get. I kept ok ok but he just keeps torturing me with it. Its like pulling a broken nail off the bed SLOWLY.
Do you think he knows how much he is hurting me?
I dont act this way to him.
I am so totally broken hearted. Today is my birthday. He never once mentioned it. Never said a word. Yet, he treated me as if I am the worse person on the face of the earth.
I told him to get the f out of my life. I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. I love this man so much and I dont know why anymore. He has not made one ounce of effort to show me ANYTHING.
I know that its the drugs I know that but it doesnt make it hurt any less. He again brought up how I owe him the rent money and how I am a thief. I just sat there. I just cant believe that the man I fell in love with would even utter these words to me.
I told him to come and get his crap cause I am tired of looking at it. He told me like 5 times dont worry I will be there tomorrow to get. I kept ok ok but he just keeps torturing me with it. Its like pulling a broken nail off the bed SLOWLY.
Do you think he knows how much he is hurting me?
I dont act this way to him.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Give yourself a birthday gift of peace. It doesn't matter why he does what he does. Stay away from it for your own sanity. It's not going to change. It's not going to magically get better. If eventually it does, he can show you then - but for now, for today at least, give yourself a break from answering his calls or thinking about him. Baby steps. You are worth it - especially today!
Hugs and Happy Birthday.
Hugs and Happy Birthday.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
You are all right. Nothing has changed. Things have gotten progressively worse and I guess that is to be expected. I just really thought that maybe just for one day especially today that he could show me a little compassion. After all I am the mother of his children. Thats the story he gave me last week.
Drugs are so very cruel. I know that when I listened really listened to the words that were coming out of his mouth I could hear the drugs talking. I knew he really didnt want to talk to me that way. Call me crazy but I just felt that he didnt mean it. I guess that is why I chose not to respond to the things he was saying.
Thanks
Drugs are so very cruel. I know that when I listened really listened to the words that were coming out of his mouth I could hear the drugs talking. I knew he really didnt want to talk to me that way. Call me crazy but I just felt that he didnt mean it. I guess that is why I chose not to respond to the things he was saying.
Thanks
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Don't be surprised. He's an addict doing what addicts do. Give yourself the best birthday present ever. Set boundaries and follow through on consequences. Next year can be better if you decide you are going to focus on yourself and what you want out of life instead of his addiction and trying to make him be the person you want him to be. Accept that he can't be that person. It's not about you. It's about drugs.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I just felt that he didnt mean it.
Quack quack quack whenever he opens his mouth.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cassandra)))
Give yourself a birthday treat.....focus on you and the kids.
Yes, it is the drugs making him do what he is doing/saying, BUT he is choosing to continue using. Even if he were to stop using today, it takes time and work to stop acting like an addict, and, personally, I don't see that HE is even thinking about changing.
Unfortunately, he is likely to get way worse before he gets better, and this may go on for years. Don't go down with his sinking ship, sweetie. Put on your life vest, swim like hell AWAY from his chaos and find the awesome person in yourself that I already know is there.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Give yourself a birthday treat.....focus on you and the kids.
Yes, it is the drugs making him do what he is doing/saying, BUT he is choosing to continue using. Even if he were to stop using today, it takes time and work to stop acting like an addict, and, personally, I don't see that HE is even thinking about changing.
Unfortunately, he is likely to get way worse before he gets better, and this may go on for years. Don't go down with his sinking ship, sweetie. Put on your life vest, swim like hell AWAY from his chaos and find the awesome person in yourself that I already know is there.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by cassandra2 
Today I had the WORST conversation I have ever had with the ex. He made me feel terrible. I didnt let him no that I felt that way. I am just heart broken. Stupid me still feels like this is gonna turn around. I keep thinking if he gets off the drugs he will see what he is doing.
I am so totally broken hearted. Today is my birthday. He never once mentioned it. Never said a word. Yet, he treated me as if I am the worse person on the face of the earth.
I told him to get the f out of my life. I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. I love this man so much and I dont know why anymore. He has not made one ounce of effort to show me ANYTHING.
I know that its the drugs I know that but it doesnt make it hurt any less. He again brought up how I owe him the rent money and how I am a thief. I just sat there. I just cant believe that the man I fell in love with would even utter these words to me.
I told him to come and get his crap cause I am tired of looking at it. He told me like 5 times dont worry I will be there tomorrow to get. I kept ok ok but he just keeps torturing me with it. Its like pulling a broken nail off the bed SLOWLY.
Do you think he knows how much he is hurting me?
I dont act this way to him.
I am so totally broken hearted. Today is my birthday. He never once mentioned it. Never said a word. Yet, he treated me as if I am the worse person on the face of the earth.
I told him to get the f out of my life. I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. I love this man so much and I dont know why anymore. He has not made one ounce of effort to show me ANYTHING.
I know that its the drugs I know that but it doesnt make it hurt any less. He again brought up how I owe him the rent money and how I am a thief. I just sat there. I just cant believe that the man I fell in love with would even utter these words to me.
I told him to come and get his crap cause I am tired of looking at it. He told me like 5 times dont worry I will be there tomorrow to get. I kept ok ok but he just keeps torturing me with it. Its like pulling a broken nail off the bed SLOWLY.
Do you think he knows how much he is hurting me?
I dont act this way to him.
What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Ann posted this originally, as it mentions, it's a sticky at the top of this forum.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
You say it is getting worse, well it will get worse. Do not let him take yourself esteem. You need to cut him out of your life now, do not wait trust me the longer you stay in this the harder it is to break through.
you will see that the lies will never stop, they are nice when they need something from you and are evil when you bother them while they are getting high or coming down from a high.
My xah birthday present every now going on 5 yrs is going to jail, now he is going to prison.
You need to find peace with yourself and try to forget that he is in your life. It is very hard.
you will see that the lies will never stop, they are nice when they need something from you and are evil when you bother them while they are getting high or coming down from a high.
My xah birthday present every now going on 5 yrs is going to jail, now he is going to prison.
You need to find peace with yourself and try to forget that he is in your life. It is very hard.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I really just believed that if there was any shread left of the man that I fell in love with that maybe just maybe he would have surfaced today. Just a little small fragment. A happy birthday something. I feel that he is now lost forever.
So I guess today I will really say goodbye. Goodbye to what I thought once was could be again. I am sorry you guys I really thought no believed in my heart that he would come back to us and now I guess that is just not the case.
So I guess today I will really say goodbye. Goodbye to what I thought once was could be again. I am sorry you guys I really thought no believed in my heart that he would come back to us and now I guess that is just not the case.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
This letter also helped me let go of my ex. It helped me realized that taking care of myself would not only help me but him as well. No pain. No gain. For either or us. As an addict, my ex was very adverse to feeling any pain at all. He just wanted things easy on him, no matter how bad it hurt others. So I had to bear the burden of leaving the relationship. He couldn't feel anything. He was self-medicating and incapable. But the gains have been worth it for me and far outweighed the initial pain of letting go. He is still on his journey through addiction. But I am proud that I am no longer one of the people that helps anchor him there.
IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out
to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so
I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so
that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of
me)
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me
walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the
pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see
it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me,
trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault,
enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and
consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not
yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need
to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist
the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square
one.
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am
free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look
for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In
the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but
don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I
make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to
do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever
supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to
get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do
is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and
from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let
me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.
Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your
safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not
only fly, but maybe even soar.
to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so
I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so
that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of
me)
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me
walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the
pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see
it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me,
trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault,
enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and
consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not
yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need
to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist
the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square
one.
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am
free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look
for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In
the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but
don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I
make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to
do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever
supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to
get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do
is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and
from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let
me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.
Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your
safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not
only fly, but maybe even soar.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Yes...it's difficult because you expected that he may treat you as he has past B-Day's, but he's not that man any more. And I'm sorry, I hope you can make the best of it possible. The holidays change too.
Sometimes it helps to preplan to be somewhere w/ friends or family for the holidays, B-day's etc in the first 2 years...... it will be easier.
Sometimes it helps to preplan to be somewhere w/ friends or family for the holidays, B-day's etc in the first 2 years...... it will be easier.
))) 
6
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
The last birthday I spent with AH was my 40th.
My friends and family had a nice party brunch for me,
AH didn't come,he proceeded to pop the balloons in
a drunken rage the next night.
I spent over half my life with this man,
always hoping the next rehab would help.
He is now sitting in jail and I am waiting for
him to sign divorce papers.
Please take care of you and your children,as I
am.
Yes it's difficult sometimes,but sooooo much better than where
I was.
My friends and family had a nice party brunch for me,
AH didn't come,he proceeded to pop the balloons in
a drunken rage the next night.
I spent over half my life with this man,
always hoping the next rehab would help.
He is now sitting in jail and I am waiting for
him to sign divorce papers.
Please take care of you and your children,as I
am.
Yes it's difficult sometimes,but sooooo much better than where
I was.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
You fell off your own recovery horse.
Give yourself a birthday present. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and climb back on the recovery horse. You deserve to treat yourself better than this.
Give yourself a birthday present. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and climb back on the recovery horse. You deserve to treat yourself better than this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cassandra2
I told him to come and get his crap cause I am tired of looking at it. He told me like 5 times dont worry I will be there tomorrow to get. I kept ok ok but he just keeps torturing me with it. Its like pulling a broken nail off the bed SLOWLY.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Happy belated birthday, Cassandra!
I had my worst day yesterday. I had cleared a whole wall, filled big bags with clothes and other stuff in big storage containers. That night (the night before) I felt great about how much I had accomplished...but when I got up in the morning it all hit me emotionally and I cried and cried and was barely able to stop.
The thing was I had trusted him with all my depths, with my life..for the rest of my life....and it was that the wrong trust, the betrayed trust that sucker punched me.
However I am adverse to seeing him or speaking to him.
(If I did, I might wind up in jail LOL)
hugs,
Tena
I had my worst day yesterday. I had cleared a whole wall, filled big bags with clothes and other stuff in big storage containers. That night (the night before) I felt great about how much I had accomplished...but when I got up in the morning it all hit me emotionally and I cried and cried and was barely able to stop.
The thing was I had trusted him with all my depths, with my life..for the rest of my life....and it was that the wrong trust, the betrayed trust that sucker punched me.
However I am adverse to seeing him or speaking to him.
(If I did, I might wind up in jail LOL)
hugs,
Tena
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sending you a belated Happy Birthday. Try to remember that you are not talking to your ex. You are talking to a drug. That always helped me when I started to take what my daughter said personally. Hugs and I hope you did something nice just for you. Marle
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